An Anniversary of Sorts

Exactly 6 years ago today, on another Sunday, my world as I knew it quietly imploded.

im·plode

  (ĭm-plōd′)

v. im·plod·ed, im·plod·ing, im·plodes

v.intr.

1. To collapse inward violently.

2. To undergo a catastrophic failure

I did not see it coming but it was certainly a "catastrophic failure". My marriage of 37 years would never be the same again. The landscape of my life and the way I pictured it was forever changed. Now, on the anniversary of the disaster, I find myself reflecting back on where I have been and where I find myself now.

I'm grateful that this many years have passed. I feel like I have finally reached a point of pretty steady contentment and I'm glad to no longer be in the early, painful, emotional days. Can I say positive things about my situation? Of course, although I would never say that the break-up of my marriage was positive in and of itself. My personal belief is that the death of any marriage is tragic, simply because it goes against God's design and intentions. That said, some relationships fail and cannot be resurrected. I hesitate to even admit this as a Christian, but some relationships should not be revived.

I still get anxious and stressed sometimes but usually, I am anxious about the stresses in other people's lives, particularly my children. Strangely, I haven't mastered leaving them in God's hands. I seem to be able to be patient and trusting as I work through my own trials but can't yet manage to apply that trust in God to their lives. I'm working on it but as a somewhat "controlling", "fix-it now" type mom, I'm a bit like a paint-by-number in progress.

So, what is it that I have observed over the last six years?

First of all, I discovered that I could survive - but only by God's strength and grace. I learned what God really meant when He said, "the two shall become one",  because I felt it keenly when that "one" was divided. When my mom died, I realized that all the rest of "life" didn't get put on hold just because I wasn't done grieving my marriage and that it was possible to taste "grief upon grief". I slowly became more flexible as I chose to rent out part of my house to different people so that I could stay on the property I loved and, more importantly, allow my dad to stay in his home on the same land. I practiced finding joy without being able to share it with a partner. And as I felt "singled out" or like an "oddball", God showed me that I was most definitely not alone and that my situation was certainly not unique. Oh, and how God showed me His faithfulness - even though my circumstances didn't change, or, they changed too dramatically to suit me.

There is much I miss about marriage and just because God has enabled me to be content in these circumstances doesn't mean that I am unaware of what I am missing. Is God sufficient? Absolutely! Do I rejoice in my singleness? Umm...Not exactly. Do I think God will use my experiences in the lives of others? I really don't know. But I do know that He is using them in my own life. I am constantly reassured that God is very present and has not, nor will He ever, abandon me. I imagine, though, that I am like the tortoise. I am a plodder. I keep soldiering on, step by step, day by day, but it is slow going. I sort of wish that I could be like some people who have the sudden revelation and immediately grasp what God has for them and then rejoice and celebrate in it. That isn't me; at least not at this stage of my life.

I'm not as hard on myself, though, as I used to be. I know I could do better and I know I still disappoint and neglect the Lord. I also recognize that I used to be motivated by lists and activities and actions that didn't always have my heart behind them. Because that was what motivated me, I had a sub-conscience tendency to feel that I was "earning" God's good pleasure. It has only been recently that I have really been able to embrace the idea that no matter what I do, God will NEVER love me less than He already does. Maybe that is what God is burning on my soul during these days.

"I love you Lord, I worship you,
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.
I give my life to honor this;
The love of Christ, the Saviour King!


Saviour King

Midnight and still counting...

I have to work in the morning. What is the matter with my brain? It just won't shut off tonight. I'm not depressed, not upset, not worried. I'm just...awake! I decided that I may as well jot down a few thoughts that I want to remember later.

We are doing a study on Proverbs in my Tuesday night Women's Bible Study. Tonight's lesson was on money and wealth and contained valuable advice concerning too much money, just enough, and poverty. One thing Proverbs makes clear; wisdom is to be a much higher priority than money. And with wisdom comes understanding, peace, honor, and a spirit that pleases the Lord. One of the pitfalls of money is that we can begin to trust in it instead of in God. If a person is particularly wealthy, I can see how tempting it would be to think that you're insulated from life's troubles and to believe that your money will somehow exempt you from suffering.

I'm far from wealthy. But I realized, while doing this lesson, that lately my focus has been on money a bit too much. I've been weighing options, trying to figure out how to support myself for the rest of my life. I am blessed to own a home and though I have a mortgage, it is still mine and it will be an investment that I can sell one day and hopefully, generate income. My thoughts have been spinning as I have considered multiple scenarios for enabling me to eventually retire and still survive. I have an excellent realtor (Steve Holman) who has been advising me, a successful accountant friend (Ken Jones) who has graciously offered his expertise, an investment specialist (Jim Watts) who is helping me to plan, a great tax person (Kathy York) who is familiar with my situation and a father (Bob Hager) who is 100% supportive and is also a fabulous listener. What a team! And there are others that God has surrounded me with as well who are available for whatever I may need.

That's all good! But it can also be overwhelming and consuming. I know that God wants me to be prepared, to plan, and to be a good steward of what He has given me. But in my quest for the "retirement plan" , I have come dangerously close to placing my trust and finding my security in the "plan", in the money my house might generate, in worldly "wealth", instead of trusting in the God who has lent me all that I have. I am grateful that He pointed that out to me this week. There's still hope for me!  :)  And I haven't strayed too far - by that I mean that I haven't gotten all crazy about trying to push things to happen or trying to hurry up and finalize something, anything, just so that I can say, "all right, now I'm set. I can live securely the rest of my life." That will never happen, no matter what I do, so I'm glad I didn't get to that point. But I want to be cognizant of the fact that I need a delicate balance. I need to respond to God's leading as He gives me the wisdom to do so, and I need to realize that His leading may come through some of the experts that He has provided. I need to do my part by budgeting, working hard, and managing my money wisely. But I also need to wait. And trust. And know. I need to know that God will direct me when the time comes and He will let me know what I am to do. And I can let it go and rest in Him and I don't need to be anxious. What peace there is in that! He knows what I need now and what I will need later. I don't need to present Him with a spreadsheet of expenses! He's got me covered and if I focus too much on my financial situation, I insult Him with my lack of faith.

I'm kind of excited. Low and behold, I don't need to know it all. I don't need to plan it all. I don't need to control it all. I just need to be prepared to be obedient to the God who has His plan for my life perfectly mapped out. It's awesomely freeing!

Proverbs 16:20

New International Version (NIV)

 Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.

Proverbs 30:7-9

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

⁷ Two things I asked of You,
Do not refuse me before I die:
⁸ Keep deception and lies far from me,
Give me neither poverty nor riches;
Feed me with the food that is my portion,
⁹ That I not be full and deny You and say, “Who is the Lord?”
Or that I not be in want and steal,
And profane the name of my God.

Letting Go

Today, I put my precious youngest daughter Tammera and her two sweet kids on the plane back to Tucson. They had been visiting for three weeks and while that is a nice, long visit, I hadn't seen them since May of last year. And - who knows when she'll be able to come out again? I am continually amazed at how much we all love and care for her. God grafted her into our family years ago. I didn't really understand the process but now, I can't imagine my life without her. She truly has become one of my own. I don't mean to sound sappy but I don't take this relationship for granted. My other girls were stuck with me from the start. Tammera and I chose each other. Maybe it's much like the way God grafts us into His family. I love Tammera for who she is, not for anything she does. That's how God loves me too. But today, I had to let her go. As painful as that was, she has a life and a husband in Tucson and that's where her place is now. I feel pretty sad tonight but kids growing up, moving away, having their own families, all that is normal. I hate the letting go that is part of that process but I accept it. I'm already eagerly looking forward to the next time we are together and I can hug all of them (By then, she'll have three kids)!

I've been thinking a lot lately about another kind of letting go. I was talking to Melissa the other night and I heard myself say to her, "There isn't one hour of any day that I don't think about your father." That was bothering me and as soon as I heard myself say it I knew I had to do something about it. I pondered this as I went to bed that night. I realized that Paul did consume my thoughts and consequently, I was constantly hurting. I was imprisoned in a way, by a man who was no longer in my life. I wondered if I could ask God to free me from the steady onslaught of memories, regrets, feelings, and thoughts. I was afraid. What if God answered my prayer? What would I think about? What would I have? And was it even right to be weary of the turmoil that thoughts of him brought? I felt convicted that it had been long enough. I may always love Paul and I will never regret my life with him. But it is gone now, not by my choice, but still gone. I very tentatively began to pray and ask the Lord to sort out my thoughts. This is hard for me to describe but it just felt so strange to be asking God to help me stop thinking about my husband! I fell asleep a little uncertain, wondering if I were on the right track, not understanding completely but suspecting that I was headed in the right direction. A few nights later I was at the Biblical Counseling class that I am taking. Afterwards, I was talking to a dear friend and I shared a little of what I had been thinking about. She jumped on it in her passionate, enthusiastic way. She's been where I am so she can get away with that. She very definitely felt that I needed to stop the unending cycle and boldly told me that it was sin! She said that I was putting Paul in the place where God should be. "Like an idol?", I said. Exactly. The Lord should consume my thoughts, not a mere man.

I think that God gave us that conversation that night and that it was confirmation to what I had already began processing. I really appreciated her honesty, her courage, and her genuine concern for me. She prayed with me before we went our separate ways and I haven't stopped thinking about all of this since. I haven't arrived! But I'm on the bus. My desire is to glorify God through my life, whatever that life looks like. It seems that for now, that means letting go of the person that occupied the most major portion of my life. It is an extremely painful letting go, not at all like seeing Tammera off. But for the Lord, for myself, for my girls, it is a step I need to take. With God's strength, it will be done.

Philippians 3:13-14

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Agony of the Soul

I recently spent some time with a person who was experiencing what I can only describe as "agony of the soul". He was truly suffering as he ranted against all the people who have ever hurt him and also was suffering as he contemplated his many poor choices and failures. I felt so sorry for him and so inadequate for the task of trying to encourage him and assure him of God's love for him. In spite of the very real pain that he was in he still couldn't seem to grasp that there was any hope for him. It was as if he had made a decision to screw up his life and had also resigned himself to an eternity in hell, believing that there was no other option for a man such as himself. He was more willing to rail against the world's injustices than to even consider a different path. He also couldn't fathom trusting justice to God and yet he was so frustrated with his own inability to extract justice. I realized, as I listened to him, that too often I judge, criticize, nag, or attempt to manipulate a person but I don't really know what is going on inside them. What I witnessed that day was a person who was being eaten alive from the inside out. I asked him if he thought that all the hurts that he held onto and all the injustices he felt had been committed against him were any worse than the hurt that I had suffered at the hands of the man who had sworn to love and cherish me forever. (My girls tell me I always win when I pull out that card!  ☺ ) I realized that though I had been hurt terribly and I still mourn the loss of my husband, I was not in the sad state that this man was. Had I ever been? I'm not sure. Certainly, when Paul first left me, my heartache was much rawer than it is now. I also had to look at my own failures in my marriage. But I always had the Lord right with me and I felt His presence and I never doubted that He would bring me through this and He has. As I ached over my mom's illness and death and even my own fears about inheriting a tendency towards Parkinson's, I was comforted by knowing that she would be forever with the Lord and that eventually, so would I. As I attempted to explain myself to the man crying in front of me, I found that God was ministering to me while I thought I was ministering to him. By expressing my thoughts and beliefs out loud to someone else, they were cemented in my mind. I was able to say, "Yes! I am His, praise God!" And I wouldn't trade that for anything. The pain we go through on this earth is nothing compared to the joy that will be ours in heaven. I was reminded of the words to the song, "Eagle's Wings". To be hidden in His love brings me to my knees and that is exactly where I need to be. Though it was difficult to watch, I was grateful for the glimpse into the human soul that was living (or trying to live) without the Lord. The pain of living without Him eclipses any earthly loss. I left that day, far more thankful for the peace that is mine and far more determined to pray for those still suffering and searching.


"Here I am waiting, abide in me I pray.
Here I am longing for You.
Hide me in Your love, bring me to my knees.
May I know Jesus more and more.

Come live in me, all my life take over.
Come breathe in me. I will rise on eagle's wings."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNiJZIs_tgk

What is wrong with me?

Not exactly sure what's wrong with me. My funk that I thought was caused by my water tank problems has lasted far too long. Maybe it is because there are still days when I either fall asleep thinking of Paul or I wake up thinking of him. The other night I even dreamed about him for a minute. I dreamed I was sitting next to him and all of a sudden I turned towards him and said, "Why did you throw me under the bus?" Is that weird or what? But it tells you what is really on my mind. I am struggling again to try to understand the unexplainable. It is an exercise in futility to be sure but one I keep returning to. It's the only exercise I indulge in these days.

I'm tempted to ask the Lord to remove thoughts of Paul from my mind but I am hesitant to do that. What if God answered my prayer and did just that? Not only would it erase Paul from my mind but it would basically eliminate my whole life. I can't remember a time without Paul. So if I can't think about Paul I also can't think about all the good times throughout the years. Somehow I need to learn to be able to remember the past, the good and the bad, and accept it as it is. I'm a great one for telling my girls to accept something, pick themselves up and get over it but I'm not following my own advice.

The Eagles, my all-time favorite band, said it well in their song, Get Over It:

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it

Is that what I'm doing? Wallowing in the pain? Complaining and blaming it on the past? You know, it's possible. I do well at presenting the image of a fairly healthy, functioning adult woman. But when alone it's a different story. I waste time, I wallow, I wonder, I worry. (I always wanted to do that alliteration stuff - you know, like the preachers do in their sermon bullet points. Ah, but I digress. ) Anyway, no matter how much I talk to myself, talk to others, talk to God, the fact remains that life requires work; hard work. And I am not unique.

I heard this week of an acquaintance who just lost her 21 year old son to drugs. How do you deal with that sort of stuff? I know God is in control and offers peace and I've written about that. Writing about it helps me to remember and hopefully helps it get through my thick skull. But I still have to live through it. And so I just keep telling myself,  "Hang on!" All of life is a process and sorrow and loss are part of that process. But hopefully, that process is leading me closer to my Creator. If it isn't, it's my bad not God's. He waits for me, so patiently. I think I'm struggling to grab hold of God but in reality, He's already holding me. I've just got to realize that and trust Him. He is my anchor and, unlike my water tank patches, the anchor holds!

Hebrews 6:18-20

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁸ So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. ¹⁹ This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. ²⁰ Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek.

Funks

It's funny. It doesn't seem to take much to get me in a funk sometimes. Last weekend, for some odd reason, I tromped up to the water storage tank. It's in the upper orchard area and can't be seen from the house or driveway. I think I went to pick a few lemons and while I was up there, I decided to check the tank. Sure enough, I found about four very small but very definite leaks. Everything is original around here which means that the tank is of the 1985 vintage. So there I was, last Sunday afternoon, in the cold, trying to patch the tank with J-B Weld. I knew it needed to be dry in order to stick but I tried anyway and you know what I was thinking? "This is a man's job!" But of course, the man is MIA so it's me. Now, I'm a pretty handy woman and there is no reason why I can't take care of some of this stuff. It was just the principle of the thing, you know? And for a short time, I gave in to the temptation of anger and blame.

When it became apparent that the J-B Weld was not going to stick on the wet tank (duh) I decided to turn the well pump off, use up most of the water until the water level dipped below the leaks, patch, let dry, turn pump back on, and voila! Water again, hopefully within a day or so. Good plan, I thought. I really had no idea how long it would take for us to use up that much water but the tank looks giant to me so I turned the pump off Sunday night. I was hoping that we'd have water for the next four days or so and that I could do my repairs on the weekend when I didn't have to worry about getting a shower before work. Again, good plan, I thought. However, when did we run out of water? Tonight! During Bible Study. After only two days. I came home in a funk.

I grabbed a flashlight, put on my boots and once again tromped up into the orchard. Finally, it occurred to me that I was on dangerous ground, attitude wise, and that I'd better take a minute to pray. I asked the Lord to help me not blame the leaks on a guy who hasn't even been around for two + years. After all, things wear out. I can't blame everything on him. I realized how selfish and spoiled I am. At this point, I hadn't had water for a whole two hours but I'd gone into survival mode like it was going to last forever. I checked out the tank again, decided that I couldn't attempt to patch it by flashlight late at night, gave up and turned the well pump back on. We'll have water by morning and I'll shut it off in a day or two and try again.

All the while, I knew this was a small problem; a minor setback. Why did it put me into such a funk? I'm still pondering that but I think that I do pretty well in the larger dramas of life but it's the little things that trip me up.  Satan is well aware of that as well. I don't guard myself adequately. I'm either relying on my own abilities to take care of all the little details of life and forget to bring God into the equation, or perhaps I get worn down by some of the bigger difficulties that I've experienced and even though I've gotten through them with the Lord's help, I fail to realize how depleted my strength is and so I am easy prey for an invitation to a pity party. Shame on me. I should know better.

All this random blathering on about the well...and what is my conclusion? I think I need to praise God for these smallish problems because they draw my attention to weaknesses in myself and shift my focus just a little more towards my Creator. And every time God allows me to gain a small victory over my sinful, selfish tendencies, He prepares me a little more for those larger dramas of life that are sure to come. Thank you, Lord. I will be in the orchard again this weekend, again without water, again attempting a patch job. I'm hoping and praying that my attitude will be totally different this time and I'm grateful that God is giving me a second chance.

My Dream

I dreamed about Paul last night. It was weird. I didn't wake up angry or scared or upset - reflective, I guess you'd say. In my dream, we had a long conversation. I told him a lot of the things that he had done that had hurt me so much. Details are fuzzy at this point - you know how dreams go. But there was a sense of having said so many of the things that I'd never gotten the chance to say. Like, "How could you bring her into our home and expect and even ask me to minister to her?" Or, "How could you so easily walk away from over 35 years of marriage?" "How could you live such a double life?" "How could I not know?" "Don't you miss any of us?" The exact questions elude me now, some 15 hours later. But when I awoke, I was definitely aware that I had unburdened myself, that I had said much of what had been stored up inside for two years. But sadly, I also had a very clear sense that he just didn't get it. The Lord and I have gone round and round about this. Do I say anything at all to him? And what purpose might it serve? I cannot remember how Paul responded in my dream. But I cannot deny that I understood that he was somewhat oblivious to the pain he has caused. And so I wonder. Is this the Lord saying, "Debbie. This is as close as you're going to get to telling him anything. Let it go. It won't do any good. Trust me with your hurts. I've got you covered!"

Let it go!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.       Romans 15:13

Conversation with God

Lord, I am so tired.

     But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;   Lam. 3:21, 22

Lord, my children are angry. Lord, I am angry.

     Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil.   Psalm 37:8


     In your anger do not sin.   Eph. 4:26

How long, oh Lord, until we get a break?

     The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him.   Lam. 3:25

I am hurting, Lord. And worse, my children are hurting!

     I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.   Psalm 31:7


I feel so alone, Lord.

     In Thee, O Lord, do I seek refuge.   Psalm 31:1

I don't understand why all this has happened.

     Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.   Ecclesiastes 7:3 & 4

I don't know what to do - for myself, for my dad, for my kids.

     I will give thanks...   Psalm 139:14, I Chronicles 16:34, Psalms 7:17, 28:7, 100:4, 105:1, I Thess. 5:18


Lord, I need sleep so badly. Restful, peaceful, sleep.

     Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.   Psalm 31:9


     I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.   Psalm 4:8

I keep praying, Lord. Do You hear me?

     In my distress I screamed to the Lord for His help. And He heard me from heaven; my cry reached His ears.   Psalm 18:6


Lord, I'm tired of crying every night!

      I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears.  Psalm 6:6

     He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that has gone forever.   Rev. 21:4

A New Perspective

Last night, I watched the movie "Soul Surfer". In case you aren't familiar with the story, it is based on the true experiences of a young teenage girl in Hawaii. She is an awesome surfer but one morning, her arm is bitten off by a shark. The girl is a Christian but is, of course, struggling to understand why God allowed her to lose her arm. She thinks she has lost everything. A youth leader encourages her to step back and try to get a new perspective. She ends up going on a short-term mission trip to Thailand shortly after the tsunami. She realizes that though she will never be the same and she will always be missing an arm, God is still in control and He will bring good out her tragedy.

I've been thinking a lot about those same types of things lately. No, I haven't lost an arm but I have lost a husband (not my choice) and that was and is a huge piece of me. I haven't been single since I was 20 years old and that is a very long time ago. My entire adult life, all my adult experiences, all my memories (few though they may be due to my terrible forgetfulness), all my history is wrapped up together with a man who has now torn himself away. A large gaping wound is left - much like where the surfer girl's arm used to be. Why? What good is God going to bring out of this? I've come to understand that I am always going to feel the pain of my loss. It is legitimate, it is life-changing, it is agonizing. However, I can still choose to trust God in the midst of this and I can choose joy. For today, I'm doing pretty well. I'm working on being grateful for all that I do have and God is showing me in lots of small ways how specifically He is caring for me. Joy is a deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control. I praise God for that! I, obviously, have no control over anything! Believe me, when your husband takes off you realize that your carefully ordered life is an illusion. I can let this tragedy have one of two effects in my life. Either I will have my faith strengthened, and I will turn to God for comfort, or I can choose to become angry at God and turn away from Him. But if I turn from God, what do I have left? Then, I would truly have nothing!

I read a quote that said, "Hardships in life either will make you better or bitter. You decide which one it will be, because character is not made in crisis; it is revealed. It is when a crisis hits that we see what a man or woman is really made of. " I never wanted to be bitter but there have certainly been times when I did not want to be better either!! But I've had to try to get to the place where my future, my emotions, my loneliness and pain, my confusion, my shock, everything is in God's hands. I need to just be willing to rest in Him. What does that mean to me?

"It means that we come to realize God’s plan for us is better than our plan for ourselves. And when He leads us to a different place, it is for our ultimate good. Maybe it is not for our temporary good. Maybe it doesn’t make complete sense. But He has a plan. And we are to follow Him and comply."

That is my new perspective.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2, NIV).