A Crisis of Faith

I've been sick for almost the whole month of December. Maybe that's it - my excuse for how I'm feeling. Or maybe just because the holidays are still a little hard, now that our family dynamics have changed - Paul gone, my mom too. I want to find some freedom from the burdens that I'm carrying but I can't. For reasons I don't understand I have lost faith to some degree. I didn't recognize it for a long time. But I realize that I have taken on so much anxiety and am assuming so much responsibility for so many things. I've always had that tendency but I had been working hard on that issue. I thought I was doing pretty well. Maybe that's my excuse - I'm tired. Tired of trying to keep it all together, trying to put on a happy face, trying to pretend that it's all good. But there is no excuse. I know that. When I get anxious that means that I am trying to play God, plain and simple. I am not accepting the circumstances that He has allowed in my life. I am not believing that He knows best. I am not claiming what is mine as a child of the King. God, forgive me.

How long have I been procrastinating? How many nights have I watched T.V. until I could no longer keep my eyes open just so I could avoid talking to God about my fears? Again, it didn't feel like a conscience choice. I didn't see what I was doing. And maybe this makes no sense because you haven't avoided God. But I have. Thankfully, God is pointing that out to me. And I am ashamed.

James 1:6-8
"But let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."                                          

There are some things that I don't pray about very often and yet they are huge, personal heartaches. They are on my mind almost constantly. So why don't I pray about them constantly? I think because, if I am honest, I don't really believe God is going to change anything. I acknowledge that God could change them, but doubt that He will. Why? The Bible tells me that God longs to bless me. Me! In spite of all my weaknesses, my unspoken doubts and fears, because He loves me, He wants to bless me. Why can't I accept that fully? It's as if I think I still have to pay for my sins. Again - playing God. God wants to favor me but I have to trust Him to do it. I can't do it myself.

Instead of avoiding God because I am doubting, I need to run to Him and confess. I need to remember that I can bring anything to Him without fear, even my weak faith. And it is God, Himself, who will strengthen my faith. I cannot force my faith to grow merely by my own willpower. I am such a slow learner. I know this stuff. And then I set aside what I know. I think that's why I write about it. Not only does it help clarify for me what I'm thinking but it serves as a reminder of what God is teaching me. I'll need reminders often.

So now what? No fireworks going off. No radical, overnight change. I am, though, reassured. God knows me, He chose me, and He will never leave me. He always listens to me and is surprised by nothing. He will lift me out of this dark little hole that I've crawled into if only I ask.

Psalm 34:4
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Psalm 62:5-6
"My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken."

I'm ...

What is it about being single that makes me think about my youth? I believe I am content in the circumstances that God has allowed. I believe I have a forgiving spirit. I know that God is all-sufficient and that He wants me to totally depend on Him. And I want to. But there is something nagging at me and it's silly. I don't want to look old. I want to lose weight. I want to be perky, slim, confident, capable, and well, younger! And for what? Or should I say for whom? My kids and grand kids don't care what I look like (unless I'm wearing tie dye). I'm not dating anyone and would undoubtedly have a panic attack if I attempted dating. God certainly accepts me just the way I am. But the fact that Paul is gone has left me so unbalanced. I should now have complete and utter freedom to be and look however I choose. No one sees my lime green knee socks under my extra large flannel P.J.s. No one. And maybe that's the crux of the matter. God is my all-in-all but He, in His wisdom, designed us for relationship, not just with Him but with others. The main "other" in my life was my husband. That post is vacant now and while most times I'm O.K. with that, I'd be lying if I tried to convince myself that I don't miss having someone just for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm so blessed by my children and grandchildren. I can't even imagine being without them. A husband, though, plays a different role in a woman's life. So occasionally, I come home and wish I had someone to sit with in front of the fire.

Now here's where it gets a little weird - it's on those occasional nights that I begin to look at myself and all that I think is wrong with me. I start off with my wrinkles and weight and if I let it go, it quickly progresses to my abilities (or inabilities) as a wife and mother. If I continue in that vein, in the end, I deem myself completely unworthy of anyone (besides God) loving me. But is that what God intends for me? Sometimes, God reminds me of His constant presence by allowing distressing things to happen that drive me to Him. I'm honestly grateful for that because I don't naturally go to Him when all is well. And let's face it, if I believe that I am God's child, uniquely created by Him, perfectly designed in His image, what am I saying about the Lord? Am I saying, "God, you screwed up when you made me"? I need to hang onto His perspective. If I can remember who I am in God's eyes it just might change my whole view of myself. (It certainly should but I'm just saying, it seems that I struggle with that idea a bit.) I just recently heard the song "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real and it sounds so much like the stuff that I do - I let a lot of crap into my mind, especially when I'm alone at night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRKAXU1Fjic

"Forgiven" by Sanctus Real

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[back to chorus]

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause

[back to chorus]

I'm "a treasure in the arms of Christ." Who cares if I've gained a little weight? Who cares if I actually look my age? I do but should I? It only causes me discontent. God accepts me and loves me as I am and I should love myself in the same way. That doesn't mean I have license to do whatever I want. I'm still responsible for my actions and I'm still expected to continue to grow to be more like Christ. However, in the meantime, I need to get over myself and enjoy how God has blessed me. Because... He has!!