Compassion

Definition of Compassion:
          a sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it


I consider myself a compassionate person. Lately, however, I have been reflecting on what compassion truly entails. It occurs to me that sometimes, my compassion only reaches halfway. It is actually more of a judgement because it doesn't involve the "desire to alleviate" the other person's distress. Why is it that some people are ministered to more easily? Why can I be so empathetic with one and so harsh with another?

Emotions definitely play a part in my reactions to people. I feel what I believe to be genuine compassion for my ex. Some don't understand that. "Why? He made his own choices. He's where he thought he wanted to be. Don't waste compassion on him. He did it to himself." Those statements are true but still I think about him in a compassionate way. I spent too many years loving and caring for him. Maybe it's because I don't see how he can NOT be distressed. He thinks he's happy but I think he's just deluded. Now that could be my pride talking. As I've shared before, I do tend to wonder how he can possibly live without me. But honestly, even apart from me, how can he exist outside the comforts of family? How does he reconcile his current life with what he once experienced? How does he see his daughters or grandchildren so infrequently? He's in a pit of his own making but he's too deceived to realize it. At least, that's what I think. Who really knows? But that's why I feel compassion for him - because he doesn't seem to know any better. And I would like to alleviate his distress. Unfortunately, I have no position in his life anymore. Thankfully, I can leave his soul to God, pray for him, but can also understand that his pit is not mine to decorate or destroy.

On the other hand, I met a young woman recently and spent just brief moments with her. She was suffering some over a breakup with a boyfriend who happened to be an older married man. Did I feel any compassion for her? No! Perhaps it hit too close to home. My attitude towards her was, "What did you expect, you dumb shit?" And yet, she was in a pit of her own making, just like I envision my ex to be. She needs the Lord. She is deceived and deluded. She is distressed. One of my daughters challenged me on my attitude. She asked me why I could be so compassionate with some but not others. I had to stop and ponder that question. She had a valid point. Perhaps it is because I had no vested interest in this young woman. She is virtually a stranger to me. Does that make her less worthy? The bottom line is that God asks us to love and serve others. Many are not deemed "deserving" in our feeble minds. Good thing that God doesn't take that approach with me.

The Lord describes Himself as "compassionate" in many verses in the Bible. My desire should be to be more like Him. That means having compassion for my ex while maintaining a healthy boundary and it also means having concern for the young woman who so unwittingly placed herself in a sinful, bound-to-fail situation. People are suffering all around me. I am struck more by that fact every day. I pray that God teaches me to rejoice in the compassion He has given so freely to me so that I can then offer His compassion to whoever crosses my path.

Colossians 3:12

New International Version (NIV)

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience.

Psalm 145:8

New International Version (NIV)

8 The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
    slow to anger and rich in love.

My Evening

Getting to hear about my grandkids' drum lessons, ballet lessons, and breakdancing lessons.

Feeding my dad leftovers and being praised like he was eating at Artisan.

Watering my only two remaining tomato plants and enjoying the tropical weather.

Being visited by the sweet dog from across the road.

Watching a stunning sunset which included a rainbow that was all dark pink.

Mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Chatting with a friend.

Praying for someone else.

Walking out to the kitchen to discover the visiting dog had let himself in.

Thanks to my cats, one less mouse.

Spending some time planning my trip to Tucson to see sweet Tammera and family.

Reconnecting with an old friend.

Zoning out to Property Brothers.

Persevering, Surviving, Thriving.


Is life any less precious just because your spouse is MIA? No! What if your arms ache for a child but you're still waiting? Money problems, sleep deprivation, job stresses, loneliness, family dysfunction, outliving your partner, wayward children. The list of difficulties that we all live with is endless. Sometimes, our problems are due to our own sinful choices. Other times, it's just the imperfectness of this world and its impact on us. Either way, we end up struggling with moving forward victoriously.

I used to think that I had a lot of faith. But over the years life has thrown me a few curves. I realized that there are things that I don't even bother to pray for. They're big things, tough things. Too tough for God? Of course not! But I act like God is limited. Faith? I've barely scratched the surface.

But tonight, as I took the time to enjoy, appreciate, and be grateful for the small events of my evening, I was filled with hope. I've been down but I'm not out. And neither are my friends that have all kinds of issues to deal with.

II Cor. 4:8-9

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

The Good Girl

For as long as I can remember, I have worked hard to be "the good girl" - the good student, good daughter, good wife (look where that got me), the good mother, the good employee, good sister, good friend, the good Christian. I'm not saying it's wrong to try to be the best in all you do. I think God expects and deserves our best. But Satan inserts a little sinful twist. Very subtly, he encouraged me to think that my worth depended on what I did, not on who I was. I've spent years trying to achieve near perfection but always falling short, years of trying to make myself better but always being disappointed, years of wanting to feel good about myself but never being satisfied with my efforts. And through this process, I'd come to believe that I constantly disappointed God. I approached Him as if He were tired of hearing from me, tired of cleaning up my messes, tired of trying to teach me, tired of listening to me. It sounds terrible as I write this. Where is God's grace and forgiveness in all this? Where is my peace and contentment?

Satan is clever, though. It wasn't always all that obvious to me that my thinking was skewed. After all, Satan specializes in deception so he hid his strategy among righteous sounding goals and Christian "good girl" plans. As a result I find, in myself, an overwhelming desire to do the right thing. What could be wrong with that? It's my motives - I haven't been "good" because of my love for the Lord and because I desire to please Him. I've made it about me, not about God. It's as if I'm trying to save myself. (As a side note, I also tend to make it my business to try to save everyone else - fix them, tell them how they could be better, etc. Annoys the heck out of my girls.) I measure myself daily and tally up my failures. I'm still pondering all this but it occurs to me that I haven't truly embraced God's forgiveness and therefore I have allowed myself to miss out on some of the blessing that is already mine as a child of the King.

This skewed thinking has caused me to do some weird things. When I came home some years ago and found my husband being served dinner by his mistress, I didn't throw her out. It wouldn't have been "the Christian thing to do." My counselor asked me, "Debbie, where is your righteous indignation?" Indeed! So I did nothing. I've been unjustly accused of wrong-doing in a work situation, taken advantage of in my own home, I've put up and shut up. Yet, in other situations, I've barreled ahead, taken things into my own hands and tried to play God - and, needless to say, screwed things all up.

Now we are at the "concluding paragraph" and this is the time when you might expect to find the whisper of wisdom, the suggested solution, the tangible truth, the righteous revelation. (Had enough?) Unfortunately, I don't have that. I'm a work in progress. But, praise God, I'm thinking about this stuff and He is patiently walking me through it. For today, I'm focusing on several truths...

One, God is more than capable and more than willing to do ALL that He has promised me. (Romans 4:21)

Two, I can (and will) learn to be content in all things knowing that He has given me everything I need.
(II Peter 1:3, Phil. 4:11-13)

Three, I will pray for God to change my thinking so that the negativity that Satan wants me to dwell on has no place in my mind. (Phil. 4:8)

I am saved! I will spend eternity with Christ! God chose ME! How much more special can I get?

THANK YOU, JESUS!

Waking too early

Those who know me, even a little bit, know that I am NOT a morning person. I have struggled for years with the whole getting up process and would much rather be awake at 1 a.m. than at 6 a.m. So, yesterday, God woke me up at 4:15 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep. It was a work day so I finally decided to stay up and do a little Bible Study of some sort. Many loved ones and their situations seemed to be really heavy on my heart. I read some in the Bible, then read a little in a devotional. I had been feeling frustrated, knowing that God wanted more from me and yet, never feeling like I "did anything right" or that I had a clear sense anymore of what God wanted from me. I was obsessing over things that don't matter, like my weight and losing sight of the Lord. The devotional began to address that because it was talking about all the things we crave instead of God. As I read it, I remember thinking, "This is just what I needed!" Funny how God does that. Still sleepless, I decided to listen to an Andy Stanley sermon called "Asking Big". My sweet Tammera had sent it to me a very long time ago and I am ashamed to say that I had not taken the time to listen to it. As he talked about prayer, I realized that I had given up praying about many things, big things, heartbreaking things. While I completely believe that our God is a God of miracles, I had let my sadness over these situations and my heartbreak for the people involved discourage me from continuing to pray for them. My inability to do anything about another person's problems had kept me from the One who is capable of doing everything about their problems. How pompous of me!! I hadn't seen the lie for what it was. I thought I was burdened, weighed down for those I love, so much so that I couldn't pray any longer. But if I am truly burdened for them, I should be able to do nothing but pray. And pray. And pray. And pray!! The sermon challenged and convicted me. I also felt a little bit of excitement because I knew, without a doubt, that God had woken me for a purpose and that He was speaking to me. Last night at Bible Study, I listened as other women shared their own heartbreaks. We live in such a fallen, corrupt world but we have the hope! My fear now is that I won't pay enough attention to all that God has rattling around in my head right now and that I'll go back to old ways. I probably will, at times. But I also know that God lovingly tapped me on the shoulder yesterday morning, EARLY, and said, "Debbie, it's time. Time for you to get up and move on. Time for you to put some effort, some enthusiasm, some muscle, some desperation even, into your prayers. And time to listen better to Me." God has been so patient with me. I've spent several years now moping around in my own muck. My prayer today is, "Lord, let me be teachable. Give me ears to hear You better and a heart to obey." And if He has to wake me more often at four in the morning, so be it. Bring it on!

Profound Truths from "That 70's Show"

So don't mock me, but lately, I've been zoning out at night watching re-runs of the old classic, "That 70's Show". You know, I never realized how much truth was contained in those episodes. I mean, you do have to ignore the fact that all the kids want to do is get stoned or have sex. But beyond that? Well, there is an occasional nugget of wisdom.  For example...

I'm sure we've all known and even loved someone who just doesn't seem to have much to give. Their focus is always on themselves, though sometimes they can hide it pretty well, often for a very long time. Then, seemingly all of a sudden, lives are broken apart because they just can't keep it together any longer. The rest of us struggle to understand what happened.

Self-esteem:

"I figured it out. I know who I love the best. I love myself! I love myself the best! If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would!"  (Jackie)

I'm convinced that the hardest job in the world is raising kids. I did my best but it certainly wasn't always good enough. Kitty was the loving nurturer and Red was the hard ass but between them they opened their home to numerous teenagers trying to find their way and tag-teamed them to get them through. That's what I want for my own kids - to be moms and dads that work together, appreciating the differences that men and women bring to the parenting table and also always having room for someone else's kid.

Parenting:

"Are you trying to kill me? You're killing me. You know that? You're killing your mother. You only get one, you know."  (Kitty)

"How about a job stating the obvious because you're getting really good at that!"  (Red)

"Honey, I'm sorry if I smothered you. That's just what a mother does. But I've accepted that you're leaving and I'm ready to let you go."  (Kitty)

Eric sort of represents the sinner we all are. He tried hard, sometimes succeeded, often failed. He got down on himself a lot and always attempted to live his life using his own limited strength and know-how. He waited until he was desperate before he turned to anyone else for help. I'm embarrassed to say that is too often my approach and I leave God out of the equation until He graciously brings me to my knees.

Human Nature:

"I ruined it. And I knew I was ruining while I was ruining it. I just kept on ruining it."  (Eric)

"Bad things happen because I am stupid!"  (Eric)

It seems that throughout our lives we will be engaged in a strange dance with other people, trying to get along, understand each other, work and/or live together, and attain peace in our personal lives. It is fascinating to me to watch the people around me as they two-step their way through their day. However, it isn't so fascinating when it involves me. There are times when I feel pretty good about how I relate to others. And then there are the times when I am an idiot and there's nothing more to be said about it. No matter how you slice it, relationships take work.   

Relationships:

"You don't cut open the sausage. You just eat it."  (Hyde)

"But I love you, Donna." "I love you, too, Eric. But it's not enough." (Donna & Eric)

"Well, you know I love my family. It's just some times I want to get in the car and run 'em all over."  (Kitty)

We really are an entitled bunch and so often have the attitude that pain and suffering or inconvenience should not come to us. When my husband left, I was dumbfounded with disbelief and I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to twist away from that hurt. The reality is that we live in a world corrupted by sin and that is going to color our lives until we are reunited with Christ. Instead of stamping my feet and demanding to know why something has happened, I need to buckle down, deal with the situation, and look for what God will teach me through it. I also need to be grateful that though difficulties are all around us, I am NEVER alone. God walks right there next to me. 

Reality:

"You know what I got for my 18th birthday? A draft notice and a malaria vaccine. I never had time to think." (Red)

Honestly, I've struggled with boundaries. I am a people-pleaser and a peacemaker. I don't want anyone mad at me or disappointed in me. I usually try to do what people want me to do even if I don't have time or if I resent what they are asking of me. Often, I have not stood up for myself when I should have. It's something that I'm working on and something that I wish I had learned a long time ago.

Appropriate Boundaries:

"I can't touch an egg."
"Why not?"
"Because it came out of a chicken butt!"   (Jackie & Kitty)

I like to think that I am a fairly straightforward person, blunt even, but honest. So I always appreciated Hyde's approach. The only thing is, in my quest for honesty, I have frequently hurt someone's feelings and that's no good. I swing from one extreme to the other, blurting out something that is really how I feel to swallowing thoughts in order not to offend. Balance in life is tough. The Bible has much to say about our words and about truth. I need to study that more!!

Honesty:

"Well, I don't really have a speech prepared, but ... thanks for sucking."  (Hyde)

I don't have anything profound to say about food. I want to eat or drink whatever I want, whenever I want, and I want to weigh 120 pounds while doing it. Whatever...

Healthy Eating:

"Kitty, this isn't food. This is what food eats!" (Red)

I hate to admit it but, though I love Kitty's character on the show, I realize that I have a way about me that is similar to Red's. I want to encourage my kids, I try to encourage my kids, but in the end, I too often deliver the message in a backhanded way that makes them feel bad, or leaves them conflicted about what I'm saying. I've always got a "but..." or a "here's an idea..." or a "maybe you could have done this..." . Why can't I just say "good job" or "keep it up" or "I'm so proud of you" or "I'll pray for you" and then leave it at that? I am of the misguided opinion that the world is just waiting for my words of wisdom and that thriving in this world depends on me! It's foolishness on my part and another thing to work on.

Encouragement:

"I've got to admit, Eric. I had my doubts. But hell, you've hardly embarrassed me." (Red)

Lastly, at least for now, is the recognition that we are all in need of some serious rehabilitation. Thankfully, God is patient with us. He gently points out our faults and guides us in His way. We need to recognize His hand and trust that His way is the best way to go.

Sin:

"I can't believe any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames."  (Kitty)

Negative Thoughts

I've gotten into a bad habit lately. (Well, actually, I've developed quite a few bad habits over the last few years and those bad habits have led to the one that I am pondering today.) My very first thought, each morning, the second I awaken, is "How bad was I last night?" And then my mind replays the evening. How many hours did I waste watching mindless T.V.? Or how long did I do absolutely nothing on the computer? How bad did I overeat? Did I have wine with dinner? How many hours of much needed sleep did I miss out on because I refused to turn out the light and go to bed? Seriously, this scenario plays out every single morning. It's an assessment of my behavior, a scorecard in a way. I am not a morning person. If I could have a job where I didn't have to be at work until noon, I'd be a happy camper. So when morning is already a foreign time zone and I am already suffering from jet lag, to wake up to these sorts of thoughts just adds insult to injury.

Now, the truth is that I do usually do all those things. I especially overeat and stay up way too late. And I am paying for it physically. Every morning, when I tally up my failures, I end up feeling like I am such a disappointment to God. But this whole cycle frustrates me. I know that God doesn't want me to allow all His joy to be sucked out of me. I know He doesn't love me any less because I have gained weight. But I also know that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and I can't get me none of that!! I'm so tired of this constant self degradation. I could have been one of those super religious people long ago that went around beating on themselves.

So how do I find a balance? How do I live in the freedom of my position in Christ but also strive to be the woman He wants me to be? I know that I need to make changes in the way I live and truthfully, I want to make those changes. But I sense that God did not design me to live with this weight always on me. Maybe that is the bigger sin. If I am precious to God and if He loves me as I am, imperfect and struggling, then I think I need to have a different attitude about myself. It's as if I'm saying, "God, You didn't do a good enough job on me so I've got to help You. I've got to summon up my own strength to add to Yours. I've got to give You the boost You need so that together, we can make me good enough."

I force myself to write sometimes because as I get my thoughts written down I can hear how ridiculous I sound. It helps give me perspective. Obviously, God does not need my help with anything. And my salvation is assured, always and forever, whether I eat goldfish crackers and chocolate for dinner or not. Do I need to work on a few things? Of course. But do I need to obsess about them? No. I'm not sure what to do about all this and I have no answers but I'm hoping that by thinking and praying and searching the scriptures, I'll get a better handle on what God is asking of me.

Fuses

A couple of weeks ago, Melissa and I traveled down to Yucaipa for a baby shower for my niece. We took the Camry that my dad had recently handed down to me.

http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2013/04/another-car-story.html

It was a really long trip but Melissa is good company and we had a lot of fun. Anyway, the Camry enabled us to have a GPS plugged into one power outlet and a phone recharging on the other power outlet, a luxury that my Buick hadn't had. Everything worked great. But then, the next weekend, I plugged in my phone and realized that I was getting no power. I tried the other outlet - nothing. I was bummed. I mean, I've got to be able to have constant available power for all these gadgets, right? The car was going to be going into the shop soon for routine servicing but rather than depend on someone else I decided to break down and read the car manual and see if I could figure it out.

After a bit of studying, I came to the conclusion that it must be a fuse. I set about attempting to find and replace the damaged fuses. I was impressed to read in the manual that some extra fuses were provided. How convenient! And, there was even a little plastic fuse-getter-outer to use to try and grab those little suckers. My fat, stubby fingers didn't do so well with that, though, so I resorted to using needle nose pliers to remove the fuses. My first attempt, however, didn't produce any results. I realized that there were several fuse locations. I wasn't reading the manual carefully enough and the first fuse I replaced went to, well, I don't know what it went to. It just didn't fix my power outlets. I tried again and realized that I was in the totally wrong fuse area. I was trying to replace fuses that were in the fuse box under the hood when I needed to be replacing fuses located under my dashboard. O.K. Got it. I eventually figured out which fuses needed to be replaced, and voila! I had power again. I was so proud of myself! In fact, I was feeling so cocky that I even posted it on Facebook, like it was some miraculous accomplishment. I mean, I was really proud...

Now if you look at the picture in the following link, you will see the location of the spare fuses. This is an important detail that we will come back to later.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10200904439675596&l=33cb8b4dda

Several nights later I was out at Jenny's house visiting while Zac was working out of town. Melissa was there too and she walked me out when I got ready to head home. I started the car, turned on the headlights, and started to back out of Jen's driveway. Hmmm...I noticed that I had no headlights. Turned them off, then on again. Nope. Tried the high beams. Yea! I had high beams but still no low. I could have driven home with the high beams on all the way but I would have pissed off a few people.

It suddenly occurred to me that this just couldn't be coincidental. After all, I had been messing around with the fuses. Melissa thought I was crazy but I was determined to get to the bottom of this before I left Jenny's. So, once again, I got out the manual, my flashlight, and the fuse-getter-outer. Read the manual again. Turns out that I had grabbed fuses that were above the spares when I had done my fabulous repair job. Didn't read the diagram quite right. So...I had taken the low beam fuses from their proper position and put them in the spot for the power outlets. I could charge my phone but drive in the dark.

Back they went into their appropriate spots. I drove home happily and the next day I went to Wal-Mart and bought more fuses. Now my power outlets are once again working, as are my headlights, and I have extra fuses in my glove box. (It had turned out that I didn't have enough spares.)

The moral of this story? Does there need to be one? I still feel pretty good about getting it all fixed myself but I have to laugh about posting my good deed so early on Facebook. Ah, pride. Gets me every time.