Thursday, January 31, 2013
The Unseen
Three years ago today Paul walked out of my life. How long will I mark time in this way? I feel the anger welling up in me and I struggle to keep it under wraps. I can't stop thinking about the part in II Corinthians 4 where it says,
"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;".
I like the way The Message says it...
"We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken."
Corinthians was written to believers who were suffering because of their faith. I can't say that is the case for me. It's not a "holy suffering." It's just plain old "I live in a sinful world" sort of pain. Of course, on top of my marriage dissolving, there are always other stresses, some very difficult and personal and every bit as heartbreaking as infidelity. What can I say about myself? I'd like to be able to confidently declare that I don't feel despair or demoralization. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case. However, God is sustaining me and maybe I just can't see around the corner. So this is my loose paraphrase of II Cor. 4:8-9 ...
"I have been distressed by circumstances so constantly and for such a long time now but I have not given up. I get up every morning and face the day, most often, now, fairly effectively. But even on my bad days, I never completely throw in the towel and I do not blame God (though occasionally He and I may have had strong words). I am definitely puzzled by God's plans and intentions for me. I often wonder if I'll ever be useful to Him and I question whether I will ever get over myself and move on. But I know that He is in charge and I recognize that I would screw things up if I were the boss. So I try to trust that God knows best and I accept that He is not required to tell me the future. When despair or sadness overtakes me, I hang on and ride it out because I know from experience that this heaviness will pass. I sense at times that my struggles are attacks from Satan but I know that God will never abandon me. I am not alone and I must believe that in my heart even when my head tells me otherwise. I've been knocked down, humiliated, disrespected, ignored, called names, used, and taken for granted. I've also had to take a good hard look at my own sins and faults and face them head on. Through it all, I HAVE NOT BEEN BROKEN OR DESTROYED." Praise God!!
II Corinthians 4:16-18
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
The Holidays
I was thinking the other night about my dad and the challenges he faces as he ages. I began to pray for him and I was asking the Lord to be his strength, comfort, and to give us both peace and wisdom as we face the days ahead. As I lay in my bed praying, I realized...He is my strength, my dad's strength, our peace, our wisdom. I don't have to ask Him to be that. He already is!! Praise God. I just have to live like I believe that. Then came Christmas and I felt that I was moving through the season, simply tolerating it. When did it become something I just needed to "get through?" I missed the joy in celebrating Christ's birth and all that it means to me. Oh, I can list off lots of reasons for a less-than-wonderful attitude. But as I've pondered this, God has again reminded me that He is my strength, peace, wisdom, and JOY! I've been living my life as if I were waiting - waiting for resolution, waiting for peace, waiting for something to happen.
I kept trying to write but the truth is that I've felt so depleted and I guess I feel like when I write I should be able to end with some profound truth. Pride! Who am I to think that I've got it all together and I need to share it with the world? It is enough that "God Is!" He exists, He loves me, He has saved me. He is the only One I need. I don't need to be waiting for anything. He has done it all already and He knows what is coming for me. Yes, He felt my loneliness during the holidays. Yes, I'm still sitting here in front of an awesome fire - alone. I need to quit my griping. I am so blessed. So here are just a few highlights of my holiday...
We were not able to be together as a family on Christmas Day this year so we gathered at my house on December 19th for our traditional "soup supper" and to let the little ones open their presents from me.
The Paso 5.
A couple of days later, Sarah, Jenny, and I took the five Paso kids to the "Follow the Star" presentation at FBC. It was a great experience although Kian got scared and I had to carry him through the stations and Lissy clung very tightly to Aunt Sarah's hand. Jenny was kept busy with Arrow and the two older boys were left to their own devices!
The "play dough station" was probably the favorite and that was just while we were waiting for our turn to "travel."
Aunt Sarah trying to comfort Arrow but that Mama's boy wasn't buying it!
Christmas night, Melissa, Donny, and Donny's parents graciously included me in their Christmas dinner and the next night, Donny's mom, Susie, cooked a fabulous Swedish smorgasbord and insisted that I join them for that too. It was all delicious and it was so hospitable for the Stivers (who had come all the way from Wisconsin) to share their family time with me.
The next week I got to babysit Arrow for the first time. Actually, I had all three Hanna boys while Jenny took Felicity for her 5-year old vaccinations. I got Arrow to sleep by wearing him in a sling and then took the whole sling off, with him in it, and put him down in the chair. I still got it!! Isn't he sweet?
And then there's New Year's Eve! Who wouldn't enjoy a hot date with this young man and "Ice Age - Continental Drift?"
And the finale? God is so good! He surprised me with a visit from Tammera and her family. Her wonderful husband is sensitive to her need and desire to be with her family and so they drove out from Tucson, bringing sweet Audrey, Asher, and brand new baby Callan. Callan was only 11 days old when they arrived! Eli knew they might not get another opportunity to come out any time soon and so, though it was a long and arduous trip, they came! They left yesterday and though it's sad, I'm left with the memory of their precious fellowship.
A rare occasion - all eight of my grandchildren in my living room. I told the girls that I didn't care what shape the kids were in. I just wanted them all in the same photo. Praise God! This is as good as it gets.
And here they all are with my dad and me- just prior to meltdown!
And so I sit here tonight, reflecting on the year. We've had our struggles, no doubt. I still have much to work through. But really? How can I complain? Look at these pictures! I am overflowing with gratitude to God!
I kept trying to write but the truth is that I've felt so depleted and I guess I feel like when I write I should be able to end with some profound truth. Pride! Who am I to think that I've got it all together and I need to share it with the world? It is enough that "God Is!" He exists, He loves me, He has saved me. He is the only One I need. I don't need to be waiting for anything. He has done it all already and He knows what is coming for me. Yes, He felt my loneliness during the holidays. Yes, I'm still sitting here in front of an awesome fire - alone. I need to quit my griping. I am so blessed. So here are just a few highlights of my holiday...
We were not able to be together as a family on Christmas Day this year so we gathered at my house on December 19th for our traditional "soup supper" and to let the little ones open their presents from me.
Jason, Sarah, and Gabriel Baker.
Zac, Jenny, Logan, Felicity, Kian, and Arrow Hanna.
Donny and Melissa Stiver.
Me, my dad (Papa to everyone), and my brother, Tim.
Presents!! You can barely see it but in the background on the table is a beautiful picture of my mom and dad at Melissa and Donny's wedding. Next to that is a picture of Sarah, Jenny, Melissa, and my mom. The girls are wearing matching dresses that I had made them for Christmas.
Sarah and Felicity have a special bond because they are both very beautiful, prissy, girly girls! Lissy is wearing a dress that I made her for Christmas.
A couple of days later, Sarah, Jenny, and I took the five Paso kids to the "Follow the Star" presentation at FBC. It was a great experience although Kian got scared and I had to carry him through the stations and Lissy clung very tightly to Aunt Sarah's hand. Jenny was kept busy with Arrow and the two older boys were left to their own devices!
The "play dough station" was probably the favorite and that was just while we were waiting for our turn to "travel."
Aunt Sarah trying to comfort Arrow but that Mama's boy wasn't buying it!
Christmas night, Melissa, Donny, and Donny's parents graciously included me in their Christmas dinner and the next night, Donny's mom, Susie, cooked a fabulous Swedish smorgasbord and insisted that I join them for that too. It was all delicious and it was so hospitable for the Stivers (who had come all the way from Wisconsin) to share their family time with me.
The next week I got to babysit Arrow for the first time. Actually, I had all three Hanna boys while Jenny took Felicity for her 5-year old vaccinations. I got Arrow to sleep by wearing him in a sling and then took the whole sling off, with him in it, and put him down in the chair. I still got it!! Isn't he sweet?
And then there's New Year's Eve! Who wouldn't enjoy a hot date with this young man and "Ice Age - Continental Drift?"
And the finale? God is so good! He surprised me with a visit from Tammera and her family. Her wonderful husband is sensitive to her need and desire to be with her family and so they drove out from Tucson, bringing sweet Audrey, Asher, and brand new baby Callan. Callan was only 11 days old when they arrived! Eli knew they might not get another opportunity to come out any time soon and so, though it was a long and arduous trip, they came! They left yesterday and though it's sad, I'm left with the memory of their precious fellowship.
My dad, meeting Callan for the first time. (By the way, Callan is wearing a sleeper that I bought for him. I had bought the same one for Arrow. You know, how cute would that be? Cousins, two months apart, in matching outfits. Arrow never got to wear his. :( He was too big!)
Can you see the difference between the two boys? I know, it's subtle. Look closely! :)
Lissy will be a wonderful mother one day, just like her mama!
And here they all are with my dad and me- just prior to meltdown!
And so I sit here tonight, reflecting on the year. We've had our struggles, no doubt. I still have much to work through. But really? How can I complain? Look at these pictures! I am overflowing with gratitude to God!
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