I love living in the country but I am beginning to wonder about myself. Am I a closet red-neck? Or just weird?
Am I a closet red-neck if I go to my mailbox in my flannel p.j.'s?
Am I a closet red-neck if ....
I want to be able to burn my tree trimmings?
I walk out onto my patio in my underwear?
I have a fire pit in the front yard?
Am I a closet red-neck if....
I don't want anyone telling me what color I can paint my house?
I opt not to paint the house?
I pile trash next to the shop?
I have a shop?
I have a cat who pees in my almost ex-husband's sink?
I drink cheap white wine with chips for dinner?
Am I a closet red-neck if....
I've had a tarantula in my house?
I've had a stray dog fall in the pool in the middle of the night?
I have a dumpster?
I've had a gun? (No longer. It was just for snakes, anyway)
Am I a closet red-neck if....
my dad sits in his underwear and shoots squirrels
out his living room window?
I don't find it strange that my dad is shooting squirrels in this manner?
I haven't locked a door in 16 years?
I have used a push broom and a kitchen colander to clean the pool?
I have a minimum size requirement before a spider is worth getting up
to kill?
I keep "Skunk Out" in the garage?
Am I a closet red-neck if....
I had a clothesline and still miss it?
I wish I could harvest gophers?
I duct taped my headlight on and called it good?
I admired my duct tape job?
I know what J-B Weld is?
I repaired a leak in my water storage tank all by myself
with J-B Weld?
Or am I just weird?
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Mothering
I tend to mother...I mean, of course, I am a mother (noun). But I tend to mother (verb). My mothering has sometimes been mistakenly called "nagging" but that is because certain "motherees" do not fully understand my giftedness. Anyway, with that in mind, I thought I'd share with you a partial list of events that entitle me to mother a person.
If I've taken care of your animal or your child, that gives me the right to mother you.
If I've talked to you in the middle of the night or you've cried in my presence, that gives me the right to mother you.
If I've given or loaned you money, fed you, shortened pants for you, or let you borrow a book, that gives me the right to mother you.
If I've prayed for you, if I'm older than you, if you've ever asked my advice (for anything at anytime) or if you've ever spent the night at my house (while not actually living with me), that gives me the right to mother you.
And finally, if you've married one of my daughters, hurt yourself on my trampoline, or split your head open at my house, that gives me the right to mother you.
And lest you think I'm deluded, I'm fully aware that this is not necessarily a healthy approach. It just happens to be my approach. ☻
If I've taken care of your animal or your child, that gives me the right to mother you.
If I've talked to you in the middle of the night or you've cried in my presence, that gives me the right to mother you.
If I've given or loaned you money, fed you, shortened pants for you, or let you borrow a book, that gives me the right to mother you.
If I've prayed for you, if I'm older than you, if you've ever asked my advice (for anything at anytime) or if you've ever spent the night at my house (while not actually living with me), that gives me the right to mother you.
And finally, if you've married one of my daughters, hurt yourself on my trampoline, or split your head open at my house, that gives me the right to mother you.
And lest you think I'm deluded, I'm fully aware that this is not necessarily a healthy approach. It just happens to be my approach. ☻
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Anger - (Warning: Slightly inappropriate language)
I was watching a TV show the other night and it featured a married couple who appeared to be about my age. In this particular episode, the wife was celebrating opening her own store and was having a party for her family and friends. The husband took a moment and toasted his wife, praising her for her brains and her beauty and her stubbornness, etc.
Son of a bitch!!
What? Did I say that? I sort of whispered the words but inside I had screamed them! And then I immediately felt a great sadness. Where had that come from? Believe me, my language isn't always pure but I don't ever remember calling anyone that. The show I was watching was a happy one. Why this sudden reaction?
I began to think about what I was feeling. I realized that at the moment that I watched that husband toast his wife, I instantly became aware that there would be no man toasting me for anything any time. At my next birthday I'll be 60 - sort of a monumental birthday and not one I'm happy about. I don't want a big deal. That's not me. But I must admit that a loving husband singing my praises would not have been offensive. I was taken by surprise by the depth of my reaction and the anger that overtook me. Recently, after seeing a counselor for over a year, I was released and deemed healthy enough to cope on my own. Her parting instruction to me, however, was to deal with anger. She didn't mean she wanted me to stop getting angry. Nope. She wanted me to get mad. In fact, her exact words were, "Where is your righteous indignation?" Well, I might have found it for just a moment.
I had wondered if it might overtake me suddenly and unexpectedly. And so it did. It didn't last long but it did serve as a warning. There is stuff buried inside me and while I really am doing well, I still have garbage to deal with and I need to be careful how I deal with it.
In the Bible Study that I am a part of we are learning about how God heals our hurts. Over and over, it seems to come back to trust in the Lord and fill yourself with His Word.
I don't know where I read that but it so speaks to me and my situation. I long for God's perspective on my life and also for my kids' lives. We seem to have the pain part down pat but joy? I've got a lot to work on in that arena. But I can honestly say that I am getting closer. Don't get me wrong. I am sometimes lonely without a husband. I am angry that he was unfaithful. I am confused about how it happened and how I could not know the man I had been with for 37 years. It has taken me awhile but I am going to sleep with fewer and fewer tears and the worry level really isn't too high.
I have my moments. I can't lie. The other night, I made the mistake of pulling out my Social Security statements to see how much I'll get at each different age should I ever retire. Let me tell you - it was sobering. Of course, I had always thought that there would be two social security checks plus a husband's retirement plus eventually, a house with no mortgage. All that has changed. I did spend a day or so sort of worrying about it. But fairly quickly, I was able to give it to God. I want to want what He wants. And I want desperately to please Him and trust Him fully. He has saved me! If He can do that, why do I worry that He might not take care of my physical and financial needs? He created and formed me and chose me! I don't need anything else. My dad is a pretty wise old guy and he told me something not long ago that has stuck with me. He said,
"We have limited ability to change our circumstances but unlimited ability to change our attitudes."
So I'm a work in progress but I'm beginning to have moments where I can feel a little excitement about what God might do in my life. I'm focusing a bit more on what I've got than on what went missing. I'm old enough to remember the Mary Tyler Moore Show from the '70s. In the theme song the famous phrase was, "You're gonna make it after all." Yep, I'm gonna make it. But I do NOT want to limp into heaven still playing the part of a wounded victim. I want to race triumphantly into my Savior's arms having committed myself to obey Him above all else.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2, NIV).
Son of a bitch!!
What? Did I say that? I sort of whispered the words but inside I had screamed them! And then I immediately felt a great sadness. Where had that come from? Believe me, my language isn't always pure but I don't ever remember calling anyone that. The show I was watching was a happy one. Why this sudden reaction?
I began to think about what I was feeling. I realized that at the moment that I watched that husband toast his wife, I instantly became aware that there would be no man toasting me for anything any time. At my next birthday I'll be 60 - sort of a monumental birthday and not one I'm happy about. I don't want a big deal. That's not me. But I must admit that a loving husband singing my praises would not have been offensive. I was taken by surprise by the depth of my reaction and the anger that overtook me. Recently, after seeing a counselor for over a year, I was released and deemed healthy enough to cope on my own. Her parting instruction to me, however, was to deal with anger. She didn't mean she wanted me to stop getting angry. Nope. She wanted me to get mad. In fact, her exact words were, "Where is your righteous indignation?" Well, I might have found it for just a moment.
I had wondered if it might overtake me suddenly and unexpectedly. And so it did. It didn't last long but it did serve as a warning. There is stuff buried inside me and while I really am doing well, I still have garbage to deal with and I need to be careful how I deal with it.
In the Bible Study that I am a part of we are learning about how God heals our hurts. Over and over, it seems to come back to trust in the Lord and fill yourself with His Word.
"Joy is a deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control.
We cannot avoid pain but we can avoid joy because joy is the harvest of a life that consistently pursues God and insists on seeking His truth, longing to obey that truth. The pursuit of joy is a matter of choice and perspective."I don't know where I read that but it so speaks to me and my situation. I long for God's perspective on my life and also for my kids' lives. We seem to have the pain part down pat but joy? I've got a lot to work on in that arena. But I can honestly say that I am getting closer. Don't get me wrong. I am sometimes lonely without a husband. I am angry that he was unfaithful. I am confused about how it happened and how I could not know the man I had been with for 37 years. It has taken me awhile but I am going to sleep with fewer and fewer tears and the worry level really isn't too high.
I have my moments. I can't lie. The other night, I made the mistake of pulling out my Social Security statements to see how much I'll get at each different age should I ever retire. Let me tell you - it was sobering. Of course, I had always thought that there would be two social security checks plus a husband's retirement plus eventually, a house with no mortgage. All that has changed. I did spend a day or so sort of worrying about it. But fairly quickly, I was able to give it to God. I want to want what He wants. And I want desperately to please Him and trust Him fully. He has saved me! If He can do that, why do I worry that He might not take care of my physical and financial needs? He created and formed me and chose me! I don't need anything else. My dad is a pretty wise old guy and he told me something not long ago that has stuck with me. He said,
"We have limited ability to change our circumstances but unlimited ability to change our attitudes."
So I'm a work in progress but I'm beginning to have moments where I can feel a little excitement about what God might do in my life. I'm focusing a bit more on what I've got than on what went missing. I'm old enough to remember the Mary Tyler Moore Show from the '70s. In the theme song the famous phrase was, "You're gonna make it after all." Yep, I'm gonna make it. But I do NOT want to limp into heaven still playing the part of a wounded victim. I want to race triumphantly into my Savior's arms having committed myself to obey Him above all else.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2, NIV).
"'For your Maker is your husband—the LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One ofIsrael is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,' says your God" (Isaiah 54:5-6).
Monday, November 7, 2011
Kahlua Recipe - By Request
Every year, when I tell people that I make Kahlua, I get asked for the recipe. I decided to post it here so anybody who wants it can find it. I sure don't mind sharing it. If you're asking for the recipe then you know you're not on my gift list! :) Anyway, this is a super easy gift to make and tastes delicious. This recipe calls for brandy but I've seen some that are made with vodka. I've never tried the vodka ones but I'm sticking with what works!
Kahlua
4 cups sugar
2 oz. instant coffee (1 cup)
2 cups boiling water
2 cups cheap brandy
1 vanilla bean
Mix sugar and coffee together. Add boiling water and stir until well dissolved. Cool. Add brandy. Mix gently. Take vanilla bean and split down the middle without cutting all the way through the bean. Open up the bean a bit so that the inside is exposed. Add to coffee mixture. Put in some sort of bottle and sit in cool, dark place for 45 days. Remove vanilla bean and drink!
Tips
Vanilla beans are quite expensive locally. Since I tend to make large batches of Kahlua for gifting, I order beans online. (beanilla.com, for example)
To make it easier to retrieve the vanilla bean when the Kahlua is done I tie a piece of dental floss around the end of the bean and suspend the bean in the Kahlua. That way, when the 45 days is up, I just grab the floss and haul out the bean.
I have saved the glass containers that the brandy comes in. It makes a great bottle for the Kahlua to age in.
Each batch of this recipe makes enough Kahlua to fit nicely in a 1.75ml bottle.
Once the Kahlua is done you need to decant it into something smaller for gift-giving. There are a couple kinds of beer that come in either brown or green bottles and have a rubber stopper with a metal clamp that secures the stopper. These bottles look great and are perfect for the Kahlua. Just ask someone to volunteer to drink the beer for you and you've got your gift bottles.
Hope you enjoy!
Kahlua
4 cups sugar
2 oz. instant coffee (1 cup)
2 cups boiling water
2 cups cheap brandy
1 vanilla bean
Mix sugar and coffee together. Add boiling water and stir until well dissolved. Cool. Add brandy. Mix gently. Take vanilla bean and split down the middle without cutting all the way through the bean. Open up the bean a bit so that the inside is exposed. Add to coffee mixture. Put in some sort of bottle and sit in cool, dark place for 45 days. Remove vanilla bean and drink!
Tips
Vanilla beans are quite expensive locally. Since I tend to make large batches of Kahlua for gifting, I order beans online. (beanilla.com, for example)
To make it easier to retrieve the vanilla bean when the Kahlua is done I tie a piece of dental floss around the end of the bean and suspend the bean in the Kahlua. That way, when the 45 days is up, I just grab the floss and haul out the bean.
I have saved the glass containers that the brandy comes in. It makes a great bottle for the Kahlua to age in.
Each batch of this recipe makes enough Kahlua to fit nicely in a 1.75ml bottle.
Once the Kahlua is done you need to decant it into something smaller for gift-giving. There are a couple kinds of beer that come in either brown or green bottles and have a rubber stopper with a metal clamp that secures the stopper. These bottles look great and are perfect for the Kahlua. Just ask someone to volunteer to drink the beer for you and you've got your gift bottles.
Hope you enjoy!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Conversation with God
Lord, I am so tired.
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; Lam. 3:21, 22
Lord, my children are angry. Lord, I am angry.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8
In your anger do not sin. Eph. 4:26
How long, oh Lord, until we get a break?
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him. Lam. 3:25
I am hurting, Lord. And worse, my children are hurting!
I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. Psalm 31:7
I feel so alone, Lord.
In Thee, O Lord, do I seek refuge. Psalm 31:1
I don't understand why all this has happened.
Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure. Ecclesiastes 7:3 & 4
I don't know what to do - for myself, for my dad, for my kids.
I will give thanks... Psalm 139:14, I Chronicles 16:34, Psalms 7:17, 28:7, 100:4, 105:1, I Thess. 5:18
Lord, I need sleep so badly. Restful, peaceful, sleep.
Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. Psalm 31:9
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8
I keep praying, Lord. Do You hear me?
In my distress I screamed to the Lord for His help. And He heard me from heaven; my cry reached His ears. Psalm 18:6
Lord, I'm tired of crying every night!
I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears. Psalm 6:6
He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that has gone forever. Rev. 21:4
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; Lam. 3:21, 22
Lord, my children are angry. Lord, I am angry.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8
In your anger do not sin. Eph. 4:26
How long, oh Lord, until we get a break?
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him. Lam. 3:25
I am hurting, Lord. And worse, my children are hurting!
I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. Psalm 31:7
I feel so alone, Lord.
In Thee, O Lord, do I seek refuge. Psalm 31:1
I don't understand why all this has happened.
Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure. Ecclesiastes 7:3 & 4
I don't know what to do - for myself, for my dad, for my kids.
I will give thanks... Psalm 139:14, I Chronicles 16:34, Psalms 7:17, 28:7, 100:4, 105:1, I Thess. 5:18
Lord, I need sleep so badly. Restful, peaceful, sleep.
Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. Psalm 31:9
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8
I keep praying, Lord. Do You hear me?
In my distress I screamed to the Lord for His help. And He heard me from heaven; my cry reached His ears. Psalm 18:6
Lord, I'm tired of crying every night!
I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears. Psalm 6:6
He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that has gone forever. Rev. 21:4
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Christmas, a dog, and vodka
Last Christmas was sort of tragically pathetic, but since I have a rather sick sense of humor, I can chuckle about it today. I was remembering last Christmas because I have begun to think about the holidays. It's almost November and once again, the season has crept up on me and I will soon be feeling uninspired, overwhelmed, and frantic. I hate that. I wish I was the type of person who planned and prepared all year long. Who am I kidding? That is never going to happen. There might still be time, though, for me to put a little forethought into the holiday season. We'll see. Anyway, back to last Christmas...
It was my first Christmas without a husband (no, I'm not a widow, although violence has occasionally crossed my mind). My youngest and her family were in Arizona and could not come home for the holidays. The other three were going to have their own family stuff at their houses first and then everyone was going to come up to my house for Christmas dinner and gifts for the little ones. It was a different plan than we had done in the past but I think we were all feeling like we just couldn't do things the same as we had always done. It wasn't the same, never would be the same again, and we just couldn't face the hole that betrayal had left.
The kids did come over on Christmas Eve for our traditional soup supper and stocking fest. My dog, Dakota, seemed a bit off and I decided to keep her locked up in my bedroom for the evening. The little ones made her nervous even when she was feeling well. Dakota had been Jenny's dog until she left home and now was really my husband's but of course, when he bailed, he left her behind. For a while, she had looked for him every morning (they used to walk down to the mailbox together) and every evening for a little roughhousing. She had made the transition, finally, and now had settled for me. She'd always been a little crazy and high strung and even though she was 12 or 13 years old, she could still tear up our long driveway in front of my car. When I went to my room later that Christmas Eve, I realized that she wasn't in any shape to run. She was very sick and was throwing up constantly. I moved her to the hall bathroom where it would be easier to clean up and she continued to get sick. She seemed excessively thirsty but would almost immediately throw up any water she drank. This went on all night long. I felt horrible for her but didn't know what to do. Neither one of us slept and by morning we were both exhausted. I sensed that things were getting critical but it was Christmas Day and I was just trying to survive. My dad and brother were supposed to come for breakfast and then the kids and grandkids were coming later in the day.
My dad woke up that morning and wasn't feeling well so he called to say he would skip breakfast. My brother never showed up. It was just me and Dakota and we were in sad shape. I love having animals but I am filled with such heaviness when it becomes apparent that they are at the end of their lives. I had to face the fact that Dakota was dying. She was so sick. I tried to start on Christmas dinner and I checked on her every few minutes. She continued to worsen. Finally, I could stand it no longer. I left everything as it was in the kitchen, put her in my car, and drove to the 24 hour emergency vet clinic in Atascadero. I called the kids on the way down and they all insisted that they wanted to come with me but some things I just have to do alone. This was one of them. The people at the clinic were so kind and I sat on the floor with Dakota until she was gone. I was relieved that she was no longer suffering but it seemed such a depressing end to a very difficult year. I got so angry about the fact that I was dealing with this by myself instead of sharing it with Paul. But those thoughts weren't doing me any good. I was glad for the long drive home so that I could cry for Dakota, for myself, for my kids, for my marriage. It gave me time to pull myself together and suck it up. It was Christmas Day! Really, who puts their dog down on Christmas Day! It just didn't seem fair.
When I arrived home Donny and Melissa were already there and were working on the dinner and setting the table. Everyone else arrived shortly thereafter (Zac with a beautiful turkey) and all pitched in to get the meal on the table. My kids and their husbands were awesome and in spite of the dog glitch we still ate relatively on time. Later, I was sitting on the couch enjoying a White Trash Margarita (*recipe to follow) and reflecting on the day. I realized that I was so tired from being up all night and had been so consumed by dealing with the dog that I hadn't had the time or energy to cry about the devastation that was my life. Dakota was an old dog, She had been hit by cars three times and had survived a rattlesnake bite. She was a tough old girl but wasn't going to live much longer. God, in His graciousness, chose that particular Christmas. Should I have been rejoicing in the celebration of Christ's birth? Of course! But He knew that I was so wounded and raw from all that had happened and He also knew my heart and mind would be on all that was wrong that year. I'm so grateful for His mercy to me that day and I'm grateful that He doesn't expect perfection from me. He used Dakota's death to ease me through a day that otherwise would have been much more painful. I'm looking forward to this Christmas. It has to be better than last year! But I remember last year with thankfulness for a little black dog that stood by me until the end and for the God who knew just what I needed.
*White Trash Margarita
Mix equal parts of Limeade frozen concentrate (do not dilute) and Vodka in a blender. Add plenty of ice and blend until slushy. Enjoy! (Can also be made with frozen Pink Lemonade.)
It was my first Christmas without a husband (no, I'm not a widow, although violence has occasionally crossed my mind). My youngest and her family were in Arizona and could not come home for the holidays. The other three were going to have their own family stuff at their houses first and then everyone was going to come up to my house for Christmas dinner and gifts for the little ones. It was a different plan than we had done in the past but I think we were all feeling like we just couldn't do things the same as we had always done. It wasn't the same, never would be the same again, and we just couldn't face the hole that betrayal had left.
The kids did come over on Christmas Eve for our traditional soup supper and stocking fest. My dog, Dakota, seemed a bit off and I decided to keep her locked up in my bedroom for the evening. The little ones made her nervous even when she was feeling well. Dakota had been Jenny's dog until she left home and now was really my husband's but of course, when he bailed, he left her behind. For a while, she had looked for him every morning (they used to walk down to the mailbox together) and every evening for a little roughhousing. She had made the transition, finally, and now had settled for me. She'd always been a little crazy and high strung and even though she was 12 or 13 years old, she could still tear up our long driveway in front of my car. When I went to my room later that Christmas Eve, I realized that she wasn't in any shape to run. She was very sick and was throwing up constantly. I moved her to the hall bathroom where it would be easier to clean up and she continued to get sick. She seemed excessively thirsty but would almost immediately throw up any water she drank. This went on all night long. I felt horrible for her but didn't know what to do. Neither one of us slept and by morning we were both exhausted. I sensed that things were getting critical but it was Christmas Day and I was just trying to survive. My dad and brother were supposed to come for breakfast and then the kids and grandkids were coming later in the day.
My dad woke up that morning and wasn't feeling well so he called to say he would skip breakfast. My brother never showed up. It was just me and Dakota and we were in sad shape. I love having animals but I am filled with such heaviness when it becomes apparent that they are at the end of their lives. I had to face the fact that Dakota was dying. She was so sick. I tried to start on Christmas dinner and I checked on her every few minutes. She continued to worsen. Finally, I could stand it no longer. I left everything as it was in the kitchen, put her in my car, and drove to the 24 hour emergency vet clinic in Atascadero. I called the kids on the way down and they all insisted that they wanted to come with me but some things I just have to do alone. This was one of them. The people at the clinic were so kind and I sat on the floor with Dakota until she was gone. I was relieved that she was no longer suffering but it seemed such a depressing end to a very difficult year. I got so angry about the fact that I was dealing with this by myself instead of sharing it with Paul. But those thoughts weren't doing me any good. I was glad for the long drive home so that I could cry for Dakota, for myself, for my kids, for my marriage. It gave me time to pull myself together and suck it up. It was Christmas Day! Really, who puts their dog down on Christmas Day! It just didn't seem fair.
When I arrived home Donny and Melissa were already there and were working on the dinner and setting the table. Everyone else arrived shortly thereafter (Zac with a beautiful turkey) and all pitched in to get the meal on the table. My kids and their husbands were awesome and in spite of the dog glitch we still ate relatively on time. Later, I was sitting on the couch enjoying a White Trash Margarita (*recipe to follow) and reflecting on the day. I realized that I was so tired from being up all night and had been so consumed by dealing with the dog that I hadn't had the time or energy to cry about the devastation that was my life. Dakota was an old dog, She had been hit by cars three times and had survived a rattlesnake bite. She was a tough old girl but wasn't going to live much longer. God, in His graciousness, chose that particular Christmas. Should I have been rejoicing in the celebration of Christ's birth? Of course! But He knew that I was so wounded and raw from all that had happened and He also knew my heart and mind would be on all that was wrong that year. I'm so grateful for His mercy to me that day and I'm grateful that He doesn't expect perfection from me. He used Dakota's death to ease me through a day that otherwise would have been much more painful. I'm looking forward to this Christmas. It has to be better than last year! But I remember last year with thankfulness for a little black dog that stood by me until the end and for the God who knew just what I needed.
*White Trash Margarita
Mix equal parts of Limeade frozen concentrate (do not dilute) and Vodka in a blender. Add plenty of ice and blend until slushy. Enjoy! (Can also be made with frozen Pink Lemonade.)
Friday, October 21, 2011
Struggle
I feel so dried up lately - tired, discouraged, stagnant. One of the struggles revolves around church. I've gone to the same church for 16 years - ever since we moved to Paso. It has been my home and it's all I know here. But I can't go there anymore, at least not for now. When I'm there on a Sunday morning all I can see is the ghost of my almost ex-husband. I've tried and tried, prayed, pushed myself, but I just cannot get past it. My girls are struggling with similar issues so we've all been looking around for a new church home. It is a painful process but we are all feeling desperate, in a way, for something; desperate for the family-feel that church provides, the accountability, the sense of belonging. But I'm almost 60 and starting over is not as easy as it once was. Our family has suffered quite a number of different losses over the last few years and at times we wonder whether it will ever end. That got me to thinking about what we expect in this life and what the Bible says about our suffering.
Romans 5:3 tells me that suffering produces perseverance and from perseverance comes character and from character comes hope. And hope does not disappoint us. Not only that, it says we are to rejoice in our suffering. Uh, let me confess right now. There's no rejoicing going on here.
Romans 8:18 says that our present sufferings are not worth anything compared to the glory that is waiting for us.
So what's wrong with me? Why aren't I rejoicing? Why aren't I hopeful? I was reading a devotional by Max Lucado the other day. He was talking about how this world is not our destination. We're passing through, on our journey, but heaven is our final destination and that is what we need to be looking towards. He said,
"Do you feel as if your best years have passed you by? Hogwash. You will do your best work in heaven. Do you regret wasting seasons of life on foolish pursuits? So do I. But we can stop our laments. We have an eternity to make up for lost time. Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days? Then see yourself as an uncut jewel and God as a lapidary. He is polishing you for your place in his kingdom. Your biggest moments lie ahead, on the other side of the grave.
Romans 5:3 tells me that suffering produces perseverance and from perseverance comes character and from character comes hope. And hope does not disappoint us. Not only that, it says we are to rejoice in our suffering. Uh, let me confess right now. There's no rejoicing going on here.
Romans 8:18 says that our present sufferings are not worth anything compared to the glory that is waiting for us.
So what's wrong with me? Why aren't I rejoicing? Why aren't I hopeful? I was reading a devotional by Max Lucado the other day. He was talking about how this world is not our destination. We're passing through, on our journey, but heaven is our final destination and that is what we need to be looking towards. He said,
"Do you feel as if your best years have passed you by? Hogwash. You will do your best work in heaven. Do you regret wasting seasons of life on foolish pursuits? So do I. But we can stop our laments. We have an eternity to make up for lost time. Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days? Then see yourself as an uncut jewel and God as a lapidary. He is polishing you for your place in his kingdom. Your biggest moments lie ahead, on the other side of the grave.
So “seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God” (Col. 3:1 NKJV)."
I think I forget this a lot. I'm not looking up towards heaven. I've got my head down just watching myself put one foot in front of the other as I plod along. I'm tired of crying about my life. Don't get me wrong. I've got some legitimate pain and so do my girls. But how do we grasp the victorious living that is ours in Christ?
"seek those things which are above..."
I almost missed it. Colossians 3:2 repeats the thought - "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Is that the answer? I've been reading in Jeremiah. He was a prophet to Israel and for over 23 years he preached the same message: "Turn from sin. Obey God. Worship God." His message never changed and it was a pretty simple one and it is basically the same message that Colossians presents. I don't want to over simplify things but maybe I think too much. I want to glorify God. I want to please Him. I want to serve Him. I really do. But I struggle so much with the burdens of this world. I'm just looking down too much. Max Lucado said, "Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days?" Yes! I am!
O.K. I can be puzzled. I don't have to have all the answers because God's got it covered. I'm His jewel that He is preparing. He is going to bedazzle heaven with me! That is an awesome thought. I need to hang onto it and look up. I've struggled all week to get these thoughts written because I thought it might help me sort things out. Somehow, I have to take what I know in my head to be true and get it to my heart so I can live it out. I'm finding it easier said than done. I was listening to praise music tonight and the words of a song really hit home...
What could I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You.
I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe of the One who gave it all.
I'll stand, my soul, Lord to You surrendered,
All I am is Yours.
“’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’”.
(Isaiah 55:8-9)
O.K. I can be puzzled. I don't have to have all the answers because God's got it covered. I'm His jewel that He is preparing. He is going to bedazzle heaven with me! That is an awesome thought. I need to hang onto it and look up. I've struggled all week to get these thoughts written because I thought it might help me sort things out. Somehow, I have to take what I know in my head to be true and get it to my heart so I can live it out. I'm finding it easier said than done. I was listening to praise music tonight and the words of a song really hit home...
What could I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You.
I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe of the One who gave it all.
I'll stand, my soul, Lord to You surrendered,
All I am is Yours.
“’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’”.
(Isaiah 55:8-9)
I pray that God gives me the courage and strength to offer myself completely to Him and to seek the things that are above. I'm sick and tired of my view of the ground.
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