Reflections On A Sinful Life

I have been struck this week by just how screwed up we become when we allow sin to control our lives. Why, you may wonder, am I surprised by this? Maybe it's because I lead a fairly sheltered life. I am surrounded by family and friends that are Christians and the rest of the people in my world are fairly benign - not terribly blatant sinners but "good people" who don't know the Lord.

Sin's control and influence over a person - my dad told me it's called "the depravity of man". It's been a stressful few weeks. I've been dealing with a family member whom I love dearly but who frustrates the crap out of me. (No, it's not Paul!) I have felt trapped, in a way. I want to help him, I want to kick his ass, I want to protect my dad from the heartache of the situation. But through it all, I am almost stunned by the mindset of a person who has lived his life solely for himself for years and years.

I know I am a sinner and I am often keenly aware of my failures as a Christian. In fact, I am so aware that sometimes I feel guilty enough that I miss the joy that is mine as one of God's forgiven. However, to see close up just how someone thinks and acts who truly doesn't understand Christ's redemptive power is astounding! There is a self-centeredness that is all-consuming and yet a person can be completely unaware of it. They might not be maliciously selfish but the end result is still the same. Whether a person is blithely ignorant of their selfishness or simply extremely determined to live their life as they want to, regardless of the pain inflicted on others, they are blinded by sin and have been deceived for so many years by unsound thinking that it almost seems hopeless.

How can God reach through the barrier that Satan has built up around them? Oh, how He loves us!! I was reading the Apostle Paul's account of his conversion in Acts and was struck by how completely deceived he was and how grave his sins were. But when God confronted him, he realized his depravity, repented, and from then on out, he followed Christ. I keep praying that God would confront this family member in such a way that he can't refuse and he can't help but respond to the Holy Spirit. But every time I think things can't get any worse for this guy, they do! I mean, seriously, what does it take? We, as humans, are so stupid!!

It's a bit hard for me to grasp the fact that I am no better than him, no less sinful than anyone else, no more deserving of God's grace than the next schmuck. Anyway, I continue to beg God to have mercy and save him. And at the same time, I am so grateful that I am chosen, set apart, forgiven, blessed, and at peace. Though I sin, I do not struggle with sin as a chosen lifestyle. Better yet, I am not oblivious to all sin (just a few ☺) as some seem to be. I don't mean to sound self-righteous. It's just that when we are aware of God's standards and strive to follow them we are saved from a lot of heartache in this life. God's laws protect us from significant distress. I need to turn this loved one over to the God who loves him more than I ever could and keep on entreating the Lord to send the angels of heaven to surround him with protection until he finally gives up and accepts Christ's saving grace. I want to stand with him, someday, as we meet the Savior face to face in heaven. So glorious!

I'm ...

What is it about being single that makes me think about my youth? I believe I am content in the circumstances that God has allowed. I believe I have a forgiving spirit. I know that God is all-sufficient and that He wants me to totally depend on Him. And I want to. But there is something nagging at me and it's silly. I don't want to look old. I want to lose weight. I want to be perky, slim, confident, capable, and well, younger! And for what? Or should I say for whom? My kids and grand kids don't care what I look like (unless I'm wearing tie dye). I'm not dating anyone and would undoubtedly have a panic attack if I attempted dating. God certainly accepts me just the way I am. But the fact that Paul is gone has left me so unbalanced. I should now have complete and utter freedom to be and look however I choose. No one sees my lime green knee socks under my extra large flannel P.J.s. No one. And maybe that's the crux of the matter. God is my all-in-all but He, in His wisdom, designed us for relationship, not just with Him but with others. The main "other" in my life was my husband. That post is vacant now and while most times I'm O.K. with that, I'd be lying if I tried to convince myself that I don't miss having someone just for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm so blessed by my children and grandchildren. I can't even imagine being without them. A husband, though, plays a different role in a woman's life. So occasionally, I come home and wish I had someone to sit with in front of the fire.

Now here's where it gets a little weird - it's on those occasional nights that I begin to look at myself and all that I think is wrong with me. I start off with my wrinkles and weight and if I let it go, it quickly progresses to my abilities (or inabilities) as a wife and mother. If I continue in that vein, in the end, I deem myself completely unworthy of anyone (besides God) loving me. But is that what God intends for me? Sometimes, God reminds me of His constant presence by allowing distressing things to happen that drive me to Him. I'm honestly grateful for that because I don't naturally go to Him when all is well. And let's face it, if I believe that I am God's child, uniquely created by Him, perfectly designed in His image, what am I saying about the Lord? Am I saying, "God, you screwed up when you made me"? I need to hang onto His perspective. If I can remember who I am in God's eyes it just might change my whole view of myself. (It certainly should but I'm just saying, it seems that I struggle with that idea a bit.) I just recently heard the song "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real and it sounds so much like the stuff that I do - I let a lot of crap into my mind, especially when I'm alone at night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRKAXU1Fjic

"Forgiven" by Sanctus Real

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[back to chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause

[back to chorus]

I'm "a treasure in the arms of Christ." Who cares if I've gained a little weight? Who cares if I actually look my age? I do but should I? It only causes me discontent. God accepts me and loves me as I am and I should love myself in the same way. That doesn't mean I have license to do whatever I want. I'm still responsible for my actions and I'm still expected to continue to grow to be more like Christ. However, in the meantime, I need to get over myself and enjoy how God has blessed me. Because... He has!!

It's Complicated

So, I was sitting in bed tonight, zoning out with T.V. and waiting for the little magic pill that the doc gave me to kick in and knock me out. I've got a bad case of poison oak and sleeping has been miserable, if not impossible, so I went to MedStop after church today and got some drugs. Hope they help. Meanwhile...not much on T.V. So, for some odd reason, I watched the movie "It's Complicated." In case you don't know, it's about a couple who have been divorced for ten years due to the man's infidelity. The man has remarried (to a much younger woman) and he and his ex-wife have a brief affair together. I'd seen the movie before and my girls thought I was crazy to watch it the first time. Maybe. But I was desperate for something to take my mind off the itching. Anyway,  there may have been some nuggets of truth in the movie - as well as a lot of poor choices. But tonight, I'm just going to comment on the nuggets...

The ex-wife, played by Meryl Streep, is building an addition to her house and remodeling some other parts of the house. She tells her architect to re-do her bathroom and leave out the "his and hers" sinks. She wants just a "hers." He tries to tell her that it would be better to have two sinks and that she might need one in the future. She replies, "Sometimes, having two sinks just makes me sad." I can relate to that. I am living in the same house that Paul and I shared and for the most part, it's been fine. I love it here and God has enabled me to separate (emotionally) the house from Paul. That second sink, however, is a sad reminder in the morning. When Donny and Melissa were living with me, one of their cats was terrorizing one of my cats so my cat developed the strange habit of peeing in Paul's sink. How's that for poetic justice? But now I don't have that distraction anymore. (Thankfully, though I miss Donny and Melissa, once their cats were gone there were no more weird cat pee incidents.) It's sort of like having a big walk-in closet that you used to share. I had to just spread all my stuff out and buy more stuff to take care of that problem. ☺ But the extra sink?

The most interesting part of the movie to me was how Meryl's character began to see her ex after they reconnected at their son's college graduation. She was caught up - in the history they shared, in the attention (from a currently unhappily married man), in the "not alone anymore-ness", in the "what ifs" and self-doubt. She seemed to forget the bad stuff and covered it over with enough good stuff to blind her just a bit. I've struggled with that myself. I cannot always, can't even mostly, see Paul as the bad guy. No matter what, he was my husband for many years, the father of my children, and I loved him very much. At the end of the movie, Meryl tells her kids that though she and their dad aren't getting back together, he will always be a part of her. I can relate to that as well. I don't mean the getting back together part. That wasn't really an option that I was ever given. But Paul always will be a part of me and that sometimes causes conflict and turmoil inside myself. I need perspective and pray often for wisdom. I want to see him objectively, as a sinner just like me, but I don't want to sugar coat what happened so that it blinds me to the truth. Meryl also tells her kids that "knowing how to be divorced is just impossible." So true!!

I read a review today on the book "A Grace Revealed-How God Redeems the Story of Your Life" by Jerry Sittser. The author had lost his wife, daughter, and mother in a tragic car accident. He says,

 "As we surrender to Christ, God's story, the story, can envelop and transform all other stories, "however sensational or mundane, tragic or happy." Sittser sees himself "as a witness to this truth: God redeems our stories through him. If you dare to surrender yourself to God, he will take up the story of your life and integrate it into the great story of salvation, turning it into something so extraordinary that you will be tempted to think it was all a beautiful dream."

What will I allow God to make of my story? What would happen if I dared to surrender it all to Him?

Then I followed that up with an article on grace. James 2:10 says,

"For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is become guilty of all."

That's me God is talking about - guilty of all. I am no better than Paul (or anyone else), I am no purer, I am no more worthy. Beginning to grasp that concept has helped me to forgive Paul, to continue to care about him though I can't live with him, to be able to pray for him, and is drawing me, I hope, closer to God. When I dwell on the injustice to me and let that fuel anger and bitterness, my relationship to God and His grace suffers and begins to feel a little distant.


All this out of a crazy movie? You never know what thoughts will spin around in your head while you're trying not to scratch. Lord, let the transforming of my story begin!