For as long as I can remember, I have worked hard to be "the good girl" - the good student, good daughter, good wife (look where that got me), the good mother, the good employee, good sister, good friend, the good Christian. I'm not saying it's wrong to try to be the best in all you do. I think God expects and deserves our best. But Satan inserts a little sinful twist. Very subtly, he encouraged me to think that my worth depended on what I did, not on who I was. I've spent years trying to achieve near perfection but always falling short, years of trying to make myself better but always being disappointed, years of wanting to feel good about myself but never being satisfied with my efforts. And through this process, I'd come to believe that I constantly disappointed God. I approached Him as if He were tired of hearing from me, tired of cleaning up my messes, tired of trying to teach me, tired of listening to me. It sounds terrible as I write this. Where is God's grace and forgiveness in all this? Where is my peace and contentment?
Satan is clever, though. It wasn't always all that obvious to me that my thinking was skewed. After all, Satan specializes in deception so he hid his strategy among righteous sounding goals and Christian "good girl" plans. As a result I find, in myself, an overwhelming desire to do the right thing. What could be wrong with that? It's my motives - I haven't been "good" because of my love for the Lord and because I desire to please Him. I've made it about me, not about God. It's as if I'm trying to save myself. (As a side note, I also tend to make it my business to try to save everyone else - fix them, tell them how they could be better, etc. Annoys the heck out of my girls.) I measure myself daily and tally up my failures. I'm still pondering all this but it occurs to me that I haven't truly embraced God's forgiveness and therefore I have allowed myself to miss out on some of the blessing that is already mine as a child of the King.
This skewed thinking has caused me to do some weird things. When I came home some years ago and found my husband being served dinner by his mistress, I didn't throw her out. It wouldn't have been "the Christian thing to do." My counselor asked me, "Debbie, where is your righteous indignation?" Indeed! So I did nothing. I've been unjustly accused of wrong-doing in a work situation, taken advantage of in my own home, I've put up and shut up. Yet, in other situations, I've barreled ahead, taken things into my own hands and tried to play God - and, needless to say, screwed things all up.
Now we are at the "concluding paragraph" and this is the time when you might expect to find the whisper of wisdom, the suggested solution, the tangible truth, the righteous revelation. (Had enough?) Unfortunately, I don't have that. I'm a work in progress. But, praise God, I'm thinking about this stuff and He is patiently walking me through it. For today, I'm focusing on several truths...
One, God is more than capable and more than willing to do ALL that He has promised me. (Romans 4:21)
Two, I can (and will) learn to be content in all things knowing that He has given me everything I need.
(II Peter 1:3, Phil. 4:11-13)
Three, I will pray for God to change my thinking so that the negativity that Satan wants me to dwell on has no place in my mind. (Phil. 4:8)
I am saved! I will spend eternity with Christ! God chose ME! How much more special can I get?
THANK YOU, JESUS!
