Easter

Today will be my third Easter without Paul. In some ways, it seems like he's been gone forever. But other times, it's as if he were next to me just yesterday. That first Easter without him was the first time I went back to church. He had left on January 31st and I hadn't been to church since that day. I figured Easter was a good day to give it a try. I knew there would be so many people at church that I would be less noticed. I remember nothing else about that day except that I made it. Made it to church, made it through the day. And that was enough - for that day. I struggled for the whole next year with getting myself to church. So many memories were there and it was painful to be there. My attendance was irregular but I kept at it. Easter, 2011 approached and I read that our church would be having the Stations of the Cross for Good Friday. I decided to go, all by myself, and I was so blessed by the experience. I was needy and God met me there. I didn't have to wonder or struggle or question. I sat in the dark, read the folder that gave guidance on what to reflect on and how to pray, and slowly moved through Christ's suffering, death, and resurrection as well as pondered my own suffering.

For just about the whole next year I continued to struggle with the church thing. I visited other churches and finally settled on a tiny congregation of people that loved the Lord and were so welcoming to me. I knew I needed to be in church - wanted to be in church - but oh, it was difficult. Paul and I had been so involved and one of my greatest joys had been ministering along side of him. Now, everything was different. But that little congregation gave me breathing room and a little more time to heal and I am so grateful to them. I recently decided to come back to my old church. I had mixed feelings. The little church I had been attending had been like a balm to me, soothing and refreshing. But it didn't feel like home. Paul and I had been attending the same church since moving to Paso nearly 17 years ago. Somewhat reluctantly, I left the small group that had been a refuge for me and returned to my home church. That was about two months ago. While getting myself to church is still a struggle, I am no longer haunted by visions of Paul and for that, I am grateful.

And so it was with a lot of anticipation that I approached this Easter. I was looking forward to going to Stations of the Cross again. I went early in the day and there weren't very many people and that suited me just fine. Again I was blessed by the time I spent with the Lord as I contemplated Christ's sacrifice for me. I've been crying about my own losses long enough! Christ gave up His very throne in heaven, for a time, for me! I need to live for Him, not for myself. For the first time in a long time, I feel myself looking ahead. As I prayed on Good Friday, I asked the Lord to help me look up towards Him instead of inward, towards myself. I also asked Him to use me, somehow.

Melissa asked me yesterday that if I had known my marriage would end up like it has, would I have still gotten married. She wanted to know if I had regrets. It was a tough question and one I hadn't really thought about. I finally told her that I had no regrets and despite what has happened I have lots of good memories and of course, awesome daughters. I was reminded of something I had read in the book, One Thousand Gifts. The author, Ann Voskamp, was relating a conversation with her brother-in-law who had buried two children in less than two years. She said to him, "If it were up to me, I'd write this story differently!"

Her brother-in-law responded that maybe he didn't have to understand all that God allows. He tells her that maybe, just maybe, you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds. God knows how it all works out even though we don't. And all the loss we experience in this life draws us closer to the God who loves us endlessly.

So that is where I want to be this Easter. I want to let God write my story and I want to trust Him fully with the plot of my life. I want to be filled with the joy of His salvation and rejoice in the fact that He chose me! In the end, I will spend eternity with the God who gave Himself fully for me. This in-between stuff? It's just the movie trailer.