I wrote the following blog about a year and a half ago but couldn't bring myself to post it. Too personal? Too painful? Too negative? I'm not sure. I decided to post it today because I want to remember - how I felt, what happened, etc. And I want to remember to pray.
I'm not a morning person at all but I do appreciate waking up leisurely and starting my day slowly and enjoying my coffee with the birds. Around my house, the birds make a tremendous racket very early in the morning - as if they are heralding the day - but then they quiet down quite a bit. The worst thing to me about mornings is the alarm clock. I have to set 4 separate alarms in order to ensure that I get up in time to get to work. Paul used to wake me every morning and bring me my cup of coffee in bed. Hmmm, anyway...I digress.
It was my day off and of course, I had looked forward to sleeping in. But in this warm weather, if I manage to get my cats in at night (which is not easy), they are ready earlier than I am to start their morning. On this particular day, I was awakened too early by Lei Lei scratching on the screen door in my bedroom and she wanted out! This cat will drive me crazy until she gets her way so I have learned that the best thing to do is just get it over with quickly. I rolled out of bed, let her out, and crawled back into bed in under 60 seconds. And, in also under 60 seconds, that dang cat was back at the door with a good sized bird in her mouth! Even though I know she is just acting on the instinct that God put in her, I was not happy. I closed the curtains so I didn't have to watch.
A few minutes later I peered out the window. There was the bird, dead on the bricks, and completely whole and untouched. Lei Lei caught her because her instinct is to hunt. But she is a fat and sassy spoiled domestic cat so she had no need to devour her catch for food. The bird died for nothing and was just left abandoned.
The following week was 4th of July and my brother came up and stayed for five days. I love my brother but he and I, as adults, have often struggled in our relationship. There are lots of issues but they aren't relevant right now. What is important to me about my brother is that he is fairly miserable, very lonely, and basically completely without hope. We have spent countless hours over the years discussing God, Christ, faith, salvation, etc. and still he clings to his excuses about why it all doesn't work for him. This trip was no different. We talked one night for several hours about this subject and it is impossible to describe the crazy circles we went in without really any mutual understanding or progress. I left him feeling like I had completely failed the Lord - even though I know in my head that it isn't me - it's the Holy Spirit that must work in his life. Still, God has entrusted me with the knowledge of Him and while I ache for everyone who doesn't have a saving faith in Christ, my family is at the top of my prayer list. I am heartbroken every time Tim goes back home, knowing that he is still searching, questioning, agonizing, and resisting.
As I watched him that night, pacing in an almost frantic way, feverishly trying to convince me that God has to work differently if He really loves us and that "religion" has done more damage than any other institution, I realized that he was further away from God than I thought. The Bible talks about Satan "taking away the Word" from someone and that Satan is a "liar and the father of lies" and that "there is no truth in him". (See Like 8:12 and John 8:44) Tim has bought into a lot of lies and Satan has brought chaos and confusion to his mind. I am convinced of it! Honestly, it was like spending hours in some sort of alternate reality. I Peter says that "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour". I felt like Satan was circling Tim, waiting for just the right moment to go in for the kill. I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic. It was eerie to watch this person that I love be so agitated and really almost distraught.
For days since he left, I have pondered the whole experience. What could I have said or done differently? Why doesn't God move forcefully in Tim's life? How did he get to this place? How do I pray for him? The sad fact is that death is at his door. It hasn't been welcomed in yet but it is there, waiting. But I'm convinced that my brother is still alive because God is waiting also. I continue to pray for him and I hope that he will respond to the Lord before it is too late. Anybody who dies without Christ dies for nothing, just like the unfortunate bird. Satan doesn't care one iota for us. His joy is in the kill and then he abandons his catch. God loves us infinitely and offers us life forever with Him. But while I didn't want to watch Lei Lei dispatch the bird I cannot turn away from someone I love, no matter how painful it is to watch.
God's ways are mysterious and I have such a limited awareness of how He works. I don't have the answers to Tim's questions that he wants. But I KNOW that I am saved and I know that Christ has done all He needs to do for this world. I also know that as believers, we all have loved ones that are far away from the truth. I tend to over-spiritualize when I try to get my thoughts written down and I don't want to do that. But I carry a sadness inside me for these lost loved ones and I want God to remind me constantly to lift them up to Him. God is my all-in-all! I am so blessed! I want so much for my brother to know Him also.
So I will wait. And I will pray. And I will attempt to stand in the gap for him (Eze. 22:30) until such time as he can join me on faith's side.
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