Who's the Boss?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what my life looks like and what God wants for me and from me. It's a natural human tendency to fight against pain. We don't want pain, we don't like it, we shy away from it. Who in their right mind would embrace pain? Even when I was having my girls I was not into pain. Like many of my generation, I gave birth three times without so much as an aspirin. By the time I was pregnant with Melissa I was ready to meet the local drug dealer around the corner from our house. Oh sure, the end result was great but the process? Unfortunately, so often in life, the good comes after a long bout with the bad. I think it's O.K. not to want to experience the suffering that life brings but if I cross over the line and begin to question the wisdom of God, His timing, His will for my life, or His right to order my life, then I have elevated myself above Him and I am in trouble! Look around. I certainly do not have the exclusive rights to difficulties. We are surrounded by illness, death, alienation between family members, loss, financial problems, abandonment, disappointment and disillusionment. As long as we live in this corrupt world we will suffer.

The last couple of years have been especially tough for me and I not only grieve my own losses, but I ache for my girls, my dad, my brother, my friends. There are times when I think I just cannot hear of one more problem, not one more sad thing. (Consequently, today it is past noon and I am still in my P.J.s and I plan to remain that way.) I haven't been questioning God exactly, but I have been battling the fog and darkness that suffering seems to bring - wanting things to change, to be different, to be what I want or to be like they used to be. God didn't create us for suffering and death and we will always strive against it. Until He restores our world to the way He originally intended it to be, we will experience conflict. Somehow, I have to accept that. But I also must submit to Him and trust that He has filtered everything through His loving hands.

When my girls suffer, I suffer. I long to fix everything in their lives and make it all smooth and wonderful. I often forget that God knows how I feel. I forget that He is my Father in every sense of the word. He watches His children (me!) rebel against Him, make poor choices, suffer from the sins of others, fight with each other, hold grudges, lose loved ones or lose hope. It breaks His heart. He truly does understand my pain. I guess the difference, to me, is that He could do something about that pain if He chose to and sometimes He does. Me? I am essentially helpless to effect real change. I can't raise the dead, heal the sick, or soften a heart. Only He can. And sometimes He doesn't. How do I reconcile that knowledge? How do I accept His sovereignty? Or maybe a more accurate question would be to what degree do I accept His sovereignty? Webster defines sovereignty as "supreme power, freedom from external control". He is the top dog, the big kahuna, the chief, the CEO, the head honcho, the KING! He is the Boss. Yes, I suffer. Yes, I wonder. But isn't it freeing to be able to accept that I don't have to know it all? Isn't it life altering to realize that I cannot fix everything, protect everyone, or spare myself?

He is worth it all!!  When I get to the end of my life, all the suffering of my years will fade completely away and I will finally rest completely in Him. I know that peace is available to me even now. It's just harder for me to access because of my own shortcomings. Sometimes things can't be repaired and that is going to hurt. But not forever. Praise God!


"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17). 

Struggle

I feel so dried up lately - tired, discouraged, stagnant. One of the struggles revolves around church. I've gone to the same church for 16 years - ever since we moved to Paso. It has been my home and it's all I know here. But I can't go there anymore, at least not for now. When I'm there on a Sunday morning all I can see is the ghost of my almost ex-husband. I've tried and tried, prayed, pushed myself, but I just cannot get past it. My girls are struggling with similar issues so we've all been looking around for a new church home. It is a painful process but we are all feeling desperate, in a way, for something; desperate for the family-feel that church provides, the accountability, the sense of belonging. But I'm almost 60 and starting over is not as easy as it once was. Our family has suffered quite a number of different losses over the last few years and at times we wonder whether it will ever end. That got me to thinking about what we expect in this life and what the Bible says about our suffering.

Romans 5:3 tells me that suffering produces perseverance and from perseverance comes character and from character comes hope. And hope does not disappoint us. Not only that, it says we are to rejoice in our suffering. Uh, let me confess right now. There's no rejoicing going on here.

Romans 8:18 says that our present sufferings are not worth anything compared to the glory that is waiting for us.

So what's wrong with me? Why aren't I rejoicing? Why aren't I hopeful? I was reading a devotional by Max Lucado the other day. He was talking about how this world is not our destination. We're passing through, on our journey, but heaven is our final destination and that is what we need to be looking towards. He said,

"Do you feel as if your best years have passed you by? Hogwash. You will do your best work in heaven. Do you regret wasting seasons of life on foolish pursuits? So do I. But we can stop our laments. We have an eternity to make up for lost time. Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days? Then see yourself as an uncut jewel and God as a lapidary. He is polishing you for your place in his kingdom. Your biggest moments lie ahead, on the other side of the grave.

So “seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God” (Col. 3:1 NKJV)."

I think I forget this a lot. I'm not looking up towards heaven. I've got my head down just watching myself put one foot in front of the other as I plod along. I'm tired of crying about my life. Don't get me wrong. I've got some legitimate pain and so do my girls. But how do we grasp the victorious living that is ours in Christ?

"seek those things which are above..."

I almost missed it. Colossians 3:2 repeats the thought - "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Is that the answer? I've been reading in Jeremiah. He was a prophet to Israel and for over 23 years he preached the same message: "Turn from sin. Obey God. Worship God." His message never changed and it was a pretty simple one and it is basically the same message that Colossians presents. I don't want to over simplify things but maybe I think too much. I want to glorify God. I want to please Him. I want to serve Him. I really do. But I struggle so much with the burdens of this world. I'm just looking down too much. Max Lucado said, "Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days?" Yes! I am!


O.K. I can be puzzled. I don't have to have all the answers because God's got it covered. I'm His jewel that He is preparing. He is going to bedazzle heaven with me! That is an awesome thought. I need to hang onto it and look up. I've struggled all week to get these thoughts written because I thought it might help me sort things out. Somehow, I have to take what I know in my head to be true and get it to my heart so I can live it out. I'm finding it easier said than done. I was listening to praise music tonight and the words of a song really hit home...


What could I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You.
I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe of the One who gave it all.
I'll stand, my soul, Lord to You surrendered,
All I am is Yours.


 “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’”.
(Isaiah 55:8-9) 

I pray that God gives me the courage and strength to offer myself completely to Him and to seek the things that are above. I'm sick and tired of my view of the ground.