Some of the ways God speaks to us are through our circumstances, the world around us, scripture, the Holy Spirit, and through Jesus Christ. Well, I've still got all those things. So why do I feel like He is quiet? I do not feel abandoned by Him - not in the least. And I really am not questioning Him about why He allowed certain things in my life - most notably the betrayal and abandonment by my husband. But it's been two years now and I guess I didn't expect to still be struggling. Or at least not struggling as much as I am. My difficulties fall in a couple of general areas...
1. How do I feel about Paul? No matter what he has done or isn't doing, we were together for over 35 years. I have no memory apart from him. My girls and I can't look at old pictures, can't reminisce about good times past, can't laugh about funny family history. He is everywhere and it has colored our saga, skewed things a bit. I'm sure it won't always be this way but it also will never be what it used to be. Things are further complicated by the fact that I cannot hate him, cannot dismiss him, cannot forget him, cannot understand him. If I could sustain anger for any length of time I could keep some pain at bay. But I cannot remain angry and honestly, I don't want to. I want a peaceful acceptance of what God has allowed. And I am getting there although sometimes, it is slow going.
2. What do I do now? Perhaps this is where I feel God's apparent silence. I feel so adrift. Do I spend the rest of my life alone? I don't relish the thought and there are even moments when I think I would like another relationship. But most of the time I think another man would be way too much work and I'm too old and tired. I am so blessed by my kids and their families, my dad, and my friends. They are usually enough. I mean really, I was never good at dating when I was young and I'm not going to be any better at it now that I am almost 60! One reason for getting married is so you don't have to date anymore! I told my girls that I'd have to hit a man with my car before I'd know that God wanted me to consider another relationship. In this category of struggle, it isn't only the loss of my husband. There has been a ripple effect, as I suppose there always is. Church has been a huge part of my life for many years. Paul and I were in ministry together and I loved it. I kept going to church for a long time after he left but every Sunday I saw his ghost up on stage. I finally couldn't stand it any longer. My attendance got more and more sporadic. But that didn't feel right either. I knew I was missing out and I knew it wasn't God's intent for my life. I started visiting other churches. What a dreadful process! I'm sorry, I know I should probably say, "We're all the family of God and our unity in Christ should cross physical boundaries, blah, blah, blah." In my head, I know it's true. But in my heart, I want to be "home" again. Right now, I think this is where I feel God's silence the most.
Even when the Israelites wandered in the wilderness, God spoke to them through Moses - over and over again. I suspect that He continues to speak to me too. I am just getting hard of hearing and I have a couple of ideas why that might be. First of all, I drown God out. Am I ever silent before Him? Doubtful. The noise of my life swirls around me, effectively blocking the sound of God's voice. I also am very haphazard about my time spent studying God's Word. I mean, there it is, in it's entirety, right in front of me. It is available to me 24/7 but I usually have other things to do. His spoken Word, His inspired, God-breathed Word, is written down for me. How can I have the nerve to say that God is silent? I listen to God like I sometimes listen to Melissa - you know, I tune her out and say "hmm" every so often. I write this blog partly because it causes me to face things that I need to change in my life. I sort out stuff, write it down, and hope that something sticks.
Sometimes, though, God waits in seeming silence. And I wait - for direction, for peace, for comfort - all things that I know God will bring to me. How awesome it is to KNOW! And how awesome it is to long to hear His voice! No matter how miserable I've been, I have always known that God is in the pit with me. And maybe sometimes His silence causes me to appreciate Him all the more. It sort of coerces me into eliminating all the clutter in my life so that I can just lean towards Him.
In her book entitled When God is Silent, Barbara Brown Taylor writes these words,
"God's silence is as much a sign of God's presence as of God's absence. That divine silence is not a vacuum to be filled, but a mystery to be entered into. Unarmed with words and undistracted by noise, a holy of holies, in which we too may be struck dumb by the power of the unsayable God."
Praise God for His presence!
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
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