Last Christmas was sort of tragically pathetic, but since I have a rather sick sense of humor, I can chuckle about it today. I was remembering last Christmas because I have begun to think about the holidays. It's almost November and once again, the season has crept up on me and I will soon be feeling uninspired, overwhelmed, and frantic. I hate that. I wish I was the type of person who planned and prepared all year long. Who am I kidding? That is never going to happen. There might still be time, though, for me to put a little forethought into the holiday season. We'll see. Anyway, back to last Christmas...
It was my first Christmas without a husband (no, I'm not a widow, although violence has occasionally crossed my mind). My youngest and her family were in Arizona and could not come home for the holidays. The other three were going to have their own family stuff at their houses first and then everyone was going to come up to my house for Christmas dinner and gifts for the little ones. It was a different plan than we had done in the past but I think we were all feeling like we just couldn't do things the same as we had always done. It wasn't the same, never would be the same again, and we just couldn't face the hole that betrayal had left.
The kids did come over on Christmas Eve for our traditional soup supper and stocking fest. My dog, Dakota, seemed a bit off and I decided to keep her locked up in my bedroom for the evening. The little ones made her nervous even when she was feeling well. Dakota had been Jenny's dog until she left home and now was really my husband's but of course, when he bailed, he left her behind. For a while, she had looked for him every morning (they used to walk down to the mailbox together) and every evening for a little roughhousing. She had made the transition, finally, and now had settled for me. She'd always been a little crazy and high strung and even though she was 12 or 13 years old, she could still tear up our long driveway in front of my car. When I went to my room later that Christmas Eve, I realized that she wasn't in any shape to run. She was very sick and was throwing up constantly. I moved her to the hall bathroom where it would be easier to clean up and she continued to get sick. She seemed excessively thirsty but would almost immediately throw up any water she drank. This went on all night long. I felt horrible for her but didn't know what to do. Neither one of us slept and by morning we were both exhausted. I sensed that things were getting critical but it was Christmas Day and I was just trying to survive. My dad and brother were supposed to come for breakfast and then the kids and grandkids were coming later in the day.
My dad woke up that morning and wasn't feeling well so he called to say he would skip breakfast. My brother never showed up. It was just me and Dakota and we were in sad shape. I love having animals but I am filled with such heaviness when it becomes apparent that they are at the end of their lives. I had to face the fact that Dakota was dying. She was so sick. I tried to start on Christmas dinner and I checked on her every few minutes. She continued to worsen. Finally, I could stand it no longer. I left everything as it was in the kitchen, put her in my car, and drove to the 24 hour emergency vet clinic in Atascadero. I called the kids on the way down and they all insisted that they wanted to come with me but some things I just have to do alone. This was one of them. The people at the clinic were so kind and I sat on the floor with Dakota until she was gone. I was relieved that she was no longer suffering but it seemed such a depressing end to a very difficult year. I got so angry about the fact that I was dealing with this by myself instead of sharing it with Paul. But those thoughts weren't doing me any good. I was glad for the long drive home so that I could cry for Dakota, for myself, for my kids, for my marriage. It gave me time to pull myself together and suck it up. It was Christmas Day! Really, who puts their dog down on Christmas Day! It just didn't seem fair.
When I arrived home Donny and Melissa were already there and were working on the dinner and setting the table. Everyone else arrived shortly thereafter (Zac with a beautiful turkey) and all pitched in to get the meal on the table. My kids and their husbands were awesome and in spite of the dog glitch we still ate relatively on time. Later, I was sitting on the couch enjoying a White Trash Margarita (*recipe to follow) and reflecting on the day. I realized that I was so tired from being up all night and had been so consumed by dealing with the dog that I hadn't had the time or energy to cry about the devastation that was my life. Dakota was an old dog, She had been hit by cars three times and had survived a rattlesnake bite. She was a tough old girl but wasn't going to live much longer. God, in His graciousness, chose that particular Christmas. Should I have been rejoicing in the celebration of Christ's birth? Of course! But He knew that I was so wounded and raw from all that had happened and He also knew my heart and mind would be on all that was wrong that year. I'm so grateful for His mercy to me that day and I'm grateful that He doesn't expect perfection from me. He used Dakota's death to ease me through a day that otherwise would have been much more painful. I'm looking forward to this Christmas. It has to be better than last year! But I remember last year with thankfulness for a little black dog that stood by me until the end and for the God who knew just what I needed.
*White Trash Margarita
Mix equal parts of Limeade frozen concentrate (do not dilute) and Vodka in a blender. Add plenty of ice and blend until slushy. Enjoy! (Can also be made with frozen Pink Lemonade.)
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Struggle
I feel so dried up lately - tired, discouraged, stagnant. One of the struggles revolves around church. I've gone to the same church for 16 years - ever since we moved to Paso. It has been my home and it's all I know here. But I can't go there anymore, at least not for now. When I'm there on a Sunday morning all I can see is the ghost of my almost ex-husband. I've tried and tried, prayed, pushed myself, but I just cannot get past it. My girls are struggling with similar issues so we've all been looking around for a new church home. It is a painful process but we are all feeling desperate, in a way, for something; desperate for the family-feel that church provides, the accountability, the sense of belonging. But I'm almost 60 and starting over is not as easy as it once was. Our family has suffered quite a number of different losses over the last few years and at times we wonder whether it will ever end. That got me to thinking about what we expect in this life and what the Bible says about our suffering.
Romans 5:3 tells me that suffering produces perseverance and from perseverance comes character and from character comes hope. And hope does not disappoint us. Not only that, it says we are to rejoice in our suffering. Uh, let me confess right now. There's no rejoicing going on here.
Romans 8:18 says that our present sufferings are not worth anything compared to the glory that is waiting for us.
So what's wrong with me? Why aren't I rejoicing? Why aren't I hopeful? I was reading a devotional by Max Lucado the other day. He was talking about how this world is not our destination. We're passing through, on our journey, but heaven is our final destination and that is what we need to be looking towards. He said,
"Do you feel as if your best years have passed you by? Hogwash. You will do your best work in heaven. Do you regret wasting seasons of life on foolish pursuits? So do I. But we can stop our laments. We have an eternity to make up for lost time. Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days? Then see yourself as an uncut jewel and God as a lapidary. He is polishing you for your place in his kingdom. Your biggest moments lie ahead, on the other side of the grave.
Romans 5:3 tells me that suffering produces perseverance and from perseverance comes character and from character comes hope. And hope does not disappoint us. Not only that, it says we are to rejoice in our suffering. Uh, let me confess right now. There's no rejoicing going on here.
Romans 8:18 says that our present sufferings are not worth anything compared to the glory that is waiting for us.
So what's wrong with me? Why aren't I rejoicing? Why aren't I hopeful? I was reading a devotional by Max Lucado the other day. He was talking about how this world is not our destination. We're passing through, on our journey, but heaven is our final destination and that is what we need to be looking towards. He said,
"Do you feel as if your best years have passed you by? Hogwash. You will do your best work in heaven. Do you regret wasting seasons of life on foolish pursuits? So do I. But we can stop our laments. We have an eternity to make up for lost time. Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days? Then see yourself as an uncut jewel and God as a lapidary. He is polishing you for your place in his kingdom. Your biggest moments lie ahead, on the other side of the grave.
So “seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God” (Col. 3:1 NKJV)."
I think I forget this a lot. I'm not looking up towards heaven. I've got my head down just watching myself put one foot in front of the other as I plod along. I'm tired of crying about my life. Don't get me wrong. I've got some legitimate pain and so do my girls. But how do we grasp the victorious living that is ours in Christ?
"seek those things which are above..."
I almost missed it. Colossians 3:2 repeats the thought - "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Is that the answer? I've been reading in Jeremiah. He was a prophet to Israel and for over 23 years he preached the same message: "Turn from sin. Obey God. Worship God." His message never changed and it was a pretty simple one and it is basically the same message that Colossians presents. I don't want to over simplify things but maybe I think too much. I want to glorify God. I want to please Him. I want to serve Him. I really do. But I struggle so much with the burdens of this world. I'm just looking down too much. Max Lucado said, "Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days?" Yes! I am!
O.K. I can be puzzled. I don't have to have all the answers because God's got it covered. I'm His jewel that He is preparing. He is going to bedazzle heaven with me! That is an awesome thought. I need to hang onto it and look up. I've struggled all week to get these thoughts written because I thought it might help me sort things out. Somehow, I have to take what I know in my head to be true and get it to my heart so I can live it out. I'm finding it easier said than done. I was listening to praise music tonight and the words of a song really hit home...
What could I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You.
I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe of the One who gave it all.
I'll stand, my soul, Lord to You surrendered,
All I am is Yours.
“’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’”.
(Isaiah 55:8-9)
O.K. I can be puzzled. I don't have to have all the answers because God's got it covered. I'm His jewel that He is preparing. He is going to bedazzle heaven with me! That is an awesome thought. I need to hang onto it and look up. I've struggled all week to get these thoughts written because I thought it might help me sort things out. Somehow, I have to take what I know in my head to be true and get it to my heart so I can live it out. I'm finding it easier said than done. I was listening to praise music tonight and the words of a song really hit home...
What could I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You.
I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
in awe of the One who gave it all.
I'll stand, my soul, Lord to You surrendered,
All I am is Yours.
“’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’”.
(Isaiah 55:8-9)
I pray that God gives me the courage and strength to offer myself completely to Him and to seek the things that are above. I'm sick and tired of my view of the ground.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Re-usable Grocery Bag Tutorial using a cat food bag
This is kind of a crazy post (really crazy) but I just thought it would be fun to try to make something out of one of those cat food bags that are so sturdy. Cat food, dog food, kitty litter, chicken feed, etc. are now coming in bags that aren't just paper. Some of them are sort of a webbed type plastic and they are very strong. So just for grins, I made a reusable grocery bag from a Purina cat food bag. Here's what I started with...
First, turn it inside out and sew across the bottom. I tried serging it also but my serger didn't like sewing on the plastic so I gave up that idea. By the way, the reason I had to sew across the bottom was because the cat food bag wasn't sealed at the bottom. It was simply folded up several times and taped.
Next, fold the bag so that you can sew triangles on the lower corners. This will make a box-type bottom for your bag.
Now sew straight across to form your triangle. When you're done with that, cut off the excess bag in the corner.
Turn your bag right side out. You can see how it is beginning to shape up compared to my purchased bag.
Obviously, it's a bit too tall so we'll have to cut it down a bit.
Now take one of these strips and fold the raw edges together, overlap them in the middle, and sew a zig zag stitch all the way around. You should come out with a circle strip that you can cut in half so that you will have two straps.
Take the body of your bag, turn down the top edge about an inch and sew a zig zag stitch all the way around.
Now all that's left is to attach the straps.
Done! Now you might not think it's too pretty but hey, it's absolutely free! And these bags are made to carry a heavy load. They are kind of stiff so they are easier to fill at the store than some of the fabric bags that are so limp. Also, they are waterproof so they'd be great to keep in the car for beach trips, etc. No need to worry about keeping them nice. When they've served their purpose or get wrecked you can just throw them into your recycling. I know - you're wondering why you didn't think of it!
First, turn it inside out and sew across the bottom. I tried serging it also but my serger didn't like sewing on the plastic so I gave up that idea. By the way, the reason I had to sew across the bottom was because the cat food bag wasn't sealed at the bottom. It was simply folded up several times and taped.
Next, fold the bag so that you can sew triangles on the lower corners. This will make a box-type bottom for your bag.
Now sew straight across to form your triangle. When you're done with that, cut off the excess bag in the corner.
Turn your bag right side out. You can see how it is beginning to shape up compared to my purchased bag.
Obviously, it's a bit too tall so we'll have to cut it down a bit.
Now, take the piece that you cut off the top and cut that in half. We're going to use one of the halves to make our handles.
Now take one of these strips and fold the raw edges together, overlap them in the middle, and sew a zig zag stitch all the way around. You should come out with a circle strip that you can cut in half so that you will have two straps.
Take the body of your bag, turn down the top edge about an inch and sew a zig zag stitch all the way around.
Now all that's left is to attach the straps.
Done! Now you might not think it's too pretty but hey, it's absolutely free! And these bags are made to carry a heavy load. They are kind of stiff so they are easier to fill at the store than some of the fabric bags that are so limp. Also, they are waterproof so they'd be great to keep in the car for beach trips, etc. No need to worry about keeping them nice. When they've served their purpose or get wrecked you can just throw them into your recycling. I know - you're wondering why you didn't think of it!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Crafting Again
Just thought I'd share with you a few of my projects that I've worked on lately. I'm trying to be more productive on my days off instead of just watching HGTV.
My two little granddaughters had birthdays recently. Felicity turned four and was having an owl themed birthday party so I made her this dress in keeping with the theme...
Audrey turned three and I wanted to make her a Raggedy Ann doll. I made them for my daughters when they were young and am now making them for the grandchildren. I think I got overconfident on this one because I didn't pay close enough attention and made quite a mistake.
Do you see the problem? Totally made the legs upside down. What a pain. I had already stuffed the whole doll and sewn it all together. The second picture shows it after I ripped the legs off. I had to start all over on the legs but fortunately, I got it all done and was able to ship it to Arizona in time for sweet Audrey's birthday.
My daughter, Melissa, loves all things peacock. I saw a picture on Pinterest of a peacock pin cushion. I thought it was going to be a tutorial on how to make it but instead, it was an Etsy shop that was selling them. I couldn't afford to buy it for her so I bought some felt and copied the picture. I think it came out pretty cute.
I wanted to save it and give it to her for her birthday but I was so pleased with myself that I gave it to her early. Yesterday, because I spoil Melissa, I tried something else for her. She has a necklace that she loves that was given to her by Donny's brother and his wife. They are missionaries in Africa and the necklace was made by African women out of rolled paper beads. She likes to wear the necklace but had no earrings to match it so I looked on Pinterest and sure enough, I found some directions to make rolled paper beads. I managed to make her a pair of earrings that resemble the necklace closely enough that she wore them today. It wasn't a process I particularly enjoyed but I may try it again sometime - if I have nothing else to do - if I'm really bored - if I have no fingernails left to bite.
My two little granddaughters had birthdays recently. Felicity turned four and was having an owl themed birthday party so I made her this dress in keeping with the theme...
Audrey turned three and I wanted to make her a Raggedy Ann doll. I made them for my daughters when they were young and am now making them for the grandchildren. I think I got overconfident on this one because I didn't pay close enough attention and made quite a mistake.
Do you see the problem? Totally made the legs upside down. What a pain. I had already stuffed the whole doll and sewn it all together. The second picture shows it after I ripped the legs off. I had to start all over on the legs but fortunately, I got it all done and was able to ship it to Arizona in time for sweet Audrey's birthday.
My daughter, Melissa, loves all things peacock. I saw a picture on Pinterest of a peacock pin cushion. I thought it was going to be a tutorial on how to make it but instead, it was an Etsy shop that was selling them. I couldn't afford to buy it for her so I bought some felt and copied the picture. I think it came out pretty cute.
I wanted to save it and give it to her for her birthday but I was so pleased with myself that I gave it to her early. Yesterday, because I spoil Melissa, I tried something else for her. She has a necklace that she loves that was given to her by Donny's brother and his wife. They are missionaries in Africa and the necklace was made by African women out of rolled paper beads. She likes to wear the necklace but had no earrings to match it so I looked on Pinterest and sure enough, I found some directions to make rolled paper beads. I managed to make her a pair of earrings that resemble the necklace closely enough that she wore them today. It wasn't a process I particularly enjoyed but I may try it again sometime - if I have nothing else to do - if I'm really bored - if I have no fingernails left to bite.
Friday, October 14, 2011
The Amazing "4 Minute Workout"
I hate to exercise! I cannot state this strongly enough. There is nothing about exercise that I like! I have a membership to the cheap gym - who can quibble with $10 a month - but I haven't been in at least 6 months. I've even stopped feeling guilty about not going and still paying. I'm big on guilt so this says a lot about how low I've sunk. Also, I'm pretty sure that I read somewhere that if you went to the gym twice a week for 5 minutes each time your cholesterol would drop dramatically and you could still eat butter. I'm pretty sure that was guaranteed. My body didn't get that memo, however, and my cholesterol did NOT drop, in spite of the fact that I cut down my Goldfish cracker consumption to one large box per week.
Anyway, I was browsing Pinterest (my new favorite time-waster) the other night and came across a short video about an Amazing 4 Minute Workout. According to the trainer on the video, this workout would burn as many calories as a 40 minute run and it would boost your metabolism for the next 12-36 hours.
O.K. This sounded like it had possibilities. I'm sure I could do just about anything for 4 minutes. I took my computer out to the dining room where Melissa was baking a Pecan Pie. I wanted her to support me and also I wanted to show her how buff and dedicated I was. The trainer explained that there would be a series of just 4 exercises that would be done for 20 seconds each, separated by 10 seconds of rest, and then the whole set repeated once. Simple. How could I lose? I started the video and prepared to get boosted! The first exercise was called the squat thrust push up. I had to drop to the floor, kick my legs out behind me, do a push up and then hop up to a standing position again. You were supposed to do as many as you could in 20 seconds. The girl on the video who was demonstrating did about 10 and she wasn't even breathing hard. I thought to myself, "This is awesome. I'll do 4 minutes a day and I'll lose 30 pounds in no time."
O.K. Go. Dropped to the floor, kicked my feet back. So far, so good. However, I realized, after I face-planted on the carpet, that I could not do a push up. You've got to be kidding! Not even one push up? Apparently not. My arms would not hold me. I jumped up and attempted 4 more times and face-planted 4 times as well. O.K. 10 seconds of rest. Yes! I can do this! Next was something called "Mountain Climbers". These consisted of dropping to the ground again, supporting your upper body with your arms and then sort of jogging in place with your back half. Hard to explain but I did fairly well on this part and soon jumped up for my 10 seconds of rest. I was starting to breathe hard. Next came "High knees" which was just running in place with your knees rising up to meet your chest. At this point, Melissa, bless her little heart, became my cheerleader. "Come on, Mom! It says 'High Knees', not 'Low Knees'. Pick up your feet. Get your knees up! You're hardly moving!"
O.K. I'm not hiring her for my personal trainer. I gratefully rested and then did 20 seconds of jumping jacks. Those I can do. Of course, by now, I was gasping for air, but I was halfway there! I can do this! The trainer instructed me to repeat the set. Uh oh. Squat, kick back, push ...plop. Try again. Same result. I figured I'd count it because after all, I was trying. By the time I got to the end of the 4 minutes I was in need of an oxygen mask and a stretcher and I hadn't done one single exercise correctly. Melissa was less than impressed but I decided it counted as an awesome workout since I was so winded. I happily grabbed the box of Goldfish crackers and headed back to my room for some more Pinterest. I wanted to look for the "Amazing 4 Minute Whole House Cleaning" video.
Anyway, I was browsing Pinterest (my new favorite time-waster) the other night and came across a short video about an Amazing 4 Minute Workout. According to the trainer on the video, this workout would burn as many calories as a 40 minute run and it would boost your metabolism for the next 12-36 hours.
O.K. This sounded like it had possibilities. I'm sure I could do just about anything for 4 minutes. I took my computer out to the dining room where Melissa was baking a Pecan Pie. I wanted her to support me and also I wanted to show her how buff and dedicated I was. The trainer explained that there would be a series of just 4 exercises that would be done for 20 seconds each, separated by 10 seconds of rest, and then the whole set repeated once. Simple. How could I lose? I started the video and prepared to get boosted! The first exercise was called the squat thrust push up. I had to drop to the floor, kick my legs out behind me, do a push up and then hop up to a standing position again. You were supposed to do as many as you could in 20 seconds. The girl on the video who was demonstrating did about 10 and she wasn't even breathing hard. I thought to myself, "This is awesome. I'll do 4 minutes a day and I'll lose 30 pounds in no time."
O.K. Go. Dropped to the floor, kicked my feet back. So far, so good. However, I realized, after I face-planted on the carpet, that I could not do a push up. You've got to be kidding! Not even one push up? Apparently not. My arms would not hold me. I jumped up and attempted 4 more times and face-planted 4 times as well. O.K. 10 seconds of rest. Yes! I can do this! Next was something called "Mountain Climbers". These consisted of dropping to the ground again, supporting your upper body with your arms and then sort of jogging in place with your back half. Hard to explain but I did fairly well on this part and soon jumped up for my 10 seconds of rest. I was starting to breathe hard. Next came "High knees" which was just running in place with your knees rising up to meet your chest. At this point, Melissa, bless her little heart, became my cheerleader. "Come on, Mom! It says 'High Knees', not 'Low Knees'. Pick up your feet. Get your knees up! You're hardly moving!"
O.K. I'm not hiring her for my personal trainer. I gratefully rested and then did 20 seconds of jumping jacks. Those I can do. Of course, by now, I was gasping for air, but I was halfway there! I can do this! The trainer instructed me to repeat the set. Uh oh. Squat, kick back, push ...plop. Try again. Same result. I figured I'd count it because after all, I was trying. By the time I got to the end of the 4 minutes I was in need of an oxygen mask and a stretcher and I hadn't done one single exercise correctly. Melissa was less than impressed but I decided it counted as an awesome workout since I was so winded. I happily grabbed the box of Goldfish crackers and headed back to my room for some more Pinterest. I wanted to look for the "Amazing 4 Minute Whole House Cleaning" video.
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