Anger - (Warning: Slightly inappropriate language)

I was watching a TV show the other night and it featured a married couple who appeared to be about my age. In this particular episode, the wife was celebrating opening her own store and was having a party for her family and friends. The husband took a moment and toasted his wife, praising her for her brains and her beauty and her stubbornness, etc.

Son of a bitch!!


What? Did I say that? I sort of whispered the words but inside I had screamed them!  And then I immediately felt a great sadness. Where had that come from? Believe me, my language isn't always pure but I don't ever remember calling anyone that. The show I was watching was a happy one. Why this sudden reaction?

I began to think about what I was feeling. I realized that at the moment that I watched that husband toast his wife, I instantly became aware that there would be no man toasting me for anything any time. At my next birthday I'll be 60 -  sort of a monumental birthday and not one I'm happy about. I don't want a big deal. That's not me. But I must admit that a loving husband singing my praises would not have been offensive. I was taken by surprise by the depth of my reaction and the anger that overtook me. Recently, after seeing a counselor for over a year, I was released  and deemed healthy enough to cope on my own. Her parting instruction to me, however, was to deal with anger. She didn't mean she wanted me to stop getting angry. Nope. She wanted me to get mad. In fact, her exact words were, "Where is your righteous indignation?" Well, I might have found it for just a moment.

I had wondered if it might overtake me suddenly and unexpectedly. And so it did. It didn't last long but it did serve as a warning. There is stuff buried inside me and while I really am doing well, I still have garbage to deal with and I need to be careful how I deal with it.

In the Bible Study that I am a part of we are learning about how God heals our hurts. Over and over, it seems to come back to trust in the Lord and fill yourself with His Word.

"Joy is a deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control.  

We cannot avoid pain but we can avoid joy because joy is the harvest of a life that consistently pursues God and insists on seeking His truth, longing to obey that truth.  The pursuit of joy is a matter of choice and perspective."


I don't know where I read that but it so speaks to me and my situation. I long for God's perspective on my life and also for my kids' lives. We seem to have the pain part down pat but joy? I've got a lot to work on in that arena. But I can honestly say that I am getting closer. Don't get me wrong. I am sometimes lonely without a husband. I am angry that he was unfaithful. I am confused about how it happened and how I could not know the man I had been with for 37 years. It has taken me awhile but I am going to sleep with fewer and fewer tears and the worry level really isn't too high. 


I have my moments. I can't lie. The other night, I made the mistake of pulling out my Social Security statements to see how much I'll get at each different age should I ever retire. Let me tell you - it was sobering.  Of course, I had always thought that there would be two social security checks plus a husband's retirement plus eventually, a house with no mortgage. All that has changed. I did spend a day or so sort of worrying about it. But fairly quickly, I was able to give it to God. I want to want what He wants. And I want desperately to please Him and trust Him fully. He has saved me! If He can do that, why do I worry that He might not take care of my physical and financial needs? He created and formed me and chose me! I don't need anything else. My dad is a pretty wise old guy and he told me something not long ago that has stuck with me. He said,


"We have limited ability to change our circumstances but unlimited ability to change our attitudes."


So I'm a work in progress but I'm beginning to have moments where I can feel a little excitement about what God might do in my life. I'm focusing a bit more on what I've got than on what went missing. I'm old enough to remember the Mary Tyler Moore Show from the '70s. In the theme song the famous phrase was, "You're gonna make it after all."  Yep, I'm gonna make it. But I do NOT want to limp into heaven still playing the part of a wounded victim. I want to race triumphantly into my Savior's arms having committed myself to obey Him above all else.



I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2, NIV).

"'For your Maker is your husband—the LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One ofIsrael is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,' says your God" (Isaiah 54:5-6).