The Divorcee

I wake up some mornings thinking about Paul; or more accurately, thinking about my life without Paul. That happens on a fairly regular basis but certainly not as often as it used to. It's funny how something that happened so long ago, 10 years to be precise, can still often seem like just yesterday. Since Paul and I split up I feel like I have a much better idea of what God designed through the covenant of marriage and by extension, the covenant between Christ and His people. As many of us do, I took my marriage for granted. I truly believed that I would be married "til death do us part." And I believed we had the kind of love and relationship that could weather anything. So often, I feel like I don't fit anywhere anymore, especially in Christian settings. That's ridiculous because there are tons of Christian marriages that have, sadly, crashed and burned. I am not unique. And I think I need to give up on the idea of thinking that it's about time I "got over it." Christ dedicated His life and death and resurrection to His bride, the church. It is a never-ending covenant. If a marriage covenant is compared to Christ's covenant and that marriage covenant is dissolved then I think it is safe to say that it is O.K. for me to be floundering. It was never meant to be this way. So what do I do now? This is sort of the question I've been grappling with lately.

What do You want from me now Lord? The multiple ministries that I was involved in disappeared along with the husband. My life now consists of working, enjoying grandchildren, helping out kids when I can, and assisting my dad. That's not a bad list but apparently, there is a part of me that has been fighting a bit with God. Almost imperceptibly, I've been saying, "NO!" No, this can't be all there is. No, I thought we'd be the couple that survived. No, I won't wait for God to show me what to do. No, I won't struggle or be sad or lonely. No, the things I'm currently doing aren't important enough!

When I try to write my thoughts down, I tend to over-spiritualize things. Sometimes I think I write this way because I hope that the spiritualness will soak into me. If I put it on paper, maybe it will become truth. To a degree, it is helpful. But the fact of the matter is that regardless of what happened, the breakup of my marriage sucks. I'm doing well, I've reached a level of contentment that is also relatively pain-free in the room that used to contain a companion. I know that when Paul abandoned me, God did not. I know that I have not abandoned God though my faith is always a work in progress. I know that I can survive and I have experienced God's very near presence when I thought I wouldn't survive. I know that there are far harder things to go through in life than betrayal but I also have learned not to trivialize my feelings about it.

So for now, I just keep plugging away. I do not celebrate my singleness but instead, mourn the loss of my "coupleness." I do not feel a freedom to do whatever I want now that I am not married. (Well, I do snack in bed but that's a small thing.) I accept that there will probably always be a loneliness for that special relationship even though I know that the Lord is all I need. I accept that I cannot retire anytime soon but I am grateful for the job that God has given me. Life changes unexpectedly and no one is spared. I don't doubt that God is good and I don't doubt that He is using everything we experience for our good. Nothing profound for today - just keeping my head down and carrying on.