The Chicken Skeleton

I've been home most of this weekend because I am dog-sitting Jen and Zac's two dogs. Denver, the older one, has stayed with me often. He is a sweet, big boy, and no trouble at all. But for the first time, I also have their new puppy, Digory. He's still quite young and since I don't have a fenced yard, I decided I'd better stick around to make sure he didn't start roaming the countryside of Peachy Canyon.

Yesterday, after changing my sheets, taking Digory for a walk, and doing a few other household chores, it occurred to me that it would be a good day to make some homemade chicken soup that my dad and I could eat later in the week. I knew I had a chicken carcass in my freezer and I had been needing to use it up for some time now. And so it was that I eventually found myself standing at my kitchen sink and picking through the chicken broth, fishing out all the gross skin, fat, and bones of this chicken. It reminded me of something that had occurred years ago.

When my oldest daughter, Sarah, was in Junior High School, she was taking an A.P. Biology class. She came home one day with an interesting assignment. Her job was to get a chicken carcass and somehow reassemble the skeleton. Needless to say, Sarah did not approach this project with enthusiasm! I did my part by buying a whole chicken, boiling it, and then taking all the meat off the bones so that I could make soup with it. As I pulled everything apart I put the bones on paper plates with general labels - "breast", "legs", "wings", etc. I was trying to help her at least have some idea of where stuff went. This was long before we had the internet to Google directions. We let the chicken bones dry out for a few days before beginning the "Humpty Dumpty" marathon.

Sarah was extremely grossed out by the whole idea. After much complaining, she donned my heavy, rubber cleaning gloves. No way was she going to touch a part of a chicken! I had set her up outside on the patio where she labored for the next few hours. You know, a chicken has a million tiny bones! She actually did a pretty good job of it. I remember watching out the windows and laughing so much because she was so obviously disgusted. Her chicken was glued back together and ended up looking like it was kneeling in prayer. She told me that if she wanted extra credit, we could go to the butcher and buy head, neck, and feet pieces. We passed. Later, she was outraged because, after turning in the heinous project, she learned that everyone got the same grade, so long as they did produced a skeleton, no matter how lousy their chicken looked. Neither one of us are sure what she was supposed to learn from all this but I doubt we will ever forget that chicken!

Back to my kitchen sink yesterday. I tend to analyze things, or over-analyze according to my kids, so I was thinking about the pile of tiny bones I had set aside. I could have never put them back together in any semblance of order - no more than I could put my marriage back together, no more than I could undo the mistakes I made as a parent, and so forth. Only God, our Creator, can put the broken and mixed up pieces of our lives back into a functional whole. We think sometimes that there is only one way to do this, just like a chicken leg has one specific place to be on a chicken. However, since God designed us and planned our lives, He has the ability to "reassemble" us in any fashion He desires. I am now single. I didn't think that was what God had intended for me but obviously, it is, for this season of my life. Graciously, He has allowed me to function and even flourish, though my skeleton doesn't look the same as it once did. As always, it comes back to trusting God and His sovereignty. I am merely the bones. He is the soup maker and His soup is always going to taste better than anything I could make on my own!

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Waiting

I've been wrestling with God a bit and finally decided that it might benefit me to get my thoughts down on paper. I find that often this helps me clarify issues and, sometimes, actually allows me to hear what God has been trying to say to me. So...

I've been thinking about waiting. I remember being pregnant and the long wait for the much anticipated birth. That's a good kind of waiting. I was excited. I was anxious to meet my baby. But in the meantime, I had things to do and preparations to make. Those preparations added to the whole atmosphere of wonder and awe and gratefulness for how God was blessing me.

But what about when we are waiting for things that aren't so good? I have been so conscious lately of the difficulties in many lives. What about waiting for a job? You apply everywhere you can think of and still nothing comes through and the bills continue to pile up. Or maybe you already have a job but it's so miserable that you hate waking up to face it five days a week. And yet, God doesn't seem to give you a way out, at least not yet. Many, many years ago, Paul's mother was very ill with cancer. We had prayed for miracles, for physical healing, but God said, "No." His miracle was to take her home. Waiting for that miracle was agony. She got worse, she didn't know us, she suffered. We took to borrowing an empty hospital room so that we had a place to pray and we begged God to end it! We had accepted that she was not going to be healed in this earthly lifetime so we became anxious for her to wake up on heaven's side. We waited.

How do we understand God's timing? Can we understand God's timing? We can rejoice while we are waiting on God for things that we count as blessings but can we rejoice as we trudge inevitably towards tragedy? I have friends whose tiny daughter will have surgery this week. Each day brings them one day closer to the day they will turn her over to doctors who will cut into her little body. They rejoice in the fact that the outcome will, Lord willing, solve this little one's physical issues but they still have to watch her suffer, be fearful, and then go through the operation and recovery. Other times, we aren't assured of such a positive result. I remember a family member laboring to deliver a child that she already knew was no longer with her but was already held by God. She still had to suffer through labor with absolutely no promise or hope of a reward at the end. Life can be so incredibly painful!

How must Jesus have felt as each day brought him a step closer to the cross? I don't tend to think about that because I have this idea that His suffering was tempered by His all-knowing ability. After all, He was God, He knew what He would go through, but He also knew the end result and He understood why He was going to suffer. But even God in the flesh was subject to the terrible suffering that sin had caused. Just because He was Christ didn't mean that He was exempt. In fact, His suffering was unimaginable, at least to me. And yet, He willingly walked towards it and, for my sake, embraced it.

I often question the "why" of things. What is the purpose of a miscarriage? Couldn't a person just skip that? Is it really necessary for a couple to go through the sting of infertility? What about my failed marriage? I feel like I'm waiting, day after day, for...something. I have no idea for what. How is God using this in my life or in the lives of those around me? And couldn't He have accomplished His will some other way? Why are some marriages still intact but so empty and lonely? Must our little ones be bullied, teased, or left out? And why do some struggle with disabilities?

I am not sure that I will ever understand the point of the personal pains that have affected those I love. However, I do not doubt that God is in control. As a Christian, I know that I am commanded to submit to God. Part of submission is releasing to Him the "why" of things. It is a helpless feeling, waiting as calamity approaches and knowing that you cannot step out of its path. Such is the nature of our human existence, calm days and then tornadoes. Yet the Bible tells me that He knew me, formed me, chose me, and designed me for a purpose. Me! God has things for me to do that are only for me, a purpose beyond myself but a purpose uniquely mine. The same is true for each one of us. Do I trust the Lord? Can I trust Him with my pain? Or harder still, can I trust Him with my children and their suffering? The question isn't, "Can I?" The question is, "Will I?" And while I wait, will I glorify Him? I hope and pray so. Nothing else makes sense.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to Him,
    and He will direct your paths.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Psalm 139                 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/? search=psalms%20139&version=NIV

While I Am Waiting - John Waller      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHztEiKko0E

My grandchild and Lord of the Rings

I have a grandchild out there somewhere. He or she may have already been born but maybe not. They might just still be a thought. But still, they're out there and we are all waiting for God to reveal to us who it is! I'm talking, of course, about the child that Donny and Melissa will adopt one day. It has been a long journey for them and there is still a ways to go but they continue to move forward. They are unable to have children and it is a heartbreak for them. However, God has been preparing their hearts for years and steering them towards adoption. They used to think they would try to do a private adoption. Who knows? That may yet be in their future. But for now, they are leaning towards adopting through the foster care system. They went through Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University" some time ago and they are very dedicated to staying out of debt. Private adoption can be very expensive. But even more than the finances, God has been calling them to "care for orphans" and they are realizing that may mean a less than ideal situation. The child may be a little older, may have issues or challenges, may be a little more difficult. (Of course, biological children can be a pain as well, if you get my drift.☺) They love children and long to have a child of their own and if this is how God is going to provide that child then they are up for it!

As their parent, I admire them and I am so proud of them. I also ache for them. Why must something so natural, so basic, be so hard for some? As a mom, I want to protect my children, even when they're grown. I don't want them to struggle or suffer. But that isn't how the world operates, is it? Pain is everywhere.

I'm a little behind the times because I have just watched the first of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. I know, it's been out forever. I don't know where I was. Anyway, I liked it quite a lot and am happily waiting for the 2nd one to arrive from Netflix. While I was watching the movie, I thought of Donny and Melissa. Frodo says to Gandalf, "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." And haven't I said the same sort of thing? "I wish my marriage hadn't fallen apart." "I wish my mom hadn't died." "I wish Donny and Melissa weren't unable to have children."

Gandalf replies to Frodo, "So do all who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you." Frodo finds himself on a seemingly impossible quest to return the ring to its birthplace, thereby saving the world from evil. There have been times when I think Donny and Melissa have felt that this "quest" for children is so daunting and overwhelming that it borders on the impossible. But they see God working and moving and that continues to encourage them. Of course, they wish they could have had a birth child. But that wasn't for them to decide. Of course, I wish my marriage had survived. Again, it wasn't for me to decide. God chooses, He filters, He allows. We just have to decide what we will do with the circumstances that come our way.

 “I am God and there is no other…My counsel shall stand and I will accomplish all My purpose” (Isaiah 46:10).

 “God does according to His will in the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth and none can stay His hand or say to Him, ‘What doest Thou?’” (Daniel 4:35).

 “But He is unchangeable and who can turn Him? What He desires, that He does. For He will complete what He appoints for me” (Job 23:13, 14). 


For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.  Psalm 84:11

Easter

Today will be my third Easter without Paul. In some ways, it seems like he's been gone forever. But other times, it's as if he were next to me just yesterday. That first Easter without him was the first time I went back to church. He had left on January 31st and I hadn't been to church since that day. I figured Easter was a good day to give it a try. I knew there would be so many people at church that I would be less noticed. I remember nothing else about that day except that I made it. Made it to church, made it through the day. And that was enough - for that day. I struggled for the whole next year with getting myself to church. So many memories were there and it was painful to be there. My attendance was irregular but I kept at it. Easter, 2011 approached and I read that our church would be having the Stations of the Cross for Good Friday. I decided to go, all by myself, and I was so blessed by the experience. I was needy and God met me there. I didn't have to wonder or struggle or question. I sat in the dark, read the folder that gave guidance on what to reflect on and how to pray, and slowly moved through Christ's suffering, death, and resurrection as well as pondered my own suffering.

For just about the whole next year I continued to struggle with the church thing. I visited other churches and finally settled on a tiny congregation of people that loved the Lord and were so welcoming to me. I knew I needed to be in church - wanted to be in church - but oh, it was difficult. Paul and I had been so involved and one of my greatest joys had been ministering along side of him. Now, everything was different. But that little congregation gave me breathing room and a little more time to heal and I am so grateful to them. I recently decided to come back to my old church. I had mixed feelings. The little church I had been attending had been like a balm to me, soothing and refreshing. But it didn't feel like home. Paul and I had been attending the same church since moving to Paso nearly 17 years ago. Somewhat reluctantly, I left the small group that had been a refuge for me and returned to my home church. That was about two months ago. While getting myself to church is still a struggle, I am no longer haunted by visions of Paul and for that, I am grateful.

And so it was with a lot of anticipation that I approached this Easter. I was looking forward to going to Stations of the Cross again. I went early in the day and there weren't very many people and that suited me just fine. Again I was blessed by the time I spent with the Lord as I contemplated Christ's sacrifice for me. I've been crying about my own losses long enough! Christ gave up His very throne in heaven, for a time, for me! I need to live for Him, not for myself. For the first time in a long time, I feel myself looking ahead. As I prayed on Good Friday, I asked the Lord to help me look up towards Him instead of inward, towards myself. I also asked Him to use me, somehow.

Melissa asked me yesterday that if I had known my marriage would end up like it has, would I have still gotten married. She wanted to know if I had regrets. It was a tough question and one I hadn't really thought about. I finally told her that I had no regrets and despite what has happened I have lots of good memories and of course, awesome daughters. I was reminded of something I had read in the book, One Thousand Gifts. The author, Ann Voskamp, was relating a conversation with her brother-in-law who had buried two children in less than two years. She said to him, "If it were up to me, I'd write this story differently!"

Her brother-in-law responded that maybe he didn't have to understand all that God allows. He tells her that maybe, just maybe, you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds. God knows how it all works out even though we don't. And all the loss we experience in this life draws us closer to the God who loves us endlessly.

So that is where I want to be this Easter. I want to let God write my story and I want to trust Him fully with the plot of my life. I want to be filled with the joy of His salvation and rejoice in the fact that He chose me! In the end, I will spend eternity with the God who gave Himself fully for me. This in-between stuff? It's just the movie trailer.

What is wrong with me?

Not exactly sure what's wrong with me. My funk that I thought was caused by my water tank problems has lasted far too long. Maybe it is because there are still days when I either fall asleep thinking of Paul or I wake up thinking of him. The other night I even dreamed about him for a minute. I dreamed I was sitting next to him and all of a sudden I turned towards him and said, "Why did you throw me under the bus?" Is that weird or what? But it tells you what is really on my mind. I am struggling again to try to understand the unexplainable. It is an exercise in futility to be sure but one I keep returning to. It's the only exercise I indulge in these days.

I'm tempted to ask the Lord to remove thoughts of Paul from my mind but I am hesitant to do that. What if God answered my prayer and did just that? Not only would it erase Paul from my mind but it would basically eliminate my whole life. I can't remember a time without Paul. So if I can't think about Paul I also can't think about all the good times throughout the years. Somehow I need to learn to be able to remember the past, the good and the bad, and accept it as it is. I'm a great one for telling my girls to accept something, pick themselves up and get over it but I'm not following my own advice.

The Eagles, my all-time favorite band, said it well in their song, Get Over It:

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it

Is that what I'm doing? Wallowing in the pain? Complaining and blaming it on the past? You know, it's possible. I do well at presenting the image of a fairly healthy, functioning adult woman. But when alone it's a different story. I waste time, I wallow, I wonder, I worry. (I always wanted to do that alliteration stuff - you know, like the preachers do in their sermon bullet points. Ah, but I digress. ) Anyway, no matter how much I talk to myself, talk to others, talk to God, the fact remains that life requires work; hard work. And I am not unique.

I heard this week of an acquaintance who just lost her 21 year old son to drugs. How do you deal with that sort of stuff? I know God is in control and offers peace and I've written about that. Writing about it helps me to remember and hopefully helps it get through my thick skull. But I still have to live through it. And so I just keep telling myself,  "Hang on!" All of life is a process and sorrow and loss are part of that process. But hopefully, that process is leading me closer to my Creator. If it isn't, it's my bad not God's. He waits for me, so patiently. I think I'm struggling to grab hold of God but in reality, He's already holding me. I've just got to realize that and trust Him. He is my anchor and, unlike my water tank patches, the anchor holds!

Hebrews 6:18-20

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁸ So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. ¹⁹ This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. ²⁰ Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek.

Who's the Boss?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what my life looks like and what God wants for me and from me. It's a natural human tendency to fight against pain. We don't want pain, we don't like it, we shy away from it. Who in their right mind would embrace pain? Even when I was having my girls I was not into pain. Like many of my generation, I gave birth three times without so much as an aspirin. By the time I was pregnant with Melissa I was ready to meet the local drug dealer around the corner from our house. Oh sure, the end result was great but the process? Unfortunately, so often in life, the good comes after a long bout with the bad. I think it's O.K. not to want to experience the suffering that life brings but if I cross over the line and begin to question the wisdom of God, His timing, His will for my life, or His right to order my life, then I have elevated myself above Him and I am in trouble! Look around. I certainly do not have the exclusive rights to difficulties. We are surrounded by illness, death, alienation between family members, loss, financial problems, abandonment, disappointment and disillusionment. As long as we live in this corrupt world we will suffer.

The last couple of years have been especially tough for me and I not only grieve my own losses, but I ache for my girls, my dad, my brother, my friends. There are times when I think I just cannot hear of one more problem, not one more sad thing. (Consequently, today it is past noon and I am still in my P.J.s and I plan to remain that way.) I haven't been questioning God exactly, but I have been battling the fog and darkness that suffering seems to bring - wanting things to change, to be different, to be what I want or to be like they used to be. God didn't create us for suffering and death and we will always strive against it. Until He restores our world to the way He originally intended it to be, we will experience conflict. Somehow, I have to accept that. But I also must submit to Him and trust that He has filtered everything through His loving hands.

When my girls suffer, I suffer. I long to fix everything in their lives and make it all smooth and wonderful. I often forget that God knows how I feel. I forget that He is my Father in every sense of the word. He watches His children (me!) rebel against Him, make poor choices, suffer from the sins of others, fight with each other, hold grudges, lose loved ones or lose hope. It breaks His heart. He truly does understand my pain. I guess the difference, to me, is that He could do something about that pain if He chose to and sometimes He does. Me? I am essentially helpless to effect real change. I can't raise the dead, heal the sick, or soften a heart. Only He can. And sometimes He doesn't. How do I reconcile that knowledge? How do I accept His sovereignty? Or maybe a more accurate question would be to what degree do I accept His sovereignty? Webster defines sovereignty as "supreme power, freedom from external control". He is the top dog, the big kahuna, the chief, the CEO, the head honcho, the KING! He is the Boss. Yes, I suffer. Yes, I wonder. But isn't it freeing to be able to accept that I don't have to know it all? Isn't it life altering to realize that I cannot fix everything, protect everyone, or spare myself?

He is worth it all!!  When I get to the end of my life, all the suffering of my years will fade completely away and I will finally rest completely in Him. I know that peace is available to me even now. It's just harder for me to access because of my own shortcomings. Sometimes things can't be repaired and that is going to hurt. But not forever. Praise God!


"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17). 

Egrets Among the Cows

I was driving over to the coast several months ago and came upon an interesting sight – egrets. One of my favorite birds, egrets blanketed the shore where we used to live. But since I moved inland my sightings have been rare. I love these tall, beautiful, regal birds.

But they seemed out of place that day. Yes, I was almost to the coast. But these egrets were in a pasture that had partially flooded due to a winter storm. There they stood, calmly watching for prey, in a field among the cattle. On a farm, they were unperturbed by the neighboring cows. In fact, they seemed oblivious to their presence.

I came home and decided to do a little research on egrets. I discovered that these birds are quite versatile. There is actually a smaller egret that is named the cattle egret because it feeds where cattle are – catching whatever it can as the cattle disturb the area. I realized that I had a pre-conceived notion of where an egret belonged. I had grown up by the beach so I was used to seeing them there. In my ignorance, I assumed that was the only place where they belonged. After reading more about these birds, I learned that they nest and feed near bodies of water but not necessarily the ocean. I had assumed that egrets belonged at the beach because that had been my experience. In my ignorance, I limited them.

I wonder how many times I do that with God. I know (or think I know) where I feel I belong and of course, I am comfortable in those arenas. But I am probably limiting myself and God because I am not considering that I may very well belong somewhere that seems out of place to me.

As a young woman my desire was to be a good wife and mother. Now, as I near 60, I am still a mother although my girls are all grown and married, and I am no longer a wife. So where do I belong? Mothering adults is a difficult task and I usually drive my kids (or their husbands) crazy. But I still have a desire to be a godly example to my kids and I'm praying that God gives me the wisdom and ability to accomplish that. And the wife part? What a constant struggle that has become. Considering that it was my primary desire for so many years - not to be any old wife - but a bomb of a wife - what am I left with? Some guilt to be sure. Was it all my fault? Partly my fault? Just a little bit my fault? It's complicated, no doubt. Sin has tainted and poisoned a large part of my life. At times I've despaired and felt like there was no place left for me. But God has other ideas. I don't know what He has for me to do but I know He won't be leaving me just sitting around useless forever. I'm in a waiting period and I'm not particularly happy about it but I know that God's timing is perfect. He'll guide me, as He always has, when His time comes. Will I be comfortable? I hope so. I hope I will recognize that as long as I'm doing whatever it is that God wants me to do then I'm exactly where I belong.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Retreat

My mom died on May 23rd after almost three years in a nursing home and several years of illness prior to that. I rejoice that she is now in heaven and free from pain and sorrow but it was a long haul for me and I was pretty depleted spiritually and emotionally. I had a few days off after her memorial service in June so I decided to go on a little mini-retreat, hoping and longing for some serious refreshment from God.

I spent 3 nights in Cambria. The first two nights I was by myself and then on the 3rd night, a very good friend from Santa Barbara joined me. I spent time walking on the beach, got a fabulous massage, went to a restaurant all by myself for dinner, read an entire book, prayed a lot, and listened to a sermon on C.D. I tried to pick out markers - summary points that I really felt God was asking me to focus on. Here's what I came up with...

1. I need to focus on God and God alone. I've been far too focused on Paul. (from the song "Be Thou My Vision".)

"Thou and Thou only, first in my heart. High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art!"  

I was listening to that song, (the version done by Selah) as I drove over to the coast and it hit me. I pulled off the road and stopped to pray for a few minutes and even set up a little reminder for myself by stacking small stones on top of a large boulder.

2. ALL my sin is nailed to the cross. It is not my burden to bear. This is what can bring me peace and contentment. (Also from a song - "It Is Well With My Soul") About the time I was listening to this song and pondering the freedom that Christ gives me, I passed these horses. I just had to stop and take a picture because, at that moment, I felt God was giving me a visual of freedom in Him.

3. "The silence of Jesus is not the silence of indifference. It's the silence of higher thoughts."

This was a point from the sermon I listened to. I've thought about it a lot. I think each member of my family has felt that God has been silent. It is reassuring to me to believe and know that He is not indifferent to me. He's working, He's in control, He will take each one of us through whatever.

4. "Faith is the trust that Jesus can help me and the determination to keep coming to Him until He does." (also from the sermon)

5. "God never sends me out alone. I journey in the company of the Holy Spirit. So make friends with whatever's next. Embrace it. Accept it. Don't resist it." (I think this was from the book I read)

In addition to doing a lot of praying, I spent time trying to apply those 5 points to my life. I am still working on that. I also read the book "Fearless" by Max Lucado. It was excellent and very applicable. I think I am going to read it again soon. I made a short list of my top fears. Not sure what to do with that list yet but it seemed beneficial to actually write them down. I wrote down 6 fears although it's not an exhaustive list. They are:

Fear of failure

Fear of conflict

Fear of humiliating myself

Fear of loneliness

Fear of loved ones not being saved

Fear of anger (both my own and others)

And finally, I've thought a lot about the fact that I live with a lot of regrets (which produces guilt) and I tend to focus on the regrets. I want to start practicing living a life of joy in the moment and concentrating on what is truly important and then not looking back so much. For example, my adopted daughter and her family were here for 6 weeks. They left and immediately I was filled with regret for what I didn't do. I didn't take my little granddaughter anywhere fun. I didn't spend enough quality time with them. I didn't cook them nice meals. And on and on. The fact of the matter is that my mom was sick, then died, and I took care of all that, while they were here. I did the best I could. And if it wasn't what I would have wanted then I need to think about that and make sure that next time I do it better. (Maybe I'm over-analyzing all this but I'm just trying to change my perspective.) The book asked, "Are you spending life on the edge of the pool? Consulting caution and ignoring faith? For fear of the worst, some never enjoy life at its best."

Lastly, I made a very short list of 4 things that I would like to see changed in my life. They are:

Capture the joy of my salvation

Get back into a ministry outside of my immediate family

Go to sleep without crying about Paul

Lose 20 pounds

We'll see how I do with these goals. It's going to take some time. I figure 3 out of the 4 are attainable. Guess which one I'm not confident of.

A New Perspective

Last night, I watched the movie "Soul Surfer". In case you aren't familiar with the story, it is based on the true experiences of a young teenage girl in Hawaii. She is an awesome surfer but one morning, her arm is bitten off by a shark. The girl is a Christian but is, of course, struggling to understand why God allowed her to lose her arm. She thinks she has lost everything. A youth leader encourages her to step back and try to get a new perspective. She ends up going on a short-term mission trip to Thailand shortly after the tsunami. She realizes that though she will never be the same and she will always be missing an arm, God is still in control and He will bring good out her tragedy.

I've been thinking a lot about those same types of things lately. No, I haven't lost an arm but I have lost a husband (not my choice) and that was and is a huge piece of me. I haven't been single since I was 20 years old and that is a very long time ago. My entire adult life, all my adult experiences, all my memories (few though they may be due to my terrible forgetfulness), all my history is wrapped up together with a man who has now torn himself away. A large gaping wound is left - much like where the surfer girl's arm used to be. Why? What good is God going to bring out of this? I've come to understand that I am always going to feel the pain of my loss. It is legitimate, it is life-changing, it is agonizing. However, I can still choose to trust God in the midst of this and I can choose joy. For today, I'm doing pretty well. I'm working on being grateful for all that I do have and God is showing me in lots of small ways how specifically He is caring for me. Joy is a deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control. I praise God for that! I, obviously, have no control over anything! Believe me, when your husband takes off you realize that your carefully ordered life is an illusion. I can let this tragedy have one of two effects in my life. Either I will have my faith strengthened, and I will turn to God for comfort, or I can choose to become angry at God and turn away from Him. But if I turn from God, what do I have left? Then, I would truly have nothing!

I read a quote that said, "Hardships in life either will make you better or bitter. You decide which one it will be, because character is not made in crisis; it is revealed. It is when a crisis hits that we see what a man or woman is really made of. " I never wanted to be bitter but there have certainly been times when I did not want to be better either!! But I've had to try to get to the place where my future, my emotions, my loneliness and pain, my confusion, my shock, everything is in God's hands. I need to just be willing to rest in Him. What does that mean to me?

"It means that we come to realize God’s plan for us is better than our plan for ourselves. And when He leads us to a different place, it is for our ultimate good. Maybe it is not for our temporary good. Maybe it doesn’t make complete sense. But He has a plan. And we are to follow Him and comply."

That is my new perspective.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2, NIV).