Struggle

I feel so dried up lately - tired, discouraged, stagnant. One of the struggles revolves around church. I've gone to the same church for 16 years - ever since we moved to Paso. It has been my home and it's all I know here. But I can't go there anymore, at least not for now. When I'm there on a Sunday morning all I can see is the ghost of my almost ex-husband. I've tried and tried, prayed, pushed myself, but I just cannot get past it. My girls are struggling with similar issues so we've all been looking around for a new church home. It is a painful process but we are all feeling desperate, in a way, for something; desperate for the family-feel that church provides, the accountability, the sense of belonging. But I'm almost 60 and starting over is not as easy as it once was. Our family has suffered quite a number of different losses over the last few years and at times we wonder whether it will ever end. That got me to thinking about what we expect in this life and what the Bible says about our suffering.

Romans 5:3 tells me that suffering produces perseverance and from perseverance comes character and from character comes hope. And hope does not disappoint us. Not only that, it says we are to rejoice in our suffering. Uh, let me confess right now. There's no rejoicing going on here.

Romans 8:18 says that our present sufferings are not worth anything compared to the glory that is waiting for us.

So what's wrong with me? Why aren't I rejoicing? Why aren't I hopeful? I was reading a devotional by Max Lucado the other day. He was talking about how this world is not our destination. We're passing through, on our journey, but heaven is our final destination and that is what we need to be looking towards. He said,

"Do you feel as if your best years have passed you by? Hogwash. You will do your best work in heaven. Do you regret wasting seasons of life on foolish pursuits? So do I. But we can stop our laments. We have an eternity to make up for lost time. Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days? Then see yourself as an uncut jewel and God as a lapidary. He is polishing you for your place in his kingdom. Your biggest moments lie ahead, on the other side of the grave.

So “seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God” (Col. 3:1 NKJV)."

I think I forget this a lot. I'm not looking up towards heaven. I've got my head down just watching myself put one foot in front of the other as I plod along. I'm tired of crying about my life. Don't get me wrong. I've got some legitimate pain and so do my girls. But how do we grasp the victorious living that is ours in Christ?

"seek those things which are above..."

I almost missed it. Colossians 3:2 repeats the thought - "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Is that the answer? I've been reading in Jeremiah. He was a prophet to Israel and for over 23 years he preached the same message: "Turn from sin. Obey God. Worship God." His message never changed and it was a pretty simple one and it is basically the same message that Colossians presents. I don't want to over simplify things but maybe I think too much. I want to glorify God. I want to please Him. I want to serve Him. I really do. But I struggle so much with the burdens of this world. I'm just looking down too much. Max Lucado said, "Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days?" Yes! I am!


O.K. I can be puzzled. I don't have to have all the answers because God's got it covered. I'm His jewel that He is preparing. He is going to bedazzle heaven with me! That is an awesome thought. I need to hang onto it and look up. I've struggled all week to get these thoughts written because I thought it might help me sort things out. Somehow, I have to take what I know in my head to be true and get it to my heart so I can live it out. I'm finding it easier said than done. I was listening to praise music tonight and the words of a song really hit home...


What could I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You.
I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe of the One who gave it all.
I'll stand, my soul, Lord to You surrendered,
All I am is Yours.


 “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’”.
(Isaiah 55:8-9) 

I pray that God gives me the courage and strength to offer myself completely to Him and to seek the things that are above. I'm sick and tired of my view of the ground.