I've gotten into a bad habit lately. (Well, actually, I've developed quite a few bad habits over the last few years and those bad habits have led to the one that I am pondering today.) My very first thought, each morning, the second I awaken, is "How bad was I last night?" And then my mind replays the evening. How many hours did I waste watching mindless T.V.? Or how long did I do absolutely nothing on the computer? How bad did I overeat? Did I have wine with dinner? How many hours of much needed sleep did I miss out on because I refused to turn out the light and go to bed? Seriously, this scenario plays out every single morning. It's an assessment of my behavior, a scorecard in a way. I am not a morning person. If I could have a job where I didn't have to be at work until noon, I'd be a happy camper. So when morning is already a foreign time zone and I am already suffering from jet lag, to wake up to these sorts of thoughts just adds insult to injury.
Now, the truth is that I do usually do all those things. I especially overeat and stay up way too late. And I am paying for it physically. Every morning, when I tally up my failures, I end up feeling like I am such a disappointment to God. But this whole cycle frustrates me. I know that God doesn't want me to allow all His joy to be sucked out of me. I know He doesn't love me any less because I have gained weight. But I also know that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and I can't get me none of that!! I'm so tired of this constant self degradation. I could have been one of those super religious people long ago that went around beating on themselves.
So how do I find a balance? How do I live in the freedom of my position in Christ but also strive to be the woman He wants me to be? I know that I need to make changes in the way I live and truthfully, I want to make those changes. But I sense that God did not design me to live with this weight always on me. Maybe that is the bigger sin. If I am precious to God and if He loves me as I am, imperfect and struggling, then I think I need to have a different attitude about myself. It's as if I'm saying, "God, You didn't do a good enough job on me so I've got to help You. I've got to summon up my own strength to add to Yours. I've got to give You the boost You need so that together, we can make me good enough."
I force myself to write sometimes because as I get my thoughts written down I can hear how ridiculous I sound. It helps give me perspective. Obviously, God does not need my help with anything. And my salvation is assured, always and forever, whether I eat goldfish crackers and chocolate for dinner or not. Do I need to work on a few things? Of course. But do I need to obsess about them? No. I'm not sure what to do about all this and I have no answers but I'm hoping that by thinking and praying and searching the scriptures, I'll get a better handle on what God is asking of me.
Showing posts with label Balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Balance. Show all posts
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Midnight and still counting...
I have to work in the morning. What is the matter with my brain? It just won't shut off tonight. I'm not depressed, not upset, not worried. I'm just...awake! I decided that I may as well jot down a few thoughts that I want to remember later.
We are doing a study on Proverbs in my Tuesday night Women's Bible Study. Tonight's lesson was on money and wealth and contained valuable advice concerning too much money, just enough, and poverty. One thing Proverbs makes clear; wisdom is to be a much higher priority than money. And with wisdom comes understanding, peace, honor, and a spirit that pleases the Lord. One of the pitfalls of money is that we can begin to trust in it instead of in God. If a person is particularly wealthy, I can see how tempting it would be to think that you're insulated from life's troubles and to believe that your money will somehow exempt you from suffering.
I'm far from wealthy. But I realized, while doing this lesson, that lately my focus has been on money a bit too much. I've been weighing options, trying to figure out how to support myself for the rest of my life. I am blessed to own a home and though I have a mortgage, it is still mine and it will be an investment that I can sell one day and hopefully, generate income. My thoughts have been spinning as I have considered multiple scenarios for enabling me to eventually retire and still survive. I have an excellent realtor (Steve Holman) who has been advising me, a successful accountant friend (Ken Jones) who has graciously offered his expertise, an investment specialist (Jim Watts) who is helping me to plan, a great tax person (Kathy York) who is familiar with my situation and a father (Bob Hager) who is 100% supportive and is also a fabulous listener. What a team! And there are others that God has surrounded me with as well who are available for whatever I may need.
That's all good! But it can also be overwhelming and consuming. I know that God wants me to be prepared, to plan, and to be a good steward of what He has given me. But in my quest for the "retirement plan" , I have come dangerously close to placing my trust and finding my security in the "plan", in the money my house might generate, in worldly "wealth", instead of trusting in the God who has lent me all that I have. I am grateful that He pointed that out to me this week. There's still hope for me! :) And I haven't strayed too far - by that I mean that I haven't gotten all crazy about trying to push things to happen or trying to hurry up and finalize something, anything, just so that I can say, "all right, now I'm set. I can live securely the rest of my life." That will never happen, no matter what I do, so I'm glad I didn't get to that point. But I want to be cognizant of the fact that I need a delicate balance. I need to respond to God's leading as He gives me the wisdom to do so, and I need to realize that His leading may come through some of the experts that He has provided. I need to do my part by budgeting, working hard, and managing my money wisely. But I also need to wait. And trust. And know. I need to know that God will direct me when the time comes and He will let me know what I am to do. And I can let it go and rest in Him and I don't need to be anxious. What peace there is in that! He knows what I need now and what I will need later. I don't need to present Him with a spreadsheet of expenses! He's got me covered and if I focus too much on my financial situation, I insult Him with my lack of faith.
I'm kind of excited. Low and behold, I don't need to know it all. I don't need to plan it all. I don't need to control it all. I just need to be prepared to be obedient to the God who has His plan for my life perfectly mapped out. It's awesomely freeing!
We are doing a study on Proverbs in my Tuesday night Women's Bible Study. Tonight's lesson was on money and wealth and contained valuable advice concerning too much money, just enough, and poverty. One thing Proverbs makes clear; wisdom is to be a much higher priority than money. And with wisdom comes understanding, peace, honor, and a spirit that pleases the Lord. One of the pitfalls of money is that we can begin to trust in it instead of in God. If a person is particularly wealthy, I can see how tempting it would be to think that you're insulated from life's troubles and to believe that your money will somehow exempt you from suffering.
I'm far from wealthy. But I realized, while doing this lesson, that lately my focus has been on money a bit too much. I've been weighing options, trying to figure out how to support myself for the rest of my life. I am blessed to own a home and though I have a mortgage, it is still mine and it will be an investment that I can sell one day and hopefully, generate income. My thoughts have been spinning as I have considered multiple scenarios for enabling me to eventually retire and still survive. I have an excellent realtor (Steve Holman) who has been advising me, a successful accountant friend (Ken Jones) who has graciously offered his expertise, an investment specialist (Jim Watts) who is helping me to plan, a great tax person (Kathy York) who is familiar with my situation and a father (Bob Hager) who is 100% supportive and is also a fabulous listener. What a team! And there are others that God has surrounded me with as well who are available for whatever I may need.
That's all good! But it can also be overwhelming and consuming. I know that God wants me to be prepared, to plan, and to be a good steward of what He has given me. But in my quest for the "retirement plan" , I have come dangerously close to placing my trust and finding my security in the "plan", in the money my house might generate, in worldly "wealth", instead of trusting in the God who has lent me all that I have. I am grateful that He pointed that out to me this week. There's still hope for me! :) And I haven't strayed too far - by that I mean that I haven't gotten all crazy about trying to push things to happen or trying to hurry up and finalize something, anything, just so that I can say, "all right, now I'm set. I can live securely the rest of my life." That will never happen, no matter what I do, so I'm glad I didn't get to that point. But I want to be cognizant of the fact that I need a delicate balance. I need to respond to God's leading as He gives me the wisdom to do so, and I need to realize that His leading may come through some of the experts that He has provided. I need to do my part by budgeting, working hard, and managing my money wisely. But I also need to wait. And trust. And know. I need to know that God will direct me when the time comes and He will let me know what I am to do. And I can let it go and rest in Him and I don't need to be anxious. What peace there is in that! He knows what I need now and what I will need later. I don't need to present Him with a spreadsheet of expenses! He's got me covered and if I focus too much on my financial situation, I insult Him with my lack of faith.
I'm kind of excited. Low and behold, I don't need to know it all. I don't need to plan it all. I don't need to control it all. I just need to be prepared to be obedient to the God who has His plan for my life perfectly mapped out. It's awesomely freeing!
Proverbs 16:20
New International Version (NIV)
Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.
Proverbs 16:20
New International Version (NIV)
Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.
and blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.
Proverbs 30:7-9
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
7 Two things I asked of You,
Do not refuse me before I die:
8 Keep deception and lies far from me,
Give me neither poverty nor riches;
Feed me with the food that is my portion,
9 That I not be full and deny You and say, “Who is the Lord?”
Or that I not be in want and steal,
And profane the name of my God.
Do not refuse me before I die:
8 Keep deception and lies far from me,
Give me neither poverty nor riches;
Feed me with the food that is my portion,
9 That I not be full and deny You and say, “Who is the Lord?”
Or that I not be in want and steal,
And profane the name of my God.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Letting Go
Today, I put my precious youngest daughter Tammera and her two sweet kids on the plane back to Tucson. They had been visiting for three weeks and while that is a nice, long visit, I hadn't seen them since May of last year. And - who knows when she'll be able to come out again? I am continually amazed at how much we all love and care for her. God grafted her into our family years ago. I didn't really understand the process but now, I can't imagine my life without her. She truly has become one of my own. I don't mean to sound sappy but I don't take this relationship for granted. My other girls were stuck with me from the start. Tammera and I chose each other. Maybe it's much like the way God grafts us into His family. I love Tammera for who she is, not for anything she does. That's how God loves me too. But today, I had to let her go. As painful as that was, she has a life and a husband in Tucson and that's where her place is now. I feel pretty sad tonight but kids growing up, moving away, having their own families, all that is normal. I hate the letting go that is part of that process but I accept it. I'm already eagerly looking forward to the next time we are together and I can hug all of them (By then, she'll have three kids)!
I've been thinking a lot lately about another kind of letting go. I was talking to Melissa the other night and I heard myself say to her, "There isn't one hour of any day that I don't think about your father." That was bothering me and as soon as I heard myself say it I knew I had to do something about it. I pondered this as I went to bed that night. I realized that Paul did consume my thoughts and consequently, I was constantly hurting. I was imprisoned in a way, by a man who was no longer in my life. I wondered if I could ask God to free me from the steady onslaught of memories, regrets, feelings, and thoughts. I was afraid. What if God answered my prayer? What would I think about? What would I have? And was it even right to be weary of the turmoil that thoughts of him brought? I felt convicted that it had been long enough. I may always love Paul and I will never regret my life with him. But it is gone now, not by my choice, but still gone. I very tentatively began to pray and ask the Lord to sort out my thoughts. This is hard for me to describe but it just felt so strange to be asking God to help me stop thinking about my husband! I fell asleep a little uncertain, wondering if I were on the right track, not understanding completely but suspecting that I was headed in the right direction. A few nights later I was at the Biblical Counseling class that I am taking. Afterwards, I was talking to a dear friend and I shared a little of what I had been thinking about. She jumped on it in her passionate, enthusiastic way. She's been where I am so she can get away with that. She very definitely felt that I needed to stop the unending cycle and boldly told me that it was sin! She said that I was putting Paul in the place where God should be. "Like an idol?", I said. Exactly. The Lord should consume my thoughts, not a mere man.
I think that God gave us that conversation that night and that it was confirmation to what I had already began processing. I really appreciated her honesty, her courage, and her genuine concern for me. She prayed with me before we went our separate ways and I haven't stopped thinking about all of this since. I haven't arrived! But I'm on the bus. My desire is to glorify God through my life, whatever that life looks like. It seems that for now, that means letting go of the person that occupied the most major portion of my life. It is an extremely painful letting go, not at all like seeing Tammera off. But for the Lord, for myself, for my girls, it is a step I need to take. With God's strength, it will be done.
I've been thinking a lot lately about another kind of letting go. I was talking to Melissa the other night and I heard myself say to her, "There isn't one hour of any day that I don't think about your father." That was bothering me and as soon as I heard myself say it I knew I had to do something about it. I pondered this as I went to bed that night. I realized that Paul did consume my thoughts and consequently, I was constantly hurting. I was imprisoned in a way, by a man who was no longer in my life. I wondered if I could ask God to free me from the steady onslaught of memories, regrets, feelings, and thoughts. I was afraid. What if God answered my prayer? What would I think about? What would I have? And was it even right to be weary of the turmoil that thoughts of him brought? I felt convicted that it had been long enough. I may always love Paul and I will never regret my life with him. But it is gone now, not by my choice, but still gone. I very tentatively began to pray and ask the Lord to sort out my thoughts. This is hard for me to describe but it just felt so strange to be asking God to help me stop thinking about my husband! I fell asleep a little uncertain, wondering if I were on the right track, not understanding completely but suspecting that I was headed in the right direction. A few nights later I was at the Biblical Counseling class that I am taking. Afterwards, I was talking to a dear friend and I shared a little of what I had been thinking about. She jumped on it in her passionate, enthusiastic way. She's been where I am so she can get away with that. She very definitely felt that I needed to stop the unending cycle and boldly told me that it was sin! She said that I was putting Paul in the place where God should be. "Like an idol?", I said. Exactly. The Lord should consume my thoughts, not a mere man.
I think that God gave us that conversation that night and that it was confirmation to what I had already began processing. I really appreciated her honesty, her courage, and her genuine concern for me. She prayed with me before we went our separate ways and I haven't stopped thinking about all of this since. I haven't arrived! But I'm on the bus. My desire is to glorify God through my life, whatever that life looks like. It seems that for now, that means letting go of the person that occupied the most major portion of my life. It is an extremely painful letting go, not at all like seeing Tammera off. But for the Lord, for myself, for my girls, it is a step I need to take. With God's strength, it will be done.
Philippians 3:13-14
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
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