I'm ...

What is it about being single that makes me think about my youth? I believe I am content in the circumstances that God has allowed. I believe I have a forgiving spirit. I know that God is all-sufficient and that He wants me to totally depend on Him. And I want to. But there is something nagging at me and it's silly. I don't want to look old. I want to lose weight. I want to be perky, slim, confident, capable, and well, younger! And for what? Or should I say for whom? My kids and grand kids don't care what I look like (unless I'm wearing tie dye). I'm not dating anyone and would undoubtedly have a panic attack if I attempted dating. God certainly accepts me just the way I am. But the fact that Paul is gone has left me so unbalanced. I should now have complete and utter freedom to be and look however I choose. No one sees my lime green knee socks under my extra large flannel P.J.s. No one. And maybe that's the crux of the matter. God is my all-in-all but He, in His wisdom, designed us for relationship, not just with Him but with others. The main "other" in my life was my husband. That post is vacant now and while most times I'm O.K. with that, I'd be lying if I tried to convince myself that I don't miss having someone just for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm so blessed by my children and grandchildren. I can't even imagine being without them. A husband, though, plays a different role in a woman's life. So occasionally, I come home and wish I had someone to sit with in front of the fire.

Now here's where it gets a little weird - it's on those occasional nights that I begin to look at myself and all that I think is wrong with me. I start off with my wrinkles and weight and if I let it go, it quickly progresses to my abilities (or inabilities) as a wife and mother. If I continue in that vein, in the end, I deem myself completely unworthy of anyone (besides God) loving me. But is that what God intends for me? Sometimes, God reminds me of His constant presence by allowing distressing things to happen that drive me to Him. I'm honestly grateful for that because I don't naturally go to Him when all is well. And let's face it, if I believe that I am God's child, uniquely created by Him, perfectly designed in His image, what am I saying about the Lord? Am I saying, "God, you screwed up when you made me"? I need to hang onto His perspective. If I can remember who I am in God's eyes it just might change my whole view of myself. (It certainly should but I'm just saying, it seems that I struggle with that idea a bit.) I just recently heard the song "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real and it sounds so much like the stuff that I do - I let a lot of crap into my mind, especially when I'm alone at night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRKAXU1Fjic

"Forgiven" by Sanctus Real

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[back to chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause

[back to chorus]

I'm "a treasure in the arms of Christ." Who cares if I've gained a little weight? Who cares if I actually look my age? I do but should I? It only causes me discontent. God accepts me and loves me as I am and I should love myself in the same way. That doesn't mean I have license to do whatever I want. I'm still responsible for my actions and I'm still expected to continue to grow to be more like Christ. However, in the meantime, I need to get over myself and enjoy how God has blessed me. Because... He has!!