But...

I'm sitting here this morning in the peace and quiet and looking out my living windows. I've been thinking a lot as the holidays approach. I was  praying and asking the Lord to show me... show me something. And yet at the same time, it was a half-hearted prayer. I really just wanted to sit and ruminate, but on my own thoughts, not God's.

I love to watch the birds out the window. I finally filled the hummingbird feeder the other day so there is plenty of activity there. Poor things, I hadn't filled it all year. I'm not sure how they survived without me - I guess they had to get their nourishment right from the source that God gave them. You know - flowers and all that natural stuff. They prefer my sugar water, though, because it's so easy to get. Hmmm, I'll have to come back to that thought.

Next, I noticed a bird's nest in the tree out front. It hadn't been visible before because it was hidden in the leaves. But we had a tremendous wind storm out here the other night. In just a few hours, the wind blew all the leaves off the tree. I have bird houses all over the place and none of them has ever been occupied! This nest is actually perched just a few feet above a very nice bird house that I had stuck in that tree. Apparently, the birds prefer the higher location, the effort in building the nest, and the surroundings of the tree instead of my wooden house. Again, all that natural stuff. Again, I must come back to that thought.

So, my friend Janine challenged my daughter, Melissa, to write down 100 things she is thankful for. I've been thinking a lot about that. Jenny just wrote a blog about her struggles of late and all that she is thankful for. She also got me to pondering gratitude. I confidently thought to myself, "Oh, I'm plenty grateful." But you know what? I'm not. Not really. Why not? I think it's because there is a big "but" in my life.

I think this is what I'm saying to God:
     "I'm grateful for the kids but...I don't have a husband to keep me company."
     "I'm grateful for my grandkids but...I don't have a husband to share that with."
     "I'm grateful for this beautiful place I live in...but I don't have a husband to sit in front of the fireplace with."

You get the idea. I'm withholding gratitude because I don't think I deserve what has happened to me. I don't think I can ever be quite whole again. I don't think I can ever be completely satisfied. Me, me, me! That has been my focus for far too long. And even I am getting sick of myself.

So now let's go back to the birds and what I can learn from them.

     Do I really think that the hummingbirds had a panic attack when I quit filling their feeder last year? Did they hover together and wonder how they were ever going to feed themselves now that Debbie's Diner was closed? How about my little family of birds in the tree? When all the leaves blew off and revealed their hiding place did they think, "Wow, we should have stayed down below there at Brown's Bed and Breakfast!"?
I seriously doubt it. No, they depended on their Maker for food and shelter, life itself, and accepted God's goodness without question. The birds don't gripe about their life being too hard. Seriously, have you ever seen an unhappy bird?

And one last thought - I never would have seen that beautiful nest silhouetted in the tree if the wind storm hadn't removed all the leaves. I know God is working in my life! I may feel like I'm having to work way too hard just to survive but God's bounty awaits me.  I might still feel like I'm in the midst of the storm but God's beauty will eventually be revealed. So I'm taking up Janine's and Jenny's "Thankfulness Challenge". I'm making a list and checking it twice. Anyone want to join me?

Matthew 6:25-27

English Standard Version (ESV)

 ²⁵ "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?