I dreamed about Paul last night. It was weird. I didn't wake up angry or scared or upset - reflective, I guess you'd say. In my dream, we had a long conversation. I told him a lot of the things that he had done that had hurt me so much. Details are fuzzy at this point - you know how dreams go. But there was a sense of having said so many of the things that I'd never gotten the chance to say. Like, "How could you bring her into our home and expect and even ask me to minister to her?" Or, "How could you so easily walk away from over 35 years of marriage?" "How could you live such a double life?" "How could I not know?" "Don't you miss any of us?" The exact questions elude me now, some 15 hours later. But when I awoke, I was definitely aware that I had unburdened myself, that I had said much of what had been stored up inside for two years. But sadly, I also had a very clear sense that he just didn't get it. The Lord and I have gone round and round about this. Do I say anything at all to him? And what purpose might it serve? I cannot remember how Paul responded in my dream. But I cannot deny that I understood that he was somewhat oblivious to the pain he has caused. And so I wonder. Is this the Lord saying, "Debbie. This is as close as you're going to get to telling him anything. Let it go. It won't do any good. Trust me with your hurts. I've got you covered!"
Let it go!
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
The Diet
You may remember from my last blog that I was going to attempt an "eating healthy" New Year. I spent about two weeks before Christmas thinking about this "plan", reading a book about changing your whole eating lifestyle, and spent many hours preparing myself for the "plan". I'm happy to report that so far, I have made a little progress. My diet plan was fairly simple; lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, small amounts of meat, almost no dairy products, and...the big one...no eating after 8 p.m. Melissa decided to join me and I didn't even have to twist her arm. I did have to promise not to nag her, though. I have never eaten so many veges in such a short amount of time. Jenny opted in also and since we are all here during the week, we are working together on it. We cook together, pack our breakfast and lunch for the next day, and we have been doing Yoga at night. I am finding that I don't mind the Yoga too much. I suck at the balance stuff and I fall over frequently but that just adds entertainment. We eat salad, salad, salad and I have to start looking for some alternatives. I like vegetables quite a lot, actually, so I'm O.K. with eating so much but not every vegetable dish has been met with enthusiasm.
One night, I made what the book called a "California toastie". This consisted of two pieces of bread with steamed, diced, broccoli and cauliflower, bean sprouts, and a tiny bit of mayonnaise. It was made into a sandwich using one of those sandwich maker machines that is supposed to seal the bread around your filling. I didn't think it was too bad but really, no matter how you slice it, a cauliflower sandwich for dinner is not something I long for. We'll keep working on the menus.
We put in planned "cheater days". This means that we get to pick a time each week when we decide to cheat, hopefully just a little. We did really well last week and I was feeling pretty self-righteous about it. Then yesterday arrived. I was trying to clean out my office, file papers, throw stuff away, etc. It is a dreaded task and it seemed to be worse this year, maybe because Paul's name is all over everything. No excuse but I sort of got in a funk. Plus I didn't finish the office. I decided that it was a good night to cheat. Now remember, we have one planned cheater day a week so I was O.K. there. But I think I've possibly learned that I should never "cheat" as a response to stress. To make a long story short, I had a Klondike Bar, wine, rollos, and nuts. It was way too much. I really should count it as three cheater days and skip the next couple of weeks. I was so disappointed in myself and today, not only do I feel like I failed but I also feel sluggish and slow physically. I was feeling much better when I was eating healthy stuff.
So what can I learn from all of this? Well, obviously, I need to work on self-control. Actually, I think I need to pray specifically for self-control. It is a fruit of the spirit and I need it! Secondly, I guess I should cut myself some slack. For almost two weeks I have eaten an awesomely healthful diet with one fail. Prior to starting this plan, I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted so even with last night's fail it is still a tremendous improvement for me. And lastly, I can do this! Satan would like to see me give up now that I've blown it so bad. I wonder how many other things in my life have been affected by that way of thinking. But it doesn't have to be that way. God gives us each new day to do things differently and I'm not just talking about food. He knows our weaknesses and expects our failures. But He also provides for our successes and I'm counting on Him giving me the strength I need to conquer this obsession with eating crap. I tend to think that as I develop self-control in this area, it will carry over into other areas of my life. I need to focus on all the rest of the days when I didn't cheat instead of on the one night that I threw away. I will do this!!
P.S. I have never in my life thought so much about what I ate as I have these last two weeks nor have I ever rejoiced so much over a piece of bread or an old pear!
One night, I made what the book called a "California toastie". This consisted of two pieces of bread with steamed, diced, broccoli and cauliflower, bean sprouts, and a tiny bit of mayonnaise. It was made into a sandwich using one of those sandwich maker machines that is supposed to seal the bread around your filling. I didn't think it was too bad but really, no matter how you slice it, a cauliflower sandwich for dinner is not something I long for. We'll keep working on the menus.
We put in planned "cheater days". This means that we get to pick a time each week when we decide to cheat, hopefully just a little. We did really well last week and I was feeling pretty self-righteous about it. Then yesterday arrived. I was trying to clean out my office, file papers, throw stuff away, etc. It is a dreaded task and it seemed to be worse this year, maybe because Paul's name is all over everything. No excuse but I sort of got in a funk. Plus I didn't finish the office. I decided that it was a good night to cheat. Now remember, we have one planned cheater day a week so I was O.K. there. But I think I've possibly learned that I should never "cheat" as a response to stress. To make a long story short, I had a Klondike Bar, wine, rollos, and nuts. It was way too much. I really should count it as three cheater days and skip the next couple of weeks. I was so disappointed in myself and today, not only do I feel like I failed but I also feel sluggish and slow physically. I was feeling much better when I was eating healthy stuff.
So what can I learn from all of this? Well, obviously, I need to work on self-control. Actually, I think I need to pray specifically for self-control. It is a fruit of the spirit and I need it! Secondly, I guess I should cut myself some slack. For almost two weeks I have eaten an awesomely healthful diet with one fail. Prior to starting this plan, I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted so even with last night's fail it is still a tremendous improvement for me. And lastly, I can do this! Satan would like to see me give up now that I've blown it so bad. I wonder how many other things in my life have been affected by that way of thinking. But it doesn't have to be that way. God gives us each new day to do things differently and I'm not just talking about food. He knows our weaknesses and expects our failures. But He also provides for our successes and I'm counting on Him giving me the strength I need to conquer this obsession with eating crap. I tend to think that as I develop self-control in this area, it will carry over into other areas of my life. I need to focus on all the rest of the days when I didn't cheat instead of on the one night that I threw away. I will do this!!
P.S. I have never in my life thought so much about what I ate as I have these last two weeks nor have I ever rejoiced so much over a piece of bread or an old pear!
Monday, January 2, 2012
A New Year
I never make New Year's resolutions. In my mind, that is a recipe for disaster and a sure fail. But if ever there was a year that needed something new, it's 2012. New habits, new perspective, new thoughts, new adventures. So I have some plans rambling around inside my head. I don't really want to voice them for fear I'll immediately realize my inability to carry out those plans but somehow, I must make some progress this year.
For example, how long can I continue to pretend that it is Paul's fault that I am eating chips and drinking wine at 10:00 at night? It's been two years this month since he left. I mean, really, it worked for a long time and justifiably so. What else could I have done but stuffed myself at all hours? But enough! So, I very timidly tell you that I have a "Healthy Eating Plan". I say "timidly" because I am so uncertain that any discipline or self-control will be summoned. I haven't exhibited moderation for a very long time. I don't mean that I get drunk or eat to the point of regurgitation. But I have been doing whatever I want, whenever I want, regardless of the fact that it is undoubtedly not good for me. I suppose I have felt "entitled". I've read that some women lose their appetites when their husbands bail. Why not me? At least I would have gotten something out of this deal gone bad. Oh well. I've got to work with what I've got and what I've got right now is a life that lacks self-control. I'd like to say otherwise. I crack jokes about it all the time. Truthfully, it's not funny anymore nor is it enjoyable. Well, maybe it's a little enjoyable but you know what I mean. When you do something all the time, it loses its specialness and ceases to be a party. If I'm going to sit in bed with a bag of Rollos, I WANT TO ENJOY THEM!! And then, of course, there is the guilt. There is nothing like a Rollo hangover laced with guilt to bring you down.
No New Year's plan would be complete without the mention of exercise. While I have eaten with abandon I have restrained myself from exercising. It's been tough but I wanted to make a statement. Not! If you know me at all, you know that I absolutely hate to exercise. I'm not sure what to do about this. Right now, Melissa has signed on as my personal trainer. (This might be a case of "the blind leading the blind".) She loves to dance and she got that Dance Party game for her Wii for Christmas. Our plan is to try to do that a few times a week. I can't dance, I've got no rhythm, and I think I'm going to have a heart attack before a song is even half over. I guess I could hope for that. If I had a heart attack I wouldn't have to worry about the exercise or the darn "healthy eating plan". Anyway, I have been mourning the fact that I am turning 60 this year for many months now so I need to shut up about it and figure that exercise might have a positive effect on this aging bod. It'd be a miracle but one can always dream.
I have some other plans. I want to pray more and complain less. I want to do more Bible Study and watch less HGTV. I want to organize my closets and stop spending needlessly. I want to shave my legs more often and quit biting my fingernails. I want to entertain some and enjoy family and friends and quit moaning about what's missing. I want to embrace contentment and nag less. I suppose I could go on and on but I don't want to be disappointed. More than that, I don't want to disappoint God. I want to be "good" for Him but I don't want to make it all about my "goodness". I want my life to be a relationship with Him and realize that, in the end, He may not actually care how many Rollos I eat. I want to recognize that He cares about me but my focus must be on Him. He longs to spend time with me but it's so that I can come to know Him. So...lots of plans for 2012. For right now, I'm going to pick up all the Rollo wrappers from the floor next to my bed and go eat a grapefruit. And then I'm going to take it a moment at a time.
By the way, that part about shaving my legs more often and not biting my fingernails? Never gonna happen!
For example, how long can I continue to pretend that it is Paul's fault that I am eating chips and drinking wine at 10:00 at night? It's been two years this month since he left. I mean, really, it worked for a long time and justifiably so. What else could I have done but stuffed myself at all hours? But enough! So, I very timidly tell you that I have a "Healthy Eating Plan". I say "timidly" because I am so uncertain that any discipline or self-control will be summoned. I haven't exhibited moderation for a very long time. I don't mean that I get drunk or eat to the point of regurgitation. But I have been doing whatever I want, whenever I want, regardless of the fact that it is undoubtedly not good for me. I suppose I have felt "entitled". I've read that some women lose their appetites when their husbands bail. Why not me? At least I would have gotten something out of this deal gone bad. Oh well. I've got to work with what I've got and what I've got right now is a life that lacks self-control. I'd like to say otherwise. I crack jokes about it all the time. Truthfully, it's not funny anymore nor is it enjoyable. Well, maybe it's a little enjoyable but you know what I mean. When you do something all the time, it loses its specialness and ceases to be a party. If I'm going to sit in bed with a bag of Rollos, I WANT TO ENJOY THEM!! And then, of course, there is the guilt. There is nothing like a Rollo hangover laced with guilt to bring you down.
No New Year's plan would be complete without the mention of exercise. While I have eaten with abandon I have restrained myself from exercising. It's been tough but I wanted to make a statement. Not! If you know me at all, you know that I absolutely hate to exercise. I'm not sure what to do about this. Right now, Melissa has signed on as my personal trainer. (This might be a case of "the blind leading the blind".) She loves to dance and she got that Dance Party game for her Wii for Christmas. Our plan is to try to do that a few times a week. I can't dance, I've got no rhythm, and I think I'm going to have a heart attack before a song is even half over. I guess I could hope for that. If I had a heart attack I wouldn't have to worry about the exercise or the darn "healthy eating plan". Anyway, I have been mourning the fact that I am turning 60 this year for many months now so I need to shut up about it and figure that exercise might have a positive effect on this aging bod. It'd be a miracle but one can always dream.
I have some other plans. I want to pray more and complain less. I want to do more Bible Study and watch less HGTV. I want to organize my closets and stop spending needlessly. I want to shave my legs more often and quit biting my fingernails. I want to entertain some and enjoy family and friends and quit moaning about what's missing. I want to embrace contentment and nag less. I suppose I could go on and on but I don't want to be disappointed. More than that, I don't want to disappoint God. I want to be "good" for Him but I don't want to make it all about my "goodness". I want my life to be a relationship with Him and realize that, in the end, He may not actually care how many Rollos I eat. I want to recognize that He cares about me but my focus must be on Him. He longs to spend time with me but it's so that I can come to know Him. So...lots of plans for 2012. For right now, I'm going to pick up all the Rollo wrappers from the floor next to my bed and go eat a grapefruit. And then I'm going to take it a moment at a time.
By the way, that part about shaving my legs more often and not biting my fingernails? Never gonna happen!
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