Christmas, 2011

I want to remember this Christmas. Why? Was it spectacular? Maybe not. But it wasn't last Christmas and that's what counts. If you want to get caught up, read about last Christmas here. Come hell or high water, I had determined that this Christmas would be better! And praise God, it was! So I want to remember because it will give me hope as the new year begins. Perhaps we are through the worst of things but perhaps not. It doesn't matter. God is in control and I can trust Him with my life and with the lives of those I love.


Our meager goal:

Some of the kids had come over on a Sunday a few weeks before Christmas and helped me decorate the house. I just haven't had the heart for it since Paul left. Also, my mom died this past May and though she had been in a nursing home and hadn't been here for Christmas for several years, it would be the first one she would be celebrating in heaven. I love sitting in a darkened living room with nothing but the Christmas lights on. Everything looks beautiful and peaceful. Sometimes I am tempted to permanently install some twinkle lights but I'm afraid the kids might think I was a little off. I have always aspired to be "eccentric" though, so maybe that would be a good start. Anyway, we made a day of it. We went to church (always a struggle, but that's another story), went and bought my tree, came home and ate crock pot chicken soup and corn muffins and decorated. Chaos, confusion, and clutter. It was wonderful!

And so the countdown to Christmas began. I usually like to sew some for Christmas but I hadn't gotten an early enough start. I did manage to make a few ornaments.

These were made for Gabriel, Logan, Felicity, and Kian. I also made Tammera an owl ornament but from a different pattern and I made her an owl pin cushion for her birthday but I forgot to take pictures of those. Though it hardly counts as "crafting", I also made multiple batches of homemade Kahlua. Very tasty!

Christmas Eve arrived. We went to church and then met at my house for our traditional soup supper and the opening of the stockings. Both Jason and my brother, Tim, were sick and so were unable to join us. We have really simplified things and we just put some little things in the children's stockings and we only buy Christmas presents for the little ones also.

I am so blessed to have so much family here. I miss Tammera and her family terribly and of course, we all missed my mom. And I miss Paul though that might sound strange after all that's happened. There's been a breach and while God is repairing the damage done to the kids and I, it's a painful healing. But step by step, we are getting there.

Later Christmas Eve, the Hannas, Stivers, and myself watched the movie "The Bird Cage". I know, an odd choice for the season. Melissa and I find the movie hilarious but surprisingly, the rest of the crowd did not share our enthusiasm. In fact, their lack of appreciation for the subtle and classy humor in the movie detracted a little bit from the enjoyment that Melissa and I were hoping for. We'll watch it another night, just the two of us.

Church again on Christmas morning and then we had presents for the children and dinner later in the afternoon.

At dusk, we all went out to the front lawn to participate in one of Donny's favorite Christmas traditions: a silly string war! He had bought cans of silly string for kids and adults. We had a ball. Sarah filmed it because she was looking particularly gorgeous and Felicity ended up helping her because she wasn't thrilled with the mass commotion. (She did enjoy discharging her can, however, after everyone else had emptied theirs.) We can't wait to do this again next year!

All in all, it was a wonderful day in its normalcy, its lack of drama, its commonness. I was so grateful to get through the day and even more grateful to discover that I had enjoyed myself. There had been times when I never thought I'd truly laugh again.

I find that I am entering 2012 with a hope that I haven't felt in a while. But I also realize that this hope pales in comparison to the hope that is ours in Christ. I believe Satan has attempted to make me forget that and there have been moments when he almost succeeded. No matter what happens next, I know I can trust my Savior. I hope and pray that I can hang onto that promise this next year and reflect that assurance to my kids.

Psalm 25:5

     Guide me in your truth and teach me,
   for you are God my Savior,
   and my hope is in You all day long.

Psalm 42:11

   Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

   Why so disturbed within me?
   Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise Him,
   my Savior and my God.

Romans 15:13

   May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Giving Thanks, Part 4

I told myself I'd list 100 things that I was thankful for and I'm down to the last 25. I know that I am grateful for a lot more than 100 things but the fact that I am having trouble listing them leads me to believe that my perspective is not what it should be. I need to be expectantly watching for God's blessings and recognizing His goodness ALL THE TIME! I need to take time to thank Him right at the moment that something hits me so that I begin to re-train my thoughts. I want to focus on Him and the positive things in my life - not on myself or negative things. 2012 is going to be different!!

With that in mind, I'm thankful...

76.   that I did not hit that skunk the other night.
77.   that my kids are all so giving and generous.
78.   for my craft supply stash.
79.   for free return shipping.
80.   for the wisdom of others.
81.   that time heals.
82.   that each day is another opportunity to start a diet.
83.   for antibiotics.
84.   for solitude.
85.   for firewood.
86.   that this isn't all there is.
87.   for iTunes.
88.   for Barnes & Noble gift cards.
89.   for God's loving protection.
90.   that God gives me hope!
        "Hope which was lost,
          now stands renewed."
91.   that Paul's leaving didn't kill me.
92.   for my selective memory.
93.   for sweet conversations.
94.   for Christmas lights.
95.   for church family.
96.   that He welcomes me home!
97.   for the way music expresses what I cannot.
98.   that God never gives up on me.
99.   that the weight of my sin is not on my shoulders.
100. that God is my Saviour King!
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiFLqsNlISY

MY PORTION IS HIM 
AND I AM
MORE THAN BLESSED!!

Giving Thanks, Part 3

So many things are floating around in my head right now. It's been a tough week and while I really do want to be thankful for all that God allows, it is becoming more of a challenge. But this is where the rubber meets the road, isn't it? The first 25 things I listed on my "thankful list" were pretty easy to come up with. The second 25 took a little more effort but was still manageable. But today? How do you thank the Lord when you are crying with your grown daughter at 2 in the morning? What do you say to another daughter when the doctor appointment didn't go as planned? How do I process my own feelings of grief over my failed marriage and still remain thankful? And how do I get my mind off myself and onto Christ, our Savior, as we celebrate His birth?

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Col. 3:12

I know that the answers lie in His Word and that is where I need to go. But to be honest, it is easier to just sit and ponder and be frustrated. Lame! I want to shake myself sometimes and tell myself to just suck it up. I am blessed - no matter what! This world is hard but it won't always be this way. Someday, we will live without sorrow or tears. Praise God! And so, with that in mind...

I am thankful for:

51.   the hope of an eternity in heaven.
52.   the success of my grandson, Asher's, surgery.
53.   being able to be available for my kids and grandkids.
54.   Rollo candies.
55.   my rheumatologist, Dr. Eibschutz.
56.   a day off.
57.   sunshine and rain.
58.   having the house all to myself.
59.   a chaotic household.
60.   baggy sweatshirts.
61.   always being able to trust in the Lord.

        "Those who know Your Name will trust in You, for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You." (Psalm 9:10).

62.   my comfy, warm bed.
63.   flu shots.
64.   the greatness of God!

        "What does an all-sufficient God, who owns and controls all things, demand from the creature He has made? That we cease to be great in our own eyes and become small that He might appear great."  (John Piper)


65.   an affordable window washing service.

66.   God's grace.

        "Grace is God's riches at Christ's expense. Grace is the unmerited favor of God. Grace is God giving us what we cannot earn."  (Dr. Robert Jeffress)

67.   being chosen by God!

68.   the comic strip "Zits", my all-time favorite!

69.   growing up in a safe, child-friendly neighborhood.

70.   being born in America.

71.   the kindness of strangers.

        (like the two young men who helped me turn off my car horn. See "My Car" from 7/25/11 blog.)

72.   sitting outside around a fire talking in the dark with family and friends.
73.   wine.
74.   the ability to read.
75.   God's daily provision and that I don't go without.

Giving Thanks, Part 2

It's funny - I'm not feeling sure that I'll be able to come up with the rest of the 75 things I'm thankful for so that I can complete my list of 100 BUT I have felt more thankful this week just by pondering all this. So here goes - some more things ...

I'm thankful for:

26.   A good mechanic (see #15 in Part 1).
27.   A new kitchen faucet.
28.   Alias (my current Netflix obsession).
29.   the unconditional love of grandchildren.
30.   FORGIVENESS! (and not just receiving it, but giving it also.)
31.   "the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases,
        His mercies never come to an end;
        they are new every morning;
        great is Thy faithfulness!"
32.   the sound of a vacuum (that I'M not operating).
33.   sleeping in.
34.   falling asleep at night knowing that I am not alone!
        (no matter what my feelings tell me)
35.   weekends and staying up late.
36.   coffee. (see #33 and #35)
37.   second chances.
38.   trusting God even though I can't see or understand.
39.   not being born rich or marrying rich.
40.   humor.
41.   songs written just for me. (Thanks, Jenny)
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
42.   imagination and creativity.
43.   big earrings! (Come on, girls, I'm not alone in this!)
44.   nice, warm socks.
45.   driving to work without getting on a freeway.
46.   being able to have children.
        (something I took for granted)
47.   the privilege of being "Grammy".
48.   hair color in a box.
49.   my love of nature.
50.   the beautiful sound of a 12-string guitar.

Giving Thanks, Part 1

So, as I said in my last post, I'm going to try to start on the whole being more thankful thing. I thought, that in order to be more accountable, I'd better publish the things I'm thankful for. I want to get a list of at least 100 but I won't bore you with it all at once. Here's my start ...

I'm thankful for:

1.     hot water and flush toilets

By the way, these are not in any particular order although flush toilets are pretty far up on my list.

2.     birds
3.     God's patience with me
4.     Christian parents and an idyllic childhood
5.     pets
6.     daughters, sons-in-law (4 of each) and grandchildren (all 6 of them)
7.     the fact that Paul didn't leave me until after our children were grown
8.     lifelong friends
9.     the Bible
10.   a job that I enjoy and great bosses
11.   getting to live in the country
12.   books, books, and more books
13.   a warm fire at night
14.   medical care
15.   a car that, though quite old, runs
14.   my sewing machine
15.   my brother, whose struggles remind me how blessed I am to walk with             God
16.   my Tuesday night Bible Study and my Monday small group
17.   alarm clocks (without which I could NEVER get up)
18.   thrift stores
19.   eye glasses
20.   computers
21.   the times when I don't have to wear a bra
22.   photographs
23.   music
24.   the strength that God provides
25.   opportunities to minister to others

Enough for tonight. I will say that I awoke this morning and immediately began thanking God for some things. I was foggy, still not fully awake, but it was a wonderful way to start the day before ever getting out of bed. When I finally did get up I discovered that we had almost no water pressure because the switch on the well's booster pump had frozen up. I had to stick my head in the sink and wet my hair under a trickle of water so that I could attempt to tame the serious bed-head before going to work. It was a slightly rocky start to the day and certainly unexpected but it didn't seem to bother me. It just became a funny little story to tell. I'm thinking maybe that's because my attitude was subtly influenced by the thanks that had been on my mind first thing. We'll see.

But...

I'm sitting here this morning in the peace and quiet and looking out my living windows. I've been thinking a lot as the holidays approach. I was  praying and asking the Lord to show me... show me something. And yet at the same time, it was a half-hearted prayer. I really just wanted to sit and ruminate, but on my own thoughts, not God's.

I love to watch the birds out the window. I finally filled the hummingbird feeder the other day so there is plenty of activity there. Poor things, I hadn't filled it all year. I'm not sure how they survived without me - I guess they had to get their nourishment right from the source that God gave them. You know - flowers and all that natural stuff. They prefer my sugar water, though, because it's so easy to get. Hmmm, I'll have to come back to that thought.

Next, I noticed a bird's nest in the tree out front. It hadn't been visible before because it was hidden in the leaves. But we had a tremendous wind storm out here the other night. In just a few hours, the wind blew all the leaves off the tree. I have bird houses all over the place and none of them has ever been occupied! This nest is actually perched just a few feet above a very nice bird house that I had stuck in that tree. Apparently, the birds prefer the higher location, the effort in building the nest, and the surroundings of the tree instead of my wooden house. Again, all that natural stuff. Again, I must come back to that thought.

So, my friend Janine challenged my daughter, Melissa, to write down 100 things she is thankful for. I've been thinking a lot about that. Jenny just wrote a blog about her struggles of late and all that she is thankful for. She also got me to pondering gratitude. I confidently thought to myself, "Oh, I'm plenty grateful." But you know what? I'm not. Not really. Why not? I think it's because there is a big "but" in my life.

I think this is what I'm saying to God:
     "I'm grateful for the kids but...I don't have a husband to keep me company."
     "I'm grateful for my grandkids but...I don't have a husband to share that with."
     "I'm grateful for this beautiful place I live in...but I don't have a husband to sit in front of the fireplace with."

You get the idea. I'm withholding gratitude because I don't think I deserve what has happened to me. I don't think I can ever be quite whole again. I don't think I can ever be completely satisfied. Me, me, me! That has been my focus for far too long. And even I am getting sick of myself.

So now let's go back to the birds and what I can learn from them.

     Do I really think that the hummingbirds had a panic attack when I quit filling their feeder last year? Did they hover together and wonder how they were ever going to feed themselves now that Debbie's Diner was closed? How about my little family of birds in the tree? When all the leaves blew off and revealed their hiding place did they think, "Wow, we should have stayed down below there at Brown's Bed and Breakfast!"?
I seriously doubt it. No, they depended on their Maker for food and shelter, life itself, and accepted God's goodness without question. The birds don't gripe about their life being too hard. Seriously, have you ever seen an unhappy bird?

And one last thought - I never would have seen that beautiful nest silhouetted in the tree if the wind storm hadn't removed all the leaves. I know God is working in my life! I may feel like I'm having to work way too hard just to survive but God's bounty awaits me.  I might still feel like I'm in the midst of the storm but God's beauty will eventually be revealed. So I'm taking up Janine's and Jenny's "Thankfulness Challenge". I'm making a list and checking it twice. Anyone want to join me?

Matthew 6:25-27

English Standard Version (ESV)

 ²⁵ "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Am I a Closet Red-Neck?

I love living in the country but I am beginning to wonder about myself. Am I a closet red-neck? Or just weird?

Am I a closet red-neck if I go to my mailbox in my flannel p.j.'s?

Am I a closet red-neck if ....
            I want to be able to burn my tree trimmings?
            I walk out onto my patio in my underwear?
            I have a fire pit in the front yard?
                                   
Am I a closet red-neck if....
            I don't want anyone telling me what color I can paint my house?
            I opt not to paint the house?
            I pile trash next to the shop?
            I have a shop?
            I have a cat who pees in my almost ex-husband's sink?
            I drink cheap white wine with chips for dinner?

Am I a closet red-neck if....
            I've had a tarantula in my house?
            I've had a stray dog fall in the pool in the middle of the night?
            I have a dumpster?
            I've had a gun? (No longer. It was just for snakes, anyway)

Am I a closet red-neck if....
            my dad sits in his underwear and shoots squirrels
            out his living room window?
            I don't find it strange that my dad is shooting squirrels in this manner?
            I haven't locked a door in 16 years?
            I have used a push broom and a kitchen colander to clean the pool?
            I have a minimum size requirement before a spider is worth getting up
            to kill?
            I keep "Skunk Out" in the garage?

Am I a closet red-neck if....
            I had a clothesline and still miss it?
            I wish I could harvest gophers?
            I duct taped my headlight on and called it good?
            I admired my duct tape job?
            I know what J-B Weld is?
            I repaired a leak in my water storage tank all by myself
            with J-B Weld?

Or am I just weird?
                                   
                                   



                                     

                 

Mothering

I tend to mother...I mean, of course, I am a mother (noun). But I tend to mother (verb). My mothering has sometimes been mistakenly called "nagging" but that is because certain "motherees" do not fully understand my giftedness. Anyway, with that in mind, I thought I'd share with you a partial list of events that entitle me to mother a person.

If I've taken care of your animal or your child, that gives me the right to mother you.

If I've talked to you in the middle of the night or you've cried in my presence, that gives me the right to mother you.

If I've given or loaned you money, fed you, shortened pants for you, or let you borrow a book, that gives me the right to mother you.

If I've prayed for you, if I'm older than you, if you've ever asked my advice (for anything at anytime) or if you've ever spent the night at my house (while not actually living with me), that gives me the right to mother you.

And finally, if you've married one of my daughters, hurt yourself on my trampoline, or split your head open at my house, that gives me the right to mother you.

And lest you think I'm deluded, I'm fully aware that this is not necessarily a healthy approach. It just happens to be my approach. ☻

Anger - (Warning: Slightly inappropriate language)

I was watching a TV show the other night and it featured a married couple who appeared to be about my age. In this particular episode, the wife was celebrating opening her own store and was having a party for her family and friends. The husband took a moment and toasted his wife, praising her for her brains and her beauty and her stubbornness, etc.

Son of a bitch!!


What? Did I say that? I sort of whispered the words but inside I had screamed them!  And then I immediately felt a great sadness. Where had that come from? Believe me, my language isn't always pure but I don't ever remember calling anyone that. The show I was watching was a happy one. Why this sudden reaction?

I began to think about what I was feeling. I realized that at the moment that I watched that husband toast his wife, I instantly became aware that there would be no man toasting me for anything any time. At my next birthday I'll be 60 -  sort of a monumental birthday and not one I'm happy about. I don't want a big deal. That's not me. But I must admit that a loving husband singing my praises would not have been offensive. I was taken by surprise by the depth of my reaction and the anger that overtook me. Recently, after seeing a counselor for over a year, I was released  and deemed healthy enough to cope on my own. Her parting instruction to me, however, was to deal with anger. She didn't mean she wanted me to stop getting angry. Nope. She wanted me to get mad. In fact, her exact words were, "Where is your righteous indignation?" Well, I might have found it for just a moment.

I had wondered if it might overtake me suddenly and unexpectedly. And so it did. It didn't last long but it did serve as a warning. There is stuff buried inside me and while I really am doing well, I still have garbage to deal with and I need to be careful how I deal with it.

In the Bible Study that I am a part of we are learning about how God heals our hurts. Over and over, it seems to come back to trust in the Lord and fill yourself with His Word.

"Joy is a deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control.  

We cannot avoid pain but we can avoid joy because joy is the harvest of a life that consistently pursues God and insists on seeking His truth, longing to obey that truth.  The pursuit of joy is a matter of choice and perspective."


I don't know where I read that but it so speaks to me and my situation. I long for God's perspective on my life and also for my kids' lives. We seem to have the pain part down pat but joy? I've got a lot to work on in that arena. But I can honestly say that I am getting closer. Don't get me wrong. I am sometimes lonely without a husband. I am angry that he was unfaithful. I am confused about how it happened and how I could not know the man I had been with for 37 years. It has taken me awhile but I am going to sleep with fewer and fewer tears and the worry level really isn't too high. 


I have my moments. I can't lie. The other night, I made the mistake of pulling out my Social Security statements to see how much I'll get at each different age should I ever retire. Let me tell you - it was sobering.  Of course, I had always thought that there would be two social security checks plus a husband's retirement plus eventually, a house with no mortgage. All that has changed. I did spend a day or so sort of worrying about it. But fairly quickly, I was able to give it to God. I want to want what He wants. And I want desperately to please Him and trust Him fully. He has saved me! If He can do that, why do I worry that He might not take care of my physical and financial needs? He created and formed me and chose me! I don't need anything else. My dad is a pretty wise old guy and he told me something not long ago that has stuck with me. He said,


"We have limited ability to change our circumstances but unlimited ability to change our attitudes."


So I'm a work in progress but I'm beginning to have moments where I can feel a little excitement about what God might do in my life. I'm focusing a bit more on what I've got than on what went missing. I'm old enough to remember the Mary Tyler Moore Show from the '70s. In the theme song the famous phrase was, "You're gonna make it after all."  Yep, I'm gonna make it. But I do NOT want to limp into heaven still playing the part of a wounded victim. I want to race triumphantly into my Savior's arms having committed myself to obey Him above all else.



I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2, NIV).

"'For your Maker is your husband—the LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One ofIsrael is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,' says your God" (Isaiah 54:5-6).

Kahlua Recipe - By Request

Every year, when I tell people that I make Kahlua, I get asked for the recipe. I decided to post it here so anybody who wants it can find it. I sure don't mind sharing it. If you're asking for the recipe then you know you're not on my gift list!  :)  Anyway, this is a super easy gift to make and tastes delicious. This recipe calls for brandy but I've seen some that are made with vodka. I've never tried the vodka ones but I'm sticking with what works!

Kahlua


4 cups sugar
2 oz. instant coffee (1 cup)
2 cups boiling water
2 cups cheap brandy
1 vanilla bean


Mix sugar and coffee together. Add boiling water and stir until well dissolved. Cool. Add brandy. Mix gently. Take vanilla bean and split down the middle without cutting all the way through the bean. Open up the bean a bit so that the inside is exposed. Add to coffee mixture. Put in some sort of bottle and sit in cool, dark place for 45 days. Remove vanilla bean and drink!

Tips


Vanilla beans are quite expensive locally. Since I tend to make large batches of Kahlua for gifting, I order beans online. (beanilla.com, for example)

To make it easier to retrieve the vanilla bean when the Kahlua is done I tie a piece of dental floss around the end of the bean and suspend the bean in the Kahlua. That way, when the 45 days is up, I just grab the floss and haul out the bean.

I have saved the glass containers that the brandy comes in. It makes a great bottle for the Kahlua to age in.

Each batch of this recipe makes enough Kahlua to fit nicely in a 1.75ml bottle.

Once the Kahlua is done you need to decant it into something smaller for gift-giving. There are a couple kinds of beer that come in either brown or green bottles and have a rubber stopper with a metal clamp that secures the stopper. These bottles look great and are perfect for the Kahlua. Just ask someone to volunteer to drink the beer for you and you've got your gift bottles.

Hope you enjoy!

Conversation with God

Lord, I am so tired.

     But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;   Lam. 3:21, 22

Lord, my children are angry. Lord, I am angry.

     Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil.   Psalm 37:8


     In your anger do not sin.   Eph. 4:26

How long, oh Lord, until we get a break?

     The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him.   Lam. 3:25

I am hurting, Lord. And worse, my children are hurting!

     I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.   Psalm 31:7


I feel so alone, Lord.

     In Thee, O Lord, do I seek refuge.   Psalm 31:1

I don't understand why all this has happened.

     Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.   Ecclesiastes 7:3 & 4

I don't know what to do - for myself, for my dad, for my kids.

     I will give thanks...   Psalm 139:14, I Chronicles 16:34, Psalms 7:17, 28:7, 100:4, 105:1, I Thess. 5:18


Lord, I need sleep so badly. Restful, peaceful, sleep.

     Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.   Psalm 31:9


     I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.   Psalm 4:8

I keep praying, Lord. Do You hear me?

     In my distress I screamed to the Lord for His help. And He heard me from heaven; my cry reached His ears.   Psalm 18:6


Lord, I'm tired of crying every night!

      I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears.  Psalm 6:6

     He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that has gone forever.   Rev. 21:4

Christmas, a dog, and vodka

Last Christmas was sort of tragically pathetic, but since I have a rather sick sense of humor, I can chuckle about it today. I was remembering last Christmas because I have begun to think about the holidays. It's almost November and once again, the season has crept up on me and I will soon be feeling uninspired, overwhelmed, and frantic. I hate that. I wish I was the type of person who planned and prepared all year long. Who am I kidding? That is never going to happen. There might still be time, though, for me to put a little forethought into the holiday season. We'll see. Anyway, back to last Christmas...

It was my first Christmas without a husband (no, I'm not a widow, although violence has occasionally crossed my mind). My youngest and her family were in Arizona and could not come home for the holidays. The other three were going to have their own family stuff at their houses first and then everyone was going to come up to my house for Christmas dinner and gifts for the little ones. It was a different plan than we had done in the past but I think we were all feeling like we just couldn't do things the same as we had always done. It wasn't the same, never would be the same again, and we just couldn't face the hole that betrayal had left.

The kids did come over on Christmas Eve for our traditional soup supper and stocking fest. My dog, Dakota, seemed a bit off and I decided to keep her locked up in my bedroom for the evening. The little ones made her nervous even when she was feeling well. Dakota had been Jenny's dog until she left home and now was really my husband's but of course, when he bailed, he left her behind. For a while, she had looked for him every morning (they used to walk down to the mailbox together) and every evening for a little roughhousing. She had made the transition, finally, and now had settled for me. She'd always been a little crazy and high strung and even though she was 12 or 13 years old, she could still tear up our long driveway in front of my car. When I went to my room later that Christmas Eve, I realized that she wasn't in any shape to run. She was very sick and was throwing up constantly. I moved her to the hall bathroom where it would be easier to clean up and she continued to get sick. She seemed excessively thirsty but would almost immediately throw up any water she drank. This went on all night long. I felt horrible for her but didn't know what to do. Neither one of us slept and by morning we were both exhausted. I sensed that things were getting critical but it was Christmas Day and I was just trying to survive. My dad and brother were supposed to come for breakfast and then the kids and grandkids were coming later in the day.

My dad woke up that morning and wasn't feeling well so he called to say he would skip breakfast. My brother never showed up. It was just me and Dakota and we were in sad shape. I love having animals but I am filled with such heaviness when it becomes apparent that they are at the end of their lives. I had to face the fact that Dakota was dying. She was so sick. I tried to start on Christmas dinner and I checked on her every few minutes. She continued to worsen. Finally, I could stand it no longer. I left everything as it was in the kitchen, put her in my car, and drove to the 24 hour emergency vet clinic in Atascadero. I called the kids on the way down and they all insisted that they wanted to come with me but some things I just have to do alone. This was one of them. The people at the clinic were so kind and I sat on the floor with Dakota until she was gone. I was relieved that she was no longer suffering but it seemed such a depressing end to a very difficult year. I got so angry about the fact that I was dealing with this by myself instead of sharing it with Paul. But those thoughts weren't doing me any good. I was glad for the long drive home so that I could cry for Dakota, for myself, for my kids, for my marriage. It gave me time to pull myself together and suck it up. It was Christmas Day! Really, who puts their dog down on Christmas Day! It just didn't seem fair.

When I arrived home Donny and Melissa were already there and were working on the dinner and setting the table. Everyone else arrived shortly thereafter (Zac with a beautiful turkey) and all pitched in to get the meal on the table. My kids and their husbands were awesome and in spite of the dog glitch we still ate relatively on time. Later, I was sitting on the couch enjoying a White Trash Margarita (*recipe to follow) and reflecting on the day. I realized that I was so tired from being up all night and had been so consumed by dealing with the dog that I hadn't had the time or energy to cry about the devastation that was my life. Dakota was an old dog, She had been hit by cars three times and had survived a rattlesnake bite. She was a tough old girl but wasn't going to live much longer. God, in His graciousness, chose that particular Christmas. Should I have been rejoicing in the celebration of Christ's birth? Of course! But He knew that I was so wounded and raw from all that had happened and He also knew my heart and mind would be on all that was wrong that year. I'm so grateful for His mercy to me that day and I'm grateful that He doesn't expect perfection from me. He used Dakota's death to ease me through a day that otherwise would have been much more painful. I'm looking forward to this Christmas. It has to be better than last year! But I remember last year with thankfulness for a little black dog that stood by me until the end and for the God who knew just what I needed.

*White Trash Margarita


Mix equal parts of Limeade frozen concentrate (do not dilute) and Vodka in a blender. Add plenty of ice and blend until slushy. Enjoy! (Can also be made with frozen Pink Lemonade.)

Struggle

I feel so dried up lately - tired, discouraged, stagnant. One of the struggles revolves around church. I've gone to the same church for 16 years - ever since we moved to Paso. It has been my home and it's all I know here. But I can't go there anymore, at least not for now. When I'm there on a Sunday morning all I can see is the ghost of my almost ex-husband. I've tried and tried, prayed, pushed myself, but I just cannot get past it. My girls are struggling with similar issues so we've all been looking around for a new church home. It is a painful process but we are all feeling desperate, in a way, for something; desperate for the family-feel that church provides, the accountability, the sense of belonging. But I'm almost 60 and starting over is not as easy as it once was. Our family has suffered quite a number of different losses over the last few years and at times we wonder whether it will ever end. That got me to thinking about what we expect in this life and what the Bible says about our suffering.

Romans 5:3 tells me that suffering produces perseverance and from perseverance comes character and from character comes hope. And hope does not disappoint us. Not only that, it says we are to rejoice in our suffering. Uh, let me confess right now. There's no rejoicing going on here.

Romans 8:18 says that our present sufferings are not worth anything compared to the glory that is waiting for us.

So what's wrong with me? Why aren't I rejoicing? Why aren't I hopeful? I was reading a devotional by Max Lucado the other day. He was talking about how this world is not our destination. We're passing through, on our journey, but heaven is our final destination and that is what we need to be looking towards. He said,

"Do you feel as if your best years have passed you by? Hogwash. You will do your best work in heaven. Do you regret wasting seasons of life on foolish pursuits? So do I. But we can stop our laments. We have an eternity to make up for lost time. Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days? Then see yourself as an uncut jewel and God as a lapidary. He is polishing you for your place in his kingdom. Your biggest moments lie ahead, on the other side of the grave.

So “seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God” (Col. 3:1 NKJV)."

I think I forget this a lot. I'm not looking up towards heaven. I've got my head down just watching myself put one foot in front of the other as I plod along. I'm tired of crying about my life. Don't get me wrong. I've got some legitimate pain and so do my girls. But how do we grasp the victorious living that is ours in Christ?

"seek those things which are above..."

I almost missed it. Colossians 3:2 repeats the thought - "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Is that the answer? I've been reading in Jeremiah. He was a prophet to Israel and for over 23 years he preached the same message: "Turn from sin. Obey God. Worship God." His message never changed and it was a pretty simple one and it is basically the same message that Colossians presents. I don't want to over simplify things but maybe I think too much. I want to glorify God. I want to please Him. I want to serve Him. I really do. But I struggle so much with the burdens of this world. I'm just looking down too much. Max Lucado said, "Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days?" Yes! I am!


O.K. I can be puzzled. I don't have to have all the answers because God's got it covered. I'm His jewel that He is preparing. He is going to bedazzle heaven with me! That is an awesome thought. I need to hang onto it and look up. I've struggled all week to get these thoughts written because I thought it might help me sort things out. Somehow, I have to take what I know in my head to be true and get it to my heart so I can live it out. I'm finding it easier said than done. I was listening to praise music tonight and the words of a song really hit home...


What could I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You.
I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe of the One who gave it all.
I'll stand, my soul, Lord to You surrendered,
All I am is Yours.


 “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’”.
(Isaiah 55:8-9) 

I pray that God gives me the courage and strength to offer myself completely to Him and to seek the things that are above. I'm sick and tired of my view of the ground.

Re-usable Grocery Bag Tutorial using a cat food bag

This is kind of a crazy post (really crazy) but I just thought it would be fun to try to make something out of one of those cat food bags that are so sturdy. Cat food, dog food, kitty litter, chicken feed, etc. are now coming in bags that aren't just paper. Some of them are sort of a webbed type plastic and they are very strong. So just for grins, I made a reusable grocery bag from a Purina cat food bag. Here's what I started with...

First, turn it inside out and sew across the bottom. I tried serging it also but my serger didn't like sewing on the plastic so I gave up that idea. By the way, the reason I had to sew across the bottom was because the cat food bag wasn't sealed at the bottom. It was simply folded up several times and taped.

Next, fold the bag so that you can sew triangles on the lower corners. This will make a box-type bottom for your bag.

Now sew straight across to form your triangle. When you're done with that, cut off the excess bag in the corner.

 Turn your bag right side out. You can see how it is beginning to shape up compared to my purchased bag.

Obviously, it's a bit too tall so we'll have to cut it down a bit.

Now, take the piece that you cut off the top and cut that in half. We're going to use one of the halves to make our handles.

Now take one of these strips and fold the raw edges together, overlap them in the middle, and sew a zig zag stitch all the way around. You should come out with a circle strip that you can cut in half so that you will have two straps.

Take the body of your bag, turn down the top edge about an inch and sew a zig zag stitch all the way around.

Now all that's left is to attach the straps.

Done! Now you might not think it's too pretty but hey, it's absolutely free! And these bags are made to carry a heavy load. They are kind of stiff so they are easier to fill at the store than some of the fabric bags that are so limp. Also, they are waterproof so they'd be great to keep in the car for beach trips, etc. No need to worry about keeping them nice. When they've served their purpose or get wrecked you can just throw them into your recycling.  I know - you're wondering why you didn't think of it!

Crafting Again

Just thought I'd share with you a few of my projects that I've worked on lately. I'm trying to be more productive on my days off instead of just watching HGTV.

My two little granddaughters had birthdays recently. Felicity turned four and was having an owl themed birthday party so I made her this dress in keeping with the theme...

Audrey turned three and I wanted to make her a Raggedy Ann doll. I made them for my daughters when they were young and am now making them for the grandchildren. I think I got overconfident on this one because I didn't pay close enough attention and made quite a mistake.

Do you see the problem? Totally made the legs upside down. What a pain. I had already stuffed the whole doll and sewn it all together. The second picture shows it after I ripped the legs off. I had to start all over on the legs but fortunately, I got it all done and was able to ship it to Arizona in time for sweet Audrey's birthday.

My daughter, Melissa, loves all things peacock. I saw a picture on Pinterest of a peacock pin cushion. I thought it was going to be a tutorial on how to make it but instead, it was an Etsy shop that was selling them. I couldn't afford to buy it for her so I bought some felt and copied the picture. I think it came out pretty cute.

I wanted to save it and give it to her for her birthday but I was so pleased with myself that I gave it to her early. Yesterday, because I spoil Melissa, I tried something else for her. She has a necklace that she loves that was given to her by Donny's brother and his wife. They are missionaries in Africa and the necklace was made by African women out of rolled paper beads. She likes to wear the necklace but had no earrings to match it so I looked on Pinterest and sure enough, I found some directions to make rolled paper beads. I managed to make her a pair of earrings that resemble the necklace closely enough that she wore them today. It wasn't a process I particularly enjoyed but I may try it again sometime - if I have nothing else to do - if I'm really bored - if I have no fingernails left to bite.

The Amazing "4 Minute Workout"

I hate to exercise! I cannot state this strongly enough. There is nothing about exercise that I like! I have a membership to the cheap gym - who can quibble with $10 a month - but I haven't been in at least 6 months. I've even stopped feeling guilty about not going and still paying. I'm big on guilt so this says a lot about how low I've sunk. Also, I'm pretty sure that I read somewhere that if you went to the gym twice a week for 5 minutes each time your cholesterol would drop dramatically and you could still eat butter. I'm pretty sure that was guaranteed. My body didn't get that memo, however, and my cholesterol did NOT drop, in spite of the fact that I cut down my Goldfish cracker consumption to one large box per week.

Anyway, I was browsing Pinterest (my new favorite time-waster) the other night and came across a short video about an Amazing 4 Minute Workout. According to the trainer on the video, this workout would burn as many calories as a 40 minute run and it would boost your metabolism for the next 12-36 hours.

O.K. This sounded like it had possibilities. I'm sure I could do just about anything for 4 minutes. I took my computer out to the dining room where Melissa was baking a Pecan Pie. I wanted her to support me and also I wanted to show her how buff and dedicated I was. The trainer explained that there would be a series of just 4 exercises that would be done for 20 seconds each, separated by 10 seconds of rest, and then the whole set repeated once. Simple. How could I lose? I started the video and prepared to get boosted! The first exercise was called the squat thrust push up. I had to drop to the floor, kick my legs out behind me, do a push up and then hop up to a standing position again. You were supposed to do as many as you could in 20 seconds. The girl on the video who was demonstrating did about 10 and she wasn't even breathing hard. I thought to myself, "This is awesome. I'll do 4 minutes a day and I'll lose 30 pounds in no time."

O.K. Go. Dropped to the floor, kicked my feet back. So far, so good. However, I realized, after I face-planted on the carpet, that I could not do a push up. You've got to be kidding! Not even one push up? Apparently not. My arms would not hold me. I jumped up and attempted 4 more times and face-planted 4 times as well. O.K. 10 seconds of rest. Yes! I can do this! Next was something called "Mountain Climbers". These consisted of dropping to the ground again, supporting your upper body with your arms and then sort of jogging in place with your back half. Hard to explain but I did fairly well on this part and soon jumped up for my 10 seconds of rest. I was starting to breathe hard. Next came "High knees" which was just running in place with your knees rising up to meet your chest. At this point, Melissa, bless her little heart, became my cheerleader. "Come on, Mom! It says 'High Knees', not 'Low Knees'. Pick up your feet. Get your knees up! You're hardly moving!"

O.K. I'm not hiring her for my personal trainer. I gratefully rested and then did 20 seconds of jumping jacks. Those I can do. Of course, by now, I was gasping for air, but I was halfway there! I can do this! The trainer instructed me to repeat the set. Uh oh. Squat, kick back, push ...plop. Try again. Same result. I figured I'd count it because after all, I was trying. By the time I got to the end of the 4 minutes I was in need of an oxygen mask and a stretcher and I hadn't done one single exercise correctly. Melissa was less than impressed but I decided it counted as an awesome workout since I was so winded. I happily grabbed the box of Goldfish crackers and headed back to my room for some more Pinterest. I wanted to look for the "Amazing 4 Minute Whole House Cleaning" video.

Egrets Among the Cows

I was driving over to the coast several months ago and came upon an interesting sight – egrets. One of my favorite birds, egrets blanketed the shore where we used to live. But since I moved inland my sightings have been rare. I love these tall, beautiful, regal birds.

But they seemed out of place that day. Yes, I was almost to the coast. But these egrets were in a pasture that had partially flooded due to a winter storm. There they stood, calmly watching for prey, in a field among the cattle. On a farm, they were unperturbed by the neighboring cows. In fact, they seemed oblivious to their presence.

I came home and decided to do a little research on egrets. I discovered that these birds are quite versatile. There is actually a smaller egret that is named the cattle egret because it feeds where cattle are – catching whatever it can as the cattle disturb the area. I realized that I had a pre-conceived notion of where an egret belonged. I had grown up by the beach so I was used to seeing them there. In my ignorance, I assumed that was the only place where they belonged. After reading more about these birds, I learned that they nest and feed near bodies of water but not necessarily the ocean. I had assumed that egrets belonged at the beach because that had been my experience. In my ignorance, I limited them.

I wonder how many times I do that with God. I know (or think I know) where I feel I belong and of course, I am comfortable in those arenas. But I am probably limiting myself and God because I am not considering that I may very well belong somewhere that seems out of place to me.

As a young woman my desire was to be a good wife and mother. Now, as I near 60, I am still a mother although my girls are all grown and married, and I am no longer a wife. So where do I belong? Mothering adults is a difficult task and I usually drive my kids (or their husbands) crazy. But I still have a desire to be a godly example to my kids and I'm praying that God gives me the wisdom and ability to accomplish that. And the wife part? What a constant struggle that has become. Considering that it was my primary desire for so many years - not to be any old wife - but a bomb of a wife - what am I left with? Some guilt to be sure. Was it all my fault? Partly my fault? Just a little bit my fault? It's complicated, no doubt. Sin has tainted and poisoned a large part of my life. At times I've despaired and felt like there was no place left for me. But God has other ideas. I don't know what He has for me to do but I know He won't be leaving me just sitting around useless forever. I'm in a waiting period and I'm not particularly happy about it but I know that God's timing is perfect. He'll guide me, as He always has, when His time comes. Will I be comfortable? I hope so. I hope I will recognize that as long as I'm doing whatever it is that God wants me to do then I'm exactly where I belong.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Things That Have Been In My Bedroom Besides A Man

I had daydreamed about living in the country for years. I didn't really think I ever would but God blessed us and 16 years ago we moved here - 14 acres of dirt and weeds and bugs. Love it!! It has made for some interesting experiences along the way. I realized that my bedroom seems to have had a plethora of visitors and they aren't the kind that will rub your back or make you coffee. So here is a review of the company I've had over the years...

It started off late one night the first week we were living here. Jenny, Melissa, and I were still up doing unpacking sort of stuff. I headed down the hallway towards my room to put some stuff away. Do you know what a potato bug is? (Google it!) They are gross, disgusting, and entirely other-worldly.

http://www.lifeperfected.com/spinach/potatobug.html

Well, a potato bug came charging out of my room. (Yes! They can charge!) It was running down the hallway right at me, chasing me! It seemed to be saying, "Back up offa my grill!" I quickly turned around and ran back to the kitchen. I knew the girls would be no help and the man posing as my husband was sound asleep so it was up to me. I grabbed the flyswatter. I know, it makes no sense. But I was somewhat desperate for a weapon and you can't squish those ugly things. I headed into battle and managed to get the potato bug onto the flyswatter. I ran back down the hallway with it all the while screaming for the girls to open the screen door where I proceeded to throw it outside. Whew! Who knew that this would just be the beginning.

Several years later, in the middle of the night, a potato bug dropped right out of the sky and into the middle of my bed! How does that happen? There is a heater vent right over the bed. It's never been used in 16 years and the slots are very small. I didn't see how a bug that size could get through but nevertheless, it's the only source I could figure out unless this was a mutant potato bug that had developed the ability to fly. In our panic we began flailing our arms in the dark with really no knowledge of where the thing would end up. I found it the next morning, alive, in our bathroom, nosed into the corner like it was in shock. I had a system now, though, so I again got the flyswatter and out the door it went.

The next visitor to my bedroom was a baby rattlesnake. My brother, Tim, was here with a crew of guys and they were working out front landscaping in preparation for Jen and Zac's wedding. Zac was helping Tim but had come in for a drink of water. He happened to glance down the hallway and he saw several of our cats in my room, acting somewhat suspiciously. He went down to my room and found a small, injured and bleeding, but alive, snake. Without thinking, he picked it up and carried it outside to my brother. "Look what I found in Mom's room!" My brother replied, "Uh, Zac, you got a baby rattlesnake there." Zac quickly dropped it and someone finished it off. Don't cry for the snake. Cry for me! How does a snake get in my room? I don't have a cat door simply because I figure the cats would bring me lots of presents. So my guess is that a cat walked through an open door with a snake hanging out of it's mouth and no one noticed! Not acceptable.

Though the next guest was in my room, it was my youngest daughter, Melissa, that suffered. It was a hot summer night and there were quite a few people here swimming. Melissa was headed out to the pool and for some reason, she decided to go out the sliding glass door in my room. She didn't bother to turn on the light but she would live to regret that decision. As she crossed the threshold of the door she stepped in something very squishy, slimy and gross. She didn't know what it was but she knew it wasn't good. She panicked and ran out the door, screaming bloody murder. (If you know Melissa, you know she has a flair for the dramatic.) She jumped onto the steps of the pool, frantically trying to get the gunk off her foot. At the sound of all the commotion, I headed back to my room to see what the problem was. When I turned on my light I saw a disemboweled rat right at my sliding glass door. It had a footprint in the middle of it! Ewww! When Melissa found out what she had stepped on the screaming started all over again. I never blamed her for being so grossed out but the rest of us did get a good laugh out of her distress. Again, however, I must ask the question, "How does no one see a cat walk in with a rat in it's mouth?"

More recently, I was sitting in bed one night reading when I caught some movement out of the corner of my eye. I was startled to see a mouse run across my bedroom and hide under my cedar chest. Great! I'm not afraid of mice but how do you really sleep comfortably knowing you have that sort of company? I looked and looked but couldn't find the mouse so I finally went back to my reading. Eventually, it again made a run for it. I opened my screen door and after multiple attempts I somehow managed to herd it out the door. This technique would prove useful for my next, and latest, non-human visitor.

It was a Sunday afternoon and I was contentedly lounging in bed after church watching HGTV. As an added bonus, we had leftovers from Brandon (my son-in-law's brother) and Melissa's rehearsal dinner and they were delicious. I happily walked out to the kitchen, fixed my plate of leftovers, and then headed back towards my room. To my shock, there was a small snake right in the doorway of my room. I'm sure it wasn't there a few minutes earlier. Now what? Home alone. I put down my plate and ran for the garage to find a weapon of some sort. I grabbed a large bucket. I don't think I was thinking too clearly because that dang bucket really did me no good. Whatever! This was a true crisis! I ran across the patio and entered my bedroom through the infamous sliding glass door, assuming that I would have the element of surprise on my side. The snake was gone!! I couldn't believe it! I was going to have to sell the house and move. I may have tolerated a mouse in my room but I sure wasn't going to put up with a snake in there. I began to cry out loud to God. "Please!!! Don't do this! Show me that snake. I can't take it!" And God, in His mercy, answered. Again, like the mouse before it, I caught slight movement off to the right. There was the snake curled up and hiding behind a small suitcase that was sitting on my floor. It had just missed going into my closet. That would have been a disaster! It could live in my closet for years and never be found. Anyway, I looked at the snake closely and determined that it was not a rattlesnake. That meant it could live, just not in my room. Looked at the snake again. Looked at my bucket. I tried to coax the snake into the bucket but it wasn't having any of that. I finally used the bucket to sort of nudge the snake and it suddenly darted right out my sliding glass door. To this day, I know that unseen heavenly hands guided him and I'm thankful!!

Did I mention that my bedroom is my refuge and my sanctuary?