I recently spent some time with a person who was experiencing what I can only describe as "agony of the soul". He was truly suffering as he ranted against all the people who have ever hurt him and also was suffering as he contemplated his many poor choices and failures. I felt so sorry for him and so inadequate for the task of trying to encourage him and assure him of God's love for him. In spite of the very real pain that he was in he still couldn't seem to grasp that there was any hope for him. It was as if he had made a decision to screw up his life and had also resigned himself to an eternity in hell, believing that there was no other option for a man such as himself. He was more willing to rail against the world's injustices than to even consider a different path. He also couldn't fathom trusting justice to God and yet he was so frustrated with his own inability to extract justice. I realized, as I listened to him, that too often I judge, criticize, nag, or attempt to manipulate a person but I don't really know what is going on inside them. What I witnessed that day was a person who was being eaten alive from the inside out. I asked him if he thought that all the hurts that he held onto and all the injustices he felt had been committed against him were any worse than the hurt that I had suffered at the hands of the man who had sworn to love and cherish me forever. (My girls tell me I always win when I pull out that card! ☺ ) I realized that though I had been hurt terribly and I still mourn the loss of my husband, I was not in the sad state that this man was. Had I ever been? I'm not sure. Certainly, when Paul first left me, my heartache was much rawer than it is now. I also had to look at my own failures in my marriage. But I always had the Lord right with me and I felt His presence and I never doubted that He would bring me through this and He has. As I ached over my mom's illness and death and even my own fears about inheriting a tendency towards Parkinson's, I was comforted by knowing that she would be forever with the Lord and that eventually, so would I. As I attempted to explain myself to the man crying in front of me, I found that God was ministering to me while I thought I was ministering to him. By expressing my thoughts and beliefs out loud to someone else, they were cemented in my mind. I was able to say, "Yes! I am His, praise God!" And I wouldn't trade that for anything. The pain we go through on this earth is nothing compared to the joy that will be ours in heaven. I was reminded of the words to the song, "Eagle's Wings". To be hidden in His love brings me to my knees and that is exactly where I need to be. Though it was difficult to watch, I was grateful for the glimpse into the human soul that was living (or trying to live) without the Lord. The pain of living without Him eclipses any earthly loss. I left that day, far more thankful for the peace that is mine and far more determined to pray for those still suffering and searching.
"Here I am waiting, abide in me I pray.
Here I am longing for You.
Hide me in Your love, bring me to my knees.
May I know Jesus more and more.
Come live in me, all my life take over.
Come breathe in me. I will rise on eagle's wings."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNiJZIs_tgk
AMEN!
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