I have been sick for almost two months and I am finally feeling a bit better so I decided that today was the day I just HAD to clean my room. After all, I was sharing my bed with crushed potato chips and pretzel salt. (Chips were mine, salt was the grandkids'.) I determined to do a very thorough job. I did and I'm thrilled with the results. But sometime during the middle of this process, I came across some papers that I had tucked away several years ago. I read through them one last time and then... I burned them, slowly, one at a time.
You may be wondering why this is significant enough to write about. After all, I enjoy burning stuff as much as the next guy. But these pages were special, in a way, and I'm not sure yet how I feel about their loss. There weren't many - maybe half a dozen - but they spoke of things deep and buried in my heart. There was a letter that I had written Paul shortly before he left me, e-mails between he and I after he left, and several e-mails between he and the girls, also after he left. The emotions expressed in these writings were so raw and gut-wrenching. I knew I had saved these pages and occasionally I had taken them out and read them again, just like I had done today.
I had thought that perhaps the time had come to let go of them. Previously, they had served to remind me of how bad things had been and helped me see how far I had come. They also served to remind me of how deceived and "off" Paul had become during that time in his life. Sometimes, when I would remember our life together, I felt like I was looking at it, at Paul, through rose-colored glasses. I tended to downplay the ugliness that had transpired and think of the good memories. I don't think that is wrong, necessarily. Paul certainly wasn't/isn't all bad and we had a lot of good years together. At least I thought so. But I didn't always see him with a proper perspective and these pages I had written back then had brought some reality to my clouded outlook. I suppose it was sort of a defensive mechanism. It kept me, at times, from throwing caution to the wind and begging him to come back to me.
The fact of the matter is, Paul will always be a part of me. That is how God designed marriage and just because Paul is no longer physically in my presence does not mean that he has been cut out of my heart. This is one of those things that I have to live with much like Donny and Melissa live with infertility or Chris Pickens lives with A.L.S. None of us are spared the pain that this corrupt world brings. However...when Paul first left, I knew I would survive. I knew immediately that it wouldn't kill me. Thankfully, I had enough faith to reassure me of that. But I never planned or imagined that I might be living victoriously through this hardship.
I think that in my mind initially, living victoriously meant God bringing him back to me, restoring our marriage, being one of the few that survived infidelity. But who am I to define what "victorious living" really is? Maybe it means being where I am today - a woman just beginning to grasp the magnitude of God's grace in my life, just beginning to understand the privilege and power that there is in praying for my family (yes, including Paul), just beginning to realize that joy is mine in Christ, regardless of my circumstances. Is my situation any harder, more unique, more distressing or discouraging than yours? NO! We all bear burdens in this life - family members who don't know the Lord, loss and grief, aging parents, aging ourselves, children's heartaches, sinful choices. The list is endless.
I'm encouraged by my "book burning". God is so patient and loving with me, with all of us. He allowed me to keep those reminders for as long as I needed to. But then, He gently allowed me to release the heartache they represented to Him, to let Him deal with it. I am trusting Him that I don't need to be reminded any longer of those dark days. My circumstances haven't changed and I still have much to pray about. But I am just a little closer to realizing the victorious life that is mine to claim as a child of God. And even as I cry through my prayers for all the situations that weigh on me, I feel the blossom of joy blooming inside me, knowing that God has got it all under control!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Signs That I Have Been Really Sick
I haven't had a Goldfish Cracker in 2 weeks.
I have a bag in the other room that is full of $50 worth of chocolate for Christmas treats that I never made and I haven't broken into it. (Yet)
I let Jenny and Zac make all of Christmas Eve dinner. (Fabulous job, by the way.)
I was relatively unconcerned when the first batch of brandy sauce for the bread pudding had to be thrown into the orchard.
I let the kids put together all of Christmas Day dinner, including the famous family lasagna.
I'm using Kleenex from a box that Jenny's puppy chewed and slobbered on because I haven't felt well enough to get up and get a new box.
I haven't enjoyed a glass of wine in 2 weeks.
I let myself be taken to the ER where I was bossed around for 4 hours by Sarah. (Also, a fabulous job.)
I then let myself be babysat by Melissa overnight and all the next day. (A 3rd fabulous job.)
I let the puppy (Jenny's) have the Reader's Digest to chew up rather than get up to find him a doggy toy.
I have a personal bond with the characters on "Modern Family."
I actually had to ask for help. And I had to accept it!
I've spent $300 in co-pays in just one week.
My T.V. is overheated.
I haven't worn earrings in 2 weeks.
I had $10 in Kohl's cash that was expiring in 2 days. I couldn't make it to Kohl's so I ... (gasp) gave it to Sarah!
I actually had to ask for help. And I had to accept it!
I've spent $300 in co-pays in just one week.
My T.V. is overheated.
I haven't worn earrings in 2 weeks.
I had $10 in Kohl's cash that was expiring in 2 days. I couldn't make it to Kohl's so I ... (gasp) gave it to Sarah!
Monday, December 30, 2013
A Crisis of Faith
I've been sick for almost the whole month of December. Maybe that's it - my excuse for how I'm feeling. Or maybe just because the holidays are still a little hard, now that our family dynamics have changed - Paul gone, my mom too. I want to find some freedom from the burdens that I'm carrying but I can't. For reasons I don't understand I have lost faith to some degree. I didn't recognize it for a long time. But I realize that I have taken on so much anxiety and am assuming so much responsibility for so many things. I've always had that tendency but I had been working hard on that issue. I thought I was doing pretty well. Maybe that's my excuse - I'm tired. Tired of trying to keep it all together, trying to put on a happy face, trying to pretend that it's all good. But there is no excuse. I know that. When I get anxious that means that I am trying to play God, plain and simple. I am not accepting the circumstances that He has allowed in my life. I am not believing that He knows best. I am not claiming what is mine as a child of the King. God, forgive me.
How long have I been procrastinating? How many nights have I watched T.V. until I could no longer keep my eyes open just so I could avoid talking to God about my fears? Again, it didn't feel like a conscience choice. I didn't see what I was doing. And maybe this makes no sense because you haven't avoided God. But I have. Thankfully, God is pointing that out to me. And I am ashamed.
James 1:6-8
"But let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
There are some things that I don't pray about very often and yet they are huge, personal heartaches. They are on my mind almost constantly. So why don't I pray about them constantly? I think because, if I am honest, I don't really believe God is going to change anything. I acknowledge that God could change them, but doubt that He will. Why? The Bible tells me that God longs to bless me. Me! In spite of all my weaknesses, my unspoken doubts and fears, because He loves me, He wants to bless me. Why can't I accept that fully? It's as if I think I still have to pay for my sins. Again - playing God. God wants to favor me but I have to trust Him to do it. I can't do it myself.
Instead of avoiding God because I am doubting, I need to run to Him and confess. I need to remember that I can bring anything to Him without fear, even my weak faith. And it is God, Himself, who will strengthen my faith. I cannot force my faith to grow merely by my own willpower. I am such a slow learner. I know this stuff. And then I set aside what I know. I think that's why I write about it. Not only does it help clarify for me what I'm thinking but it serves as a reminder of what God is teaching me. I'll need reminders often.
So now what? No fireworks going off. No radical, overnight change. I am, though, reassured. God knows me, He chose me, and He will never leave me. He always listens to me and is surprised by nothing. He will lift me out of this dark little hole that I've crawled into if only I ask.
Psalm 34:4
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 62:5-6
"My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken."
How long have I been procrastinating? How many nights have I watched T.V. until I could no longer keep my eyes open just so I could avoid talking to God about my fears? Again, it didn't feel like a conscience choice. I didn't see what I was doing. And maybe this makes no sense because you haven't avoided God. But I have. Thankfully, God is pointing that out to me. And I am ashamed.
James 1:6-8
"But let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
There are some things that I don't pray about very often and yet they are huge, personal heartaches. They are on my mind almost constantly. So why don't I pray about them constantly? I think because, if I am honest, I don't really believe God is going to change anything. I acknowledge that God could change them, but doubt that He will. Why? The Bible tells me that God longs to bless me. Me! In spite of all my weaknesses, my unspoken doubts and fears, because He loves me, He wants to bless me. Why can't I accept that fully? It's as if I think I still have to pay for my sins. Again - playing God. God wants to favor me but I have to trust Him to do it. I can't do it myself.
Instead of avoiding God because I am doubting, I need to run to Him and confess. I need to remember that I can bring anything to Him without fear, even my weak faith. And it is God, Himself, who will strengthen my faith. I cannot force my faith to grow merely by my own willpower. I am such a slow learner. I know this stuff. And then I set aside what I know. I think that's why I write about it. Not only does it help clarify for me what I'm thinking but it serves as a reminder of what God is teaching me. I'll need reminders often.
So now what? No fireworks going off. No radical, overnight change. I am, though, reassured. God knows me, He chose me, and He will never leave me. He always listens to me and is surprised by nothing. He will lift me out of this dark little hole that I've crawled into if only I ask.
Psalm 34:4
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 62:5-6
"My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken."
Saturday, December 21, 2013
I'm ...
What is it about being single that makes me think about my youth? I believe I am content in the circumstances that God has allowed. I believe I have a forgiving spirit. I know that God is all-sufficient and that He wants me to totally depend on Him. And I want to. But there is something nagging at me and it's silly. I don't want to look old. I want to lose weight. I want to be perky, slim, confident, capable, and well, younger! And for what? Or should I say for whom? My kids and grand kids don't care what I look like (unless I'm wearing tie dye). I'm not dating anyone and would undoubtedly have a panic attack if I attempted dating. God certainly accepts me just the way I am. But the fact that Paul is gone has left me so unbalanced. I should now have complete and utter freedom to be and look however I choose. No one sees my lime green knee socks under my extra large flannel P.J.s. No one. And maybe that's the crux of the matter. God is my all-in-all but He, in His wisdom, designed us for relationship, not just with Him but with others. The main "other" in my life was my husband. That post is vacant now and while most times I'm O.K. with that, I'd be lying if I tried to convince myself that I don't miss having someone just for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm so blessed by my children and grandchildren. I can't even imagine being without them. A husband, though, plays a different role in a woman's life. So occasionally, I come home and wish I had someone to sit with in front of the fire.
Now here's where it gets a little weird - it's on those occasional nights that I begin to look at myself and all that I think is wrong with me. I start off with my wrinkles and weight and if I let it go, it quickly progresses to my abilities (or inabilities) as a wife and mother. If I continue in that vein, in the end, I deem myself completely unworthy of anyone (besides God) loving me. But is that what God intends for me? Sometimes, God reminds me of His constant presence by allowing distressing things to happen that drive me to Him. I'm honestly grateful for that because I don't naturally go to Him when all is well. And let's face it, if I believe that I am God's child, uniquely created by Him, perfectly designed in His image, what am I saying about the Lord? Am I saying, "God, you screwed up when you made me"? I need to hang onto His perspective. If I can remember who I am in God's eyes it just might change my whole view of myself. (It certainly should but I'm just saying, it seems that I struggle with that idea a bit.) I just recently heard the song "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real and it sounds so much like the stuff that I do - I let a lot of crap into my mind, especially when I'm alone at night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRKAXU1Fjic
"Forgiven" by Sanctus Real
Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
[back to chorus]
When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
[back to chorus]
I'm "a treasure in the arms of Christ." Who cares if I've gained a little weight? Who cares if I actually look my age? I do but should I? It only causes me discontent. God accepts me and loves me as I am and I should love myself in the same way. That doesn't mean I have license to do whatever I want. I'm still responsible for my actions and I'm still expected to continue to grow to be more like Christ. However, in the meantime, I need to get over myself and enjoy how God has blessed me. Because... He has!!
Now here's where it gets a little weird - it's on those occasional nights that I begin to look at myself and all that I think is wrong with me. I start off with my wrinkles and weight and if I let it go, it quickly progresses to my abilities (or inabilities) as a wife and mother. If I continue in that vein, in the end, I deem myself completely unworthy of anyone (besides God) loving me. But is that what God intends for me? Sometimes, God reminds me of His constant presence by allowing distressing things to happen that drive me to Him. I'm honestly grateful for that because I don't naturally go to Him when all is well. And let's face it, if I believe that I am God's child, uniquely created by Him, perfectly designed in His image, what am I saying about the Lord? Am I saying, "God, you screwed up when you made me"? I need to hang onto His perspective. If I can remember who I am in God's eyes it just might change my whole view of myself. (It certainly should but I'm just saying, it seems that I struggle with that idea a bit.) I just recently heard the song "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real and it sounds so much like the stuff that I do - I let a lot of crap into my mind, especially when I'm alone at night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRKAXU1Fjic
"Forgiven" by Sanctus Real
Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
[back to chorus]
When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
[back to chorus]
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Who Am I?
I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night - someone I hadn't actually spoken to in over 30 years. I commented that, "You don't know me at all anymore. We haven't known each other since we were practically children." The immediate response was, "So, who are you? Tell me about yourself now."
I started to think about that and realized that it's a tough question for me. My life, for many years, has been mostly consumed and defined by husband, children, work, and ministry. Lots of fun, very rewarding, very busy, and extremely easy to avoid even thinking about my true, inner self - the Debbie that nobody but me and God know. But now, the husband is gone, the kids are grown, and lots of ministry has been put on hold. That leaves me with work, a fair amount of baggage, and the time to analyze and ponder that baggage. I've done an endless amount of pondering. But when asked to describe myself, I didn't come up with much right away. I was trying to avoid describing myself in terms of my relationship to someone else - you know, Paul's wife, mom to four girls, Grammy to eight, etc. Don't misunderstand me. I was content to be Paul's wife and am honored and privileged to be the daughter, mother, sister, Grammy, and friend that I am. But I exist outside of these precious relationships. Maybe I even have hopes, dreams, hobbies, etc. that belong only to me. So, because I am curious, I'm going to give it a try.
Will the real Debbie Brown please step forward?
I like to think that, first and foremost, I am a Christian - a follower of Jesus. Considering that is what I think of first, I realize that it is also what I struggle with the most. I won't belabor the point - previous posts speak to some of my struggles. However, it would be accurate to say that I am continually aware of my shortcomings and often feel frustrated with my lack of discipline, faith, and trust.
I fiercely love my family!
I love to read. I am particularly fond of murder mysteries but I try to limit myself because they really have no redeeming value. And I love the Die Hard movies.
I have bitten my fingernails for 50 years. Safe to say, I'm never gonna quit.
I love music! I wish I had some musical ability but that only exists when I'm driving alone and can belt it out for no one to hear. Love praise music. Love the Eagles, Loggins & Messina, CSNY, Simon & Garfunkel.
I daydream about traveling in a tiny little motorhome but for the most part, I'm really a homebody.
I wish I was a writer. A legit one.
I used to think I knew it all. Now, I realize, I know less than I ever imagined.
I frequently (if not always) give unasked for and/or unwanted advice. I also seem to feel that it is my duty to share with someone the worst case scenario of whatever is going on with them. "Debbie Downer" is my nickname.
I love Cheddar and Sour Cream chips, Rollos, Goldfish crackers, Mrs. Richardson's caramel sauce, Snickers Bars, and Pinot Grigio. I also love broccoli. I can live without beef.
I hate wearing a bra, have hated it from the beginning, will hate it until the day I die or until I give them up for lent, whichever comes first.
I enjoy sewing. And I enjoy that I have passed on that passion to some of my girls, all of whom are creative in various ways.
I'm task oriented, driven to be productive before I allow myself the freedom to just sit.
I love animals and hate to see them hurt or suffering. I'm probably nicer to animals than I am to people.
I love living in the country. Love the peacefulness, the solitude, the beauty, and the lack of CC & Rs.
I tend to take responsibility and blame for everything that is wrong in the lives of those I love.
I love to watch sunsets. While I appreciate a beautiful sunrise, I prefer not to be awake then. I am definitely a night owl.
I have a seriously bad nighttime snacking habit.
I tend to push myself to keep going, no matter what is going on around me.
I'm not a big drama-queen. In fact, I get uncomfortable showing too much emotion. I'm a little uptight.
I am not comfortable or at peace with my body.
I hate to exercise, hate to sweat, hate to breathe hard. I also hate yard work.
I love to sit in front of a fire in the dark and just talk.
I am a peacemaker and very uncomfortable with conflict.
I can't dance. But I can keep a hula-hoop going like nobody's business.
I have a problem with guilt. I still feel guilty for stuff I did as a teenager. Consequently, since I have stored up guilt for many, many years, I often miss the joy of God's forgiveness.
I wish I were stylish but I love tie dye.
So, enough of this little jaunt into my psyche. Maybe it's good for me to take a look at myself now and again. So much in my life has changed and at times, I feel a little lost and uncertain. Gratefully, God keeps walking alongside me as I bumble along. I may not know exactly who I am but my Creator does.
Oh, and I wish I could draw or paint or something beautiful like that.
I started to think about that and realized that it's a tough question for me. My life, for many years, has been mostly consumed and defined by husband, children, work, and ministry. Lots of fun, very rewarding, very busy, and extremely easy to avoid even thinking about my true, inner self - the Debbie that nobody but me and God know. But now, the husband is gone, the kids are grown, and lots of ministry has been put on hold. That leaves me with work, a fair amount of baggage, and the time to analyze and ponder that baggage. I've done an endless amount of pondering. But when asked to describe myself, I didn't come up with much right away. I was trying to avoid describing myself in terms of my relationship to someone else - you know, Paul's wife, mom to four girls, Grammy to eight, etc. Don't misunderstand me. I was content to be Paul's wife and am honored and privileged to be the daughter, mother, sister, Grammy, and friend that I am. But I exist outside of these precious relationships. Maybe I even have hopes, dreams, hobbies, etc. that belong only to me. So, because I am curious, I'm going to give it a try.
Will the real Debbie Brown please step forward?
I like to think that, first and foremost, I am a Christian - a follower of Jesus. Considering that is what I think of first, I realize that it is also what I struggle with the most. I won't belabor the point - previous posts speak to some of my struggles. However, it would be accurate to say that I am continually aware of my shortcomings and often feel frustrated with my lack of discipline, faith, and trust.
I fiercely love my family!
I love to read. I am particularly fond of murder mysteries but I try to limit myself because they really have no redeeming value. And I love the Die Hard movies.
I have bitten my fingernails for 50 years. Safe to say, I'm never gonna quit.
I love music! I wish I had some musical ability but that only exists when I'm driving alone and can belt it out for no one to hear. Love praise music. Love the Eagles, Loggins & Messina, CSNY, Simon & Garfunkel.
I daydream about traveling in a tiny little motorhome but for the most part, I'm really a homebody.
I wish I was a writer. A legit one.
I used to think I knew it all. Now, I realize, I know less than I ever imagined.
I frequently (if not always) give unasked for and/or unwanted advice. I also seem to feel that it is my duty to share with someone the worst case scenario of whatever is going on with them. "Debbie Downer" is my nickname.
I love Cheddar and Sour Cream chips, Rollos, Goldfish crackers, Mrs. Richardson's caramel sauce, Snickers Bars, and Pinot Grigio. I also love broccoli. I can live without beef.
I hate wearing a bra, have hated it from the beginning, will hate it until the day I die or until I give them up for lent, whichever comes first.
I enjoy sewing. And I enjoy that I have passed on that passion to some of my girls, all of whom are creative in various ways.
I'm task oriented, driven to be productive before I allow myself the freedom to just sit.
I love animals and hate to see them hurt or suffering. I'm probably nicer to animals than I am to people.
I love living in the country. Love the peacefulness, the solitude, the beauty, and the lack of CC & Rs.
I tend to take responsibility and blame for everything that is wrong in the lives of those I love.
I love to watch sunsets. While I appreciate a beautiful sunrise, I prefer not to be awake then. I am definitely a night owl.
I have a seriously bad nighttime snacking habit.
I tend to push myself to keep going, no matter what is going on around me.
I'm not a big drama-queen. In fact, I get uncomfortable showing too much emotion. I'm a little uptight.
I am not comfortable or at peace with my body.
I hate to exercise, hate to sweat, hate to breathe hard. I also hate yard work.
I love to sit in front of a fire in the dark and just talk.
I am a peacemaker and very uncomfortable with conflict.
I can't dance. But I can keep a hula-hoop going like nobody's business.
I have a problem with guilt. I still feel guilty for stuff I did as a teenager. Consequently, since I have stored up guilt for many, many years, I often miss the joy of God's forgiveness.
I wish I were stylish but I love tie dye.
So, enough of this little jaunt into my psyche. Maybe it's good for me to take a look at myself now and again. So much in my life has changed and at times, I feel a little lost and uncertain. Gratefully, God keeps walking alongside me as I bumble along. I may not know exactly who I am but my Creator does.
Oh, and I wish I could draw or paint or something beautiful like that.
Friday, November 8, 2013
One More Tucson Post
It was hard to believe it when we finally pulled up to Tammera's house. The trip there, while having some fun moments, had seemed endless. There were hugs all around, a family we hadn't seen in almost 9 months, and lots of catching up to do. Callan, Tammera's youngest, had been just a newborn the last time I'd seen him.
I was thrilled that he wasn't scared to death of me! And Audrey and Asher were happy and sweet as usual.
We spent four full days with the Chans and though it seemed short, it was a precious time. One of the things that we enjoy is sewing together. I was honored to have been able to teach my girls to sew and we used to have whole days where we would sew and craft and chat (and eat and drink) together. Tammera has missed that. So she saved a project for us and we were able to spend one whole day doing just that - sewing, eating, talking and sharing. Eli graciously took the kids for most of the day so that we could spread out. Tammera wanted to make curtains for her dining room. Melissa and I had hauled our sewing machines all the way to Tucson and we had our own projects to work on. We loved the fabric Tammera had picked out for her curtains but it took us a while to get it cut just right. See how perfectly the pattern lines up?
The Chans had a brand new kitten named Gandolf and he was pesty and entertaining. He will grow up to be very tolerant since Asher has a tendency to carry him around by his neck.
Tammera took us to a fabric store one day. If you know any of us, you know that we stockpile fabric. I certainly don't need anymore yet I am always on the lookout for a beautiful piece at a great price. We had such fun together. I loved watching Melissa and Tammera. When they were younger, they fought and got mad at each other but loved each other too. Now that they're all grown up, there is no more fighting, just loving. Every time we left the house they insisted that they get a "Concrete Mixer" (some sort of ice cream thing) before we returned home, even if we were going to have dinner right away. I couldn't change their minds. Tammera's logic was that she could eat a Mixer, then would feel bad herself, then would be motivated to do her Insanity workout. Melissa blamed it on the fact that it was Monsoon season and she was afraid of the storms. Whatever the excuses, both girls enjoyed a plentiful supply of ice cream, another sweet memory made.
It was very hot the week we were in Tucson so going outside with the kids was not really an option until the last day we were there. Tammera and Eli took us up to Mt. Lemmon. We had to take two cars to get us all there and Eli was so sweet and let us girls ride in my car while he took the kids in their car. It took us about an hour to get there but it was so worth it. It was a beautiful day. Because Mt. Lemmon is at such a higher elevation, it was nice and cool. We went on a little hike, the kids played in the creek, we had a picnic, and ended the day at the Cookie Cabin. It was wonderful!
The kids were worn out but happy. We all reluctantly left the coolness of the mountain and headed home. The girls and I made a detour and did a little shopping, mostly for Melissa. We met the nicest sales woman who pulled up a $50 coupon on her phone for Mel! We spent our last evening together watching a "Friends" marathon. Long after Eli and the kids were in bed, we stayed up, not wanting our time together to end. As we watched the final episode of "Friends", both girls were crying and even I (reputed to be a hard-ass), had a tear in my eye. Weeks after I got home, I watched some "Friends" but found that it just wasn't the same. I needed my girls with me to make it work.
We left the next morning for our 2 day drive home. We had a few adventures like getting caught in a huge, blinding rainstorm, some lone stoner guy trying to pick up Melissa at the hotel hot tub, and wandering around looking for a place called The Fruit Depot (supposedly the biggest fruit stand in California). It didn't turn out to be much but we both felt compelled to buy something since we had spent an hour looking for it.
I've already forgotten a lot of the things we did on the trip but I haven't forgotten the feeling of family being together. Melissa and Donny are in the process of an adoption right now and so that has been foremost in our minds. I realized that God, in His graciousness, has shown us multiple kinds of adoption. Of course, most importantly, we are adopted as His children through His Son's sacrifice. Donny and Melissa hope to provide a home for a baby that someone else is unable to care for. And many years ago, God brought Tammera into our lives and because of that, I now have a lovely 4th daughter, son-in-law, and three more grandkids. I can't really even remember being without Tammera. And though I didn't birth her and we aren't related by blood, strange similarities abound. Both Asher and Felicity, Jenny's daughter, were diagnosed with hypotonia and it affected their speech. Both Asher and Kian, Jen's 3rd, are very small for their age. Logan, Jenny's oldest, and Callan and Asher suffered extreme constipation as infants. All four of my daughters are creative. We've all had trouble at times with sleeping. All that to say, I don't think of Tammera differently than the others and I often forget that she, technically, sprung from someone else. She's mine and always will be and her family is now mine as well. Melissa and Donny have been warned that adopted children can have bonding issues. I know that is true but I know we also have a great God who can accomplish anything He chooses to. He will bond their adopted child to them just like He bonded Tammera so completely into our family that Melissa and I risked four days in the car together to see them.
I was thrilled that he wasn't scared to death of me! And Audrey and Asher were happy and sweet as usual.
We spent four full days with the Chans and though it seemed short, it was a precious time. One of the things that we enjoy is sewing together. I was honored to have been able to teach my girls to sew and we used to have whole days where we would sew and craft and chat (and eat and drink) together. Tammera has missed that. So she saved a project for us and we were able to spend one whole day doing just that - sewing, eating, talking and sharing. Eli graciously took the kids for most of the day so that we could spread out. Tammera wanted to make curtains for her dining room. Melissa and I had hauled our sewing machines all the way to Tucson and we had our own projects to work on. We loved the fabric Tammera had picked out for her curtains but it took us a while to get it cut just right. See how perfectly the pattern lines up?
The Chans had a brand new kitten named Gandolf and he was pesty and entertaining. He will grow up to be very tolerant since Asher has a tendency to carry him around by his neck.
Tammera took us to a fabric store one day. If you know any of us, you know that we stockpile fabric. I certainly don't need anymore yet I am always on the lookout for a beautiful piece at a great price. We had such fun together. I loved watching Melissa and Tammera. When they were younger, they fought and got mad at each other but loved each other too. Now that they're all grown up, there is no more fighting, just loving. Every time we left the house they insisted that they get a "Concrete Mixer" (some sort of ice cream thing) before we returned home, even if we were going to have dinner right away. I couldn't change their minds. Tammera's logic was that she could eat a Mixer, then would feel bad herself, then would be motivated to do her Insanity workout. Melissa blamed it on the fact that it was Monsoon season and she was afraid of the storms. Whatever the excuses, both girls enjoyed a plentiful supply of ice cream, another sweet memory made.
It was very hot the week we were in Tucson so going outside with the kids was not really an option until the last day we were there. Tammera and Eli took us up to Mt. Lemmon. We had to take two cars to get us all there and Eli was so sweet and let us girls ride in my car while he took the kids in their car. It took us about an hour to get there but it was so worth it. It was a beautiful day. Because Mt. Lemmon is at such a higher elevation, it was nice and cool. We went on a little hike, the kids played in the creek, we had a picnic, and ended the day at the Cookie Cabin. It was wonderful!
This is how Callan hiked!
And here's how Melissa hiked - arms up so nature wouldn't touch her!
And finally, the Cookie Cabin!
The kids were worn out but happy. We all reluctantly left the coolness of the mountain and headed home. The girls and I made a detour and did a little shopping, mostly for Melissa. We met the nicest sales woman who pulled up a $50 coupon on her phone for Mel! We spent our last evening together watching a "Friends" marathon. Long after Eli and the kids were in bed, we stayed up, not wanting our time together to end. As we watched the final episode of "Friends", both girls were crying and even I (reputed to be a hard-ass), had a tear in my eye. Weeks after I got home, I watched some "Friends" but found that it just wasn't the same. I needed my girls with me to make it work.
We left the next morning for our 2 day drive home. We had a few adventures like getting caught in a huge, blinding rainstorm, some lone stoner guy trying to pick up Melissa at the hotel hot tub, and wandering around looking for a place called The Fruit Depot (supposedly the biggest fruit stand in California). It didn't turn out to be much but we both felt compelled to buy something since we had spent an hour looking for it.
I've already forgotten a lot of the things we did on the trip but I haven't forgotten the feeling of family being together. Melissa and Donny are in the process of an adoption right now and so that has been foremost in our minds. I realized that God, in His graciousness, has shown us multiple kinds of adoption. Of course, most importantly, we are adopted as His children through His Son's sacrifice. Donny and Melissa hope to provide a home for a baby that someone else is unable to care for. And many years ago, God brought Tammera into our lives and because of that, I now have a lovely 4th daughter, son-in-law, and three more grandkids. I can't really even remember being without Tammera. And though I didn't birth her and we aren't related by blood, strange similarities abound. Both Asher and Felicity, Jenny's daughter, were diagnosed with hypotonia and it affected their speech. Both Asher and Kian, Jen's 3rd, are very small for their age. Logan, Jenny's oldest, and Callan and Asher suffered extreme constipation as infants. All four of my daughters are creative. We've all had trouble at times with sleeping. All that to say, I don't think of Tammera differently than the others and I often forget that she, technically, sprung from someone else. She's mine and always will be and her family is now mine as well. Melissa and Donny have been warned that adopted children can have bonding issues. I know that is true but I know we also have a great God who can accomplish anything He chooses to. He will bond their adopted child to them just like He bonded Tammera so completely into our family that Melissa and I risked four days in the car together to see them.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Tucson Trip, Day 2
"There's a TOGO's!" This was said by Melissa in a particularly disgusting voice. We had checked out of our hotel and driven across the street trying to find Starbucks and then realized that we were headed away from the freeway. We were attempting to get turned around when we spotted the restaurant. I didn't know what a "TOGO's" was but you may remember from my last post that we had hiked ten miles, (according to Melissa), the previous evening and had to forage for food in the wilderness. And yet, here it was, food for the ordering, if we had just turned our heads in the opposite direction the night before.
Anyway, off we went for another full day of driving through barren wasteland. The road to Tucson is literally through "No Man's Land" and we were challenged to entertain ourselves throughout the day. Melissa decided that she needed to make a list of songs that she would later put on my iPod for me. She called this my "Manhater List." Apparently, since I am now single, I need songs that I can listen to when I'm feeling down. I guess she didn't think Praise songs would do the trick, but instead, Manhater songs were required to fire me up! I haven't yet heard the fruits of her labor but I am looking forward to it. To be fair, I had already memorized all the words to Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" and it had cheered me up a time or two. Speaking of Carrie Underwood, I introduced Melissa to Carrie's rendition of "How Great Thou Art". So beautiful!
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=KL6WYLNX
And she turned me onto an awesome version of our national anthem by Madison Rising.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8C7i9kdEf8
Anyway, off we went for another full day of driving through barren wasteland. The road to Tucson is literally through "No Man's Land" and we were challenged to entertain ourselves throughout the day. Melissa decided that she needed to make a list of songs that she would later put on my iPod for me. She called this my "Manhater List." Apparently, since I am now single, I need songs that I can listen to when I'm feeling down. I guess she didn't think Praise songs would do the trick, but instead, Manhater songs were required to fire me up! I haven't yet heard the fruits of her labor but I am looking forward to it. To be fair, I had already memorized all the words to Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" and it had cheered me up a time or two. Speaking of Carrie Underwood, I introduced Melissa to Carrie's rendition of "How Great Thou Art". So beautiful!
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=KL6WYLNX
And she turned me onto an awesome version of our national anthem by Madison Rising.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8C7i9kdEf8
Besides the "Manhater List" we also enjoyed a game we called "Life Questions." This involved writing down random questions that came to us as we laughed, sang, talked, and yelled across Arizona. We intended to research these questions when we got home but I am just now getting around to it. Some of those questions were:
He died on September 18, 1970 in London, having choked to death on his own vomit.
What makes a person see stars?
We were covering some deep ground. I told her about a video I had watched where Billy Joel had been so gracious to a college student so she added that to her "Life Questions" list to check out later.
Lest I paint the drive as completely unimaginative, there was some beauty along the way. I was fascinated by the cloud formations and in fact, I pulled off the freeway at one point and wound through little side streets trying to get to a good spot to take a picture. Melissa thought I was slightly wacky!
We found odd things amusing. Sensory deprivation will do that to you. All across Arizona we saw this sign:
In case you can't read it, it says, "Drive Hammered, Get Nailed." Many a joke was made about the signs but most of them aren't appropriate to share here.
Melissa was taking a turn driving as we got closer to Phoenix but she had only been behind the wheel for about 45 minutes when the unthinkable happened!
Yep! You guessed it! Our peaceful, boring, two-lane road widened, first to three lanes and then more. Melissa started to panic and she had to quickly pull off so that we could switch places. The rest of the trip was uneventful except for the truly tragic moments we spent driving right by IKEA and deciding that we really shouldn't stop. I think I may still regret that decision but we knew if we gave in to that primal urge we wouldn't get to Tucson until the next day. Phoenix is only two hours from Tucson and we were anxious to see Tammera and her sweet family. We soldiered on and arrived, hot and tired, excited and elated, just in time for dinner.
More to follow...
More to follow...
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