Waiting

I've been wrestling with God a bit and finally decided that it might benefit me to get my thoughts down on paper. I find that often this helps me clarify issues and, sometimes, actually allows me to hear what God has been trying to say to me. So...

I've been thinking about waiting. I remember being pregnant and the long wait for the much anticipated birth. That's a good kind of waiting. I was excited. I was anxious to meet my baby. But in the meantime, I had things to do and preparations to make. Those preparations added to the whole atmosphere of wonder and awe and gratefulness for how God was blessing me.

But what about when we are waiting for things that aren't so good? I have been so conscious lately of the difficulties in many lives. What about waiting for a job? You apply everywhere you can think of and still nothing comes through and the bills continue to pile up. Or maybe you already have a job but it's so miserable that you hate waking up to face it five days a week. And yet, God doesn't seem to give you a way out, at least not yet. Many, many years ago, Paul's mother was very ill with cancer. We had prayed for miracles, for physical healing, but God said, "No." His miracle was to take her home. Waiting for that miracle was agony. She got worse, she didn't know us, she suffered. We took to borrowing an empty hospital room so that we had a place to pray and we begged God to end it! We had accepted that she was not going to be healed in this earthly lifetime so we became anxious for her to wake up on heaven's side. We waited.

How do we understand God's timing? Can we understand God's timing? We can rejoice while we are waiting on God for things that we count as blessings but can we rejoice as we trudge inevitably towards tragedy? I have friends whose tiny daughter will have surgery this week. Each day brings them one day closer to the day they will turn her over to doctors who will cut into her little body. They rejoice in the fact that the outcome will, Lord willing, solve this little one's physical issues but they still have to watch her suffer, be fearful, and then go through the operation and recovery. Other times, we aren't assured of such a positive result. I remember a family member laboring to deliver a child that she already knew was no longer with her but was already held by God. She still had to suffer through labor with absolutely no promise or hope of a reward at the end. Life can be so incredibly painful!

How must Jesus have felt as each day brought him a step closer to the cross? I don't tend to think about that because I have this idea that His suffering was tempered by His all-knowing ability. After all, He was God, He knew what He would go through, but He also knew the end result and He understood why He was going to suffer. But even God in the flesh was subject to the terrible suffering that sin had caused. Just because He was Christ didn't mean that He was exempt. In fact, His suffering was unimaginable, at least to me. And yet, He willingly walked towards it and, for my sake, embraced it.

I often question the "why" of things. What is the purpose of a miscarriage? Couldn't a person just skip that? Is it really necessary for a couple to go through the sting of infertility? What about my failed marriage? I feel like I'm waiting, day after day, for...something. I have no idea for what. How is God using this in my life or in the lives of those around me? And couldn't He have accomplished His will some other way? Why are some marriages still intact but so empty and lonely? Must our little ones be bullied, teased, or left out? And why do some struggle with disabilities?

I am not sure that I will ever understand the point of the personal pains that have affected those I love. However, I do not doubt that God is in control. As a Christian, I know that I am commanded to submit to God. Part of submission is releasing to Him the "why" of things. It is a helpless feeling, waiting as calamity approaches and knowing that you cannot step out of its path. Such is the nature of our human existence, calm days and then tornadoes. Yet the Bible tells me that He knew me, formed me, chose me, and designed me for a purpose. Me! God has things for me to do that are only for me, a purpose beyond myself but a purpose uniquely mine. The same is true for each one of us. Do I trust the Lord? Can I trust Him with my pain? Or harder still, can I trust Him with my children and their suffering? The question isn't, "Can I?" The question is, "Will I?" And while I wait, will I glorify Him? I hope and pray so. Nothing else makes sense.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to Him,
    and He will direct your paths.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Psalm 139                 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/? search=psalms%20139&version=NIV

While I Am Waiting - John Waller      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHztEiKko0E

My Trip

For the second year in a row, I flew to Maryland to visit my very good friend, Carole Sue. She and her husband, Norm, graciously had given me air miles so that I could get back there. Carole Sue and I have been friends for 40 years and this post is as much about enduring friendships as it is about what we did when we were together.

I left Paso Robles right after work on a Thursday and drove to Santa Barbara where I was spending the night with another dear friend, Marilyn. Marilyn and I hadn't seen each other in months and I was looking forward to getting caught up with her. It was an interesting start to my trip. Poor Marilyn was having septic tank issues and though a repairman had been to her house several days in a row, there was still no fix in sight. We couldn't flush! We joked about bonding and becoming even better friends over a shared toilet bowl. I offered to get us a hotel room but Marilyn said it was Fiesta in Santa Barbara. That meant there wouldn't be any lodging to be found. No worries. We sat and talked for hours and limited our liquid intake.

The next morning, I left Marilyn's and drove through my old neighborhood in Goleta to where the S.B. Airbus was located. What a great idea! I caught the Airbus to LAX. It was a pleasant, relaxing drive without the stress of navigating L.A. traffic and I was dropped off right at my Southwest terminal. I dozed off and on during the 5 1/2 hour flight. I had managed to only have a carry-on so I was on the curb very shortly after landing. Carole Sue was waiting in a cell phone lot so I texted her to "Come and Get It!!" The text I got back said, "It's the black car." Hmmm. Here is what I could see...

Fortunately, she could see me better than I could see her! I hadn't laid eyes on Carole Sue in over a year but as soon as we were together the months fell away. I've known her for so long. We grew as women together, raised children together, vacationed together. We've each seen our children married, celebrated the births of grandchildren, buried a parent. For most of those years, there were four of us. Her husband, Norm, and my (ex) husband were also the best of friends. It's actually a bit painful at times to be with Norm and Carole Sue. It is so obvious that someone is missing. However, long-standing friendships are precious and few and there is no way that I will ever allow a divorce to separate me from these fabulous cohorts.

After a full day of traveling, I had four days with the Mayfields. Carole Sue and I love to shop together so the first day after arriving, we joyfully set off for an adventure. We stopped first at a little quirky store that had lots of toys and souvenirs but they also had postcards. That's what I was looking for and Carole Sue waited patiently while I picked up a card for each grandchild. What kid doesn't love to get mail? On the way out of the store I headed confidently for "the black car." Unfortunately, it was not Carole Sue's black car and I startled the person who was sitting in the front seat. I sheepishly followed Carole Sue to the right car and then she, ever the diplomat, scooted back to explain and apologize to the other driver. Next we visited a consignment store. We happily poked around for several hours. Carole Sue had just had a birthday and I was hoping she would find something she loved so that I could buy it for her. Score!! I actually found her a really cute dress right before the store was closing and on my final pass through the racks. I had to talk her into it but I think she was glad later. She looked fabulous!!

The next day was Sunday and I surprised everyone (especially myself) by getting up and ready in time to make it to church by 9 a.m. It was a great service and I loved the worship. I've been in the pre-school department at my own church for months and while I could attend the early service, the fact is that I don't. It's been a sticking point for me. It was so nice to be somewhat anonymous and be able to soak it all in even though I was a bit foggy due to jet lag. We later enjoyed the beautiful day for a while out on the patio of the church.

Carole Sue spoils me (one of the few advantages of not seeing each other often) so she cooked awesome meals. After church, we ate out on their deck. The menu? Waffles from scratch, bacon, and fresh fruit. Delicious! In the evening we headed over to a little beach that is just for the use of their community. Did I mention that the weather was beautiful?

On Monday, Norm went to work and Carole Sue and I took off for a little tourist town called St. Michaels. It was about an hour away on the Eastern Shore. Do I sound like I know where I was? It reminded me a lot of Cambria and we had a great time looking in all the little shops. Just before we got to the town I spotted what I thought was an eagle. I was so excited! I made Carole Sue turn around and go back, pull over on the shoulder of the highway, and wait while I took a couple of pictures. It actually turned out to be an osprey but it was still cool.

On my last full day in Annapolis, Carole Sue and I went to another consignment shop called Honeysuckle. It is a really nice store and we had gone together there last year as well. It has become an annual tradition. We spent a contented three hours there. Funny thing - we found the exact same dress that I had bought Carole Sue but this one was in my size. I tried it on but unfortunately, while it looked great on Carole Sue, it was not right for me. We joked about how crazy it would have been to have matching dresses at our age.

After Honeysuckle, we made what we thought would be a quick stop at Sam's Club. Carole Sue wanted me to give her my opinion on some frames for new glasses. I'm afraid I just muddied the water and no frames were chosen. I waited in the book department while Carole Sue ran to grab grapes and a couple of other items and then we headed to the parking lot. We stood by Carole Sue's car, the black one, while she somewhat frantically searched for her cell phone. As she looked through her handful of purse, grapes, keys, glasses frames...Wait! What? We were shocked to find that Carole Sue had walked all through Sam's Club and clear out to her car with a hot pair of frames with no lenses. We hurriedly stuffed the purloined frames into her purse, ran back into the store, and furtively slipped them back onto the display. We then retraced her steps through the store looking for the lost phone only to eventually find it ... in her car... the black one. We laughed all the way home.

Too soon, it was time to leave. How did it go so fast? Come to think of it, when did we get this old? In a flash the hours waiting in the airport passed, the hours on the plane passed, the dash from one terminal to another dragging my dilapidated carry-on so I could catch my bus passed, the ride back to Santa Barbara, and then finally the drive home. A few days in Maryland over for another year but a 40-year friendship that will last forever.

Oh, and look what I found tucked into my suitcase after I left.

Somehow, after I had admired these earrings in St. Michaels, Carole Sue managed to buy them without my noticing and hid them for me to find later - another awesome memory.