"I Am What I Am"

It has been ages since I've written anything and to be honest, I've missed it. But I've struggled and I've been totally uninspired and I've been busy and I've been distracted and ...

Excuses! Sure, there's been a lot going on. But it has been more than that. My daughter, Melissa, and I were talking the other day and she said something that struck a chord with me. She mentioned the lies that Satan can get us to believe and that one of those lies is that we are losers. Convinced that we are unworthy of love or respect, we (translation "I") then begin to live with the attitude that we are constant failures and that we continually disappoint God.

My struggles this year have covered almost every aspect of my life: financial, relational, kids, grandkids, aging, the health of loved ones, lack of discipline, and many others. While I have enjoyed many blessed times with family and friends and have also seen God's hand in so many situations, I realize that I have chosen to focus more on whatever current burden or problem is at the forefront of my mind. O.K. Maybe that's not so bad. But...How do I respond? I stupidly push God away. It's subtle but true. I stop talking to Him. I stop sharing with Him. I hang on to my worries and I stubbornly plod through my days filled with fatigue and discouragement.

I've had periods of time like this before but this time, it has gone on much longer. Satan's whispers have been unrelenting! I find that I have lost the grasp of grace. In I Corinthians 15:10, Paul says, "But by the grace of God I am what I am..." This statement follows his confession about persecuting "the church of God." I can list all my sins and shortcomings and it won't matter because "BUT by the grace of God, I am what I am."

Eternally loved by God, I was chosen by Him before time began. There really is nothing permanent in our lives except for the love of our Savior. I know this in my head yet I keep my eyes downcast, looking only at the trivial daily occurrences of my life and stressing about whatever instead of enjoying the fact that I AM LOVED! I really have difficulty accepting this. I am a list maker, a "get the job done" kind of person, a committed daughter, mother, grandmother, and employee. I step up, I keep up, and I lift up. And then one day, I gave up.

I have been a Christian for a very long time and yet the secret of God's grace so often eludes me. I would understand it better if I had a daily list of what God expected from me. It might look like this:

Pray twice daily for at least 10 minutes
Read the Bible
Eat healthy
Exercise
Watch only 1 hour of T.V. per day
Work hard and be productive
Help out at least 1 person each day

You get the idea. Then I would have a measuring stick. I could just check things off my list each day and that's how I could judge how "acceptable" I was. But anybody can do something like that and they don't have to put any heart into it at all. So why is it so hard to imagine God being pleased with me, just because of who I am, and more importantly, because of who He is? And if I want a list all I need to do is get busy and study the Bible more. His word will tell me very clearly how to measure up.

Rambling thoughts today but that's just a bit of what has been rattling around in my head. I am tired of moping around like I have been. Do I have stuff to be stressed about? Absolutely. My circumstances haven't changed. But God tells me not to worry. He's in charge. I think that Satan uses the worry to convince me that I am failing. The heaviness that I carry around is not mine to carry. I say that I hate that feeling but if I hate it so much, why do I hang onto it so obsessively?

I'd like to say that I'm going to turn over a new leaf but I don't have that sort of confidence today. However, recognizing that my approach has been utterly sinful and also writing down how I have been behaving will hopefully start me down a better path. It's frustrating because I know better but I still am weak. Maybe that's what most sin is about - doing things we know not to do and doing them for no good reason! I am praying that God will help me regain my footing and enable me to walk knowing that His hand of grace is tightly holding on to me.

Quinten Lee

For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about my little grandson, Quinten. It may have been because Donny and Melissa have been on my mind lately. Finances in our extended family seem to be a constant issue and we are all attempting to manage in different ways. Currently, both the Stivers and myself have ads on Craig's List for rooms to rent in our homes. I've been renting out a room for years but this will be new territory for Donny and Melissa. Anyway, perhaps that got me to thinking about their whole situation.

I began to remember the years before Quinten. I've written a few other times about adoption, etc. but left Quinten's story for Melissa to write herself. This morning, my heart is so full with gratitude for his very existence that I want to record my thoughts so that I can look back on them later. The funny thing is, just as I was beginning to write about Quinten, I got the following text from Melissa. It made me laugh.

     "Q has been in back to back to back timeouts for almost an hour. Looking forward to nap time."

As every mother knows, when your child suffers, you suffer. And it doesn't matter if they are 5 or 45. We hurt for them and with them. In fact, I think for me, it is harder to watch my grown children struggle or suffer because I can't just put a Band-Aid on it and rock them a little while. Everything is so much more complicated. While I want them all to grow in the Lord, the process is sometimes hard to watch because for all of us, spiritual growth most often comes through life's trials.

My oldest grandchild, my handsome, smart, funny Gabriel, will be 13 years old in April. Melissa had known since her teen years that she would probably not be able to conceive. We didn't stress about it then and didn't worry too much when she and Donny were first married. But then a few years passed. Gabriel was born. Over the next several years, Melissa watched her sister, Jenny, have 4 kids, and her sister, Tammera, have 3. I was the proud Grammy to 8 grandkids and I rejoiced over each one of them. But the ache in my heart grew for Melissa. She so longed for a child. And though she took her role as "favorite aunt" very seriously, that wasn't going to satisfy her forever. Donny is a quiet guy and doesn't express his feelings much but I know he was hurting too. He is great with kids - patient as he teaches them how to do something but just as likely to be down on the floor with them as if he were still a kid himself.

They began exploring adoption and it seemed a formidable task. They worked hard! They paid off debt, bought a house, took classes, worked on the house, wrote about themselves for the adoption agency, waited, worked on the house some more, and waited some more. Each time their "profile" was shown to a prospective birth mother, they were notified. We would hold our breath. Would this be the one? More time passed and more tears were shed. But they hung in there.

I will never forget the day Melissa came bursting through the office door where I work. My boss and I were sitting side by side at the front desk. Melissa could not contain herself! With tears in her eyes she practically shouted to me, "The Stiver baby will be born sometime shortly after mid-April!" They had been matched with a birth mom and the due date was right around the corner. The angels were dancing with us as Melissa and I hugged each other and my boss congratulated her. It was early February, just 2 years ago.

Fast forward to today. Sitting on timeout is the culmination of Donny and Melissa's greatest earthly longing. I say earthly longing because they both love the Lord. They know Christ and He is definitely first in their lives. But short of heaven, Quinten Lee is it! He is the tangible manifestation of God's gracious love and abundant blessing to our family. I'll be honest. Right now, things are tough for us as a group. There's a lot of stuff going on in different people's lives and it's hard. We aren't unique in that. My heart breaks for some of the difficulties that friends in the church are going through too. And then I look at Quinten and I am reassured once again that God knows. He knows me! He knows my kids! He loves us unconditionally! It is almost too much to grasp.

I don't know the plans that God has for me or mine. I wish I did. I don't like surprises and I don't like to not be in control. This I do know: GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS ALL-KNOWING! GOD IS LOVE! GOD IS EVER-PRESENT! Whatever happens, I am praying that, as a family, we continue to trust in the God who has saved us. Even Paul, in his letter to the Philippians, said that he hoped and expected that he would not be ashamed and would have sufficient courage. If Paul "hoped" he would be courageous enough to "exalt" Christ, who am I kidding? Most times, I am just hoping to get through one day without a major spiritual blunder. I do not need to be ashamed of my frailty as a Christian. I need to recognize that I can do nothing without Christ so I might as well relax and enjoy the ride. I don't do well relaxing. I don't do well with not worrying. I need to get over that. As Paul said, I need to "expect". My hope is in the Lord. My children are in His hands.

Today, Quinten reminds me that God will work it all out. It won't always be so glorious. Sometimes it will be (and has been) really, really tough. But Quinten's beautiful smile came after years and years of heartache. I wouldn't trade it for anything! I know that I should know all this. I've been a Christian for many years. Today though, I needed a reminder. And so God woke me up with thoughts of a beautiful little boy that calls me "mom-mom" because he can't say "Grammy" yet.

An Anniversary of Sorts

Exactly 6 years ago today, on another Sunday, my world as I knew it quietly imploded.

im·plode

  (ĭm-plōd′)

v. im·plod·ed, im·plod·ing, im·plodes

v.intr.

1. To collapse inward violently.

2. To undergo a catastrophic failure

I did not see it coming but it was certainly a "catastrophic failure". My marriage of 37 years would never be the same again. The landscape of my life and the way I pictured it was forever changed. Now, on the anniversary of the disaster, I find myself reflecting back on where I have been and where I find myself now.

I'm grateful that this many years have passed. I feel like I have finally reached a point of pretty steady contentment and I'm glad to no longer be in the early, painful, emotional days. Can I say positive things about my situation? Of course, although I would never say that the break-up of my marriage was positive in and of itself. My personal belief is that the death of any marriage is tragic, simply because it goes against God's design and intentions. That said, some relationships fail and cannot be resurrected. I hesitate to even admit this as a Christian, but some relationships should not be revived.

I still get anxious and stressed sometimes but usually, I am anxious about the stresses in other people's lives, particularly my children. Strangely, I haven't mastered leaving them in God's hands. I seem to be able to be patient and trusting as I work through my own trials but can't yet manage to apply that trust in God to their lives. I'm working on it but as a somewhat "controlling", "fix-it now" type mom, I'm a bit like a paint-by-number in progress.

So, what is it that I have observed over the last six years?

First of all, I discovered that I could survive - but only by God's strength and grace. I learned what God really meant when He said, "the two shall become one",  because I felt it keenly when that "one" was divided. When my mom died, I realized that all the rest of "life" didn't get put on hold just because I wasn't done grieving my marriage and that it was possible to taste "grief upon grief". I slowly became more flexible as I chose to rent out part of my house to different people so that I could stay on the property I loved and, more importantly, allow my dad to stay in his home on the same land. I practiced finding joy without being able to share it with a partner. And as I felt "singled out" or like an "oddball", God showed me that I was most definitely not alone and that my situation was certainly not unique. Oh, and how God showed me His faithfulness - even though my circumstances didn't change, or, they changed too dramatically to suit me.

There is much I miss about marriage and just because God has enabled me to be content in these circumstances doesn't mean that I am unaware of what I am missing. Is God sufficient? Absolutely! Do I rejoice in my singleness? Umm...Not exactly. Do I think God will use my experiences in the lives of others? I really don't know. But I do know that He is using them in my own life. I am constantly reassured that God is very present and has not, nor will He ever, abandon me. I imagine, though, that I am like the tortoise. I am a plodder. I keep soldiering on, step by step, day by day, but it is slow going. I sort of wish that I could be like some people who have the sudden revelation and immediately grasp what God has for them and then rejoice and celebrate in it. That isn't me; at least not at this stage of my life.

I'm not as hard on myself, though, as I used to be. I know I could do better and I know I still disappoint and neglect the Lord. I also recognize that I used to be motivated by lists and activities and actions that didn't always have my heart behind them. Because that was what motivated me, I had a sub-conscience tendency to feel that I was "earning" God's good pleasure. It has only been recently that I have really been able to embrace the idea that no matter what I do, God will NEVER love me less than He already does. Maybe that is what God is burning on my soul during these days.

"I love you Lord, I worship you,
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.
I give my life to honor this;
The love of Christ, the Saviour King!


Saviour King