Reflections On A Sinful Life

I have been struck this week by just how screwed up we become when we allow sin to control our lives. Why, you may wonder, am I surprised by this? Maybe it's because I lead a fairly sheltered life. I am surrounded by family and friends that are Christians and the rest of the people in my world are fairly benign - not terribly blatant sinners but "good people" who don't know the Lord.

Sin's control and influence over a person - my dad told me it's called "the depravity of man". It's been a stressful few weeks. I've been dealing with a family member whom I love dearly but who frustrates the crap out of me. (No, it's not Paul!) I have felt trapped, in a way. I want to help him, I want to kick his ass, I want to protect my dad from the heartache of the situation. But through it all, I am almost stunned by the mindset of a person who has lived his life solely for himself for years and years.

I know I am a sinner and I am often keenly aware of my failures as a Christian. In fact, I am so aware that sometimes I feel guilty enough that I miss the joy that is mine as one of God's forgiven. However, to see close up just how someone thinks and acts who truly doesn't understand Christ's redemptive power is astounding! There is a self-centeredness that is all-consuming and yet a person can be completely unaware of it. They might not be maliciously selfish but the end result is still the same. Whether a person is blithely ignorant of their selfishness or simply extremely determined to live their life as they want to, regardless of the pain inflicted on others, they are blinded by sin and have been deceived for so many years by unsound thinking that it almost seems hopeless.

How can God reach through the barrier that Satan has built up around them? Oh, how He loves us!! I was reading the Apostle Paul's account of his conversion in Acts and was struck by how completely deceived he was and how grave his sins were. But when God confronted him, he realized his depravity, repented, and from then on out, he followed Christ. I keep praying that God would confront this family member in such a way that he can't refuse and he can't help but respond to the Holy Spirit. But every time I think things can't get any worse for this guy, they do! I mean, seriously, what does it take? We, as humans, are so stupid!!

It's a bit hard for me to grasp the fact that I am no better than him, no less sinful than anyone else, no more deserving of God's grace than the next schmuck. Anyway, I continue to beg God to have mercy and save him. And at the same time, I am so grateful that I am chosen, set apart, forgiven, blessed, and at peace. Though I sin, I do not struggle with sin as a chosen lifestyle. Better yet, I am not oblivious to all sin (just a few ☺) as some seem to be. I don't mean to sound self-righteous. It's just that when we are aware of God's standards and strive to follow them we are saved from a lot of heartache in this life. God's laws protect us from significant distress. I need to turn this loved one over to the God who loves him more than I ever could and keep on entreating the Lord to send the angels of heaven to surround him with protection until he finally gives up and accepts Christ's saving grace. I want to stand with him, someday, as we meet the Savior face to face in heaven. So glorious!

Profound Truths from "That 70's Show"

So don't mock me, but lately, I've been zoning out at night watching re-runs of the old classic, "That 70's Show". You know, I never realized how much truth was contained in those episodes. I mean, you do have to ignore the fact that all the kids want to do is get stoned or have sex. But beyond that? Well, there is an occasional nugget of wisdom.  For example...

I'm sure we've all known and even loved someone who just doesn't seem to have much to give. Their focus is always on themselves, though sometimes they can hide it pretty well, often for a very long time. Then, seemingly all of a sudden, lives are broken apart because they just can't keep it together any longer. The rest of us struggle to understand what happened.

Self-esteem:

"I figured it out. I know who I love the best. I love myself! I love myself the best! If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would!"  (Jackie)

I'm convinced that the hardest job in the world is raising kids. I did my best but it certainly wasn't always good enough. Kitty was the loving nurturer and Red was the hard ass but between them they opened their home to numerous teenagers trying to find their way and tag-teamed them to get them through. That's what I want for my own kids - to be moms and dads that work together, appreciating the differences that men and women bring to the parenting table and also always having room for someone else's kid.

Parenting:

"Are you trying to kill me? You're killing me. You know that? You're killing your mother. You only get one, you know."  (Kitty)

"How about a job stating the obvious because you're getting really good at that!"  (Red)

"Honey, I'm sorry if I smothered you. That's just what a mother does. But I've accepted that you're leaving and I'm ready to let you go."  (Kitty)

Eric sort of represents the sinner we all are. He tried hard, sometimes succeeded, often failed. He got down on himself a lot and always attempted to live his life using his own limited strength and know-how. He waited until he was desperate before he turned to anyone else for help. I'm embarrassed to say that is too often my approach and I leave God out of the equation until He graciously brings me to my knees.

Human Nature:

"I ruined it. And I knew I was ruining while I was ruining it. I just kept on ruining it."  (Eric)

"Bad things happen because I am stupid!"  (Eric)

It seems that throughout our lives we will be engaged in a strange dance with other people, trying to get along, understand each other, work and/or live together, and attain peace in our personal lives. It is fascinating to me to watch the people around me as they two-step their way through their day. However, it isn't so fascinating when it involves me. There are times when I feel pretty good about how I relate to others. And then there are the times when I am an idiot and there's nothing more to be said about it. No matter how you slice it, relationships take work.   

Relationships:

"You don't cut open the sausage. You just eat it."  (Hyde)

"But I love you, Donna." "I love you, too, Eric. But it's not enough." (Donna & Eric)

"Well, you know I love my family. It's just some times I want to get in the car and run 'em all over."  (Kitty)

We really are an entitled bunch and so often have the attitude that pain and suffering or inconvenience should not come to us. When my husband left, I was dumbfounded with disbelief and I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to twist away from that hurt. The reality is that we live in a world corrupted by sin and that is going to color our lives until we are reunited with Christ. Instead of stamping my feet and demanding to know why something has happened, I need to buckle down, deal with the situation, and look for what God will teach me through it. I also need to be grateful that though difficulties are all around us, I am NEVER alone. God walks right there next to me. 

Reality:

"You know what I got for my 18th birthday? A draft notice and a malaria vaccine. I never had time to think." (Red)

Honestly, I've struggled with boundaries. I am a people-pleaser and a peacemaker. I don't want anyone mad at me or disappointed in me. I usually try to do what people want me to do even if I don't have time or if I resent what they are asking of me. Often, I have not stood up for myself when I should have. It's something that I'm working on and something that I wish I had learned a long time ago.

Appropriate Boundaries:

"I can't touch an egg."
"Why not?"
"Because it came out of a chicken butt!"   (Jackie & Kitty)

I like to think that I am a fairly straightforward person, blunt even, but honest. So I always appreciated Hyde's approach. The only thing is, in my quest for honesty, I have frequently hurt someone's feelings and that's no good. I swing from one extreme to the other, blurting out something that is really how I feel to swallowing thoughts in order not to offend. Balance in life is tough. The Bible has much to say about our words and about truth. I need to study that more!!

Honesty:

"Well, I don't really have a speech prepared, but ... thanks for sucking."  (Hyde)

I don't have anything profound to say about food. I want to eat or drink whatever I want, whenever I want, and I want to weigh 120 pounds while doing it. Whatever...

Healthy Eating:

"Kitty, this isn't food. This is what food eats!" (Red)

I hate to admit it but, though I love Kitty's character on the show, I realize that I have a way about me that is similar to Red's. I want to encourage my kids, I try to encourage my kids, but in the end, I too often deliver the message in a backhanded way that makes them feel bad, or leaves them conflicted about what I'm saying. I've always got a "but..." or a "here's an idea..." or a "maybe you could have done this..." . Why can't I just say "good job" or "keep it up" or "I'm so proud of you" or "I'll pray for you" and then leave it at that? I am of the misguided opinion that the world is just waiting for my words of wisdom and that thriving in this world depends on me! It's foolishness on my part and another thing to work on.

Encouragement:

"I've got to admit, Eric. I had my doubts. But hell, you've hardly embarrassed me." (Red)

Lastly, at least for now, is the recognition that we are all in need of some serious rehabilitation. Thankfully, God is patient with us. He gently points out our faults and guides us in His way. We need to recognize His hand and trust that His way is the best way to go.

Sin:

"I can't believe any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames."  (Kitty)

A Hard One

Been thinking some hard thoughts lately. Or maybe, more accurately, I should say that I have been avoiding thinking them. They touch just at the edge of my conscious mind before I push them away. I don't want to let them in. I think it's because I have no idea where they will end up. Too many thoughts rattling around in my head and I can't sort them all out. But it's two in the morning and, thanks to the prednisone I am currently on, I am still awake. I figured I might as well do a little exploration. Not sure if it's wise to share so personally but somehow, this writing is therapeutic for me and maybe my crazy thoughts are in someone else's head too.

It has occurred to me that I don't cry much at all any more over my failed marriage. I don't think it's that I'm over it. I'm wondering if I just needed to take a break from the effort of trying to understand what has happened. Will I ever make sense of an event that was so wrong? I doubt it. But I can't seem to let it go either. Do I still love him, miss him? I'm sure that's part of it, in spite of all that has happened. But there is much more and at the root of it is my pride. His total rejection and abandonment of me has thrown me. Am I so unworthy? So unlovable? I know I was far from perfect but when I'm rational, I also know that it probably wasn't much about me. His hurts, insecurities, desires, and weaknesses eventually got the upper hand. My weaknesses and failings contributed to the mix. And yet, I missed it for so long. He seems to me to be an illusion, someone I thought I knew but obviously did not. Again, my pride takes a beating. I mean, after all, shouldn't I have seen it coming? Couldn't I have done something to help both of us? As I look back on my life it seems robbed of all validation, like none of it was what it seemed. There must have been very real times, wonderful times, but now I question it all.

There are moments when I want to talk to him so badly and many days when I honestly wonder how he is and, I'm a little embarrassed to say, some times when I worry about him. I can't even keep track of how many times I wonder if he ever misses me, thinks about me, imagines how I am. I suspect he figures I'm fine, figures I never really needed him, figures he has left me in the capable care and comfort of a father, daughters, grandchildren, friends. And to a large degree, that is true. I am fine. I really am! But that doesn't mean I don't hurt.

We can never, on this earth, escape the pain that accompanies living on a planet corrupted by sin. As a Christian, I have the Lord as my resource and strength and certainly, it is only because of His graciousness to me that I can say, "I'm fine." But the hard part is accepting that God does not remove me from the pain. Nor does He remove the pain from me. I am a doer, a follower of lists, an administrator. Can't it just be that I need to pray more? Do more Bible Study? Minister to others more? Then life wouldn't hurt so much? Certainly, I would benefit from all those things. But no matter, my joy will not be complete until I am lifted from this world and safely in the arms of my Father. So that is what my struggle boils down to - accepting the pain while rejoicing in the blood of Jesus that saved me and the Glory of God that awaits me.

Please don't think that this is a depressing state I'm in. In fact, I just might be about ready to burst out the other side of "down in the dumps". Often, when I let myself think too hard, I can relate to the philosophy that  says, "life sucks and then you die!" But if I continued in that frame of mind I would miss all that God has for me here and now. When I bang on heaven's door and complain to God and beg Him to ease my pain right now, I deprive myself of what He can offer me in the meantime. I owe my life to Him and the work that was accomplished on the cross and my future lies in the hope I have in His eternal promises. It all sounds so lofty but grabbing hold of this truth is what I want to make real in my life. My pain pales in comparison to most people's lives and I feel insignificant even talking about it. But, it's where I'm at and it's my pain so I have to deal with it. Comparing myself to someone else will only make me feel guilty (I'm a master at that) and won't help any in the long run.

My struggle is not really because of a failed marriage. That just happens to be a symptom in my life of the sin that permeates our world. I want the Lord to change me, from the inside out, so that my perspective is completely different. I want to live like I've already got one foot off this earth and reaching towards heaven, holding out a hand to reach for His, able to cry because it hurts but also to sing because I know what awaits me.

I Sing Because I'm Free

I drove over to Cambria today for a massage. What a treat! I found Rhoda here,
http://cambriadayspa.com/massage/ ,
shortly after my mom had died. I had a few days off and I spent them at a little motel on Moonstone Beach and took a chance and booked a massage with her after finding her online. She is fabulous! At the time, I was driving over to Cambria about once a month or so to see a counselor. I began to make a day of it. I would go to my counseling appointment, get a massage, and then sit at the beach and ponder life. Talk about a day of therapy! Anyway, this blog isn't really about a massage. But though I no longer go over to the coast for counseling (which, by the way, was with an awesome professional who now believes I'm healthy ☺ ), I have managed to occasionally continue the massage routine. It takes me about 45 minutes from my house to drive over and I tend to listen to praise music and pray most of the way. It has become a time for me to focus on the Lord in ways that I seem to struggle with when I'm at home. I wasn't feeling the greatest today because I had stayed up until 3:00 a.m. helping Melissa with a project and I'm a bit too old for that sort of thing. Nevertheless, I was looking forward to the afternoon.

As I drove and prayed, I was specifically asking the Lord for His joy. I have been realizing that if I truly grasped His enormous sacrifice and the gift of His grace I would be loudly rejoicing and singing His praises, no matter what the circumstances of life. He knows all the hurts of the past few years so today I didn't bore Him with my list of offenses. Instead, I looked more inward, at the sin that is so entrenched in my own heart. He gently revealed to me that even when I am praying, my motives are often so completely self-centered and sometimes an attempt at manipulation. (As if I could manipulate the Creator!) As I confessed sin to Him, I began to try to imagine what it might feel like to be completely rid of the burden of sin. Right about that time, the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow" began to play.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOm2mMusqUw

I was so struck by the words, especially as I heard,
"So I sing because I'm happy. And I sing because I'm free!"

I had asked God to speak to me on the drive over and wouldn't you know it! He did. I am free from the burden of sin. God has forgiven me and Christ paid my ransom. I can beat myself up about my sin all the time but it won't change the fact that God chose me and I am His! And someday, I won't sin anymore. That will be so awesome. Unimaginable, really. I spent the rest of the drive just reflecting on God's goodness to me and singing along to my C.D. Also, I figure in heaven, I'll be able to carry a tune!

God wasn't done talking to me, though. I might be weird, but when I'm lying on the massage table, I think some pretty deep thoughts and I also do some praying. It takes me probably half an hour to actually relax and turn my mind off. Anyway, as I mentioned, I wasn't feeling too great. I was praying that God would enable me to relax enough to enjoy what I had paid for and I found myself thinking about our physical bodies. Let's face it - when you are naked, face down on a table, and your clothes are out of reach, there is a lot to think about. Seriously, though, I began to think about Jesus and his physical body. I seem to avoid remembering that while He was on earth, He had physical and emotional constraints just like me. He hurt and felt sorrow, I knew that. But then I found myself wondering if He felt embarrassment or humiliation. Did He cringe inside as He was led to His crucifixtion? Was He ashamed of His nakedness when He was hung on the cross? On a less significant scale, did He ever wonder when the next bush was going to appear because He had to go to the bathroom? I don't mean to sound irreverent. Not at all! I just don't slow down enough to contemplate some of these mysteries. For those moments, as I considered these things, Christ assured me, in a new way, that He definitely knows my struggles - my physical limitations (as you know, I have entered my 60's and I am going kicking and screaming) and He also understands all my emotional dilemmas. I am not alone! Finally, I relaxed, with a smile on my face, as I rested in the knowledge that God had been waiting for me. I just needed to listen. I returned home, rejuvenated in body and spirit. And I sang, because I'm free!!

Matthew 11:28-30

New International Version (NIV)

²⁸ “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”