I wake up some mornings thinking about Paul; or more accurately, thinking about my life without Paul. That happens on a fairly regular basis but certainly not as often as it used to. It's funny how something that happened so long ago, 10 years to be precise, can still often seem like just yesterday. Since Paul and I split up I feel like I have a much better idea of what God designed through the covenant of marriage and by extension, the covenant between Christ and His people. As many of us do, I took my marriage for granted. I truly believed that I would be married "til death do us part." And I believed we had the kind of love and relationship that could weather anything. So often, I feel like I don't fit anywhere anymore, especially in Christian settings. That's ridiculous because there are tons of Christian marriages that have, sadly, crashed and burned. I am not unique. And I think I need to give up on the idea of thinking that it's about time I "got over it." Christ dedicated His life and death and resurrection to His bride, the church. It is a never-ending covenant. If a marriage covenant is compared to Christ's covenant and that marriage covenant is dissolved then I think it is safe to say that it is O.K. for me to be floundering. It was never meant to be this way. So what do I do now? This is sort of the question I've been grappling with lately.
What do You want from me now Lord? The multiple ministries that I was involved in disappeared along with the husband. My life now consists of working, enjoying grandchildren, helping out kids when I can, and assisting my dad. That's not a bad list but apparently, there is a part of me that has been fighting a bit with God. Almost imperceptibly, I've been saying, "NO!" No, this can't be all there is. No, I thought we'd be the couple that survived. No, I won't wait for God to show me what to do. No, I won't struggle or be sad or lonely. No, the things I'm currently doing aren't important enough!
When I try to write my thoughts down, I tend to over-spiritualize things. Sometimes I think I write this way because I hope that the spiritualness will soak into me. If I put it on paper, maybe it will become truth. To a degree, it is helpful. But the fact of the matter is that regardless of what happened, the breakup of my marriage sucks. I'm doing well, I've reached a level of contentment that is also relatively pain-free in the room that used to contain a companion. I know that when Paul abandoned me, God did not. I know that I have not abandoned God though my faith is always a work in progress. I know that I can survive and I have experienced God's very near presence when I thought I wouldn't survive. I know that there are far harder things to go through in life than betrayal but I also have learned not to trivialize my feelings about it.
So for now, I just keep plugging away. I do not celebrate my singleness but instead, mourn the loss of my "coupleness." I do not feel a freedom to do whatever I want now that I am not married. (Well, I do snack in bed but that's a small thing.) I accept that there will probably always be a loneliness for that special relationship even though I know that the Lord is all I need. I accept that I cannot retire anytime soon but I am grateful for the job that God has given me. Life changes unexpectedly and no one is spared. I don't doubt that God is good and I don't doubt that He is using everything we experience for our good. Nothing profound for today - just keeping my head down and carrying on.
Friday, January 31, 2020
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Death at the Door
I wrote the following blog about a year and a half ago but couldn't bring myself to post it. Too personal? Too painful? Too negative? I'm not sure. I decided to post it today because I want to remember - how I felt, what happened, etc. And I want to remember to pray.
I'm not a morning person at all but I do appreciate waking up leisurely and starting my day slowly and enjoying my coffee with the birds. Around my house, the birds make a tremendous racket very early in the morning - as if they are heralding the day - but then they quiet down quite a bit. The worst thing to me about mornings is the alarm clock. I have to set 4 separate alarms in order to ensure that I get up in time to get to work. Paul used to wake me every morning and bring me my cup of coffee in bed. Hmmm, anyway...I digress.
It was my day off and of course, I had looked forward to sleeping in. But in this warm weather, if I manage to get my cats in at night (which is not easy), they are ready earlier than I am to start their morning. On this particular day, I was awakened too early by Lei Lei scratching on the screen door in my bedroom and she wanted out! This cat will drive me crazy until she gets her way so I have learned that the best thing to do is just get it over with quickly. I rolled out of bed, let her out, and crawled back into bed in under 60 seconds. And, in also under 60 seconds, that dang cat was back at the door with a good sized bird in her mouth! Even though I know she is just acting on the instinct that God put in her, I was not happy. I closed the curtains so I didn't have to watch.
A few minutes later I peered out the window. There was the bird, dead on the bricks, and completely whole and untouched. Lei Lei caught her because her instinct is to hunt. But she is a fat and sassy spoiled domestic cat so she had no need to devour her catch for food. The bird died for nothing and was just left abandoned.
The following week was 4th of July and my brother came up and stayed for five days. I love my brother but he and I, as adults, have often struggled in our relationship. There are lots of issues but they aren't relevant right now. What is important to me about my brother is that he is fairly miserable, very lonely, and basically completely without hope. We have spent countless hours over the years discussing God, Christ, faith, salvation, etc. and still he clings to his excuses about why it all doesn't work for him. This trip was no different. We talked one night for several hours about this subject and it is impossible to describe the crazy circles we went in without really any mutual understanding or progress. I left him feeling like I had completely failed the Lord - even though I know in my head that it isn't me - it's the Holy Spirit that must work in his life. Still, God has entrusted me with the knowledge of Him and while I ache for everyone who doesn't have a saving faith in Christ, my family is at the top of my prayer list. I am heartbroken every time Tim goes back home, knowing that he is still searching, questioning, agonizing, and resisting.
As I watched him that night, pacing in an almost frantic way, feverishly trying to convince me that God has to work differently if He really loves us and that "religion" has done more damage than any other institution, I realized that he was further away from God than I thought. The Bible talks about Satan "taking away the Word" from someone and that Satan is a "liar and the father of lies" and that "there is no truth in him". (See Like 8:12 and John 8:44) Tim has bought into a lot of lies and Satan has brought chaos and confusion to his mind. I am convinced of it! Honestly, it was like spending hours in some sort of alternate reality. I Peter says that "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour". I felt like Satan was circling Tim, waiting for just the right moment to go in for the kill. I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic. It was eerie to watch this person that I love be so agitated and really almost distraught.
For days since he left, I have pondered the whole experience. What could I have said or done differently? Why doesn't God move forcefully in Tim's life? How did he get to this place? How do I pray for him? The sad fact is that death is at his door. It hasn't been welcomed in yet but it is there, waiting. But I'm convinced that my brother is still alive because God is waiting also. I continue to pray for him and I hope that he will respond to the Lord before it is too late. Anybody who dies without Christ dies for nothing, just like the unfortunate bird. Satan doesn't care one iota for us. His joy is in the kill and then he abandons his catch. God loves us infinitely and offers us life forever with Him. But while I didn't want to watch Lei Lei dispatch the bird I cannot turn away from someone I love, no matter how painful it is to watch.
God's ways are mysterious and I have such a limited awareness of how He works. I don't have the answers to Tim's questions that he wants. But I KNOW that I am saved and I know that Christ has done all He needs to do for this world. I also know that as believers, we all have loved ones that are far away from the truth. I tend to over-spiritualize when I try to get my thoughts written down and I don't want to do that. But I carry a sadness inside me for these lost loved ones and I want God to remind me constantly to lift them up to Him. God is my all-in-all! I am so blessed! I want so much for my brother to know Him also.
So I will wait. And I will pray. And I will attempt to stand in the gap for him (Eze. 22:30) until such time as he can join me on faith's side.
I'm not a morning person at all but I do appreciate waking up leisurely and starting my day slowly and enjoying my coffee with the birds. Around my house, the birds make a tremendous racket very early in the morning - as if they are heralding the day - but then they quiet down quite a bit. The worst thing to me about mornings is the alarm clock. I have to set 4 separate alarms in order to ensure that I get up in time to get to work. Paul used to wake me every morning and bring me my cup of coffee in bed. Hmmm, anyway...I digress.
It was my day off and of course, I had looked forward to sleeping in. But in this warm weather, if I manage to get my cats in at night (which is not easy), they are ready earlier than I am to start their morning. On this particular day, I was awakened too early by Lei Lei scratching on the screen door in my bedroom and she wanted out! This cat will drive me crazy until she gets her way so I have learned that the best thing to do is just get it over with quickly. I rolled out of bed, let her out, and crawled back into bed in under 60 seconds. And, in also under 60 seconds, that dang cat was back at the door with a good sized bird in her mouth! Even though I know she is just acting on the instinct that God put in her, I was not happy. I closed the curtains so I didn't have to watch.
A few minutes later I peered out the window. There was the bird, dead on the bricks, and completely whole and untouched. Lei Lei caught her because her instinct is to hunt. But she is a fat and sassy spoiled domestic cat so she had no need to devour her catch for food. The bird died for nothing and was just left abandoned.
The following week was 4th of July and my brother came up and stayed for five days. I love my brother but he and I, as adults, have often struggled in our relationship. There are lots of issues but they aren't relevant right now. What is important to me about my brother is that he is fairly miserable, very lonely, and basically completely without hope. We have spent countless hours over the years discussing God, Christ, faith, salvation, etc. and still he clings to his excuses about why it all doesn't work for him. This trip was no different. We talked one night for several hours about this subject and it is impossible to describe the crazy circles we went in without really any mutual understanding or progress. I left him feeling like I had completely failed the Lord - even though I know in my head that it isn't me - it's the Holy Spirit that must work in his life. Still, God has entrusted me with the knowledge of Him and while I ache for everyone who doesn't have a saving faith in Christ, my family is at the top of my prayer list. I am heartbroken every time Tim goes back home, knowing that he is still searching, questioning, agonizing, and resisting.
As I watched him that night, pacing in an almost frantic way, feverishly trying to convince me that God has to work differently if He really loves us and that "religion" has done more damage than any other institution, I realized that he was further away from God than I thought. The Bible talks about Satan "taking away the Word" from someone and that Satan is a "liar and the father of lies" and that "there is no truth in him". (See Like 8:12 and John 8:44) Tim has bought into a lot of lies and Satan has brought chaos and confusion to his mind. I am convinced of it! Honestly, it was like spending hours in some sort of alternate reality. I Peter says that "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour". I felt like Satan was circling Tim, waiting for just the right moment to go in for the kill. I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic. It was eerie to watch this person that I love be so agitated and really almost distraught.
For days since he left, I have pondered the whole experience. What could I have said or done differently? Why doesn't God move forcefully in Tim's life? How did he get to this place? How do I pray for him? The sad fact is that death is at his door. It hasn't been welcomed in yet but it is there, waiting. But I'm convinced that my brother is still alive because God is waiting also. I continue to pray for him and I hope that he will respond to the Lord before it is too late. Anybody who dies without Christ dies for nothing, just like the unfortunate bird. Satan doesn't care one iota for us. His joy is in the kill and then he abandons his catch. God loves us infinitely and offers us life forever with Him. But while I didn't want to watch Lei Lei dispatch the bird I cannot turn away from someone I love, no matter how painful it is to watch.
God's ways are mysterious and I have such a limited awareness of how He works. I don't have the answers to Tim's questions that he wants. But I KNOW that I am saved and I know that Christ has done all He needs to do for this world. I also know that as believers, we all have loved ones that are far away from the truth. I tend to over-spiritualize when I try to get my thoughts written down and I don't want to do that. But I carry a sadness inside me for these lost loved ones and I want God to remind me constantly to lift them up to Him. God is my all-in-all! I am so blessed! I want so much for my brother to know Him also.
So I will wait. And I will pray. And I will attempt to stand in the gap for him (Eze. 22:30) until such time as he can join me on faith's side.
Saturday, January 11, 2020
Fear of the Unknown
I can't escape the pain, you know? Everywhere I look right now is pain. God tells me that He is Hope. It's hard to find hope sometimes. A friend ravaged by cancer, children and grandchildren moving away, marriages coming unglued, loneliness (both mine and other's), disabilities, physical pain, a loved one that rejects God. So much suffering and heartache. I try. I want to remain strong. I want to remain hopeful. I want to be able to give hope - to give The Hope.
But lately, I've given in. Not too long ago I stayed in bed, all day, never got dressed. And then I felt guilty so I got productive for a short time and then got back in bed. NCIS, The Blacklist, The Big Bang Theory, wine. They're not doing it for me. My go-to escapes aren't working.
I imagine that is because they aren't supposed to work. God doesn't want me to turn to anything but Him. And yet I keep trying. Why? We are studying the book of Exodus in Bible Study. I am quick to judge the Israelites when they bitched and moaned to Moses. God had just delivered them out of Egypt and horrible lives of slavery. They witnessed multiple amazing miracles and yet, very quickly, they turned away from God. Their trust didn't last more than about 6 weeks and then they wanted to go back to Egypt - back to certain slavery. The horror of the known was preferable to the fear of the unknown.
Is that me?
But lately, I've given in. Not too long ago I stayed in bed, all day, never got dressed. And then I felt guilty so I got productive for a short time and then got back in bed. NCIS, The Blacklist, The Big Bang Theory, wine. They're not doing it for me. My go-to escapes aren't working.
I imagine that is because they aren't supposed to work. God doesn't want me to turn to anything but Him. And yet I keep trying. Why? We are studying the book of Exodus in Bible Study. I am quick to judge the Israelites when they bitched and moaned to Moses. God had just delivered them out of Egypt and horrible lives of slavery. They witnessed multiple amazing miracles and yet, very quickly, they turned away from God. Their trust didn't last more than about 6 weeks and then they wanted to go back to Egypt - back to certain slavery. The horror of the known was preferable to the fear of the unknown.
Is that me?
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