What is wrong with me?

Not exactly sure what's wrong with me. My funk that I thought was caused by my water tank problems has lasted far too long. Maybe it is because there are still days when I either fall asleep thinking of Paul or I wake up thinking of him. The other night I even dreamed about him for a minute. I dreamed I was sitting next to him and all of a sudden I turned towards him and said, "Why did you throw me under the bus?" Is that weird or what? But it tells you what is really on my mind. I am struggling again to try to understand the unexplainable. It is an exercise in futility to be sure but one I keep returning to. It's the only exercise I indulge in these days.

I'm tempted to ask the Lord to remove thoughts of Paul from my mind but I am hesitant to do that. What if God answered my prayer and did just that? Not only would it erase Paul from my mind but it would basically eliminate my whole life. I can't remember a time without Paul. So if I can't think about Paul I also can't think about all the good times throughout the years. Somehow I need to learn to be able to remember the past, the good and the bad, and accept it as it is. I'm a great one for telling my girls to accept something, pick themselves up and get over it but I'm not following my own advice.

The Eagles, my all-time favorite band, said it well in their song, Get Over It:

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it

Is that what I'm doing? Wallowing in the pain? Complaining and blaming it on the past? You know, it's possible. I do well at presenting the image of a fairly healthy, functioning adult woman. But when alone it's a different story. I waste time, I wallow, I wonder, I worry. (I always wanted to do that alliteration stuff - you know, like the preachers do in their sermon bullet points. Ah, but I digress. ) Anyway, no matter how much I talk to myself, talk to others, talk to God, the fact remains that life requires work; hard work. And I am not unique.

I heard this week of an acquaintance who just lost her 21 year old son to drugs. How do you deal with that sort of stuff? I know God is in control and offers peace and I've written about that. Writing about it helps me to remember and hopefully helps it get through my thick skull. But I still have to live through it. And so I just keep telling myself,  "Hang on!" All of life is a process and sorrow and loss are part of that process. But hopefully, that process is leading me closer to my Creator. If it isn't, it's my bad not God's. He waits for me, so patiently. I think I'm struggling to grab hold of God but in reality, He's already holding me. I've just got to realize that and trust Him. He is my anchor and, unlike my water tank patches, the anchor holds!

Hebrews 6:18-20

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁸ So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. ¹⁹ This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. ²⁰ Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek.