Negative Thoughts

I've gotten into a bad habit lately. (Well, actually, I've developed quite a few bad habits over the last few years and those bad habits have led to the one that I am pondering today.) My very first thought, each morning, the second I awaken, is "How bad was I last night?" And then my mind replays the evening. How many hours did I waste watching mindless T.V.? Or how long did I do absolutely nothing on the computer? How bad did I overeat? Did I have wine with dinner? How many hours of much needed sleep did I miss out on because I refused to turn out the light and go to bed? Seriously, this scenario plays out every single morning. It's an assessment of my behavior, a scorecard in a way. I am not a morning person. If I could have a job where I didn't have to be at work until noon, I'd be a happy camper. So when morning is already a foreign time zone and I am already suffering from jet lag, to wake up to these sorts of thoughts just adds insult to injury.

Now, the truth is that I do usually do all those things. I especially overeat and stay up way too late. And I am paying for it physically. Every morning, when I tally up my failures, I end up feeling like I am such a disappointment to God. But this whole cycle frustrates me. I know that God doesn't want me to allow all His joy to be sucked out of me. I know He doesn't love me any less because I have gained weight. But I also know that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and I can't get me none of that!! I'm so tired of this constant self degradation. I could have been one of those super religious people long ago that went around beating on themselves.

So how do I find a balance? How do I live in the freedom of my position in Christ but also strive to be the woman He wants me to be? I know that I need to make changes in the way I live and truthfully, I want to make those changes. But I sense that God did not design me to live with this weight always on me. Maybe that is the bigger sin. If I am precious to God and if He loves me as I am, imperfect and struggling, then I think I need to have a different attitude about myself. It's as if I'm saying, "God, You didn't do a good enough job on me so I've got to help You. I've got to summon up my own strength to add to Yours. I've got to give You the boost You need so that together, we can make me good enough."

I force myself to write sometimes because as I get my thoughts written down I can hear how ridiculous I sound. It helps give me perspective. Obviously, God does not need my help with anything. And my salvation is assured, always and forever, whether I eat goldfish crackers and chocolate for dinner or not. Do I need to work on a few things? Of course. But do I need to obsess about them? No. I'm not sure what to do about all this and I have no answers but I'm hoping that by thinking and praying and searching the scriptures, I'll get a better handle on what God is asking of me.