Pride (or) My Husband Might Be Happier Without Me

Understand this - This is a positive post! My girls don't always get that and sometimes the things I write make them sad. (I'm so blessed by how much my four daughters care about me!) But for me, positive perspective and conviction usually come from painful reflection or realization. It's a process for me, one that feels like it has been very slow, a little like pulling a bandage off a tiny bit at a time. In the end, though, healing  can begin once the air hits that newly revealed skin.

I seem to go from one extreme to the other in terms of how I feel towards and relate to other people. I'm either a bit of a hard-ass and none too sensitive (my daughters have experienced far too much of this, sorry girls) or I feel so much compassion/pity/sympathy/whatever for someone that it clouds my judgement and inhibits me from really seeing them objectively. It is from this second viewpoint that I have often been looking at my ex and consequently, it has kept me in a state of confusion and conflict. I'm not saying that I shouldn't feel compassion for him. I mean, after all, he gave me up. Who wouldn't feel for him? ☺ He will always be the father of my children and he filled my whole adult life so there is no getting away from that. However, I have to learn a different way of living now and I've struggled with that.

My girls have told me, on a number of occasions, that they aren't convinced that he is that unhappy without any of us. I'll never believe that he's happier without much connection to his daughters or grandchildren but that, of course, is coming from my heart. But is he happier without me? There's the question. I haven't wanted really to even consider that possibility. And it doesn't matter if I wanted him back or not. It's the thought that maybe he is kicking himself for leaving me, bemoaning his miserable, lonely existence, missing what he had, begging God for resolution, etc. that has consoled me a bit. Consolation - weird word to use here, but fitting, I think. What is a consolation prize? It's a prize for someone who has already lost! A joke, really. A prize that says, "Here, you're a loser but thanks for trying." So I had lost my husband but have been hanging onto the thought that, at the very least, he regretted his actions. And I  believe he does have many regrets. But what if he isn't all that unhappy with the consequences of those actions?

Can I accept this idea? What if he didn't really want to be my husband and just didn't know how to get out of it? What if he is happier being on his own? What if, in his heart, he is too self-centered to sustain a viable relationship? I honestly don't know because we do not communicate and I don't want to assume or pretend to know what he is feeling or thinking. The important thing here is how this makes me feel.

When I began to consider, and then finally embrace, the idea that maybe he wasn't as miserable as I thought he should be, I got pretty down. I was surprised by how heavy that thought felt and struggled with discouragement and sadness. Normal, I believe, but still tough. I mean, if the man you committed your life to doesn't want you anymore, of course, you're going to feel like a piece of shit for a while. But then you move beyond that and I had. I knew that I hadn't been the perfect wife but I had at least gotten to the point where I also knew that the problems had to have gone so deep and it wasn't all about me. Nevertheless, to realize that he might not be thinking of me every single minute was somewhat of a revelation. (I know I should perhaps have  gotten to this point sooner but I'm slow that way.) And this week, after I worked through the depression of that insight, a new emotion emerged - FREEDOM!

That's right. It is a freeing thought. Don't get me wrong - there is still a lot of sadness. I never wanted my marriage to break up and will always live with that loss. But I've been so stuck and couldn't seem to let anything go. But now? Maybe he loved me, maybe not. Maybe he misses me, maybe not. Maybe he wishes he'd done things differently, maybe he never even ponders any of it. It doesn't have to matter to me anymore. It's done. While I'll always be connected to him, I don't have to let that strangle me. Sure, it hurts my pride to think that I didn't measure up, in his eyes. The Bible has so much to say about pride and none of it is good. It's definitely been a humbling experience since Paul left but I have clung to my pride, at times, like a lifeline. And it has been dragging me down, sinking me, overwhelming me - my connection to him defining me.

Hopefully, no longer. As God's child, I need to see my reflection in His eyes, not in the eyes of a human who rejected me. I'm no holier than Paul and I cannot expect him to be less sinful than me. I have worshiped him far too long! Thoughts of him have consumed me - that makes him an idol. He has crowded out the space that God should rightfully occupy. But truthfully, I've really been thinking mostly of myself and that is simple and sinful pride. What if it is true that Paul doesn't miss me that much? Does that make me any less in God's eyes? Praise God, no! So I'm working on hanging on to that lifeline! And God will never disappoint, fail, abandon, forget, or love me any less!

A.T. & T., Part 2

This is a short update to my previous post about my frustrating conversation with an A.T. & T. representative. If you need to get caught up, click
http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2013/02/hello-at-t.html.

Anyway, this particular rep was apparently quite efficient in his own way because not even four days after I had spoken with him, I got a letter in the mail from DIRECTV.

"Dear Paul Brown,

(Let me explain right here that the DIRECTV bill is the last remaining item that is in both our names and I will be rectifying that very soon.)

   Thank you for your recent order. You will begin receiving AT & T customer savings on your upcoming monthly statements. Here is your confirmation #... and the description of your order: 'request to opt-in to single bill with AT & T' for a bundled discount.

Sincerely,

DIRECTV"

Request? Single bill? Bundled? You have got to be kidding! If you read the last AT & T blog, you know that I did not request or order anything. So I called the 800 number on the back of the letter. I got DIRECTV so I told them that I never requested this "bundled offering".

Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am. You will have to call AT & T.

Seriously? You've got to be kidding! I was ticked off now. My poison oak had made me very cranky and I had no patience for AT & T. I called them.

Thank you for calling AT & T. How may I help you?

I got a confirmation letter today for a bundled discount with DIRECTV which I did not request or order. I DON'T want this offer.

Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am. Let me check into that for you. Oh, yes I see. It has been processed and approved.
(She sounded like I should be celebrating this fact.)

I don't want it.

Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am. Let me see if I can debundle this for you. Oh, it has been processed and approved.

I don't care. I don't want it. I didn't ask for it. I was so frustrated with the last AT & T rep that I wrote about him!

Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am. Let me see if I can debundle this for you.

Long pause.........

Still trying to debundle.

Long pause.........

O.K. ma'am. I have successfully debundled your order. Would you like a confirmation number?

Uh, YES! Thank you so much for your help. Did you register my complaint about the other rep?

Yes ma'am. We have his I.D. I have noted your dissatisfaction. Is there anything else I can do for you?

No, thanks. You've been very helpful. I won't write about you.

Thank you for calling AT & T.

One Day...

One day, I won't cry over you anymore.
One day, you'll be sorry.
One day, you'll look back and wonder.
One day, I won't.
One day, I'll thank God for what was.
One day, you'll thank Him too.
One day, you'll long for what you threw away.
One day, I'll look forward to what will be.
One day, I'll accept what's in the past.
One day, you'll wish you could do it all over.
One day, you'll let go of yourself.
One day, I'll let go of you, too.

One day...

It's Complicated

So, I was sitting in bed tonight, zoning out with T.V. and waiting for the little magic pill that the doc gave me to kick in and knock me out. I've got a bad case of poison oak and sleeping has been miserable, if not impossible, so I went to MedStop after church today and got some drugs. Hope they help. Meanwhile...not much on T.V. So, for some odd reason, I watched the movie "It's Complicated." In case you don't know, it's about a couple who have been divorced for ten years due to the man's infidelity. The man has remarried (to a much younger woman) and he and his ex-wife have a brief affair together. I'd seen the movie before and my girls thought I was crazy to watch it the first time. Maybe. But I was desperate for something to take my mind off the itching. Anyway,  there may have been some nuggets of truth in the movie - as well as a lot of poor choices. But tonight, I'm just going to comment on the nuggets...

The ex-wife, played by Meryl Streep, is building an addition to her house and remodeling some other parts of the house. She tells her architect to re-do her bathroom and leave out the "his and hers" sinks. She wants just a "hers." He tries to tell her that it would be better to have two sinks and that she might need one in the future. She replies, "Sometimes, having two sinks just makes me sad." I can relate to that. I am living in the same house that Paul and I shared and for the most part, it's been fine. I love it here and God has enabled me to separate (emotionally) the house from Paul. That second sink, however, is a sad reminder in the morning. When Donny and Melissa were living with me, one of their cats was terrorizing one of my cats so my cat developed the strange habit of peeing in Paul's sink. How's that for poetic justice? But now I don't have that distraction anymore. (Thankfully, though I miss Donny and Melissa, once their cats were gone there were no more weird cat pee incidents.) It's sort of like having a big walk-in closet that you used to share. I had to just spread all my stuff out and buy more stuff to take care of that problem. ☺ But the extra sink?

The most interesting part of the movie to me was how Meryl's character began to see her ex after they reconnected at their son's college graduation. She was caught up - in the history they shared, in the attention (from a currently unhappily married man), in the "not alone anymore-ness", in the "what ifs" and self-doubt. She seemed to forget the bad stuff and covered it over with enough good stuff to blind her just a bit. I've struggled with that myself. I cannot always, can't even mostly, see Paul as the bad guy. No matter what, he was my husband for many years, the father of my children, and I loved him very much. At the end of the movie, Meryl tells her kids that though she and their dad aren't getting back together, he will always be a part of her. I can relate to that as well. I don't mean the getting back together part. That wasn't really an option that I was ever given. But Paul always will be a part of me and that sometimes causes conflict and turmoil inside myself. I need perspective and pray often for wisdom. I want to see him objectively, as a sinner just like me, but I don't want to sugar coat what happened so that it blinds me to the truth. Meryl also tells her kids that "knowing how to be divorced is just impossible." So true!!

I read a review today on the book "A Grace Revealed-How God Redeems the Story of Your Life" by Jerry Sittser. The author had lost his wife, daughter, and mother in a tragic car accident. He says,

 "As we surrender to Christ, God's story, the story, can envelop and transform all other stories, "however sensational or mundane, tragic or happy." Sittser sees himself "as a witness to this truth: God redeems our stories through him. If you dare to surrender yourself to God, he will take up the story of your life and integrate it into the great story of salvation, turning it into something so extraordinary that you will be tempted to think it was all a beautiful dream."

What will I allow God to make of my story? What would happen if I dared to surrender it all to Him?

Then I followed that up with an article on grace. James 2:10 says,

"For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is become guilty of all."

That's me God is talking about - guilty of all. I am no better than Paul (or anyone else), I am no purer, I am no more worthy. Beginning to grasp that concept has helped me to forgive Paul, to continue to care about him though I can't live with him, to be able to pray for him, and is drawing me, I hope, closer to God. When I dwell on the injustice to me and let that fuel anger and bitterness, my relationship to God and His grace suffers and begins to feel a little distant.


All this out of a crazy movie? You never know what thoughts will spin around in your head while you're trying not to scratch. Lord, let the transforming of my story begin!

Hello, AT & T

Hello, AT & T. How may I assist you? (lots of background chatter, yelling, etc. all with an Indian accent.)

I'd like to talk about my phone bill. I need to see if I can get a cheaper plan.

Let me pull up your account. I'd be glad to help you with that. Hold please................. Do you have internet service with us?

No, but you can't provide me with internet where I live. It's too rural.

Let me check for you. .......................................................What is your zip code?

93446. But you can't give me internet. And I get no cell phone reception, which is why I still have my land line. About my telephone bill...

Hold please....................... I show you have internet available in your area. It's yours.

What?

It's yours. YOURS.

I don't know what you're telling me.

Hold please.................. I show we have internet available in your area. I can bundle it with your phone bill and it will be less expensive. What do you have for T.V.?

Direct TV.

Hold please.......... Oh, we can bundle that in as well. What stations do you watch?

Oh, I don't know. I get, like, 150 channels.

So you just get the local stations?

Well, no (frustration level rising), I get more than just local. But I don't get premium channels like Showtime or HBO.

O.K. So you just have a basic package. I can bundle that in too. We can provide internet service for $14.95 a month.

I highly doubt that. How can you guarantee to me that you can provide internet service to me? 

Hold please............ I show we have internet service available in your area. It's yours.

Are you saying you have internet service somewhere in the 93446 zip code area or are you looking at my specific address?

I show we have service at your address. It's YOURS.

What are you saying to me?

Yours. YOURS. That's our internet service.

How do you spell that?

U V E R S E. Yours. You can go to our website at att.uverse.com and put in your zip code and you will see that we have service available in your area.

Hold on. Let me get to that website...................I don't see anyplace to put in a zip code.

I show we have internet service in your area. Shall I sign you up for it starting next month?

What? No! I need to research this but my lunch hour is over. I'll have to call back when I have a few more hours.

Thank you for calling AT & T. Good day.

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me...

          we'd never discussed my phone service!!