Retreat

My mom died on May 23rd after almost three years in a nursing home and several years of illness prior to that. I rejoice that she is now in heaven and free from pain and sorrow but it was a long haul for me and I was pretty depleted spiritually and emotionally. I had a few days off after her memorial service in June so I decided to go on a little mini-retreat, hoping and longing for some serious refreshment from God.

I spent 3 nights in Cambria. The first two nights I was by myself and then on the 3rd night, a very good friend from Santa Barbara joined me. I spent time walking on the beach, got a fabulous massage, went to a restaurant all by myself for dinner, read an entire book, prayed a lot, and listened to a sermon on C.D. I tried to pick out markers - summary points that I really felt God was asking me to focus on. Here's what I came up with...

1. I need to focus on God and God alone. I've been far too focused on Paul. (from the song "Be Thou My Vision".)

"Thou and Thou only, first in my heart. High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art!"  

I was listening to that song, (the version done by Selah) as I drove over to the coast and it hit me. I pulled off the road and stopped to pray for a few minutes and even set up a little reminder for myself by stacking small stones on top of a large boulder.

2. ALL my sin is nailed to the cross. It is not my burden to bear. This is what can bring me peace and contentment. (Also from a song - "It Is Well With My Soul") About the time I was listening to this song and pondering the freedom that Christ gives me, I passed these horses. I just had to stop and take a picture because, at that moment, I felt God was giving me a visual of freedom in Him.

3. "The silence of Jesus is not the silence of indifference. It's the silence of higher thoughts."

This was a point from the sermon I listened to. I've thought about it a lot. I think each member of my family has felt that God has been silent. It is reassuring to me to believe and know that He is not indifferent to me. He's working, He's in control, He will take each one of us through whatever.

4. "Faith is the trust that Jesus can help me and the determination to keep coming to Him until He does." (also from the sermon)

5. "God never sends me out alone. I journey in the company of the Holy Spirit. So make friends with whatever's next. Embrace it. Accept it. Don't resist it." (I think this was from the book I read)

In addition to doing a lot of praying, I spent time trying to apply those 5 points to my life. I am still working on that. I also read the book "Fearless" by Max Lucado. It was excellent and very applicable. I think I am going to read it again soon. I made a short list of my top fears. Not sure what to do with that list yet but it seemed beneficial to actually write them down. I wrote down 6 fears although it's not an exhaustive list. They are:

Fear of failure

Fear of conflict

Fear of humiliating myself

Fear of loneliness

Fear of loved ones not being saved

Fear of anger (both my own and others)

And finally, I've thought a lot about the fact that I live with a lot of regrets (which produces guilt) and I tend to focus on the regrets. I want to start practicing living a life of joy in the moment and concentrating on what is truly important and then not looking back so much. For example, my adopted daughter and her family were here for 6 weeks. They left and immediately I was filled with regret for what I didn't do. I didn't take my little granddaughter anywhere fun. I didn't spend enough quality time with them. I didn't cook them nice meals. And on and on. The fact of the matter is that my mom was sick, then died, and I took care of all that, while they were here. I did the best I could. And if it wasn't what I would have wanted then I need to think about that and make sure that next time I do it better. (Maybe I'm over-analyzing all this but I'm just trying to change my perspective.) The book asked, "Are you spending life on the edge of the pool? Consulting caution and ignoring faith? For fear of the worst, some never enjoy life at its best."

Lastly, I made a very short list of 4 things that I would like to see changed in my life. They are:

Capture the joy of my salvation

Get back into a ministry outside of my immediate family

Go to sleep without crying about Paul

Lose 20 pounds

We'll see how I do with these goals. It's going to take some time. I figure 3 out of the 4 are attainable. Guess which one I'm not confident of.