I was able this morning to take a few quiet moments and sit outside with my cup of coffee and just rest thoughtfully. It was still cool so it was comfortable and it was a beautiful morning. The hummingbirds were busy buzzing all around me. I had finally filled their feeder last night. As a side note: Wouldn't it be awesome to have a metabolism like hummingbirds and get to eat nothing but sugared water all day long? Anyway, I sat there on the swing with my cat Abby on my lap (ironically she was the last Christmas present I received from Paul). I was feeling a little melancholy I guess. I'd been in Auburn last weekend and had a sweet time of fellowship with old friends. I was missing that solid connection with people who know me so well.
I reflected on my struggle for contentment as a single woman, balancing desire for relationship with another human with the reality that my husband is MIA. I was thinking about Bible verses that speak about God as a husband and wondering how that works. How does that apply to me and how do I appropriate that truth? I began to search scripture and honestly, I didn't find too many verses about God being my husband. I read about the church as a whole being the bride of Christ but I was looking for something more individual.
I'm no Bible scholar and so I realize that I have a very limited knowledge about such things. But I came to think that I may have been under undue pressure. I had constantly come down on myself because I was still aching from the misery of separation and I felt that I was sinning because I wasn't perfectly content as a "bride of Christ." I am His and some day, all of us as Christians will be united with Him and that will be glorious! In the meantime, we live in a fallen world and that involves anguish.
I'm not implying that I have an excuse to be discontented. The Bible is clear about being content with what you have and where you are in life. However, woman was created to be a "helper suitable" to the man. And for many years, I was that helper (although not always as "suitable" as I should have been). That part of my life has ended and I haven't always allowed myself to feel the pain involved with that because I felt guilty - like I was failing God by not being satisfied with Him. It's a delicate balance. I know that God is all-sufficient and I'm so grateful for that. But after all, He did create the marriage relationship so why have I thought that I wasn't supposed to feel hurt and loneliness when that relationship ended? We cry for what is lost, whether it is a marriage, our health, a child, a job, etc. That doesn't have to mean that we've abandoned our faith.
I know this is basic and possibly most of you reading this wouldn't even struggle with it. But this has been my battle. Who am I now that I am no longer a wife? How do I grab hold of God's love and comfort when I'm simply missing what once was? And how do I avoid "looking for love in all the wrong places?"
These days, we most often hear "the love chapter", I Cor. 13, used at weddings or in reference to the love between a man and a woman and it is about that. But it is also, and perhaps more importantly, a love letter to me from God Himself. His love NEVER fails me! His love doesn't hold a grudge or keep an account of my failures and wrongdoings. He is infinitely patient with me. How I need that! He ALWAYS protects me! This is what I need to cling to: God is enough still.
As I sat outside, looking over a hillside view that I loved so much, I told the Lord that I had lost the joy that I once felt here. Here. A place. A time. A circumstance. Much has changed in my life but the Lord has not. If I have lost joy, that's my bad and it's on me. God didn't leave me. I've just chosen at times to focus on earthly things and have lost sight of the bigger picture. God understands my pain and He's okay with it. But through these reflections He has reassured me that I am surrounded by His perfect love and though the sting of this life is still felt, it does not have to have victory over me. The pain I feel is not the sin. The sin is when I let that pain define me or rob me or control me. And so this morning, I feel a bit freer, lighter, relieved in fact. Maybe I'm not in as bad a shape as I thought! And if I'm not, it's only because of God's grace in my life. Apart from Him, I can do nothing!
"Without Him I Can Do Nothing"
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