Funks

It's funny. It doesn't seem to take much to get me in a funk sometimes. Last weekend, for some odd reason, I tromped up to the water storage tank. It's in the upper orchard area and can't be seen from the house or driveway. I think I went to pick a few lemons and while I was up there, I decided to check the tank. Sure enough, I found about four very small but very definite leaks. Everything is original around here which means that the tank is of the 1985 vintage. So there I was, last Sunday afternoon, in the cold, trying to patch the tank with J-B Weld. I knew it needed to be dry in order to stick but I tried anyway and you know what I was thinking? "This is a man's job!" But of course, the man is MIA so it's me. Now, I'm a pretty handy woman and there is no reason why I can't take care of some of this stuff. It was just the principle of the thing, you know? And for a short time, I gave in to the temptation of anger and blame.

When it became apparent that the J-B Weld was not going to stick on the wet tank (duh) I decided to turn the well pump off, use up most of the water until the water level dipped below the leaks, patch, let dry, turn pump back on, and voila! Water again, hopefully within a day or so. Good plan, I thought. I really had no idea how long it would take for us to use up that much water but the tank looks giant to me so I turned the pump off Sunday night. I was hoping that we'd have water for the next four days or so and that I could do my repairs on the weekend when I didn't have to worry about getting a shower before work. Again, good plan, I thought. However, when did we run out of water? Tonight! During Bible Study. After only two days. I came home in a funk.

I grabbed a flashlight, put on my boots and once again tromped up into the orchard. Finally, it occurred to me that I was on dangerous ground, attitude wise, and that I'd better take a minute to pray. I asked the Lord to help me not blame the leaks on a guy who hasn't even been around for two + years. After all, things wear out. I can't blame everything on him. I realized how selfish and spoiled I am. At this point, I hadn't had water for a whole two hours but I'd gone into survival mode like it was going to last forever. I checked out the tank again, decided that I couldn't attempt to patch it by flashlight late at night, gave up and turned the well pump back on. We'll have water by morning and I'll shut it off in a day or two and try again.

All the while, I knew this was a small problem; a minor setback. Why did it put me into such a funk? I'm still pondering that but I think that I do pretty well in the larger dramas of life but it's the little things that trip me up.  Satan is well aware of that as well. I don't guard myself adequately. I'm either relying on my own abilities to take care of all the little details of life and forget to bring God into the equation, or perhaps I get worn down by some of the bigger difficulties that I've experienced and even though I've gotten through them with the Lord's help, I fail to realize how depleted my strength is and so I am easy prey for an invitation to a pity party. Shame on me. I should know better.

All this random blathering on about the well...and what is my conclusion? I think I need to praise God for these smallish problems because they draw my attention to weaknesses in myself and shift my focus just a little more towards my Creator. And every time God allows me to gain a small victory over my sinful, selfish tendencies, He prepares me a little more for those larger dramas of life that are sure to come. Thank you, Lord. I will be in the orchard again this weekend, again without water, again attempting a patch job. I'm hoping and praying that my attitude will be totally different this time and I'm grateful that God is giving me a second chance.

My Dream

I dreamed about Paul last night. It was weird. I didn't wake up angry or scared or upset - reflective, I guess you'd say. In my dream, we had a long conversation. I told him a lot of the things that he had done that had hurt me so much. Details are fuzzy at this point - you know how dreams go. But there was a sense of having said so many of the things that I'd never gotten the chance to say. Like, "How could you bring her into our home and expect and even ask me to minister to her?" Or, "How could you so easily walk away from over 35 years of marriage?" "How could you live such a double life?" "How could I not know?" "Don't you miss any of us?" The exact questions elude me now, some 15 hours later. But when I awoke, I was definitely aware that I had unburdened myself, that I had said much of what had been stored up inside for two years. But sadly, I also had a very clear sense that he just didn't get it. The Lord and I have gone round and round about this. Do I say anything at all to him? And what purpose might it serve? I cannot remember how Paul responded in my dream. But I cannot deny that I understood that he was somewhat oblivious to the pain he has caused. And so I wonder. Is this the Lord saying, "Debbie. This is as close as you're going to get to telling him anything. Let it go. It won't do any good. Trust me with your hurts. I've got you covered!"

Let it go!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.       Romans 15:13

A New Year

I never make New Year's resolutions. In my mind, that is a recipe for disaster and a sure fail. But if ever there was a year that needed something new, it's 2012. New habits, new perspective, new thoughts, new adventures. So I have some plans rambling around inside my head. I don't really want to voice them for fear I'll immediately realize my inability to carry out those plans but somehow, I must make some progress this year.

For example, how long can I continue to pretend that it is Paul's fault that I am eating chips and drinking wine at 10:00 at night? It's been two years this month since he left. I mean, really, it worked for a long time and justifiably so. What else could I have done but stuffed myself at all hours? But enough! So, I very timidly tell you that I have a "Healthy Eating Plan". I say "timidly" because I am so uncertain that any discipline or self-control will be summoned. I haven't exhibited moderation for a very long time. I don't mean that I get drunk or eat to the point of regurgitation. But I have been doing whatever I want, whenever I want, regardless of the fact that it is undoubtedly not good for me. I suppose I have felt "entitled". I've read that some women lose their appetites when their husbands bail. Why not me? At least I would have gotten something out of this deal gone bad. Oh well. I've got to work with what I've got and what I've got right now is a life that lacks self-control. I'd like to say otherwise. I crack jokes about it all the time. Truthfully, it's not funny anymore nor is it enjoyable. Well, maybe it's a little enjoyable but you know what I mean. When you do something all the time, it loses its specialness and ceases to be a party. If I'm going to sit in bed with a bag of Rollos, I WANT TO ENJOY THEM!! And then, of course, there is the guilt. There is nothing like a Rollo hangover laced with guilt to bring you down.

No New Year's plan would be complete without the mention of exercise. While I have eaten with abandon I have restrained myself from exercising. It's been tough but I wanted to make a statement. Not! If you know me at all, you know that I absolutely hate to exercise. I'm not sure what to do about this. Right now, Melissa has signed on as my personal trainer. (This might be a case of "the blind leading the blind".) She loves to dance and she got that Dance Party game for her Wii for Christmas. Our plan is to try to do that a few times a week. I can't dance, I've got no rhythm, and I think I'm going to have a heart attack before a song is even half over. I guess I could hope for that. If I had a heart attack I wouldn't have to worry about the exercise or the darn "healthy eating plan". Anyway, I have been mourning the fact that I am turning 60 this year for many months now so I need to shut up about it and figure that exercise might have a positive effect on this aging bod. It'd be a miracle but one can always dream.

I have some other plans. I want to pray more and complain less. I want to do more Bible Study and watch less HGTV. I want to organize my closets and stop spending needlessly. I want to shave my legs more often and quit biting my fingernails. I want to entertain some and enjoy family and friends and quit moaning about what's missing. I want to embrace contentment and nag less. I suppose I could go on and on but I don't want to be disappointed. More than that, I don't want to disappoint God. I want to be "good" for Him but I don't want to make it all about my "goodness". I want my life to be a relationship with Him and realize that, in the end, He may not actually care how many Rollos I eat. I want to recognize that He cares about me but my focus must be on Him.  He longs to spend time with me but it's so that I can come to know Him. So...lots of plans for 2012. For right now, I'm going to pick up all the Rollo wrappers from the floor next to my bed and go eat a grapefruit.  And then I'm going to take it a moment at a time.

By the way, that part about shaving my legs more often and not biting my fingernails? Never gonna happen!

Anger - (Warning: Slightly inappropriate language)

I was watching a TV show the other night and it featured a married couple who appeared to be about my age. In this particular episode, the wife was celebrating opening her own store and was having a party for her family and friends. The husband took a moment and toasted his wife, praising her for her brains and her beauty and her stubbornness, etc.

Son of a bitch!!


What? Did I say that? I sort of whispered the words but inside I had screamed them!  And then I immediately felt a great sadness. Where had that come from? Believe me, my language isn't always pure but I don't ever remember calling anyone that. The show I was watching was a happy one. Why this sudden reaction?

I began to think about what I was feeling. I realized that at the moment that I watched that husband toast his wife, I instantly became aware that there would be no man toasting me for anything any time. At my next birthday I'll be 60 -  sort of a monumental birthday and not one I'm happy about. I don't want a big deal. That's not me. But I must admit that a loving husband singing my praises would not have been offensive. I was taken by surprise by the depth of my reaction and the anger that overtook me. Recently, after seeing a counselor for over a year, I was released  and deemed healthy enough to cope on my own. Her parting instruction to me, however, was to deal with anger. She didn't mean she wanted me to stop getting angry. Nope. She wanted me to get mad. In fact, her exact words were, "Where is your righteous indignation?" Well, I might have found it for just a moment.

I had wondered if it might overtake me suddenly and unexpectedly. And so it did. It didn't last long but it did serve as a warning. There is stuff buried inside me and while I really am doing well, I still have garbage to deal with and I need to be careful how I deal with it.

In the Bible Study that I am a part of we are learning about how God heals our hurts. Over and over, it seems to come back to trust in the Lord and fill yourself with His Word.

"Joy is a deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control.  

We cannot avoid pain but we can avoid joy because joy is the harvest of a life that consistently pursues God and insists on seeking His truth, longing to obey that truth.  The pursuit of joy is a matter of choice and perspective."


I don't know where I read that but it so speaks to me and my situation. I long for God's perspective on my life and also for my kids' lives. We seem to have the pain part down pat but joy? I've got a lot to work on in that arena. But I can honestly say that I am getting closer. Don't get me wrong. I am sometimes lonely without a husband. I am angry that he was unfaithful. I am confused about how it happened and how I could not know the man I had been with for 37 years. It has taken me awhile but I am going to sleep with fewer and fewer tears and the worry level really isn't too high. 


I have my moments. I can't lie. The other night, I made the mistake of pulling out my Social Security statements to see how much I'll get at each different age should I ever retire. Let me tell you - it was sobering.  Of course, I had always thought that there would be two social security checks plus a husband's retirement plus eventually, a house with no mortgage. All that has changed. I did spend a day or so sort of worrying about it. But fairly quickly, I was able to give it to God. I want to want what He wants. And I want desperately to please Him and trust Him fully. He has saved me! If He can do that, why do I worry that He might not take care of my physical and financial needs? He created and formed me and chose me! I don't need anything else. My dad is a pretty wise old guy and he told me something not long ago that has stuck with me. He said,


"We have limited ability to change our circumstances but unlimited ability to change our attitudes."


So I'm a work in progress but I'm beginning to have moments where I can feel a little excitement about what God might do in my life. I'm focusing a bit more on what I've got than on what went missing. I'm old enough to remember the Mary Tyler Moore Show from the '70s. In the theme song the famous phrase was, "You're gonna make it after all."  Yep, I'm gonna make it. But I do NOT want to limp into heaven still playing the part of a wounded victim. I want to race triumphantly into my Savior's arms having committed myself to obey Him above all else.



I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2, NIV).

"'For your Maker is your husband—the LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One ofIsrael is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,' says your God" (Isaiah 54:5-6).

Conversation with God

Lord, I am so tired.

     But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;   Lam. 3:21, 22

Lord, my children are angry. Lord, I am angry.

     Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil.   Psalm 37:8


     In your anger do not sin.   Eph. 4:26

How long, oh Lord, until we get a break?

     The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him.   Lam. 3:25

I am hurting, Lord. And worse, my children are hurting!

     I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.   Psalm 31:7


I feel so alone, Lord.

     In Thee, O Lord, do I seek refuge.   Psalm 31:1

I don't understand why all this has happened.

     Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.   Ecclesiastes 7:3 & 4

I don't know what to do - for myself, for my dad, for my kids.

     I will give thanks...   Psalm 139:14, I Chronicles 16:34, Psalms 7:17, 28:7, 100:4, 105:1, I Thess. 5:18


Lord, I need sleep so badly. Restful, peaceful, sleep.

     Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.   Psalm 31:9


     I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.   Psalm 4:8

I keep praying, Lord. Do You hear me?

     In my distress I screamed to the Lord for His help. And He heard me from heaven; my cry reached His ears.   Psalm 18:6


Lord, I'm tired of crying every night!

      I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears.  Psalm 6:6

     He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that has gone forever.   Rev. 21:4