An Anniversary of Sorts

Exactly 6 years ago today, on another Sunday, my world as I knew it quietly imploded.

im·plode

  (ĭm-plōd′)

v. im·plod·ed, im·plod·ing, im·plodes

v.intr.

1. To collapse inward violently.

2. To undergo a catastrophic failure

I did not see it coming but it was certainly a "catastrophic failure". My marriage of 37 years would never be the same again. The landscape of my life and the way I pictured it was forever changed. Now, on the anniversary of the disaster, I find myself reflecting back on where I have been and where I find myself now.

I'm grateful that this many years have passed. I feel like I have finally reached a point of pretty steady contentment and I'm glad to no longer be in the early, painful, emotional days. Can I say positive things about my situation? Of course, although I would never say that the break-up of my marriage was positive in and of itself. My personal belief is that the death of any marriage is tragic, simply because it goes against God's design and intentions. That said, some relationships fail and cannot be resurrected. I hesitate to even admit this as a Christian, but some relationships should not be revived.

I still get anxious and stressed sometimes but usually, I am anxious about the stresses in other people's lives, particularly my children. Strangely, I haven't mastered leaving them in God's hands. I seem to be able to be patient and trusting as I work through my own trials but can't yet manage to apply that trust in God to their lives. I'm working on it but as a somewhat "controlling", "fix-it now" type mom, I'm a bit like a paint-by-number in progress.

So, what is it that I have observed over the last six years?

First of all, I discovered that I could survive - but only by God's strength and grace. I learned what God really meant when He said, "the two shall become one",  because I felt it keenly when that "one" was divided. When my mom died, I realized that all the rest of "life" didn't get put on hold just because I wasn't done grieving my marriage and that it was possible to taste "grief upon grief". I slowly became more flexible as I chose to rent out part of my house to different people so that I could stay on the property I loved and, more importantly, allow my dad to stay in his home on the same land. I practiced finding joy without being able to share it with a partner. And as I felt "singled out" or like an "oddball", God showed me that I was most definitely not alone and that my situation was certainly not unique. Oh, and how God showed me His faithfulness - even though my circumstances didn't change, or, they changed too dramatically to suit me.

There is much I miss about marriage and just because God has enabled me to be content in these circumstances doesn't mean that I am unaware of what I am missing. Is God sufficient? Absolutely! Do I rejoice in my singleness? Umm...Not exactly. Do I think God will use my experiences in the lives of others? I really don't know. But I do know that He is using them in my own life. I am constantly reassured that God is very present and has not, nor will He ever, abandon me. I imagine, though, that I am like the tortoise. I am a plodder. I keep soldiering on, step by step, day by day, but it is slow going. I sort of wish that I could be like some people who have the sudden revelation and immediately grasp what God has for them and then rejoice and celebrate in it. That isn't me; at least not at this stage of my life.

I'm not as hard on myself, though, as I used to be. I know I could do better and I know I still disappoint and neglect the Lord. I also recognize that I used to be motivated by lists and activities and actions that didn't always have my heart behind them. Because that was what motivated me, I had a sub-conscience tendency to feel that I was "earning" God's good pleasure. It has only been recently that I have really been able to embrace the idea that no matter what I do, God will NEVER love me less than He already does. Maybe that is what God is burning on my soul during these days.

"I love you Lord, I worship you,
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.
I give my life to honor this;
The love of Christ, the Saviour King!


Saviour King

The Good Girl

For as long as I can remember, I have worked hard to be "the good girl" - the good student, good daughter, good wife (look where that got me), the good mother, the good employee, good sister, good friend, the good Christian. I'm not saying it's wrong to try to be the best in all you do. I think God expects and deserves our best. But Satan inserts a little sinful twist. Very subtly, he encouraged me to think that my worth depended on what I did, not on who I was. I've spent years trying to achieve near perfection but always falling short, years of trying to make myself better but always being disappointed, years of wanting to feel good about myself but never being satisfied with my efforts. And through this process, I'd come to believe that I constantly disappointed God. I approached Him as if He were tired of hearing from me, tired of cleaning up my messes, tired of trying to teach me, tired of listening to me. It sounds terrible as I write this. Where is God's grace and forgiveness in all this? Where is my peace and contentment?

Satan is clever, though. It wasn't always all that obvious to me that my thinking was skewed. After all, Satan specializes in deception so he hid his strategy among righteous sounding goals and Christian "good girl" plans. As a result I find, in myself, an overwhelming desire to do the right thing. What could be wrong with that? It's my motives - I haven't been "good" because of my love for the Lord and because I desire to please Him. I've made it about me, not about God. It's as if I'm trying to save myself. (As a side note, I also tend to make it my business to try to save everyone else - fix them, tell them how they could be better, etc. Annoys the heck out of my girls.) I measure myself daily and tally up my failures. I'm still pondering all this but it occurs to me that I haven't truly embraced God's forgiveness and therefore I have allowed myself to miss out on some of the blessing that is already mine as a child of the King.

This skewed thinking has caused me to do some weird things. When I came home some years ago and found my husband being served dinner by his mistress, I didn't throw her out. It wouldn't have been "the Christian thing to do." My counselor asked me, "Debbie, where is your righteous indignation?" Indeed! So I did nothing. I've been unjustly accused of wrong-doing in a work situation, taken advantage of in my own home, I've put up and shut up. Yet, in other situations, I've barreled ahead, taken things into my own hands and tried to play God - and, needless to say, screwed things all up.

Now we are at the "concluding paragraph" and this is the time when you might expect to find the whisper of wisdom, the suggested solution, the tangible truth, the righteous revelation. (Had enough?) Unfortunately, I don't have that. I'm a work in progress. But, praise God, I'm thinking about this stuff and He is patiently walking me through it. For today, I'm focusing on several truths...

One, God is more than capable and more than willing to do ALL that He has promised me. (Romans 4:21)

Two, I can (and will) learn to be content in all things knowing that He has given me everything I need.
(II Peter 1:3, Phil. 4:11-13)

Three, I will pray for God to change my thinking so that the negativity that Satan wants me to dwell on has no place in my mind. (Phil. 4:8)

I am saved! I will spend eternity with Christ! God chose ME! How much more special can I get?

THANK YOU, JESUS!

Marriage & My Week

It's been a bit of an interesting week. Partly, I think I am feeling the effects of, once again, living on my own. I have renters in the house with me but we are simply roommates. This past year I was blessed to have had Donny and Melissa living with me as well as Jen and the kids here a lot while Zac worked in L.A. All that has changed and I no longer come home to grandchildren worshiping me or Melissa laughing with me. And that's O.K. I'm thrilled for the girls and am grateful that their lives are their own. Zac is back in town and Donny and Melissa have bought their own home and that is as it should be. I am just recognizing that it will be an adjustment for me.

In addition to those adjustments, I've dealt this week with tough class subjects. On Tuesday nights, I am in a Women's Bible Study group and we are currently studying Proverbs. The subject matter this week is marriage. Can I skip that part? Then I went to my Biblical Counseling class last night and the subject matter was...marriage. It was a double whammy. I had some trouble sitting through the class last night. As I listened to the instructor talk about family dynamics and the needs of a husband and wife, I couldn't help but feel a failure. I have struggled with this issue ever since Paul left. What was my part in the breakup of our marriage? My sins? My contribution? Then that rolls into thoughts like, "Did I drive him away?" "Was I that bad?"

Now, before you get your panties in a bunch and come after me, hear this...I know these are unhealthy thoughts. I know that no matter what the state of our marriage was (and by the way, I was under the impression that it was pretty good), no matter what I did or didn't do as a wife, Paul had choices to make and he made wrong ones. However, with that said, even though I know my thinking is skewed, it is a battle that is waged periodically and last night was one of those battles.

My friend, who was sitting next to me in class, described my experience this way:  She said, "Debbie, it's like a bomb just suddenly blew up in front of your face. You're standing there looking around. You're all right and your family is intact (minus one), but the dust hasn't settled and you're seeing devastation all around you and you don't know what happened." It is an apt description.

I drove home crying some and praying a lot. Mostly, I was telling God that I just didn't know what to do with the information, the emotions, and didn't know how to even pray about it. I knew that I needed to pour out my heart to Him and let Him take it from there. Thankfully, He understands. I simply need to get whatever words out and then wait. He will take it, interpret it, and get back to me. And has He?

Well, I can honestly say that I woke up this morning feeling peaceful and looking forward to the day (which includes a mammogram so you know He is working on my attitude). Have any of my circumstances changed? Absolutely nothing. But He is the ultimate Counselor and His counsel is perfect. I have no answers for myself or for anyone else. But once again, I am assured that He is in control, He has filtered and allowed my experiences, and all will be used for His glory. I need to continue to commune with Him and lift my eyes towards heaven. My identity is in the Lord, not in a husband. My value is in Christ, not in the things of this world. My home is in heaven, not on Peachy Canyon (although I'm closer to heaven here on my hilltop than most of you ☺). Praise God! I'm going to set those somewhat self-destructive thoughts aside for awhile and give God time to help me process and let Him tell me how and what to think. Meanwhile, I'm going to indulge in some highly advanced therapy - RUMMAGE SALE, HAIR COLORING, mammogram, TRADER JOE'S, & DINNER WITH A FRIEND!! Can you tell which one I'm not excited about?