The Holidays

I was thinking the other night about my dad and the challenges he faces as he ages. I began to pray for him and I was asking the Lord to be his strength, comfort, and to give us both peace and wisdom as we face the days ahead. As I lay in my bed praying, I realized...He is my strength, my dad's strength, our peace, our wisdom. I don't have to ask Him to be that. He already is!! Praise God. I just have to live like I believe that. Then came Christmas and I felt that I was moving through the season, simply tolerating it. When did it become something I just needed to "get through?" I missed the joy in celebrating Christ's birth and all that it means to me. Oh, I can list off lots of reasons for a less-than-wonderful attitude. But as I've pondered this, God has again reminded me that He is my strength, peace, wisdom, and JOY! I've been living my life as if I were waiting - waiting for resolution, waiting for peace, waiting for something to happen.

I kept trying to write but the truth is that I've felt so depleted and I guess I feel like when I write I should be able to end with some profound truth. Pride! Who am I to think that I've got it all together and I need to share it with the world? It is enough that "God Is!" He exists, He loves me, He has saved me. He is the only One I need. I don't need to be waiting for anything. He has done it all already and He knows what is coming for me. Yes, He felt my loneliness during the holidays. Yes, I'm still sitting here in front of an awesome fire - alone. I need to quit my griping. I am so blessed. So here are just a few highlights of my holiday...

We were not able to be together as a family on Christmas Day this year so we gathered at my house on December 19th for our traditional "soup supper" and to let the little ones open their presents from me.

Jason, Sarah, and Gabriel Baker.

Zac, Jenny, Logan, Felicity, Kian, and Arrow Hanna.

Donny and Melissa Stiver.

Me, my dad (Papa to everyone), and my brother, Tim.

Presents!! You can barely see it but in the background on the table is a beautiful picture of my mom and dad at Melissa and Donny's wedding. Next to that is a picture of Sarah, Jenny, Melissa, and my mom. The girls are wearing matching dresses that I had made them for Christmas. 

Sarah and Felicity have a special bond because they are both very beautiful, prissy, girly girls! Lissy is wearing a dress that I made her for Christmas.

The Paso 5.

A couple of days later, Sarah, Jenny, and I took the five Paso kids to the "Follow the Star" presentation at FBC. It was a great experience although Kian got scared and I had to carry him through the stations and Lissy clung very tightly to Aunt Sarah's hand. Jenny was kept busy with Arrow and the two older boys were left to their own devices!

The "play dough station" was probably the favorite and that was just while we were waiting for our turn to "travel."

Aunt Sarah trying to comfort Arrow but that Mama's boy wasn't buying it!

Christmas night, Melissa, Donny, and Donny's parents graciously included me in their Christmas dinner and the next night, Donny's mom, Susie, cooked a fabulous Swedish smorgasbord and insisted that I join them for that too. It was all delicious and it was so hospitable for the Stivers (who had come all the way from Wisconsin) to share their family time with me.

The next week I got to babysit Arrow for the first time. Actually, I had all three Hanna boys while Jenny took Felicity for her 5-year old vaccinations. I got Arrow to sleep by wearing him in a sling and then took the whole sling off, with him in it, and put him down in the chair. I still got it!! Isn't he sweet?

And then there's New Year's Eve! Who wouldn't enjoy a hot date with this young man and "Ice Age - Continental Drift?"

And the finale? God is so good! He surprised me with a visit from Tammera and her family. Her wonderful husband is sensitive to her need and desire to be with her family and so they drove out from Tucson, bringing sweet Audrey, Asher, and brand new baby Callan. Callan was only 11 days old when they arrived! Eli knew they might not get another opportunity to come out any time soon and so, though it was a long and arduous trip, they came! They left yesterday and though it's sad, I'm left with the memory of their precious fellowship.

My dad, meeting Callan for the first time. (By the way, Callan is wearing a sleeper that I bought for him. I had bought the same one for Arrow. You know, how cute would that be? Cousins, two months apart, in matching outfits. Arrow never got to wear his.  :(  He was too big!)

Can you see the difference between the two boys? I know, it's subtle. Look closely!  :)

Lissy will be a wonderful mother one day, just like her mama! 

 A rare occasion - all eight of my grandchildren in my living room. I told the girls that I didn't care what shape the kids were in. I just wanted them all in the same photo. Praise God! This is as good as it gets.

And here they all are with my dad and me- just prior to meltdown!

And so I sit here tonight, reflecting on the year. We've had our struggles, no doubt. I still have much to work through. But really? How can I complain? Look at these pictures! I am overflowing with gratitude to God!

My Weekend

Once again, I find myself awake. It is 1:15 in the morning and though I have to work in just a few hours, my brain appears not to be concerned by that minor detail. So...my thoughts turn to my weekend. It was amazing. I am thrilled that I can say that because at times, it was touch and go. The weekend could have gone either way. Thanks to my wonderful family, I have some beautiful memories to store away.

My weekend starts on Thursday night since I don't work on Fridays. I've been taking a Biblical Counseling class on Thursdays from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. It is a fascinating class but it makes for a very long day. This week, the class was cancelled at the last minute because the teacher was sick. Though I felt bad about that, I was somewhat relieved. I was feeling a bit rundown and was also struggling to get into the "Christmas spirit". I decided to do a little Christmas decorating with the sudden free hours. I managed to set up a couple of artificial trees (I had decided last year to skip a live tree because I didn't want to have to ask for help in getting it.) I love the lights so I like to set up multiple trees. I went slow Friday morning but then got going and cleaned the kitchen, dining room, and living room. That may not sound too exciting but I felt so much better. I like a clean and tidy house, especially during the holidays. Then I rewarded myself with a little sewing time and got a skirt put on the dress I've been working on for Felicity. After that, it was time to get all gussied up to accompany my dad to the Senior Banquet at church. It was a pleasure to spend the evening with him and I was reminded of how fortunate I am to have him and to have such a close relationship with him.

Saturday morning I continued to attempt to do a bit of decorating and also tackled cleaning my room and bathroom. I was beginning to lag, however, and I realized that the whole "decorating for Christmas" thing all by myself was starting to get me down. I kept at it, though, as if sheer will power would change my attitude. Mid-day, I got a phone call from Tammera, my daughter that lives in Tucson. She LOVES Christmas so her enthusiasm is infectious. She is expecting her 3rd baby any day now. It was so fun just to hear her voice. I miss her a lot! Later that evening, I had a long phone conversation with Sarah and we talked of serious things and I was again struck by how blessed I am. My girls care so much for me and I am so glad that we can talk about most anything. Later, my oldest grandson, Gabriel, came over and was spending the night with me. I had set up a little Christmas corner in my bedroom with a couple of very small trees. At first I thought it might be a bit pathetic, to have Christmas trees in my bedroom. But as I said, I love the lights, so I decided to relax and enjoy them. Gabriel and I sat in relative darkness, in front of the trees, and I read him the Christmas story. He loves the part where the angel Gabriel speaks to Mary. This kid keeps me on my toes. When I read about the angel telling Mary that she would have a baby who would be God's Son, he asked, "Isn't that like Mary being God's wife?" He is 9 years old and we proceeded to have a conversation about how God planned for Jesus to be born, Jesus being both God and man and also talked about the concept of the Trinity (in very basic terms). What a privilege it is for me to have this time to share with him. On a lighter note, we then climbed up into the attic, a space that is accessed by a ladder in my closet. He isn't usually allowed up there but we got comfortable on a blanket surrounded by all the junk that I store up there and we read "Horton Hatches the Egg". He thought it was pretty cool and suggested that we sleep in the attic. As good an idea as that was, I opted out for the night and suggested we plan ahead so that we could actually make a bed instead of making Grammy sleep on the plywood.

This morning found me helping in Kian's Sunday School class where I have somehow ended up volunteering "temporarily". Each week, I enter reluctantly, but each week I leave being glad that I was there. I am helping my friend, Armida, who felt God called her to pitch in when the revered Miss Pam moved down south. I just sort of tagged along thinking that I couldn't let my friend tackle it alone. So here we are, two relatively old women, trying to manage about a dozen 2, 3, and 4 year olds. Thank goodness for the teenage girls who have taken pity on us and come to help out. We'd be lost without them.

After church, Jen and Zac informed me that they were coming to my house to help me finish decorating. They knew I had been struggling a little with that whole project. Zac has been very sensitive to that and has initiated a day for the last couple of years to get me going. I took their 3 oldest home with me while they went to buy a dishwasher. The whole "reading in the attic" had been so successful with Gabriel that I decided to repeat the experience with the Hanna kids. They each picked out a book and climbed eagerly up to the attic where we read while we waited for Jen and Zac to get done with their shopping and bring us pizza. While in the attic, the kids discovered some old Fisher Price toys that I had packed away so we got them down and they happily played with them for quite a while. Later, we added a newer Nativity set. They had no problem playing with the baby Jesus and the manger along side of the gas station.

Zac drug all the decorations out and we made quite a mess but we got the trees "dressed". Donny had to work today but evidence of his care for me was demonstrated when I found extra little trees very lovingly packed so neatly and the boxes labeled and the extension cord that I needed tied up in a nice bundle, all done last year when he helped me clean up after Christmas. Though Melissa wasn't with me, I knew she was home, happily sewing on the machine I had recently gotten for her. It does my heart good to know that she now shares my joy in sewing. 

Zac and the kids surprised me with a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies plus a delicious dinner of chicken, couscous and salad. Could the day get any better?

My dad joined us briefly...

Who can resist that chunk-o-monk?

So now I sit in the quiet of my room, enjoying the lights in my "corner", and reflecting on the blessing of family, the gift of God's Son, and the joy of a weekend that reminded me that I am not alone.

Christmas, 2011

I want to remember this Christmas. Why? Was it spectacular? Maybe not. But it wasn't last Christmas and that's what counts. If you want to get caught up, read about last Christmas here. Come hell or high water, I had determined that this Christmas would be better! And praise God, it was! So I want to remember because it will give me hope as the new year begins. Perhaps we are through the worst of things but perhaps not. It doesn't matter. God is in control and I can trust Him with my life and with the lives of those I love.


Our meager goal:

Some of the kids had come over on a Sunday a few weeks before Christmas and helped me decorate the house. I just haven't had the heart for it since Paul left. Also, my mom died this past May and though she had been in a nursing home and hadn't been here for Christmas for several years, it would be the first one she would be celebrating in heaven. I love sitting in a darkened living room with nothing but the Christmas lights on. Everything looks beautiful and peaceful. Sometimes I am tempted to permanently install some twinkle lights but I'm afraid the kids might think I was a little off. I have always aspired to be "eccentric" though, so maybe that would be a good start. Anyway, we made a day of it. We went to church (always a struggle, but that's another story), went and bought my tree, came home and ate crock pot chicken soup and corn muffins and decorated. Chaos, confusion, and clutter. It was wonderful!

And so the countdown to Christmas began. I usually like to sew some for Christmas but I hadn't gotten an early enough start. I did manage to make a few ornaments.

These were made for Gabriel, Logan, Felicity, and Kian. I also made Tammera an owl ornament but from a different pattern and I made her an owl pin cushion for her birthday but I forgot to take pictures of those. Though it hardly counts as "crafting", I also made multiple batches of homemade Kahlua. Very tasty!

Christmas Eve arrived. We went to church and then met at my house for our traditional soup supper and the opening of the stockings. Both Jason and my brother, Tim, were sick and so were unable to join us. We have really simplified things and we just put some little things in the children's stockings and we only buy Christmas presents for the little ones also.

I am so blessed to have so much family here. I miss Tammera and her family terribly and of course, we all missed my mom. And I miss Paul though that might sound strange after all that's happened. There's been a breach and while God is repairing the damage done to the kids and I, it's a painful healing. But step by step, we are getting there.

Later Christmas Eve, the Hannas, Stivers, and myself watched the movie "The Bird Cage". I know, an odd choice for the season. Melissa and I find the movie hilarious but surprisingly, the rest of the crowd did not share our enthusiasm. In fact, their lack of appreciation for the subtle and classy humor in the movie detracted a little bit from the enjoyment that Melissa and I were hoping for. We'll watch it another night, just the two of us.

Church again on Christmas morning and then we had presents for the children and dinner later in the afternoon.

At dusk, we all went out to the front lawn to participate in one of Donny's favorite Christmas traditions: a silly string war! He had bought cans of silly string for kids and adults. We had a ball. Sarah filmed it because she was looking particularly gorgeous and Felicity ended up helping her because she wasn't thrilled with the mass commotion. (She did enjoy discharging her can, however, after everyone else had emptied theirs.) We can't wait to do this again next year!

All in all, it was a wonderful day in its normalcy, its lack of drama, its commonness. I was so grateful to get through the day and even more grateful to discover that I had enjoyed myself. There had been times when I never thought I'd truly laugh again.

I find that I am entering 2012 with a hope that I haven't felt in a while. But I also realize that this hope pales in comparison to the hope that is ours in Christ. I believe Satan has attempted to make me forget that and there have been moments when he almost succeeded. No matter what happens next, I know I can trust my Savior. I hope and pray that I can hang onto that promise this next year and reflect that assurance to my kids.

Psalm 25:5

     Guide me in your truth and teach me,
   for you are God my Savior,
   and my hope is in You all day long.

Psalm 42:11

   Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

   Why so disturbed within me?
   Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise Him,
   my Savior and my God.

Romans 15:13

   May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Christmas, a dog, and vodka

Last Christmas was sort of tragically pathetic, but since I have a rather sick sense of humor, I can chuckle about it today. I was remembering last Christmas because I have begun to think about the holidays. It's almost November and once again, the season has crept up on me and I will soon be feeling uninspired, overwhelmed, and frantic. I hate that. I wish I was the type of person who planned and prepared all year long. Who am I kidding? That is never going to happen. There might still be time, though, for me to put a little forethought into the holiday season. We'll see. Anyway, back to last Christmas...

It was my first Christmas without a husband (no, I'm not a widow, although violence has occasionally crossed my mind). My youngest and her family were in Arizona and could not come home for the holidays. The other three were going to have their own family stuff at their houses first and then everyone was going to come up to my house for Christmas dinner and gifts for the little ones. It was a different plan than we had done in the past but I think we were all feeling like we just couldn't do things the same as we had always done. It wasn't the same, never would be the same again, and we just couldn't face the hole that betrayal had left.

The kids did come over on Christmas Eve for our traditional soup supper and stocking fest. My dog, Dakota, seemed a bit off and I decided to keep her locked up in my bedroom for the evening. The little ones made her nervous even when she was feeling well. Dakota had been Jenny's dog until she left home and now was really my husband's but of course, when he bailed, he left her behind. For a while, she had looked for him every morning (they used to walk down to the mailbox together) and every evening for a little roughhousing. She had made the transition, finally, and now had settled for me. She'd always been a little crazy and high strung and even though she was 12 or 13 years old, she could still tear up our long driveway in front of my car. When I went to my room later that Christmas Eve, I realized that she wasn't in any shape to run. She was very sick and was throwing up constantly. I moved her to the hall bathroom where it would be easier to clean up and she continued to get sick. She seemed excessively thirsty but would almost immediately throw up any water she drank. This went on all night long. I felt horrible for her but didn't know what to do. Neither one of us slept and by morning we were both exhausted. I sensed that things were getting critical but it was Christmas Day and I was just trying to survive. My dad and brother were supposed to come for breakfast and then the kids and grandkids were coming later in the day.

My dad woke up that morning and wasn't feeling well so he called to say he would skip breakfast. My brother never showed up. It was just me and Dakota and we were in sad shape. I love having animals but I am filled with such heaviness when it becomes apparent that they are at the end of their lives. I had to face the fact that Dakota was dying. She was so sick. I tried to start on Christmas dinner and I checked on her every few minutes. She continued to worsen. Finally, I could stand it no longer. I left everything as it was in the kitchen, put her in my car, and drove to the 24 hour emergency vet clinic in Atascadero. I called the kids on the way down and they all insisted that they wanted to come with me but some things I just have to do alone. This was one of them. The people at the clinic were so kind and I sat on the floor with Dakota until she was gone. I was relieved that she was no longer suffering but it seemed such a depressing end to a very difficult year. I got so angry about the fact that I was dealing with this by myself instead of sharing it with Paul. But those thoughts weren't doing me any good. I was glad for the long drive home so that I could cry for Dakota, for myself, for my kids, for my marriage. It gave me time to pull myself together and suck it up. It was Christmas Day! Really, who puts their dog down on Christmas Day! It just didn't seem fair.

When I arrived home Donny and Melissa were already there and were working on the dinner and setting the table. Everyone else arrived shortly thereafter (Zac with a beautiful turkey) and all pitched in to get the meal on the table. My kids and their husbands were awesome and in spite of the dog glitch we still ate relatively on time. Later, I was sitting on the couch enjoying a White Trash Margarita (*recipe to follow) and reflecting on the day. I realized that I was so tired from being up all night and had been so consumed by dealing with the dog that I hadn't had the time or energy to cry about the devastation that was my life. Dakota was an old dog, She had been hit by cars three times and had survived a rattlesnake bite. She was a tough old girl but wasn't going to live much longer. God, in His graciousness, chose that particular Christmas. Should I have been rejoicing in the celebration of Christ's birth? Of course! But He knew that I was so wounded and raw from all that had happened and He also knew my heart and mind would be on all that was wrong that year. I'm so grateful for His mercy to me that day and I'm grateful that He doesn't expect perfection from me. He used Dakota's death to ease me through a day that otherwise would have been much more painful. I'm looking forward to this Christmas. It has to be better than last year! But I remember last year with thankfulness for a little black dog that stood by me until the end and for the God who knew just what I needed.

*White Trash Margarita


Mix equal parts of Limeade frozen concentrate (do not dilute) and Vodka in a blender. Add plenty of ice and blend until slushy. Enjoy! (Can also be made with frozen Pink Lemonade.)