I have a problem with joy. How stupid is that! But it's true. It's not that I don't feel joy. I definitely do but I am so hesitant to express it. Why is that? When someone asks me how I'm doing, I usually respond, "Oh, pretty well," with a slight shrug of my shoulders and a rolling of my eyes. The unspoken implication is, "You know, I'm doing O.K. under the circumstances. I can't be expected to be great, now can I? You know, because..."
I need to get over myself. I think the reason I do this is that I feel like if I express too much joy or admit that I'm really doing well, it will trivialize the loss of my marriage. And that, to me, feels a bit like a betrayal. I can't really get over Paul, can I? I shouldn't get over him, should I?
The Bible has a lot to say about joy. I'm realizing that I can be joyful, and admit it, and still mourn my losses. When I keep my joy to myself I rob God of the glory He deserves. He has been so gracious to me! He took me through a very difficult experience and almost 6 years later I am doing well. I'm fine. I'm good. I'm even sometimes great!
My perspective has been twisted. I somehow got the idea that joy cannot co-exist with sadness. But I was wrong. I lost a husband. There is certainly nothing unique about that. Job lost his entire family but he was still able to rejoice because he knew his Creator. I truly believe that God is sovereign and that He is good. I may never understand the reasons why my marriage broke up but I can accept that God allowed it and I can embrace the path He has placed me on. And I can rejoice in all the blessings that are mine as a child of God. That sounds so holy but it is true. I can also rejoice in less spiritual things. It is no sin for me to dance with joy with a grandchild or celebrate with the anticipation of another one. Grandchildren aren't technically a "spiritual" blessing - like salvation, forgiveness, prayer, etc. but they sure bring me a lot of joy! I think I've been willing to testify to God's "spiritual" blessings but I withhold expressing joy over more earthly pleasures because I got it into my head that I should continue to suffer. Bizarre!
I will never, ever, get over (at least not completely) the catastrophe that was my marriage. But... I have an 89 year father who is a man of integrity, I have four fabulous daughters, and I have nine (almost 10) grandchildren, I have girlfriends, I have a home, a job, fairly decent health, I have ideas, I have time... the list is endless.
I spent a lot of time praying today that God would hold back the fires and prevent them from consuming Hume Lake Christian Camp. I was so struck by comments that a friend, Scott Saunders, made. He said,
"From its inception up until yesterday, the official report is that the Rough Fire is at 0% containment. Presently it is at 3% containment.
That statement is false.
The truth is that this fire is 100% contained.
It is 100% contained in the palm of the Almighty Creator. The one true God. The Lord Jesus Christ. The Maker of fire, the forests, the lightening, and the sustainer of the very ministry of Hume Lake Christian Camps.
Yet we gauge it by how much mere man can contain or control it.
As I try to sleep tonight wondering what news of the fate of our homes and community will be tomorrow, God is reminding me that He is the one true Incident Commander and to have peace. That peace should not come from the outcome all of us are fervently praying for but because He is God, His Will will be done, and He has a plan."
Someone else, talking about the fire, said that all that was left to do was wait for the inevitable onslaught and be ready to defend the camp. These comments are so applicable to all of life. My life is totally under my good God's control. My life, my joy, my successes, are measured by His ruler, not man's. He has sustained me and will continue to do so. The onslaught will come. We all suffer trials. But that does not change who is in charge nor should it change how we live our lives. He is the same God whether I'm married or single, and my joy (and peace and trust) does not depend on my circumstances but depends solely on the God who holds all things in His hands.
"Lord, let me go through my days giving praise to You for all that You are and for all that You have done for me. Forgive me for being afraid to express joy for fear that someone will misunderstand and think that I am glad I am no longer married. My understanding of You is so limited. Bless me with Your wisdom and humility. Amen!"
