Christmas, 2011

I want to remember this Christmas. Why? Was it spectacular? Maybe not. But it wasn't last Christmas and that's what counts. If you want to get caught up, read about last Christmas here. Come hell or high water, I had determined that this Christmas would be better! And praise God, it was! So I want to remember because it will give me hope as the new year begins. Perhaps we are through the worst of things but perhaps not. It doesn't matter. God is in control and I can trust Him with my life and with the lives of those I love.


Our meager goal:

Some of the kids had come over on a Sunday a few weeks before Christmas and helped me decorate the house. I just haven't had the heart for it since Paul left. Also, my mom died this past May and though she had been in a nursing home and hadn't been here for Christmas for several years, it would be the first one she would be celebrating in heaven. I love sitting in a darkened living room with nothing but the Christmas lights on. Everything looks beautiful and peaceful. Sometimes I am tempted to permanently install some twinkle lights but I'm afraid the kids might think I was a little off. I have always aspired to be "eccentric" though, so maybe that would be a good start. Anyway, we made a day of it. We went to church (always a struggle, but that's another story), went and bought my tree, came home and ate crock pot chicken soup and corn muffins and decorated. Chaos, confusion, and clutter. It was wonderful!

And so the countdown to Christmas began. I usually like to sew some for Christmas but I hadn't gotten an early enough start. I did manage to make a few ornaments.

These were made for Gabriel, Logan, Felicity, and Kian. I also made Tammera an owl ornament but from a different pattern and I made her an owl pin cushion for her birthday but I forgot to take pictures of those. Though it hardly counts as "crafting", I also made multiple batches of homemade Kahlua. Very tasty!

Christmas Eve arrived. We went to church and then met at my house for our traditional soup supper and the opening of the stockings. Both Jason and my brother, Tim, were sick and so were unable to join us. We have really simplified things and we just put some little things in the children's stockings and we only buy Christmas presents for the little ones also.

I am so blessed to have so much family here. I miss Tammera and her family terribly and of course, we all missed my mom. And I miss Paul though that might sound strange after all that's happened. There's been a breach and while God is repairing the damage done to the kids and I, it's a painful healing. But step by step, we are getting there.

Later Christmas Eve, the Hannas, Stivers, and myself watched the movie "The Bird Cage". I know, an odd choice for the season. Melissa and I find the movie hilarious but surprisingly, the rest of the crowd did not share our enthusiasm. In fact, their lack of appreciation for the subtle and classy humor in the movie detracted a little bit from the enjoyment that Melissa and I were hoping for. We'll watch it another night, just the two of us.

Church again on Christmas morning and then we had presents for the children and dinner later in the afternoon.

At dusk, we all went out to the front lawn to participate in one of Donny's favorite Christmas traditions: a silly string war! He had bought cans of silly string for kids and adults. We had a ball. Sarah filmed it because she was looking particularly gorgeous and Felicity ended up helping her because she wasn't thrilled with the mass commotion. (She did enjoy discharging her can, however, after everyone else had emptied theirs.) We can't wait to do this again next year!

All in all, it was a wonderful day in its normalcy, its lack of drama, its commonness. I was so grateful to get through the day and even more grateful to discover that I had enjoyed myself. There had been times when I never thought I'd truly laugh again.

I find that I am entering 2012 with a hope that I haven't felt in a while. But I also realize that this hope pales in comparison to the hope that is ours in Christ. I believe Satan has attempted to make me forget that and there have been moments when he almost succeeded. No matter what happens next, I know I can trust my Savior. I hope and pray that I can hang onto that promise this next year and reflect that assurance to my kids.

Psalm 25:5

     Guide me in your truth and teach me,
   for you are God my Savior,
   and my hope is in You all day long.

Psalm 42:11

   Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

   Why so disturbed within me?
   Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise Him,
   my Savior and my God.

Romans 15:13

   May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Giving Thanks, Part 4

I told myself I'd list 100 things that I was thankful for and I'm down to the last 25. I know that I am grateful for a lot more than 100 things but the fact that I am having trouble listing them leads me to believe that my perspective is not what it should be. I need to be expectantly watching for God's blessings and recognizing His goodness ALL THE TIME! I need to take time to thank Him right at the moment that something hits me so that I begin to re-train my thoughts. I want to focus on Him and the positive things in my life - not on myself or negative things. 2012 is going to be different!!

With that in mind, I'm thankful...

76.   that I did not hit that skunk the other night.
77.   that my kids are all so giving and generous.
78.   for my craft supply stash.
79.   for free return shipping.
80.   for the wisdom of others.
81.   that time heals.
82.   that each day is another opportunity to start a diet.
83.   for antibiotics.
84.   for solitude.
85.   for firewood.
86.   that this isn't all there is.
87.   for iTunes.
88.   for Barnes & Noble gift cards.
89.   for God's loving protection.
90.   that God gives me hope!
        "Hope which was lost,
          now stands renewed."
91.   that Paul's leaving didn't kill me.
92.   for my selective memory.
93.   for sweet conversations.
94.   for Christmas lights.
95.   for church family.
96.   that He welcomes me home!
97.   for the way music expresses what I cannot.
98.   that God never gives up on me.
99.   that the weight of my sin is not on my shoulders.
100. that God is my Saviour King!
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiFLqsNlISY

MY PORTION IS HIM 
AND I AM
MORE THAN BLESSED!!

Giving Thanks, Part 3

So many things are floating around in my head right now. It's been a tough week and while I really do want to be thankful for all that God allows, it is becoming more of a challenge. But this is where the rubber meets the road, isn't it? The first 25 things I listed on my "thankful list" were pretty easy to come up with. The second 25 took a little more effort but was still manageable. But today? How do you thank the Lord when you are crying with your grown daughter at 2 in the morning? What do you say to another daughter when the doctor appointment didn't go as planned? How do I process my own feelings of grief over my failed marriage and still remain thankful? And how do I get my mind off myself and onto Christ, our Savior, as we celebrate His birth?

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Col. 3:12

I know that the answers lie in His Word and that is where I need to go. But to be honest, it is easier to just sit and ponder and be frustrated. Lame! I want to shake myself sometimes and tell myself to just suck it up. I am blessed - no matter what! This world is hard but it won't always be this way. Someday, we will live without sorrow or tears. Praise God! And so, with that in mind...

I am thankful for:

51.   the hope of an eternity in heaven.
52.   the success of my grandson, Asher's, surgery.
53.   being able to be available for my kids and grandkids.
54.   Rollo candies.
55.   my rheumatologist, Dr. Eibschutz.
56.   a day off.
57.   sunshine and rain.
58.   having the house all to myself.
59.   a chaotic household.
60.   baggy sweatshirts.
61.   always being able to trust in the Lord.

        "Those who know Your Name will trust in You, for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You." (Psalm 9:10).

62.   my comfy, warm bed.
63.   flu shots.
64.   the greatness of God!

        "What does an all-sufficient God, who owns and controls all things, demand from the creature He has made? That we cease to be great in our own eyes and become small that He might appear great."  (John Piper)


65.   an affordable window washing service.

66.   God's grace.

        "Grace is God's riches at Christ's expense. Grace is the unmerited favor of God. Grace is God giving us what we cannot earn."  (Dr. Robert Jeffress)

67.   being chosen by God!

68.   the comic strip "Zits", my all-time favorite!

69.   growing up in a safe, child-friendly neighborhood.

70.   being born in America.

71.   the kindness of strangers.

        (like the two young men who helped me turn off my car horn. See "My Car" from 7/25/11 blog.)

72.   sitting outside around a fire talking in the dark with family and friends.
73.   wine.
74.   the ability to read.
75.   God's daily provision and that I don't go without.

Giving Thanks, Part 2

It's funny - I'm not feeling sure that I'll be able to come up with the rest of the 75 things I'm thankful for so that I can complete my list of 100 BUT I have felt more thankful this week just by pondering all this. So here goes - some more things ...

I'm thankful for:

26.   A good mechanic (see #15 in Part 1).
27.   A new kitchen faucet.
28.   Alias (my current Netflix obsession).
29.   the unconditional love of grandchildren.
30.   FORGIVENESS! (and not just receiving it, but giving it also.)
31.   "the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases,
        His mercies never come to an end;
        they are new every morning;
        great is Thy faithfulness!"
32.   the sound of a vacuum (that I'M not operating).
33.   sleeping in.
34.   falling asleep at night knowing that I am not alone!
        (no matter what my feelings tell me)
35.   weekends and staying up late.
36.   coffee. (see #33 and #35)
37.   second chances.
38.   trusting God even though I can't see or understand.
39.   not being born rich or marrying rich.
40.   humor.
41.   songs written just for me. (Thanks, Jenny)
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
42.   imagination and creativity.
43.   big earrings! (Come on, girls, I'm not alone in this!)
44.   nice, warm socks.
45.   driving to work without getting on a freeway.
46.   being able to have children.
        (something I took for granted)
47.   the privilege of being "Grammy".
48.   hair color in a box.
49.   my love of nature.
50.   the beautiful sound of a 12-string guitar.

Giving Thanks, Part 1

So, as I said in my last post, I'm going to try to start on the whole being more thankful thing. I thought, that in order to be more accountable, I'd better publish the things I'm thankful for. I want to get a list of at least 100 but I won't bore you with it all at once. Here's my start ...

I'm thankful for:

1.     hot water and flush toilets

By the way, these are not in any particular order although flush toilets are pretty far up on my list.

2.     birds
3.     God's patience with me
4.     Christian parents and an idyllic childhood
5.     pets
6.     daughters, sons-in-law (4 of each) and grandchildren (all 6 of them)
7.     the fact that Paul didn't leave me until after our children were grown
8.     lifelong friends
9.     the Bible
10.   a job that I enjoy and great bosses
11.   getting to live in the country
12.   books, books, and more books
13.   a warm fire at night
14.   medical care
15.   a car that, though quite old, runs
14.   my sewing machine
15.   my brother, whose struggles remind me how blessed I am to walk with             God
16.   my Tuesday night Bible Study and my Monday small group
17.   alarm clocks (without which I could NEVER get up)
18.   thrift stores
19.   eye glasses
20.   computers
21.   the times when I don't have to wear a bra
22.   photographs
23.   music
24.   the strength that God provides
25.   opportunities to minister to others

Enough for tonight. I will say that I awoke this morning and immediately began thanking God for some things. I was foggy, still not fully awake, but it was a wonderful way to start the day before ever getting out of bed. When I finally did get up I discovered that we had almost no water pressure because the switch on the well's booster pump had frozen up. I had to stick my head in the sink and wet my hair under a trickle of water so that I could attempt to tame the serious bed-head before going to work. It was a slightly rocky start to the day and certainly unexpected but it didn't seem to bother me. It just became a funny little story to tell. I'm thinking maybe that's because my attitude was subtly influenced by the thanks that had been on my mind first thing. We'll see.

But...

I'm sitting here this morning in the peace and quiet and looking out my living windows. I've been thinking a lot as the holidays approach. I was  praying and asking the Lord to show me... show me something. And yet at the same time, it was a half-hearted prayer. I really just wanted to sit and ruminate, but on my own thoughts, not God's.

I love to watch the birds out the window. I finally filled the hummingbird feeder the other day so there is plenty of activity there. Poor things, I hadn't filled it all year. I'm not sure how they survived without me - I guess they had to get their nourishment right from the source that God gave them. You know - flowers and all that natural stuff. They prefer my sugar water, though, because it's so easy to get. Hmmm, I'll have to come back to that thought.

Next, I noticed a bird's nest in the tree out front. It hadn't been visible before because it was hidden in the leaves. But we had a tremendous wind storm out here the other night. In just a few hours, the wind blew all the leaves off the tree. I have bird houses all over the place and none of them has ever been occupied! This nest is actually perched just a few feet above a very nice bird house that I had stuck in that tree. Apparently, the birds prefer the higher location, the effort in building the nest, and the surroundings of the tree instead of my wooden house. Again, all that natural stuff. Again, I must come back to that thought.

So, my friend Janine challenged my daughter, Melissa, to write down 100 things she is thankful for. I've been thinking a lot about that. Jenny just wrote a blog about her struggles of late and all that she is thankful for. She also got me to pondering gratitude. I confidently thought to myself, "Oh, I'm plenty grateful." But you know what? I'm not. Not really. Why not? I think it's because there is a big "but" in my life.

I think this is what I'm saying to God:
     "I'm grateful for the kids but...I don't have a husband to keep me company."
     "I'm grateful for my grandkids but...I don't have a husband to share that with."
     "I'm grateful for this beautiful place I live in...but I don't have a husband to sit in front of the fireplace with."

You get the idea. I'm withholding gratitude because I don't think I deserve what has happened to me. I don't think I can ever be quite whole again. I don't think I can ever be completely satisfied. Me, me, me! That has been my focus for far too long. And even I am getting sick of myself.

So now let's go back to the birds and what I can learn from them.

     Do I really think that the hummingbirds had a panic attack when I quit filling their feeder last year? Did they hover together and wonder how they were ever going to feed themselves now that Debbie's Diner was closed? How about my little family of birds in the tree? When all the leaves blew off and revealed their hiding place did they think, "Wow, we should have stayed down below there at Brown's Bed and Breakfast!"?
I seriously doubt it. No, they depended on their Maker for food and shelter, life itself, and accepted God's goodness without question. The birds don't gripe about their life being too hard. Seriously, have you ever seen an unhappy bird?

And one last thought - I never would have seen that beautiful nest silhouetted in the tree if the wind storm hadn't removed all the leaves. I know God is working in my life! I may feel like I'm having to work way too hard just to survive but God's bounty awaits me.  I might still feel like I'm in the midst of the storm but God's beauty will eventually be revealed. So I'm taking up Janine's and Jenny's "Thankfulness Challenge". I'm making a list and checking it twice. Anyone want to join me?

Matthew 6:25-27

English Standard Version (ESV)

 ²⁵ "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?