Who's the Boss?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what my life looks like and what God wants for me and from me. It's a natural human tendency to fight against pain. We don't want pain, we don't like it, we shy away from it. Who in their right mind would embrace pain? Even when I was having my girls I was not into pain. Like many of my generation, I gave birth three times without so much as an aspirin. By the time I was pregnant with Melissa I was ready to meet the local drug dealer around the corner from our house. Oh sure, the end result was great but the process? Unfortunately, so often in life, the good comes after a long bout with the bad. I think it's O.K. not to want to experience the suffering that life brings but if I cross over the line and begin to question the wisdom of God, His timing, His will for my life, or His right to order my life, then I have elevated myself above Him and I am in trouble! Look around. I certainly do not have the exclusive rights to difficulties. We are surrounded by illness, death, alienation between family members, loss, financial problems, abandonment, disappointment and disillusionment. As long as we live in this corrupt world we will suffer.

The last couple of years have been especially tough for me and I not only grieve my own losses, but I ache for my girls, my dad, my brother, my friends. There are times when I think I just cannot hear of one more problem, not one more sad thing. (Consequently, today it is past noon and I am still in my P.J.s and I plan to remain that way.) I haven't been questioning God exactly, but I have been battling the fog and darkness that suffering seems to bring - wanting things to change, to be different, to be what I want or to be like they used to be. God didn't create us for suffering and death and we will always strive against it. Until He restores our world to the way He originally intended it to be, we will experience conflict. Somehow, I have to accept that. But I also must submit to Him and trust that He has filtered everything through His loving hands.

When my girls suffer, I suffer. I long to fix everything in their lives and make it all smooth and wonderful. I often forget that God knows how I feel. I forget that He is my Father in every sense of the word. He watches His children (me!) rebel against Him, make poor choices, suffer from the sins of others, fight with each other, hold grudges, lose loved ones or lose hope. It breaks His heart. He truly does understand my pain. I guess the difference, to me, is that He could do something about that pain if He chose to and sometimes He does. Me? I am essentially helpless to effect real change. I can't raise the dead, heal the sick, or soften a heart. Only He can. And sometimes He doesn't. How do I reconcile that knowledge? How do I accept His sovereignty? Or maybe a more accurate question would be to what degree do I accept His sovereignty? Webster defines sovereignty as "supreme power, freedom from external control". He is the top dog, the big kahuna, the chief, the CEO, the head honcho, the KING! He is the Boss. Yes, I suffer. Yes, I wonder. But isn't it freeing to be able to accept that I don't have to know it all? Isn't it life altering to realize that I cannot fix everything, protect everyone, or spare myself?

He is worth it all!!  When I get to the end of my life, all the suffering of my years will fade completely away and I will finally rest completely in Him. I know that peace is available to me even now. It's just harder for me to access because of my own shortcomings. Sometimes things can't be repaired and that is going to hurt. But not forever. Praise God!


"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17).