I have been struck this week by just how screwed up we become when we allow sin to control our lives. Why, you may wonder, am I surprised by this? Maybe it's because I lead a fairly sheltered life. I am surrounded by family and friends that are Christians and the rest of the people in my world are fairly benign - not terribly blatant sinners but "good people" who don't know the Lord.
Sin's control and influence over a person - my dad told me it's called "the depravity of man". It's been a stressful few weeks. I've been dealing with a family member whom I love dearly but who frustrates the crap out of me. (No, it's not Paul!) I have felt trapped, in a way. I want to help him, I want to kick his ass, I want to protect my dad from the heartache of the situation. But through it all, I am almost stunned by the mindset of a person who has lived his life solely for himself for years and years.
I know I am a sinner and I am often keenly aware of my failures as a Christian. In fact, I am so aware that sometimes I feel guilty enough that I miss the joy that is mine as one of God's forgiven. However, to see close up just how someone thinks and acts who truly doesn't understand Christ's redemptive power is astounding! There is a self-centeredness that is all-consuming and yet a person can be completely unaware of it. They might not be maliciously selfish but the end result is still the same. Whether a person is blithely ignorant of their selfishness or simply extremely determined to live their life as they want to, regardless of the pain inflicted on others, they are blinded by sin and have been deceived for so many years by unsound thinking that it almost seems hopeless.
How can God reach through the barrier that Satan has built up around them? Oh, how He loves us!! I was reading the Apostle Paul's account of his conversion in Acts and was struck by how completely deceived he was and how grave his sins were. But when God confronted him, he realized his depravity, repented, and from then on out, he followed Christ. I keep praying that God would confront this family member in such a way that he can't refuse and he can't help but respond to the Holy Spirit. But every time I think things can't get any worse for this guy, they do! I mean, seriously, what does it take? We, as humans, are so stupid!!
It's a bit hard for me to grasp the fact that I am no better than him, no less sinful than anyone else, no more deserving of God's grace than the next schmuck. Anyway, I continue to beg God to have mercy and save him. And at the same time, I am so grateful that I am chosen, set apart, forgiven, blessed, and at peace. Though I sin, I do not struggle with sin as a chosen lifestyle. Better yet, I am not oblivious to all sin (just a few ☺) as some seem to be. I don't mean to sound self-righteous. It's just that when we are aware of God's standards and strive to follow them we are saved from a lot of heartache in this life. God's laws protect us from significant distress. I need to turn this loved one over to the God who loves him more than I ever could and keep on entreating the Lord to send the angels of heaven to surround him with protection until he finally gives up and accepts Christ's saving grace. I want to stand with him, someday, as we meet the Savior face to face in heaven. So glorious!
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
I Burned Some Pages Today
I have been sick for almost two months and I am finally feeling a bit better so I decided that today was the day I just HAD to clean my room. After all, I was sharing my bed with crushed potato chips and pretzel salt. (Chips were mine, salt was the grandkids'.) I determined to do a very thorough job. I did and I'm thrilled with the results. But sometime during the middle of this process, I came across some papers that I had tucked away several years ago. I read through them one last time and then... I burned them, slowly, one at a time.
You may be wondering why this is significant enough to write about. After all, I enjoy burning stuff as much as the next guy. But these pages were special, in a way, and I'm not sure yet how I feel about their loss. There weren't many - maybe half a dozen - but they spoke of things deep and buried in my heart. There was a letter that I had written Paul shortly before he left me, e-mails between he and I after he left, and several e-mails between he and the girls, also after he left. The emotions expressed in these writings were so raw and gut-wrenching. I knew I had saved these pages and occasionally I had taken them out and read them again, just like I had done today.
I had thought that perhaps the time had come to let go of them. Previously, they had served to remind me of how bad things had been and helped me see how far I had come. They also served to remind me of how deceived and "off" Paul had become during that time in his life. Sometimes, when I would remember our life together, I felt like I was looking at it, at Paul, through rose-colored glasses. I tended to downplay the ugliness that had transpired and think of the good memories. I don't think that is wrong, necessarily. Paul certainly wasn't/isn't all bad and we had a lot of good years together. At least I thought so. But I didn't always see him with a proper perspective and these pages I had written back then had brought some reality to my clouded outlook. I suppose it was sort of a defensive mechanism. It kept me, at times, from throwing caution to the wind and begging him to come back to me.
The fact of the matter is, Paul will always be a part of me. That is how God designed marriage and just because Paul is no longer physically in my presence does not mean that he has been cut out of my heart. This is one of those things that I have to live with much like Donny and Melissa live with infertility or Chris Pickens lives with A.L.S. None of us are spared the pain that this corrupt world brings. However...when Paul first left, I knew I would survive. I knew immediately that it wouldn't kill me. Thankfully, I had enough faith to reassure me of that. But I never planned or imagined that I might be living victoriously through this hardship.
I think that in my mind initially, living victoriously meant God bringing him back to me, restoring our marriage, being one of the few that survived infidelity. But who am I to define what "victorious living" really is? Maybe it means being where I am today - a woman just beginning to grasp the magnitude of God's grace in my life, just beginning to understand the privilege and power that there is in praying for my family (yes, including Paul), just beginning to realize that joy is mine in Christ, regardless of my circumstances. Is my situation any harder, more unique, more distressing or discouraging than yours? NO! We all bear burdens in this life - family members who don't know the Lord, loss and grief, aging parents, aging ourselves, children's heartaches, sinful choices. The list is endless.
I'm encouraged by my "book burning". God is so patient and loving with me, with all of us. He allowed me to keep those reminders for as long as I needed to. But then, He gently allowed me to release the heartache they represented to Him, to let Him deal with it. I am trusting Him that I don't need to be reminded any longer of those dark days. My circumstances haven't changed and I still have much to pray about. But I am just a little closer to realizing the victorious life that is mine to claim as a child of God. And even as I cry through my prayers for all the situations that weigh on me, I feel the blossom of joy blooming inside me, knowing that God has got it all under control!
You may be wondering why this is significant enough to write about. After all, I enjoy burning stuff as much as the next guy. But these pages were special, in a way, and I'm not sure yet how I feel about their loss. There weren't many - maybe half a dozen - but they spoke of things deep and buried in my heart. There was a letter that I had written Paul shortly before he left me, e-mails between he and I after he left, and several e-mails between he and the girls, also after he left. The emotions expressed in these writings were so raw and gut-wrenching. I knew I had saved these pages and occasionally I had taken them out and read them again, just like I had done today.
I had thought that perhaps the time had come to let go of them. Previously, they had served to remind me of how bad things had been and helped me see how far I had come. They also served to remind me of how deceived and "off" Paul had become during that time in his life. Sometimes, when I would remember our life together, I felt like I was looking at it, at Paul, through rose-colored glasses. I tended to downplay the ugliness that had transpired and think of the good memories. I don't think that is wrong, necessarily. Paul certainly wasn't/isn't all bad and we had a lot of good years together. At least I thought so. But I didn't always see him with a proper perspective and these pages I had written back then had brought some reality to my clouded outlook. I suppose it was sort of a defensive mechanism. It kept me, at times, from throwing caution to the wind and begging him to come back to me.
The fact of the matter is, Paul will always be a part of me. That is how God designed marriage and just because Paul is no longer physically in my presence does not mean that he has been cut out of my heart. This is one of those things that I have to live with much like Donny and Melissa live with infertility or Chris Pickens lives with A.L.S. None of us are spared the pain that this corrupt world brings. However...when Paul first left, I knew I would survive. I knew immediately that it wouldn't kill me. Thankfully, I had enough faith to reassure me of that. But I never planned or imagined that I might be living victoriously through this hardship.
I think that in my mind initially, living victoriously meant God bringing him back to me, restoring our marriage, being one of the few that survived infidelity. But who am I to define what "victorious living" really is? Maybe it means being where I am today - a woman just beginning to grasp the magnitude of God's grace in my life, just beginning to understand the privilege and power that there is in praying for my family (yes, including Paul), just beginning to realize that joy is mine in Christ, regardless of my circumstances. Is my situation any harder, more unique, more distressing or discouraging than yours? NO! We all bear burdens in this life - family members who don't know the Lord, loss and grief, aging parents, aging ourselves, children's heartaches, sinful choices. The list is endless.
I'm encouraged by my "book burning". God is so patient and loving with me, with all of us. He allowed me to keep those reminders for as long as I needed to. But then, He gently allowed me to release the heartache they represented to Him, to let Him deal with it. I am trusting Him that I don't need to be reminded any longer of those dark days. My circumstances haven't changed and I still have much to pray about. But I am just a little closer to realizing the victorious life that is mine to claim as a child of God. And even as I cry through my prayers for all the situations that weigh on me, I feel the blossom of joy blooming inside me, knowing that God has got it all under control!
Monday, February 11, 2013
It's Complicated
So, I was sitting in bed tonight, zoning out with T.V. and waiting for the little magic pill that the doc gave me to kick in and knock me out. I've got a bad case of poison oak and sleeping has been miserable, if not impossible, so I went to MedStop after church today and got some drugs. Hope they help. Meanwhile...not much on T.V. So, for some odd reason, I watched the movie "It's Complicated." In case you don't know, it's about a couple who have been divorced for ten years due to the man's infidelity. The man has remarried (to a much younger woman) and he and his ex-wife have a brief affair together. I'd seen the movie before and my girls thought I was crazy to watch it the first time. Maybe. But I was desperate for something to take my mind off the itching. Anyway, there may have been some nuggets of truth in the movie - as well as a lot of poor choices. But tonight, I'm just going to comment on the nuggets...
The ex-wife, played by Meryl Streep, is building an addition to her house and remodeling some other parts of the house. She tells her architect to re-do her bathroom and leave out the "his and hers" sinks. She wants just a "hers." He tries to tell her that it would be better to have two sinks and that she might need one in the future. She replies, "Sometimes, having two sinks just makes me sad." I can relate to that. I am living in the same house that Paul and I shared and for the most part, it's been fine. I love it here and God has enabled me to separate (emotionally) the house from Paul. That second sink, however, is a sad reminder in the morning. When Donny and Melissa were living with me, one of their cats was terrorizing one of my cats so my cat developed the strange habit of peeing in Paul's sink. How's that for poetic justice? But now I don't have that distraction anymore. (Thankfully, though I miss Donny and Melissa, once their cats were gone there were no more weird cat pee incidents.) It's sort of like having a big walk-in closet that you used to share. I had to just spread all my stuff out and buy more stuff to take care of that problem. ☺ But the extra sink?
The most interesting part of the movie to me was how Meryl's character began to see her ex after they reconnected at their son's college graduation. She was caught up - in the history they shared, in the attention (from a currently unhappily married man), in the "not alone anymore-ness", in the "what ifs" and self-doubt. She seemed to forget the bad stuff and covered it over with enough good stuff to blind her just a bit. I've struggled with that myself. I cannot always, can't even mostly, see Paul as the bad guy. No matter what, he was my husband for many years, the father of my children, and I loved him very much. At the end of the movie, Meryl tells her kids that though she and their dad aren't getting back together, he will always be a part of her. I can relate to that as well. I don't mean the getting back together part. That wasn't really an option that I was ever given. But Paul always will be a part of me and that sometimes causes conflict and turmoil inside myself. I need perspective and pray often for wisdom. I want to see him objectively, as a sinner just like me, but I don't want to sugar coat what happened so that it blinds me to the truth. Meryl also tells her kids that "knowing how to be divorced is just impossible." So true!!
I read a review today on the book "A Grace Revealed-How God Redeems the Story of Your Life" by Jerry Sittser. The author had lost his wife, daughter, and mother in a tragic car accident. He says,
"As we surrender to Christ, God's story, the story, can envelop and transform all other stories, "however sensational or mundane, tragic or happy." Sittser sees himself "as a witness to this truth: God redeems our stories through him. If you dare to surrender yourself to God, he will take up the story of your life and integrate it into the great story of salvation, turning it into something so extraordinary that you will be tempted to think it was all a beautiful dream."
What will I allow God to make of my story? What would happen if I dared to surrender it all to Him?
Then I followed that up with an article on grace. James 2:10 says,
"For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is become guilty of all."
That's me God is talking about - guilty of all. I am no better than Paul (or anyone else), I am no purer, I am no more worthy. Beginning to grasp that concept has helped me to forgive Paul, to continue to care about him though I can't live with him, to be able to pray for him, and is drawing me, I hope, closer to God. When I dwell on the injustice to me and let that fuel anger and bitterness, my relationship to God and His grace suffers and begins to feel a little distant.
All this out of a crazy movie? You never know what thoughts will spin around in your head while you're trying not to scratch. Lord, let the transforming of my story begin!
The ex-wife, played by Meryl Streep, is building an addition to her house and remodeling some other parts of the house. She tells her architect to re-do her bathroom and leave out the "his and hers" sinks. She wants just a "hers." He tries to tell her that it would be better to have two sinks and that she might need one in the future. She replies, "Sometimes, having two sinks just makes me sad." I can relate to that. I am living in the same house that Paul and I shared and for the most part, it's been fine. I love it here and God has enabled me to separate (emotionally) the house from Paul. That second sink, however, is a sad reminder in the morning. When Donny and Melissa were living with me, one of their cats was terrorizing one of my cats so my cat developed the strange habit of peeing in Paul's sink. How's that for poetic justice? But now I don't have that distraction anymore. (Thankfully, though I miss Donny and Melissa, once their cats were gone there were no more weird cat pee incidents.) It's sort of like having a big walk-in closet that you used to share. I had to just spread all my stuff out and buy more stuff to take care of that problem. ☺ But the extra sink?
The most interesting part of the movie to me was how Meryl's character began to see her ex after they reconnected at their son's college graduation. She was caught up - in the history they shared, in the attention (from a currently unhappily married man), in the "not alone anymore-ness", in the "what ifs" and self-doubt. She seemed to forget the bad stuff and covered it over with enough good stuff to blind her just a bit. I've struggled with that myself. I cannot always, can't even mostly, see Paul as the bad guy. No matter what, he was my husband for many years, the father of my children, and I loved him very much. At the end of the movie, Meryl tells her kids that though she and their dad aren't getting back together, he will always be a part of her. I can relate to that as well. I don't mean the getting back together part. That wasn't really an option that I was ever given. But Paul always will be a part of me and that sometimes causes conflict and turmoil inside myself. I need perspective and pray often for wisdom. I want to see him objectively, as a sinner just like me, but I don't want to sugar coat what happened so that it blinds me to the truth. Meryl also tells her kids that "knowing how to be divorced is just impossible." So true!!
I read a review today on the book "A Grace Revealed-How God Redeems the Story of Your Life" by Jerry Sittser. The author had lost his wife, daughter, and mother in a tragic car accident. He says,
"As we surrender to Christ, God's story, the story, can envelop and transform all other stories, "however sensational or mundane, tragic or happy." Sittser sees himself "as a witness to this truth: God redeems our stories through him. If you dare to surrender yourself to God, he will take up the story of your life and integrate it into the great story of salvation, turning it into something so extraordinary that you will be tempted to think it was all a beautiful dream."
What will I allow God to make of my story? What would happen if I dared to surrender it all to Him?
Then I followed that up with an article on grace. James 2:10 says,
"For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is become guilty of all."
That's me God is talking about - guilty of all. I am no better than Paul (or anyone else), I am no purer, I am no more worthy. Beginning to grasp that concept has helped me to forgive Paul, to continue to care about him though I can't live with him, to be able to pray for him, and is drawing me, I hope, closer to God. When I dwell on the injustice to me and let that fuel anger and bitterness, my relationship to God and His grace suffers and begins to feel a little distant.
All this out of a crazy movie? You never know what thoughts will spin around in your head while you're trying not to scratch. Lord, let the transforming of my story begin!
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