Waking too early

Those who know me, even a little bit, know that I am NOT a morning person. I have struggled for years with the whole getting up process and would much rather be awake at 1 a.m. than at 6 a.m. So, yesterday, God woke me up at 4:15 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep. It was a work day so I finally decided to stay up and do a little Bible Study of some sort. Many loved ones and their situations seemed to be really heavy on my heart. I read some in the Bible, then read a little in a devotional. I had been feeling frustrated, knowing that God wanted more from me and yet, never feeling like I "did anything right" or that I had a clear sense anymore of what God wanted from me. I was obsessing over things that don't matter, like my weight and losing sight of the Lord. The devotional began to address that because it was talking about all the things we crave instead of God. As I read it, I remember thinking, "This is just what I needed!" Funny how God does that. Still sleepless, I decided to listen to an Andy Stanley sermon called "Asking Big". My sweet Tammera had sent it to me a very long time ago and I am ashamed to say that I had not taken the time to listen to it. As he talked about prayer, I realized that I had given up praying about many things, big things, heartbreaking things. While I completely believe that our God is a God of miracles, I had let my sadness over these situations and my heartbreak for the people involved discourage me from continuing to pray for them. My inability to do anything about another person's problems had kept me from the One who is capable of doing everything about their problems. How pompous of me!! I hadn't seen the lie for what it was. I thought I was burdened, weighed down for those I love, so much so that I couldn't pray any longer. But if I am truly burdened for them, I should be able to do nothing but pray. And pray. And pray. And pray!! The sermon challenged and convicted me. I also felt a little bit of excitement because I knew, without a doubt, that God had woken me for a purpose and that He was speaking to me. Last night at Bible Study, I listened as other women shared their own heartbreaks. We live in such a fallen, corrupt world but we have the hope! My fear now is that I won't pay enough attention to all that God has rattling around in my head right now and that I'll go back to old ways. I probably will, at times. But I also know that God lovingly tapped me on the shoulder yesterday morning, EARLY, and said, "Debbie, it's time. Time for you to get up and move on. Time for you to put some effort, some enthusiasm, some muscle, some desperation even, into your prayers. And time to listen better to Me." God has been so patient with me. I've spent several years now moping around in my own muck. My prayer today is, "Lord, let me be teachable. Give me ears to hear You better and a heart to obey." And if He has to wake me more often at four in the morning, so be it. Bring it on!

Profound Truths from "That 70's Show"

So don't mock me, but lately, I've been zoning out at night watching re-runs of the old classic, "That 70's Show". You know, I never realized how much truth was contained in those episodes. I mean, you do have to ignore the fact that all the kids want to do is get stoned or have sex. But beyond that? Well, there is an occasional nugget of wisdom.  For example...

I'm sure we've all known and even loved someone who just doesn't seem to have much to give. Their focus is always on themselves, though sometimes they can hide it pretty well, often for a very long time. Then, seemingly all of a sudden, lives are broken apart because they just can't keep it together any longer. The rest of us struggle to understand what happened.

Self-esteem:

"I figured it out. I know who I love the best. I love myself! I love myself the best! If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would!"  (Jackie)

I'm convinced that the hardest job in the world is raising kids. I did my best but it certainly wasn't always good enough. Kitty was the loving nurturer and Red was the hard ass but between them they opened their home to numerous teenagers trying to find their way and tag-teamed them to get them through. That's what I want for my own kids - to be moms and dads that work together, appreciating the differences that men and women bring to the parenting table and also always having room for someone else's kid.

Parenting:

"Are you trying to kill me? You're killing me. You know that? You're killing your mother. You only get one, you know."  (Kitty)

"How about a job stating the obvious because you're getting really good at that!"  (Red)

"Honey, I'm sorry if I smothered you. That's just what a mother does. But I've accepted that you're leaving and I'm ready to let you go."  (Kitty)

Eric sort of represents the sinner we all are. He tried hard, sometimes succeeded, often failed. He got down on himself a lot and always attempted to live his life using his own limited strength and know-how. He waited until he was desperate before he turned to anyone else for help. I'm embarrassed to say that is too often my approach and I leave God out of the equation until He graciously brings me to my knees.

Human Nature:

"I ruined it. And I knew I was ruining while I was ruining it. I just kept on ruining it."  (Eric)

"Bad things happen because I am stupid!"  (Eric)

It seems that throughout our lives we will be engaged in a strange dance with other people, trying to get along, understand each other, work and/or live together, and attain peace in our personal lives. It is fascinating to me to watch the people around me as they two-step their way through their day. However, it isn't so fascinating when it involves me. There are times when I feel pretty good about how I relate to others. And then there are the times when I am an idiot and there's nothing more to be said about it. No matter how you slice it, relationships take work.   

Relationships:

"You don't cut open the sausage. You just eat it."  (Hyde)

"But I love you, Donna." "I love you, too, Eric. But it's not enough." (Donna & Eric)

"Well, you know I love my family. It's just some times I want to get in the car and run 'em all over."  (Kitty)

We really are an entitled bunch and so often have the attitude that pain and suffering or inconvenience should not come to us. When my husband left, I was dumbfounded with disbelief and I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to twist away from that hurt. The reality is that we live in a world corrupted by sin and that is going to color our lives until we are reunited with Christ. Instead of stamping my feet and demanding to know why something has happened, I need to buckle down, deal with the situation, and look for what God will teach me through it. I also need to be grateful that though difficulties are all around us, I am NEVER alone. God walks right there next to me. 

Reality:

"You know what I got for my 18th birthday? A draft notice and a malaria vaccine. I never had time to think." (Red)

Honestly, I've struggled with boundaries. I am a people-pleaser and a peacemaker. I don't want anyone mad at me or disappointed in me. I usually try to do what people want me to do even if I don't have time or if I resent what they are asking of me. Often, I have not stood up for myself when I should have. It's something that I'm working on and something that I wish I had learned a long time ago.

Appropriate Boundaries:

"I can't touch an egg."
"Why not?"
"Because it came out of a chicken butt!"   (Jackie & Kitty)

I like to think that I am a fairly straightforward person, blunt even, but honest. So I always appreciated Hyde's approach. The only thing is, in my quest for honesty, I have frequently hurt someone's feelings and that's no good. I swing from one extreme to the other, blurting out something that is really how I feel to swallowing thoughts in order not to offend. Balance in life is tough. The Bible has much to say about our words and about truth. I need to study that more!!

Honesty:

"Well, I don't really have a speech prepared, but ... thanks for sucking."  (Hyde)

I don't have anything profound to say about food. I want to eat or drink whatever I want, whenever I want, and I want to weigh 120 pounds while doing it. Whatever...

Healthy Eating:

"Kitty, this isn't food. This is what food eats!" (Red)

I hate to admit it but, though I love Kitty's character on the show, I realize that I have a way about me that is similar to Red's. I want to encourage my kids, I try to encourage my kids, but in the end, I too often deliver the message in a backhanded way that makes them feel bad, or leaves them conflicted about what I'm saying. I've always got a "but..." or a "here's an idea..." or a "maybe you could have done this..." . Why can't I just say "good job" or "keep it up" or "I'm so proud of you" or "I'll pray for you" and then leave it at that? I am of the misguided opinion that the world is just waiting for my words of wisdom and that thriving in this world depends on me! It's foolishness on my part and another thing to work on.

Encouragement:

"I've got to admit, Eric. I had my doubts. But hell, you've hardly embarrassed me." (Red)

Lastly, at least for now, is the recognition that we are all in need of some serious rehabilitation. Thankfully, God is patient with us. He gently points out our faults and guides us in His way. We need to recognize His hand and trust that His way is the best way to go.

Sin:

"I can't believe any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames."  (Kitty)

Negative Thoughts

I've gotten into a bad habit lately. (Well, actually, I've developed quite a few bad habits over the last few years and those bad habits have led to the one that I am pondering today.) My very first thought, each morning, the second I awaken, is "How bad was I last night?" And then my mind replays the evening. How many hours did I waste watching mindless T.V.? Or how long did I do absolutely nothing on the computer? How bad did I overeat? Did I have wine with dinner? How many hours of much needed sleep did I miss out on because I refused to turn out the light and go to bed? Seriously, this scenario plays out every single morning. It's an assessment of my behavior, a scorecard in a way. I am not a morning person. If I could have a job where I didn't have to be at work until noon, I'd be a happy camper. So when morning is already a foreign time zone and I am already suffering from jet lag, to wake up to these sorts of thoughts just adds insult to injury.

Now, the truth is that I do usually do all those things. I especially overeat and stay up way too late. And I am paying for it physically. Every morning, when I tally up my failures, I end up feeling like I am such a disappointment to God. But this whole cycle frustrates me. I know that God doesn't want me to allow all His joy to be sucked out of me. I know He doesn't love me any less because I have gained weight. But I also know that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and I can't get me none of that!! I'm so tired of this constant self degradation. I could have been one of those super religious people long ago that went around beating on themselves.

So how do I find a balance? How do I live in the freedom of my position in Christ but also strive to be the woman He wants me to be? I know that I need to make changes in the way I live and truthfully, I want to make those changes. But I sense that God did not design me to live with this weight always on me. Maybe that is the bigger sin. If I am precious to God and if He loves me as I am, imperfect and struggling, then I think I need to have a different attitude about myself. It's as if I'm saying, "God, You didn't do a good enough job on me so I've got to help You. I've got to summon up my own strength to add to Yours. I've got to give You the boost You need so that together, we can make me good enough."

I force myself to write sometimes because as I get my thoughts written down I can hear how ridiculous I sound. It helps give me perspective. Obviously, God does not need my help with anything. And my salvation is assured, always and forever, whether I eat goldfish crackers and chocolate for dinner or not. Do I need to work on a few things? Of course. But do I need to obsess about them? No. I'm not sure what to do about all this and I have no answers but I'm hoping that by thinking and praying and searching the scriptures, I'll get a better handle on what God is asking of me.

Fuses

A couple of weeks ago, Melissa and I traveled down to Yucaipa for a baby shower for my niece. We took the Camry that my dad had recently handed down to me.

http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2013/04/another-car-story.html

It was a really long trip but Melissa is good company and we had a lot of fun. Anyway, the Camry enabled us to have a GPS plugged into one power outlet and a phone recharging on the other power outlet, a luxury that my Buick hadn't had. Everything worked great. But then, the next weekend, I plugged in my phone and realized that I was getting no power. I tried the other outlet - nothing. I was bummed. I mean, I've got to be able to have constant available power for all these gadgets, right? The car was going to be going into the shop soon for routine servicing but rather than depend on someone else I decided to break down and read the car manual and see if I could figure it out.

After a bit of studying, I came to the conclusion that it must be a fuse. I set about attempting to find and replace the damaged fuses. I was impressed to read in the manual that some extra fuses were provided. How convenient! And, there was even a little plastic fuse-getter-outer to use to try and grab those little suckers. My fat, stubby fingers didn't do so well with that, though, so I resorted to using needle nose pliers to remove the fuses. My first attempt, however, didn't produce any results. I realized that there were several fuse locations. I wasn't reading the manual carefully enough and the first fuse I replaced went to, well, I don't know what it went to. It just didn't fix my power outlets. I tried again and realized that I was in the totally wrong fuse area. I was trying to replace fuses that were in the fuse box under the hood when I needed to be replacing fuses located under my dashboard. O.K. Got it. I eventually figured out which fuses needed to be replaced, and voila! I had power again. I was so proud of myself! In fact, I was feeling so cocky that I even posted it on Facebook, like it was some miraculous accomplishment. I mean, I was really proud...

Now if you look at the picture in the following link, you will see the location of the spare fuses. This is an important detail that we will come back to later.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10200904439675596&l=33cb8b4dda

Several nights later I was out at Jenny's house visiting while Zac was working out of town. Melissa was there too and she walked me out when I got ready to head home. I started the car, turned on the headlights, and started to back out of Jen's driveway. Hmmm...I noticed that I had no headlights. Turned them off, then on again. Nope. Tried the high beams. Yea! I had high beams but still no low. I could have driven home with the high beams on all the way but I would have pissed off a few people.

It suddenly occurred to me that this just couldn't be coincidental. After all, I had been messing around with the fuses. Melissa thought I was crazy but I was determined to get to the bottom of this before I left Jenny's. So, once again, I got out the manual, my flashlight, and the fuse-getter-outer. Read the manual again. Turns out that I had grabbed fuses that were above the spares when I had done my fabulous repair job. Didn't read the diagram quite right. So...I had taken the low beam fuses from their proper position and put them in the spot for the power outlets. I could charge my phone but drive in the dark.

Back they went into their appropriate spots. I drove home happily and the next day I went to Wal-Mart and bought more fuses. Now my power outlets are once again working, as are my headlights, and I have extra fuses in my glove box. (It had turned out that I didn't have enough spares.)

The moral of this story? Does there need to be one? I still feel pretty good about getting it all fixed myself but I have to laugh about posting my good deed so early on Facebook. Ah, pride. Gets me every time.

Another Car Story

In case you haven't followed my previous car posts, you might want to get caught up first. You can look here,

http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-car.html

and here,

http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2012/04/birthday-tribute-to-my-dad.html.

And now, here is one more car story:

Thursday afternoon

Me:  "Good afternoon, Dr. Iversen's office. This is Debbie."

Man's voice:  "What time can you be at my house tomorrow to sign papers?"

Me:  "Dad?"

Dad:  "Yes. What time can you be at my house tomorrow?"

Me:  "What for?"

Dad:  "I'll tell you about it later. It has to do with my car. What time?"

Me:  "Dad! I'm at work. I can't talk about this right now. What have you done?"

Dad:  "Just give me a time."

Me:  "Oh, for heaven's sake. 2:00 p.m."

Dad:  "Great. I'll explain later. Bye."

I called my dad as soon as I got off work. He quickly explained that he had gone to San Luis that day and bought himself a car. Actually, another car! (See links to previous posts above.) I was speechless. My dad will be 87 in just a few weeks. He is a remarkable man and I admire him greatly. But I must say, in the last couple of years, he has gotten a bit impulsive. (For example, the inflatable kayak that showed up one day.) But this was the second car that he had bought, without a word to me, until after it was a done deal. He wanted me at his house the next day because the new car was being delivered. He puts everything in my name, as well as his these days, so my presence was required so that I could sign the DMV paperwork.

I wanted to get after him about his capriciousness but I couldn't. I knew why he had done it. I've been driving a very old Buick for quite a while. It has almost 200,000 miles on it, the driver's side window doesn't role down, the rear passenger door doesn't open from the inside, the driver's side headlight is duct-taped on, etc. He's been worrying about me, a poor, single, old, frail woman, driving alone in a questionable car. I knew what was coming.

Friday afternoon

"I want you to have my Camry. I'd feel better about that. Don't argue with me. Are you going to rob me of the joy I get in helping you out?"

Stab! Now I know where I get my ability to lay the guilt on my girls. I inherited it from him. What could I say? I'm a parent, too. The drive to care for our kids never really goes away. Wouldn't I do something similar for one of my daughters if I was able? About that time, the sales manager from the car dealership drove up in the new car, followed by one of his employees in another car. The new car is a bronze colored Honda of some sort, very nice looking, a couple of years old and only 12,000 miles on it.

While Dad was writing the check the sales manager said to me, "Where's your old Buick? This Camry will be a much better car for you." I looked at Dad and said, "What did you do? Tell him my life story?" I turned back to the salesman and said, "It's not that I'm not grateful. It's just that at 60, I'd sort of like to think I was a bit independent." He replied, "Oh, I imagine you're independent and probably a bit feisty!"

Feisty? Hmm, I gotta tell you honestly, just as an aside, that comment made my day. Anyway, as he was leaving I said, "Listen, the next time he shows up in your dealership, CALL ME FIRST!"

The business was concluded and I hugged my dad and told him how much I really did appreciate all he does for me. We then proceeded to admire his new car.

"I hope it at least has better visibility than your Camry. That has some pretty significant blind spots. Can you see out of it better?"

Long pause..."Well, I don't know." Another long pause..."I didn't test drive it."

I was stunned. "Does it have cruise control?"

Long pause..."Well, I don't know." Another long pause..."I didn't sit in it."

Who does that? Who buys a car on a whim just because it's a low mileage Honda? Who doesn't sit in the car or test drive it? And who gives away his perfectly good Camry?

My sweet, wonderful, loving, caring, humble father. Hasn't God blessed me?

The Race

Friday is my day off and I usually have an appointment or two in town that requires me to be presentable. I LOVE the Fridays where I get to stay home all day and be a slob. Today was one of those days. No appointments, the house reasonably clean, grocery shopping done, a day to sleep in...except I didn't. I woke up early and I was bummed about that. I am always operating on too little sleep and even when I do try, sleep is elusive. So when my eyes popped open before 7:30 a.m., I was not too happy. When by 8:00 a.m. I was still unable to go back to sleep, I decided that maybe today was a good opportunity to turn over a new leaf, at least for an hour or two. Why not get up and go for a walk/run up Peachy Canyon? Why not? Because I am a woman who hates exercise! Hates it!! However, I do tend to feel guilty about not exercising, and a walk up Peachy is pretty pleasant, especially when I have the time. O.K. I would do it. 

I staggered out of bed only to notice out the window that it was raining. Ah, shucks. There went my walk. I was up, though, so I decided to do some Bible Study. I got some coffee, turned on my electric blanket, and settled in. It was awesome just to relax, read the Bible, do my study, go off on rabbit trails about why the sons of Korah weren't destroyed (Numbers 16 and 26), and really take my time pondering the lesson. Eventually, I got up to start laundry and the dishwasher and realized that it was no longer raining. I figured I may as well get moving so I got dressed for a walk. I drove my car down to the bottom of the driveway where I left it. I'm no fool - I was going for a walk but I certainly had no intention of hoofing it back up my driveway. If you've been out to my house you understand why.

Anyway, off I went. There is a marker one mile up the road so on the rare occasion that I do go walking, I head for that marker and then turn around and come back and figure two miles is good enough. I tried to go at a pretty decent pace because I wanted this to count. After a while, when the road was level, I jogged (slowly) for short periods of time. Bear in mind that I am about as out of shape as I can be and I am also a bit old. I picked an object or spot some distance ahead of me, kept my eyes on that goal, and ran until I reached that spot. I don't like to breathe hard, I don't like to sweat, I don't like to get tired and winded. I have no stamina and really no discipline or determination to exercise. However, I found that by setting a goal and keeping my eyes on it, I was able to accomplish reaching that goal. 

I thought of Hebrews 12:1-3,

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

and also Philippians 3:13-14.

13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Definition of PERSEVERANCE: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition

It wasn't that easy for me but I was pleased to make it home and also glad that God brought to mind these verses as encouragement for me. I discovered that if I looked down, essentially taking my eyes off the prize (the prize being able to walk instead of run), I could not see the progress I was making. I could only see my steps right in front of me. I lost track of how far I had to go. It was only when I kept my eyes lifted up, fixed on my goal, that I was able to keep running and push myself to reach the spot and not give up. At one point, I chose to run towards a mailbox that I knew was up ahead but it was around the corner and unseen. But I knew it was there. I ran towards it and when I finally rounded the corner and could see the mailbox, I realized that it was a bit farther than I recalled. But I persevered because that was my goal and I made it.

I need to remember this as I plod through my days. I am headed for heaven, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I am definitely on my way! Eternal fellowship with Christ is my prize. It's easy for me to look down, to concentrate on all my struggles here on earth. My family is not unique - all families have troubles, concerns, tragedies, setbacks, sadness, disappointments, unfulfilled desires, and sickness. It's all part of living with the affects of sin. But we can make a choice to look up, to recognize that our goal and our prize is ahead of us. This life on earth, praise God, is not all there is. I forget to let God encourage me with this confidence and I get bogged down sometimes. I take my eyes off Him. The other thing I realized on my walk this morning is that I needed to keep going. When I got to the spots where I walked again instead of running, the temptation was to stop completely. I wanted to sit by the side of the road and wait for some stranger to drive by and take pity on me and drive me home. We don't get much traffic out this way, though, so I just kept moving. It didn't matter how slowly I went. The important thing was that I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, I caught my breath, and the walk was a little easier, and then I'd run a bit more. Isn't life like that too? God gives us breathers but we have to do our part. We have to keep going. It is keeping our eyes on Jesus that enables us to not grow weary or lose heart. Isn't God creative? I finally get myself my sorry self out the door for some exercise and He throws a spiritual challenge into the mix. 

And for that...I'm eternally grateful!

For Jenny

Tomorrow is Jenny's birthday. She is my second daughter. I remember how thrilled I was being a mother. Sarah, my first, filled my world. When I got pregnant with Jenny I was fearful. I couldn't imagine loving another child as much as I loved Sarah. I wondered how I could fit another one into my life without subtracting something from the first. But then sweet Jenny was born and I realized that as mothers, God gives us the capacity for unlimited love. Maybe it sounds silly now, to be afraid that I couldn't love enough, but I was a young mom and didn't know any better. All I wanted was to be the best wife and mother that I could be. Jenny was born  at 1:12 in the afternoon, 6 pounds, 9 ounces, 19 1/2 inches long, (yes, Jenny, I had to look that up ☺) with a full, uncontrollable head of hair. For months, her hair stuck straight up in a natural mohawk. When we took her out anywhere, that's all anyone commented on.

Her hair eventually settled down and she was a beautiful little girl. She was extremely shy and hated being the center of attention. For several years, she cried at her birthday parties or at Christmas when it was her turn to open presents. She would eventually relax but not while all eyes were on her.

Jenny developed a love for all animals. It started with Brandy, a half lab, half golden retriever, that we got when Jen was just a baby. She and Brandy were inseparable. In fact, the first year we had Brandy, every time I yelled at the puppy (because you know, puppies are a pain), Jenny would fall down crying because she thought I was yelling at her. Brandy lived a long and happy life. She made the move with us to Paso and lived to be 16 years old - the best dog we ever had.

Jenny managed to coax a stray cat home from the bus stop one day and convinced us to keep her. Snowball also lived a very long life and was so dear to Jen. Snowball was very patient - Jenny was known to put her in the basket of her two-wheeled bike and fly down the street with her.

Many other animals followed and all were loved. Jenny talked us into getting the infamous Dakota, a dog that was absolutely loyal but trouble from the get-go. Rabbits, turtles, and lots more cats filled our home and now  fill Jenny's own home.

Years flew by...

and then, she met the love of her life.

Jenny had trusted her life to Jesus when she was very young. And now, she knew that God had brought this young man, Zac Hanna, into her life. She met him while she was still in high school and they were working together at Big 5. They fell in love quickly and were engaged in 1999 and married June 17, 2000.

And the years continued to fly by. Seemingly, all of a sudden, my baby has four babies of her own! She is an amazing woman of God, wife, mother, teacher, seamstress, writer, photographer, gardener, homemaker, and now, not just my daughter, but my friend. I am so blessed by her! Happy Birthday, sweet Jenny! I love you so mush!*

*When Jenny was little, spelling was not her best subject. She wrote me many cards where she told me she, "loved me so mush."