I have a grandchild out there somewhere. He or she may have already been born but maybe not. They might just still be a thought. But still, they're out there and we are all waiting for God to reveal to us who it is! I'm talking, of course, about the child that Donny and Melissa will adopt one day. It has been a long journey for them and there is still a ways to go but they continue to move forward. They are unable to have children and it is a heartbreak for them. However, God has been preparing their hearts for years and steering them towards adoption. They used to think they would try to do a private adoption. Who knows? That may yet be in their future. But for now, they are leaning towards adopting through the foster care system. They went through Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University" some time ago and they are very dedicated to staying out of debt. Private adoption can be very expensive. But even more than the finances, God has been calling them to "care for orphans" and they are realizing that may mean a less than ideal situation. The child may be a little older, may have issues or challenges, may be a little more difficult. (Of course, biological children can be a pain as well, if you get my drift.☺) They love children and long to have a child of their own and if this is how God is going to provide that child then they are up for it!
As their parent, I admire them and I am so proud of them. I also ache for them. Why must something so natural, so basic, be so hard for some? As a mom, I want to protect my children, even when they're grown. I don't want them to struggle or suffer. But that isn't how the world operates, is it? Pain is everywhere.
I'm a little behind the times because I have just watched the first of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. I know, it's been out forever. I don't know where I was. Anyway, I liked it quite a lot and am happily waiting for the 2nd one to arrive from Netflix. While I was watching the movie, I thought of Donny and Melissa. Frodo says to Gandalf, "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." And haven't I said the same sort of thing? "I wish my marriage hadn't fallen apart." "I wish my mom hadn't died." "I wish Donny and Melissa weren't unable to have children."
Gandalf replies to Frodo, "So do all who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you." Frodo finds himself on a seemingly impossible quest to return the ring to its birthplace, thereby saving the world from evil. There have been times when I think Donny and Melissa have felt that this "quest" for children is so daunting and overwhelming that it borders on the impossible. But they see God working and moving and that continues to encourage them. Of course, they wish they could have had a birth child. But that wasn't for them to decide. Of course, I wish my marriage had survived. Again, it wasn't for me to decide. God chooses, He filters, He allows. We just have to decide what we will do with the circumstances that come our way.
“I am God and there is no other…My counsel shall stand and I will accomplish all My purpose” (Isaiah 46:10).
“God does according to His will in the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth and none can stay His hand or say to Him, ‘What doest Thou?’” (Daniel 4:35).
“But He is unchangeable and who can turn Him? What He desires, that He does. For He will complete what He appoints for me” (Job 23:13, 14).
For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Psalm 84:11
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Marriage & My Week
It's been a bit of an interesting week. Partly, I think I am feeling the effects of, once again, living on my own. I have renters in the house with me but we are simply roommates. This past year I was blessed to have had Donny and Melissa living with me as well as Jen and the kids here a lot while Zac worked in L.A. All that has changed and I no longer come home to grandchildren worshiping me or Melissa laughing with me. And that's O.K. I'm thrilled for the girls and am grateful that their lives are their own. Zac is back in town and Donny and Melissa have bought their own home and that is as it should be. I am just recognizing that it will be an adjustment for me.
In addition to those adjustments, I've dealt this week with tough class subjects. On Tuesday nights, I am in a Women's Bible Study group and we are currently studying Proverbs. The subject matter this week is marriage. Can I skip that part? Then I went to my Biblical Counseling class last night and the subject matter was...marriage. It was a double whammy. I had some trouble sitting through the class last night. As I listened to the instructor talk about family dynamics and the needs of a husband and wife, I couldn't help but feel a failure. I have struggled with this issue ever since Paul left. What was my part in the breakup of our marriage? My sins? My contribution? Then that rolls into thoughts like, "Did I drive him away?" "Was I that bad?"
Now, before you get your panties in a bunch and come after me, hear this...I know these are unhealthy thoughts. I know that no matter what the state of our marriage was (and by the way, I was under the impression that it was pretty good), no matter what I did or didn't do as a wife, Paul had choices to make and he made wrong ones. However, with that said, even though I know my thinking is skewed, it is a battle that is waged periodically and last night was one of those battles.
My friend, who was sitting next to me in class, described my experience this way: She said, "Debbie, it's like a bomb just suddenly blew up in front of your face. You're standing there looking around. You're all right and your family is intact (minus one), but the dust hasn't settled and you're seeing devastation all around you and you don't know what happened." It is an apt description.
I drove home crying some and praying a lot. Mostly, I was telling God that I just didn't know what to do with the information, the emotions, and didn't know how to even pray about it. I knew that I needed to pour out my heart to Him and let Him take it from there. Thankfully, He understands. I simply need to get whatever words out and then wait. He will take it, interpret it, and get back to me. And has He?
Well, I can honestly say that I woke up this morning feeling peaceful and looking forward to the day (which includes a mammogram so you know He is working on my attitude). Have any of my circumstances changed? Absolutely nothing. But He is the ultimate Counselor and His counsel is perfect. I have no answers for myself or for anyone else. But once again, I am assured that He is in control, He has filtered and allowed my experiences, and all will be used for His glory. I need to continue to commune with Him and lift my eyes towards heaven. My identity is in the Lord, not in a husband. My value is in Christ, not in the things of this world. My home is in heaven, not on Peachy Canyon (although I'm closer to heaven here on my hilltop than most of you ☺). Praise God! I'm going to set those somewhat self-destructive thoughts aside for awhile and give God time to help me process and let Him tell me how and what to think. Meanwhile, I'm going to indulge in some highly advanced therapy - RUMMAGE SALE, HAIR COLORING, mammogram, TRADER JOE'S, & DINNER WITH A FRIEND!! Can you tell which one I'm not excited about?
In addition to those adjustments, I've dealt this week with tough class subjects. On Tuesday nights, I am in a Women's Bible Study group and we are currently studying Proverbs. The subject matter this week is marriage. Can I skip that part? Then I went to my Biblical Counseling class last night and the subject matter was...marriage. It was a double whammy. I had some trouble sitting through the class last night. As I listened to the instructor talk about family dynamics and the needs of a husband and wife, I couldn't help but feel a failure. I have struggled with this issue ever since Paul left. What was my part in the breakup of our marriage? My sins? My contribution? Then that rolls into thoughts like, "Did I drive him away?" "Was I that bad?"
Now, before you get your panties in a bunch and come after me, hear this...I know these are unhealthy thoughts. I know that no matter what the state of our marriage was (and by the way, I was under the impression that it was pretty good), no matter what I did or didn't do as a wife, Paul had choices to make and he made wrong ones. However, with that said, even though I know my thinking is skewed, it is a battle that is waged periodically and last night was one of those battles.
My friend, who was sitting next to me in class, described my experience this way: She said, "Debbie, it's like a bomb just suddenly blew up in front of your face. You're standing there looking around. You're all right and your family is intact (minus one), but the dust hasn't settled and you're seeing devastation all around you and you don't know what happened." It is an apt description.
I drove home crying some and praying a lot. Mostly, I was telling God that I just didn't know what to do with the information, the emotions, and didn't know how to even pray about it. I knew that I needed to pour out my heart to Him and let Him take it from there. Thankfully, He understands. I simply need to get whatever words out and then wait. He will take it, interpret it, and get back to me. And has He?
Well, I can honestly say that I woke up this morning feeling peaceful and looking forward to the day (which includes a mammogram so you know He is working on my attitude). Have any of my circumstances changed? Absolutely nothing. But He is the ultimate Counselor and His counsel is perfect. I have no answers for myself or for anyone else. But once again, I am assured that He is in control, He has filtered and allowed my experiences, and all will be used for His glory. I need to continue to commune with Him and lift my eyes towards heaven. My identity is in the Lord, not in a husband. My value is in Christ, not in the things of this world. My home is in heaven, not on Peachy Canyon (although I'm closer to heaven here on my hilltop than most of you ☺). Praise God! I'm going to set those somewhat self-destructive thoughts aside for awhile and give God time to help me process and let Him tell me how and what to think. Meanwhile, I'm going to indulge in some highly advanced therapy - RUMMAGE SALE, HAIR COLORING, mammogram, TRADER JOE'S, & DINNER WITH A FRIEND!! Can you tell which one I'm not excited about?
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Old Friends
It seems, that in our lifetime, we are blessed with just a few precious and lasting friendships. At least that's the case for me. I could not produce a dozen good friends but I could come up with four or five, friends that know me well, stand by me, hold me accountable, encourage me, and laugh with me. One of those friends is Donna. I have known her for 40 years. She and her husband, Jay, were best friends with Paul and I. Fortunately, even though Paul is out of the picture, Jay and Donna have maintained their friendship and closeness with me and for that I am so grateful. Years ago, when Paul lost a job due to drug addiction, they waited for us outside our church on the first Sunday after he had gotten fired, and accompanied us inside so that we were surrounded with support. I was terrified that day and so uncomfortable - feeling like everyone must know what had happened. To see their faces as we arrived and then to walk in with them and sit with them on either side of us was such a blessing. I've never forgotten it. Now it is 30 years later and we are still friends, though, since they live in Auburn, we don't get together too often.
My latest grandchild, Arrow, was born October 16th and Donna turned 60 on October 20th. Donna had just had her first grandchild and had returned from visiting little Giannah in Massachusetts the week before her birthday. Since Arrow had arrived safely, I impulsively decided to drive to Auburn and surprise Donna. I figured she would be missing her sweet granddaughter and might also be mourning turning 60 (or is it just me that did that) so I thought she might need some comfort from me. I was also feeling somewhat worn down and thought a weekend away with friends might be just the ticket. I called Jay and he said they had no plans for the weekend so the timing was good. I borrowed my Dad's car because as you know, if you have read previous blogs, my car is less than dependable. And no, I did not take his Miata!
http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-car.html
http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2012/04/birthday-tribute-to-my-dad.html
I left on a Thursday, right after I got off work. It took me 6 hours to drive to Auburn including the 4 stops I made. I tend to feel that I am required to take a bathroom break every time a decent place is available but really I just needed to get out and stretch. That drive up I-5 is so boring! I was prepared, however. I had taken a C.D. of a Women's Retreat that I had been wanting to listen to. All the way up, I was encouraged as I listened to a study on the book of Joshua. It was my own private mini-retreat. I was a little bit proud of myself for making the trip and for not even being scared at the rest stops. I was nervous going through Sacramento but after that, I began to get so excited. I made it to Auburn at 10:50 p.m., ran into the Bel Air Supermarket for a supply of wine, and then headed to Donna's house. Jay had promised to leave the front door unlocked and since Donna is a night-owl like me, I knew she'd still be up. I pranced in the front door to find Donna "decorating for fall". She had boxes out and fake pumpkins strewn about - so like her. I think I about gave her heart failure as she tried to process what she was seeing. So fun! We stayed up for hours talking and sharing grandchildren stories. There is nothing like spending time with a friend who has known you forever!
I slept late the next morning and it was fabulous!! It was as if being in a different place with different people was allowing me to shed some of the burdens that I tend to carry and enabled me to rest. And Donna, being the godly woman that she is, let me sleep.
He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, It will be reckoned a curse to him. Pro. 27:14
Needless to say, we got sort of a late start but that was O.K. We had no schedule. We went to visit Donna's sweet mom who is now in a rest home. It brought back memories of visiting my mom before she died. Then we took off to shop, one of our favorite pastimes. Leaving the rest home, we had to drive through the quaint little downtown area of Auburn. It's an interesting place...
This is actually a huge, cement statue that is outside of a dental office. Since I work for a dentist, I found this interesting. Donna said that the dentist himself was the artist and there are several other huge figures surrounding his office. I'm just not sure that I would feel comfortable visiting this dentist.
Next we headed "down the hill" a bit. I had brought up some peacock feathers and I wanted Donna to make an arrangement that I could give to Melissa as a housewarming present using my feathers. Melissa loves peacocks but I needed Donna to lend her artistic expertise to the project. We shopped for hours to find just the perfect container. Along the way, we found this place...
Why am I including this picture? I found it so funny and I made Donna drive me closer to get a good picture. Donna and I sort of get a tad crazy when we are together. (Also, there may have been at least one hookah party on my patio but I'm not swearing to that!)
Jay bar-b-cued that night and he is a wonderful cook. Chicken, salmon, asparagus, etc. Also, one of Donna's Auburn friends had dropped off a plate of homemade cream puffs and Donna made me help her eat them. As a good friend, I was happy to sacrifice my diet for her.
The next day, Donna worked hard at getting the peacock arrangement just right. Notice the serious concentration...
She is a perfectionist and does beautiful work! Here is the finished project...
Donna also took me to a Hobby Lobby store! Wow! We don't have one around here and it was so fun. Their fabrics were beautiful and I was forced to buy a little, even though I wasn't sure what I would do with them. I could have spent a fortune but I limited myself to these...
All too soon the weekend was over and I returned to reality. Such sweet memories! And though I went up thinking that I was going to comfort my "old" friend, it was she who ministered to me. I came home rested and refreshed and so grateful for the blessing of friendships. I wanted to do something for Donna to thank her for the awesome weekend so I decided to make her a Christmas stocking to keep at her house for her granddaughter in case she comes to visit at Christmas time. I used fabric that I had bought at Hobby Lobby. Donna loves giraffes so the stocking is a little unconventional but I don't care.
"Good company in a journey makes the way seem the shorter." Izaak Walton
My latest grandchild, Arrow, was born October 16th and Donna turned 60 on October 20th. Donna had just had her first grandchild and had returned from visiting little Giannah in Massachusetts the week before her birthday. Since Arrow had arrived safely, I impulsively decided to drive to Auburn and surprise Donna. I figured she would be missing her sweet granddaughter and might also be mourning turning 60 (or is it just me that did that) so I thought she might need some comfort from me. I was also feeling somewhat worn down and thought a weekend away with friends might be just the ticket. I called Jay and he said they had no plans for the weekend so the timing was good. I borrowed my Dad's car because as you know, if you have read previous blogs, my car is less than dependable. And no, I did not take his Miata!
http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-car.html
http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2012/04/birthday-tribute-to-my-dad.html
I left on a Thursday, right after I got off work. It took me 6 hours to drive to Auburn including the 4 stops I made. I tend to feel that I am required to take a bathroom break every time a decent place is available but really I just needed to get out and stretch. That drive up I-5 is so boring! I was prepared, however. I had taken a C.D. of a Women's Retreat that I had been wanting to listen to. All the way up, I was encouraged as I listened to a study on the book of Joshua. It was my own private mini-retreat. I was a little bit proud of myself for making the trip and for not even being scared at the rest stops. I was nervous going through Sacramento but after that, I began to get so excited. I made it to Auburn at 10:50 p.m., ran into the Bel Air Supermarket for a supply of wine, and then headed to Donna's house. Jay had promised to leave the front door unlocked and since Donna is a night-owl like me, I knew she'd still be up. I pranced in the front door to find Donna "decorating for fall". She had boxes out and fake pumpkins strewn about - so like her. I think I about gave her heart failure as she tried to process what she was seeing. So fun! We stayed up for hours talking and sharing grandchildren stories. There is nothing like spending time with a friend who has known you forever!
I slept late the next morning and it was fabulous!! It was as if being in a different place with different people was allowing me to shed some of the burdens that I tend to carry and enabled me to rest. And Donna, being the godly woman that she is, let me sleep.
He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, It will be reckoned a curse to him. Pro. 27:14
Needless to say, we got sort of a late start but that was O.K. We had no schedule. We went to visit Donna's sweet mom who is now in a rest home. It brought back memories of visiting my mom before she died. Then we took off to shop, one of our favorite pastimes. Leaving the rest home, we had to drive through the quaint little downtown area of Auburn. It's an interesting place...
This is actually a huge, cement statue that is outside of a dental office. Since I work for a dentist, I found this interesting. Donna said that the dentist himself was the artist and there are several other huge figures surrounding his office. I'm just not sure that I would feel comfortable visiting this dentist.
Next we headed "down the hill" a bit. I had brought up some peacock feathers and I wanted Donna to make an arrangement that I could give to Melissa as a housewarming present using my feathers. Melissa loves peacocks but I needed Donna to lend her artistic expertise to the project. We shopped for hours to find just the perfect container. Along the way, we found this place...
Why am I including this picture? I found it so funny and I made Donna drive me closer to get a good picture. Donna and I sort of get a tad crazy when we are together. (Also, there may have been at least one hookah party on my patio but I'm not swearing to that!)
Jay bar-b-cued that night and he is a wonderful cook. Chicken, salmon, asparagus, etc. Also, one of Donna's Auburn friends had dropped off a plate of homemade cream puffs and Donna made me help her eat them. As a good friend, I was happy to sacrifice my diet for her.
The next day, Donna worked hard at getting the peacock arrangement just right. Notice the serious concentration...
She is a perfectionist and does beautiful work! Here is the finished project...
Donna also took me to a Hobby Lobby store! Wow! We don't have one around here and it was so fun. Their fabrics were beautiful and I was forced to buy a little, even though I wasn't sure what I would do with them. I could have spent a fortune but I limited myself to these...
We also discovered an upscale thrift store where we shopped for quite a while. It was there that we had a somewhat disturbing experience. Donna has lost 40 pounds and she looks great! However, she has not replaced her bras and you know what happens when women lose weight. You lose the girls first. We were sharing a dressing room when I noticed that Donna's bra was doing absolutely nothing for her! I left her with strict instructions to replace her bras and I intend to call her and make sure she has obeyed. Just like eating the cream puffs, being an intimate apparel whistle blower is what good friends do for each other. That night was Donna's actual birthday so we were meeting Jay at an Outback Restaurant. I had never been and we had a great time together (although Jay's cooking is superior). I was struck by how fortunate I was that I could still feel comfortable with Jay and Donna even though there should have been four of us instead of three.
By the way, I should mention that Jay has also lost 40 pounds and he looks great as well.
All too soon the weekend was over and I returned to reality. Such sweet memories! And though I went up thinking that I was going to comfort my "old" friend, it was she who ministered to me. I came home rested and refreshed and so grateful for the blessing of friendships. I wanted to do something for Donna to thank her for the awesome weekend so I decided to make her a Christmas stocking to keep at her house for her granddaughter in case she comes to visit at Christmas time. I used fabric that I had bought at Hobby Lobby. Donna loves giraffes so the stocking is a little unconventional but I don't care.
"Good company in a journey makes the way seem the shorter." Izaak Walton
Friday, October 26, 2012
Arrow Matthias
Another grandchild! I can never get enough. Not-so-little Arrow Matthias was born October 16. I had prayed a lot for him and for my daughter, Jenny. She'd had thyroid issues, a husband working in L.A., premature labor and bed rest. She took most of it in stride and her calmness and acceptance of circumstances beyond her control was amazing. For quite a few months, she and the three older kids stayed with me during the week while Zac was down south working. Her kids go to bed early but it was so fun to come home from a long day at work and be greeted by these little ones who were always excited to see me.
Anyway, as her due date got close, there were some things I began to stress a little bit about. We were all, of course, mainly praying for good health for Arrow and a safe delivery. But from a practical point of view, there was a little anxiety, mostly over the timing of the big event. Jen and Zac live out in Heritage Ranch and there is currently a large road construction program going on. During the day, traffic can be delayed a bit. Jenny delivers at French Hospital in SLO so it is already an almost hour long drive. Kian, her last baby, came fairly quickly and she certainly did not want to be delivering Arrow on the side of the road. Melissa was on call to be in charge of the three older children and as the due date was approaching, her boss informed her that there were a couple of days where she absolutely could not leave work. I was a little more flexible but for several weekends in a row, I was going to be watching my oldest grandchild, Gabriel, because Sarah (his mom) was working some important events. She graciously had a friend lined up for back up but I was hoping not to have to get Gabriel up in the middle of the night and drop him at someone else's house. Another issue was that since Zac had returned to SLO County, he had been working clear down in Arroyo Grande. Hmmm. Could he make it back in time to pick Jen up if she went into labor while he was at work? Just a lot of questions and details and really, no way to plan. We prayed! And prayed! And lots of others prayed!
Could God have timed Arrow's birth more perfectly? I don't think so. Jenny went into labor at 6 a.m. on Tuesday, October 16. Zac had already left for work but was able to get back to her quickly. It was early enough that the road crews weren't working yet. I was able to get hold of my boss and she was very willing to go into the office and cover for me. I had gotten past all of Sarah's events and Melissa was able to take off work that day. I had even gotten to take a shower and blow dry my hair (it's all about me)! Seriously, when you are 60 and single, sometimes you have to consider how you will look at an occasion where you know there will be pictures taken. :) Nah, don't worry. That wasn't my main concern. But I was glad that I didn't have to go straight to the hospital from scrubbing Melissa's new house or something like that.
Arrow was born at 9:50 a.m., all 10 pounds of him! I was privileged to be there and then later, was able to take the other three kids home with me. And, as an extra bonus, I "just happened" to be off work the next day so the kids spent the night with me and all the next day until I delivered them back to Jen and Zac at the hospital, just in time for Zac to drive their brood home. It was a wonderful few days and I am blessed with another grandson!
As sweet as that is, what impressed me was God's intimate involvement with every aspect of our lives. Would it have been catastrophic if I'd had to take Gabriel to a back up babysitter? Would it have been the end of the world if Melissa had to stay at work? No, just not what we wanted. Would it have been terrible if Jen and Zac had to detour and deliver at Twin Cities because it was closer? Even then, no. Just not ideal. And would I have been crushed to attend my grandson's birth with flat, day old hair? Well...thankfully, God did not require that of me! He proved Himself to be near and not because He answered our prayers the way we thought He should. He went above and beyond and blessed us abundantly! We had even thought that the week before would have been a good time for Arrow to be born. But God knew best. It's hard to describe but He gave us all such a peace about everything. And then, if that wasn't enough, Jen's labor and delivery went just as she had hoped and then some. We have a God who cares passionately for us and consequently, no request is too small to bring before Him. We just have to remember to trust Him with the outcome, whatever it may be. Sometimes, our prayers are answered in a way that we aren't initially happy with. Shame on us! He is God! He will never give us less than His best! When I question circumstances, it is because I have strayed away from the closeness of our Father - not because He has distanced Himself from me. I'm a slow learner but for today, praise God, I'm resting in Him.
Anyway, as her due date got close, there were some things I began to stress a little bit about. We were all, of course, mainly praying for good health for Arrow and a safe delivery. But from a practical point of view, there was a little anxiety, mostly over the timing of the big event. Jen and Zac live out in Heritage Ranch and there is currently a large road construction program going on. During the day, traffic can be delayed a bit. Jenny delivers at French Hospital in SLO so it is already an almost hour long drive. Kian, her last baby, came fairly quickly and she certainly did not want to be delivering Arrow on the side of the road. Melissa was on call to be in charge of the three older children and as the due date was approaching, her boss informed her that there were a couple of days where she absolutely could not leave work. I was a little more flexible but for several weekends in a row, I was going to be watching my oldest grandchild, Gabriel, because Sarah (his mom) was working some important events. She graciously had a friend lined up for back up but I was hoping not to have to get Gabriel up in the middle of the night and drop him at someone else's house. Another issue was that since Zac had returned to SLO County, he had been working clear down in Arroyo Grande. Hmmm. Could he make it back in time to pick Jen up if she went into labor while he was at work? Just a lot of questions and details and really, no way to plan. We prayed! And prayed! And lots of others prayed!
Could God have timed Arrow's birth more perfectly? I don't think so. Jenny went into labor at 6 a.m. on Tuesday, October 16. Zac had already left for work but was able to get back to her quickly. It was early enough that the road crews weren't working yet. I was able to get hold of my boss and she was very willing to go into the office and cover for me. I had gotten past all of Sarah's events and Melissa was able to take off work that day. I had even gotten to take a shower and blow dry my hair (it's all about me)! Seriously, when you are 60 and single, sometimes you have to consider how you will look at an occasion where you know there will be pictures taken. :) Nah, don't worry. That wasn't my main concern. But I was glad that I didn't have to go straight to the hospital from scrubbing Melissa's new house or something like that.
Arrow was born at 9:50 a.m., all 10 pounds of him! I was privileged to be there and then later, was able to take the other three kids home with me. And, as an extra bonus, I "just happened" to be off work the next day so the kids spent the night with me and all the next day until I delivered them back to Jen and Zac at the hospital, just in time for Zac to drive their brood home. It was a wonderful few days and I am blessed with another grandson!
As sweet as that is, what impressed me was God's intimate involvement with every aspect of our lives. Would it have been catastrophic if I'd had to take Gabriel to a back up babysitter? Would it have been the end of the world if Melissa had to stay at work? No, just not what we wanted. Would it have been terrible if Jen and Zac had to detour and deliver at Twin Cities because it was closer? Even then, no. Just not ideal. And would I have been crushed to attend my grandson's birth with flat, day old hair? Well...thankfully, God did not require that of me! He proved Himself to be near and not because He answered our prayers the way we thought He should. He went above and beyond and blessed us abundantly! We had even thought that the week before would have been a good time for Arrow to be born. But God knew best. It's hard to describe but He gave us all such a peace about everything. And then, if that wasn't enough, Jen's labor and delivery went just as she had hoped and then some. We have a God who cares passionately for us and consequently, no request is too small to bring before Him. We just have to remember to trust Him with the outcome, whatever it may be. Sometimes, our prayers are answered in a way that we aren't initially happy with. Shame on us! He is God! He will never give us less than His best! When I question circumstances, it is because I have strayed away from the closeness of our Father - not because He has distanced Himself from me. I'm a slow learner but for today, praise God, I'm resting in Him.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Funktified!
Conversation with myself....
"What is my problem? I mope around on the weekends, I don't get my butt to church, I say I'm going on a diet and don't, I complain about stuff. I am feeling like a loser! Can't seem to get over this hump. Can't seem to hear God. What is my problem?'
I been funktified, attacked by the funk brigade, been funked upon, you name it! I am in a funk and once again, I find myself sick of myself. This journey has surprised me, I guess. I don't know what I expected but I didn't realize it would be this hard. It's perplexing to me because I still see God's caring, loving hand clearly and I see many of His blessings. But somehow, I am not truly laying hold of His joy and peace. I am concentrating on circumstances too much and not on the Creator. I have longed to understand all that has happened to me when I need to be longing to understand Him.
Joy is a deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control.
I read that somewhere awhile back and I need this reminder. God is not held up in traffic! He is just as near to me as He has always been. If I don't "feel" Him near, that's on me, not Him. I need to live in that confidence regardless of how I "feel". Joy, then, becomes a choice - a choice to see things from God's perspective and a choice to trust Him as I embrace the new life He is giving me.
So here is my prayer...
"Dear Lord,
You know me. You know my struggles and my motives and my desires - far better than I know them myself. I want to please You. I really do! But sometimes I feel like I'm just wandering around in the desert, like the Israelites did. Please change my perspective and make it Yours. Please change my focus and make it You! Allow me to grab hold of your joy and peace because it's mine, provided to me by Your work on the cross. And thank You that You never give up on me, You aren't disgusted by me, You don't mock me, You don't dismiss me. You wait, You love, You provide, You nourish, You delight. Imagine that! You delight in me! Teach me, Lord, to delight in You."
"What is my problem? I mope around on the weekends, I don't get my butt to church, I say I'm going on a diet and don't, I complain about stuff. I am feeling like a loser! Can't seem to get over this hump. Can't seem to hear God. What is my problem?'
I been funktified, attacked by the funk brigade, been funked upon, you name it! I am in a funk and once again, I find myself sick of myself. This journey has surprised me, I guess. I don't know what I expected but I didn't realize it would be this hard. It's perplexing to me because I still see God's caring, loving hand clearly and I see many of His blessings. But somehow, I am not truly laying hold of His joy and peace. I am concentrating on circumstances too much and not on the Creator. I have longed to understand all that has happened to me when I need to be longing to understand Him.
Joy is a deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control.
I read that somewhere awhile back and I need this reminder. God is not held up in traffic! He is just as near to me as He has always been. If I don't "feel" Him near, that's on me, not Him. I need to live in that confidence regardless of how I "feel". Joy, then, becomes a choice - a choice to see things from God's perspective and a choice to trust Him as I embrace the new life He is giving me.
So here is my prayer...
"Dear Lord,
You know me. You know my struggles and my motives and my desires - far better than I know them myself. I want to please You. I really do! But sometimes I feel like I'm just wandering around in the desert, like the Israelites did. Please change my perspective and make it Yours. Please change my focus and make it You! Allow me to grab hold of your joy and peace because it's mine, provided to me by Your work on the cross. And thank You that You never give up on me, You aren't disgusted by me, You don't mock me, You don't dismiss me. You wait, You love, You provide, You nourish, You delight. Imagine that! You delight in me! Teach me, Lord, to delight in You."
Psalm 118:1
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Letting Go
Today, I put my precious youngest daughter Tammera and her two sweet kids on the plane back to Tucson. They had been visiting for three weeks and while that is a nice, long visit, I hadn't seen them since May of last year. And - who knows when she'll be able to come out again? I am continually amazed at how much we all love and care for her. God grafted her into our family years ago. I didn't really understand the process but now, I can't imagine my life without her. She truly has become one of my own. I don't mean to sound sappy but I don't take this relationship for granted. My other girls were stuck with me from the start. Tammera and I chose each other. Maybe it's much like the way God grafts us into His family. I love Tammera for who she is, not for anything she does. That's how God loves me too. But today, I had to let her go. As painful as that was, she has a life and a husband in Tucson and that's where her place is now. I feel pretty sad tonight but kids growing up, moving away, having their own families, all that is normal. I hate the letting go that is part of that process but I accept it. I'm already eagerly looking forward to the next time we are together and I can hug all of them (By then, she'll have three kids)!
I've been thinking a lot lately about another kind of letting go. I was talking to Melissa the other night and I heard myself say to her, "There isn't one hour of any day that I don't think about your father." That was bothering me and as soon as I heard myself say it I knew I had to do something about it. I pondered this as I went to bed that night. I realized that Paul did consume my thoughts and consequently, I was constantly hurting. I was imprisoned in a way, by a man who was no longer in my life. I wondered if I could ask God to free me from the steady onslaught of memories, regrets, feelings, and thoughts. I was afraid. What if God answered my prayer? What would I think about? What would I have? And was it even right to be weary of the turmoil that thoughts of him brought? I felt convicted that it had been long enough. I may always love Paul and I will never regret my life with him. But it is gone now, not by my choice, but still gone. I very tentatively began to pray and ask the Lord to sort out my thoughts. This is hard for me to describe but it just felt so strange to be asking God to help me stop thinking about my husband! I fell asleep a little uncertain, wondering if I were on the right track, not understanding completely but suspecting that I was headed in the right direction. A few nights later I was at the Biblical Counseling class that I am taking. Afterwards, I was talking to a dear friend and I shared a little of what I had been thinking about. She jumped on it in her passionate, enthusiastic way. She's been where I am so she can get away with that. She very definitely felt that I needed to stop the unending cycle and boldly told me that it was sin! She said that I was putting Paul in the place where God should be. "Like an idol?", I said. Exactly. The Lord should consume my thoughts, not a mere man.
I think that God gave us that conversation that night and that it was confirmation to what I had already began processing. I really appreciated her honesty, her courage, and her genuine concern for me. She prayed with me before we went our separate ways and I haven't stopped thinking about all of this since. I haven't arrived! But I'm on the bus. My desire is to glorify God through my life, whatever that life looks like. It seems that for now, that means letting go of the person that occupied the most major portion of my life. It is an extremely painful letting go, not at all like seeing Tammera off. But for the Lord, for myself, for my girls, it is a step I need to take. With God's strength, it will be done.
I've been thinking a lot lately about another kind of letting go. I was talking to Melissa the other night and I heard myself say to her, "There isn't one hour of any day that I don't think about your father." That was bothering me and as soon as I heard myself say it I knew I had to do something about it. I pondered this as I went to bed that night. I realized that Paul did consume my thoughts and consequently, I was constantly hurting. I was imprisoned in a way, by a man who was no longer in my life. I wondered if I could ask God to free me from the steady onslaught of memories, regrets, feelings, and thoughts. I was afraid. What if God answered my prayer? What would I think about? What would I have? And was it even right to be weary of the turmoil that thoughts of him brought? I felt convicted that it had been long enough. I may always love Paul and I will never regret my life with him. But it is gone now, not by my choice, but still gone. I very tentatively began to pray and ask the Lord to sort out my thoughts. This is hard for me to describe but it just felt so strange to be asking God to help me stop thinking about my husband! I fell asleep a little uncertain, wondering if I were on the right track, not understanding completely but suspecting that I was headed in the right direction. A few nights later I was at the Biblical Counseling class that I am taking. Afterwards, I was talking to a dear friend and I shared a little of what I had been thinking about. She jumped on it in her passionate, enthusiastic way. She's been where I am so she can get away with that. She very definitely felt that I needed to stop the unending cycle and boldly told me that it was sin! She said that I was putting Paul in the place where God should be. "Like an idol?", I said. Exactly. The Lord should consume my thoughts, not a mere man.
I think that God gave us that conversation that night and that it was confirmation to what I had already began processing. I really appreciated her honesty, her courage, and her genuine concern for me. She prayed with me before we went our separate ways and I haven't stopped thinking about all of this since. I haven't arrived! But I'm on the bus. My desire is to glorify God through my life, whatever that life looks like. It seems that for now, that means letting go of the person that occupied the most major portion of my life. It is an extremely painful letting go, not at all like seeing Tammera off. But for the Lord, for myself, for my girls, it is a step I need to take. With God's strength, it will be done.
Philippians 3:13-14
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Daughters
I, obviously, do not know much about raising boys. I was blessed with three biological daughters and God graciously blessed me with a 4th (more about her later) when I was nearly 50. Though I don't claim to be any sort of an expert on raising girls, I at least am familiar with the process. Boys? Not so much. I've lived with a lot of people over the years. When I was still married, we often took in people who seemed to have no where else to go and some of them were boys. I remember Rick. He had dreadlocks (this was long before it was acceptable for a white kid) and he had to be ordered to take a shower. He lived in an apartment down the street from us and his mom had thrown him out. He turned out to be very sweet to my young daughters. Last I heard, he was married, had kids of his own, and had a degree in horticulture or something close to that. I don't imagine he has to be told to shower anymore. Then there was Greg, who thought it was O.K. to have a leak in his waterbed and not do anything about it or even mention it, for weeks. He also boiled an artichoke until all the water was gone from the pan and the artichoke had self-combusted. But I digress....back to girls.
I don't think my house had more than the average amount of drama considering there were three girls living in it. I do remember that the drama tended to occur in the middle of the night. I can't count the number of nights that I sat up with a daughter until one or two in the morning hashing out life's difficulties and crying together. If you have sons, do they sleep? In my experience, men sleep at night no matter what. But my girls waited until I was just about to go to bed. It was then, when the house was completely quiet, that hurts, fears, worries, hopes, and dreams demanded to be let out. And so we would talk. I honestly never cared that I was exhausted the next day. I've done a lot of things wrong as a parent but this I can say - if you need an ear at any time during the night, I'm your gal. And it was a privilege to sit on a bed in the dark and listen. Well, of course, if you know me, you know that I also dispensed a lot of unasked for advice during midnight discussions. I've lost some of my stamina and staying power now that I am 60 but I can still rise to the occasion if necessary. Just because my daughters are all grown doesn't mean that they've stopped having late night crises once in a while.
Tammera, my 4th daughter, joined our family when she about 15 years old. Melissa was a year or so older and it wasn't long before they were acting like they'd been sisters all their lives. They would sit up all night watching T.V. and talking and laughing and eating. But then a few days later they'd annoy each other and not talk for a while. Tammera and I settled into our relationship slowly. I wasn't sure what she wanted from me and I am not the most exuberant, enthusiastic person. I didn't want to crowd her but at the same time, I was all she had in the mother department. It was a delicate dance for a few years. But gradually, biological lines blurred. I hardly remember life without her. She learned to drive, had her first boyfriend, renewed her trust in people, and grew as a Christian all under our roof. I had been content with three daughters but I was so honored that God gave me another. Then came the day when Tammera walked in one night and said to me, "Mom, I enlisted in the Air Force!" And just like that, the separation began and our relationship changed. She was going to see the world but she ended up in Tucson. ☺ That young girl that came to me years ago, somewhat guarded and defensive and wounded, is now a fabulous young woman with a husband, two children and another on the way. I haven't seen her in over a year. She and her family were here when my mom died but we haven't seen each other since. She is arriving in six hours!! She and my precious grandchildren, Audrey and Asher, are flying in for a 3 week visit. I'm grateful that her husband, Eli, didn't mind. He has to stay in Tucson and work but understanding Tammera's deep desire to come home again, he is graciously going to "bach it" for a while. I cannot wait to see them all. It is always such a joy to me to have all my girls together and all the cousins happily creating chaos. I'm thrilled that three of my daughters are here in Paso but there is always an empty space. That space is going to be filled up for the next three weeks! Yea!!
I don't think my house had more than the average amount of drama considering there were three girls living in it. I do remember that the drama tended to occur in the middle of the night. I can't count the number of nights that I sat up with a daughter until one or two in the morning hashing out life's difficulties and crying together. If you have sons, do they sleep? In my experience, men sleep at night no matter what. But my girls waited until I was just about to go to bed. It was then, when the house was completely quiet, that hurts, fears, worries, hopes, and dreams demanded to be let out. And so we would talk. I honestly never cared that I was exhausted the next day. I've done a lot of things wrong as a parent but this I can say - if you need an ear at any time during the night, I'm your gal. And it was a privilege to sit on a bed in the dark and listen. Well, of course, if you know me, you know that I also dispensed a lot of unasked for advice during midnight discussions. I've lost some of my stamina and staying power now that I am 60 but I can still rise to the occasion if necessary. Just because my daughters are all grown doesn't mean that they've stopped having late night crises once in a while.
Tammera, my 4th daughter, joined our family when she about 15 years old. Melissa was a year or so older and it wasn't long before they were acting like they'd been sisters all their lives. They would sit up all night watching T.V. and talking and laughing and eating. But then a few days later they'd annoy each other and not talk for a while. Tammera and I settled into our relationship slowly. I wasn't sure what she wanted from me and I am not the most exuberant, enthusiastic person. I didn't want to crowd her but at the same time, I was all she had in the mother department. It was a delicate dance for a few years. But gradually, biological lines blurred. I hardly remember life without her. She learned to drive, had her first boyfriend, renewed her trust in people, and grew as a Christian all under our roof. I had been content with three daughters but I was so honored that God gave me another. Then came the day when Tammera walked in one night and said to me, "Mom, I enlisted in the Air Force!" And just like that, the separation began and our relationship changed. She was going to see the world but she ended up in Tucson. ☺ That young girl that came to me years ago, somewhat guarded and defensive and wounded, is now a fabulous young woman with a husband, two children and another on the way. I haven't seen her in over a year. She and her family were here when my mom died but we haven't seen each other since. She is arriving in six hours!! She and my precious grandchildren, Audrey and Asher, are flying in for a 3 week visit. I'm grateful that her husband, Eli, didn't mind. He has to stay in Tucson and work but understanding Tammera's deep desire to come home again, he is graciously going to "bach it" for a while. I cannot wait to see them all. It is always such a joy to me to have all my girls together and all the cousins happily creating chaos. I'm thrilled that three of my daughters are here in Paso but there is always an empty space. That space is going to be filled up for the next three weeks! Yea!!
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