My Sure Foundation

I read this verse the other morning and it was exactly what I needed. Think about it. "A sure foundation for MY times." I've been pondering retirement lately, or more accurately, the possibility that I will need to work until I keel over at my desk. I'm 62 and the reality is that I need to consider a few things and maybe do a little planning. When I was younger and married, I didn't give it any thought. However, there were certain assumptions made. We would have two incomes for quite a while, then two social security checks, Medicare, a small retirement account, and finally, the option to sell the property and buy something for cash.

My times have changed. Now there is one inadequate income, a future of only one social security check, no retirement account, and a property that could potentially provide for me when I lose my mind as long as I can sell at a reasonable price. Add to that all the controversy and turmoil with the whole medical insurance situation, civil unrest, the struggle that young families have to just survive...the list of worries is endless.

God expects me to be prudent. Trusting Him with my future doesn't mean just sitting down and waiting for a retirement plan to drift down from heaven. After all, death is the only retirement option that is guaranteed to provide for us forever. It's often hard, though, to be prudent and prepared but not cross over to anxious and controlling. Was I trusting in my husband's presence in my life? Was he my old age security blanket? I wasn't conscience of that but maybe I was a bit. At least I wasn't going to be in the struggle alone. But now...?

Yesterday, I heard about a young couple that had money in the bank, cars paid for, good jobs, etc. Then one night they were hit head-on by a drunk driver who had almost no insurance. In the blink of an eye, their lives changed. They were devastated both physically and financially. No amount of planning could have prevented the tragedy. They needed a sure foundation. I need a sure foundation.

I don't have a husband anymore but I am most definitely not alone. In fact, even when I was married, my husband wasn't the foundation on which I should have been basing my life. We are all sinners. Consequently, we all let each other down at times. God is the only foundation on which I can depend. And as if His salvation isn't enough, He also promises "a rich store of wisdom and knowledge." The Bible calls these three things, salvation, wisdom, and knowledge, our "treasure". And, since, I am not the brightest bulb in the box, the Bible even tells me the key to unlock this treasure:  the fear of the Lord, meaning, a reverence, an awe, a respect, a knowing of our God.

So, in these days, when I wonder how I will survive when I'm 75 years old, when I question how I will avoid throwing myself on the mercies of my daughters, when I panic about retirement, I need this verse. I must constantly remember that He is the foundation for my times. I need nothing else. I can completely trust Him to care for me until He decides to release me from the confines and stresses of this world. I need to immerse myself in His Word so that I can unlock this precious treasure.

This isn't easy for me. For too long, I have made it my mission to fix and take care of everybody from my dad to my kids to the family dog. I do some good things. I also drive people crazy. Most importantly, I lose the peace that comes when God is acknowledged as my foundation. He never changes. He always was and always will be my sure foundation. This is truth and it will continue to be truth no matter how I behave. I need to live what I believe. I can't do it under my own power but my gracious God will enable and strengthen and carry me.

Praise God! You are my sure foundation!

Redefining Myself

It might seem odd but today I am reflecting on God's design for marriage and how it works for our good. I say odd because, well obviously, I no longer have a functioning marriage. I do, however, have a previous marriage to think about and while I may sometimes make jokes about all that I can do now that I am single, my desire has never been to be without my partner.

This month marks five years since my husband walked out. I am assuming that most people reading this blog already know the Lord so I am also assuming that we can agree that the primary thing that defines us as Christians is that we are a child of God. That is of utmost importance. But during our brief time on this earth, there are other defining moments that shape our futures and our lives. Marriage is definitely one of those moments and so is parenthood. When our status changes from "single" to "in a relationship" to "married", we begin to redefine ourselves. "I'm Paul's wife". Everyone knew what that meant. And later, "I'm Sarah's mom". These descriptions tell another person a little bit about me and what is important to me.

It is a natural thing for our identity as a parent to change as our children grow into adults. We (theoretically) step back and our relationships adjust as they become more independent of us. This is as it should be. But marriage? By God's design that was never supposed to end except by death. Our commitment to our spouse is a picture of our faithfulness to God and His to us.

This morning, I read a news article about a pastor (now former pastor) who chose to "Live a Year Without God" and blog about it. At the end of his 12 months he has concluded that he "no longer believes in God".

A Year Without God

Now personally, I think it is safe to say that this man never did believe in God. A true follower of Christ would never sacrifice a year of his life for the sake of experimentation. Or would they? We are often derailed by sinful practices but repentance and forgiveness is always an option for us. This man though, is now redefining himself as a non-believer. When he let go of his supposed faith and the title of "pastor",  he needed to replace it with something else. It appears that he is becoming the spokesperson for disenfranchised former "Christians". What does that have to do with me?

For many years I was a wife. It defined me. That wasn't a bad thing. Yes, my status as a follower of Christ was more important but God had called me to be a wife also and for a long time that was my work, my job, my ministry. As such, it provided structure and purpose in my day to day living as well as numerous opportunities to learn more about the character of God (His grace, forgiveness, patience, etc.) and then more opportunities to extend what I was learning to others. After all, you don't live with a person 24/7 without either learning patience or resorting to violence. Marriage is also a protected environment, or should be. I had a partner, a husband who was designed by God to love me and care for me and be loyal and faithful to me and he had that same thing in me.

Fast forward to today. I am no longer a wife though I still feel the loss of that part of me. I think I have been struggling to redefine myself but without an earthly anchor it's been hard. God is so patient with me though. Five years feels like a long time to me. I've often said that I think I should be further along in this whole process. But maybe I am looking at it with clouded vision. I know something about commitment. I was married for a very long time. I also know what it feels like to have that commitment end. As I have moved from simply reacting to the pain to a more balanced place of trust in God, I am realizing that my marriage has hammered home the concept of covenant. If I have suffered this much because of the loss of a husband, if the breaking of his covenant to me has caused this much pain - can I even imagine the pain of a person separated from God? Or can I imagine God's heartache when He is rejected by His creation?

I am secure in my position as His child. I know He will never walk out on me and He will NEVER be unfaithful. But I can still stray from Him. I can wallow in self-pity or give in to an addiction to avoidance or walk away from ministry and think only of myself. I can be unfaithful to God and suffer the consequences. However, because of the devastation caused by the dissolution of my marriage, I am terrified of letting that happen. I understand more fully what God meant by "the two shall become one". The oneness that I desire now is with the Lord. It should have always been that way and at times it was. In the busyness of life though we often are sidetracked a bit by the weight of responsibilities that clamor for our attention and edge out God. These responsibilities are most often God-given, i.e. a husband and children. It's just a struggle to keep our priorities in order. I have no excuse now other than the fact that an inherent pride often subtly keeps my mind on myself instead of focused on God.

So - now that I am no longer a wife - do I need to "redefine" myself? I think not. It isn't for me to do. God's purpose for me is to glorify Him, however He chooses to use me. I need to be willing to do and be whatever He desires. There is certainly freedom in that. I am His responsibility and not my own. But it's a little bit scary too. For my entire adult life I was a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I still am some of those things. Actually, I am still all of those things. But I am more. Above all, I am the daughter of the King and my desire is truly to serve and glorify Him, even though my worldly status has changed. I also need to be "less": Less about me, less about my marriage, even less about my family. The more I put God first the better mom, daughter, sister, friend I'll be anyway so it's a win-win for everyone! I am just Debbie, called by God to slog through this life in victory as His child. It's time for me to get back into the race.

A Mostly Humorous Look at Being Single

Not too long ago, I had an older woman (well, older than me) tell me that I was "lucky" I was now single. I don't think she's too happy in her marriage! I thought it was a very odd comment to make. I don't feel "lucky" at all. But I decided that I've been expending too much thought lately about my status. In the spirit of "taking a positive outlook", here is a lighter look at being single...

Things I Get to Enjoy Now That I'm Single

1.    I can fart with abandon. (I saw this phrase on a card and couldn't resist.)
2.    I can eat goldfish crackers in bed.
3.    I can put the litter box in the bathtub.
4.    I can go to bed in the same sweats I wore all day.
5.    I can turn on the T.V. at 2 a.m.
6.    I am privileged to get to remove various small creatures (both dead and alive) from my room all   by myself.
7.    If my hair is sticking out in the back, nobody cares.
8.    I can chase the neighbor's dog off (the one that's as big as a small pony) wearing my Spider Man bedroom slippers.
9.    I can take the trash down to the dumpster at midnight.
10.  I can spread my sewing stuff all over the dining room table and leave it there for days.
11.  I can sit outside and watch the sunset and not worry that dinner's not ready.
12.  For that matter, I can skip dinner. Or eat two dinners. And eat them any time I want.
13.  I can turn on my electric blanket without making someone else too hot.
14.  I can sleep sideways across the bed.
15.  I can sit in the back row at church.
16.  I can watch NCIS  for hours. And in the living room if I prefer.
17.  I can talk to myself out loud.
18.  I can stay out after work as late as I like - if I had somewhere to go.
19.  I can build my own fires.
20.  I can use all the towel racks.
21.  I can do my own minor home repairs.
22.  I can buy my own tires for my car.
23.  I can read all night...with the light on.
24.  I can sleep with the cats.
25.  I could get some chickens or a goat, if I wanted to.
26.  I can skip shaving my legs in the winter.
And finally...
27.  I don't have to hold my stomach in when naked.

Don't get me wrong. I'd rather be married. But since that option was taken away from me, I might as well embrace my freedom. Right? Hmmm...

The main thing I'm learning is that I can enjoy depending on God alone. While I still believe that God designed marriage to last forever, sometimes it just doesn't. But that doesn't mean that I am destined for misery the rest of my life. I can joke about silly things but God is so good, so present, so involved in my life that it is impossible to cry for too long. I recently started a "blessing jar" and it is exciting to see the little scraps of paper, all with something written on them that I'm thankful for, filling up the jar. I'm hoping and praying that 2015 is a year filled with growth, acceptance, forgiveness, and contentment as I draw closer to the Savior that holds my very breath in His hands.

Christmas Time Again

I work in a dental office and consequently, a large number of people with very diverse lives cross my path. These days, I am often struck by the hardships that are hidden from public view but that I hear about after a visit or two. Life is hard for many people and there is pain out there that seems overwhelming at times. Loneliness, grief, sickness, abandonment, betrayal, financial struggles, divided relationships and families, aging. The list goes on and on and none of us are immune. We each have something that is hard to bear.

It is traditional, at least in the United States, for us to have high expectations for the Christmas season. I imagine creatively chosen gifts that the recipients think are fabulous, thoughtful and sentimental homemade offerings that will be lovingly remembered, no credit card bills, organized planning so that all is ready ahead of time, decorations worthy of Martha Stewart, fragrant aromas coming from a perfectly executed dinner, family togetherness and harmony, restful reflection, grandchildren listening attentively and quietly to the Christmas story, and an opportunity to focus on the miracle of Christ's birth in a way that I don't accomplish the rest of the year. Surely, I'm not alone in dreaming of this scenario.

Seriously? Who am I kidding? The reality is that I am still struggling with the pain of not having a husband to share anything with and stress and worry about where my life is right now and what I'm supposed to do about it. Needless to say, my high expectations set me up for failure and disappointment every time. Discouragement has set in and anxiety has taken over. Shopping felt last minute and I am uncertain of my choices. There are no homemade ornaments this year because I just couldn't get it together. I did resist the whole credit card trap but I definitely spent more than I had planned. There is a tree up with a few decorations on it but the other Christmas paraphernalia is spread out all over the living room floor. The dining room table is covered with unfinished sewing, there are no menus planned, and there has certainly been no restful reflection or focus on the Savior's birth. So far, not even any Christmas music!!

It is all very troubling to me. I have recently finished a Bible Study on God's sovereignty and it was life changing. It has caused me to examine my life with a different perspective. I know that anxiety is a sin, born of pride, and I am conscience of the fact that God uses adversity in my life for His purposes, His glory, and my good. I'm doing fairly well with that concept. But start to throw in my family and there my trust seems to falter. I HATE to see my kids, my dad, or my brother struggle with anything. I long for all to be cohesive, pleasant, loving, and easy. Let's serve others! Let's comfort those in need. Let's minister to the minions. Let's NOT have the distress or sorrow inside our own walls!

I want to recoil from pain. I want to cry out to God to remove it. I attempt to control an outcome rather than waiting and responding to God. I wrestle against Him instead of with Him. I read a devotional recently that talked about how, as we ponder the Christmas miracle, we usually leave out the pain of that time. Think about Mary, a young but devout girl, willingly saying, "May it be done to me according to Your Word." She risked rejection and persecution due to her "illegitimate" pregnancy. Then think about the pain in Bethlehem when Herod ordered the murder of all the little boys! Jesus' birth, the best day for us as believers, brought unimaginable pain as well. The link below is to the devotional I read:

http://www.faithgateway.com/remember-the-dragon-christmas-invasion/?utm_source=devosdaily&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=devosdaily20141215&spMailingID=47620720&spUserID=ODYzNDIyMzg5NDkS1&spJobID=582853801&spReportId=NTgyODUzODAxS0#.VJRzMl4AbM

I don't have the corner on suffering and I am convicted about how I respond to it. I want to learn to receive my life, knowing it is from the hand of God, and stop fighting it so. Can I say to God, as Mary did, "Let it be according to Your Word?" That is my genuine hope and desire but I am a work in progress. Thankfully, God is infinitely patient!

P.S.

       I don't know much about this book yet, but this is what I've decided to read next. It's called, "anything: the prayer that unlocked my God and my Soul." It sounds applicable to what I've been thinking about. Anybody care to join me?

Anything

The Tree Outside My Window

My bedroom window is right over the head of my bed and faces east. Sometimes, when the moon is full, I enjoy just lying in bed and looking out the window as the moon passes over me. In the daytime, my bedroom window provides a beautiful view of the vineyards surrounding me as well as the hills in the distance. I never tire of looking.

Though I live on 14 acres I really can't grow anything. I loathe yardwork. I enjoy the peace and solitude that country living provides but have been unable to embrace the whole "live off the land" thing. We have been experiencing a drought for several years and that doesn't help either. Even if I wanted to grow something, keeping it alive affordably is an issue.

Randomly, native shrubs, bushes, or even trees will spring up. Because they are green I welcome them. I figure they know where they will thrive and it's better than a weed or thistle. And then one sprang up under my bedroom window. I didn't even notice it for a long time. My window starts at about three and a half feet above the ground and since it faces out back where I rarely walk, I wasn't aware of this new little shrub until it peeked over the bottom edge of my sill. It grew up slowly but steadily and for a while I thought it would do no harm. It was the only green thing out there and it was a decent looking bush as opposed to the many dead bushes that line my driveway.

But then it began to obstruct my view and blocked the incoming light. What had begun innocently enough suddenly loomed over the whole window. In the morning I would awaken to darkness and where once I could gaze out and see for miles, now I just saw leaves. Even then I did nothing. I told myself that the leaves were pretty and that it was providing a home for the birds. Eventually, I had to admit that it was simply not acceptable for that bush to be there. But when I walked out back to get a really good look at it I was amazed. It was so much larger than I realized. It spread wider than the borders of my window and there was much of it that I had been unable to see through the confines of the glass. It had to go! And yet, it seemed overwhelming for me to try to cut down. And so, for a time, I returned to doing nothing about it.

Finally one day, in a fit of sudden determination, I walked out back with a small hand saw and attacked an outlying branch. As soon as that branch was gone it gave me access to more of the interloper. I kept sawing methodically as each branch was revealed until all were cut off and had been dragged further out back into a pile to be burned.

The stumps remain. I didn't (and never will) have the energy to dig them out. Consequently, the bush may re-grow, sending out new shoots. But I know better now. I'm keeping an eye on it and am committed to preventing regrowth as soon as it makes an appearance. It is so much easier to cut off a tiny little twig than to exhaustingly wrestle with a full-blown outbreak.

So it is with sin in our lives. Often, we aren't even aware of its birth. We don't notice until it peeks over our horizon. But by then, it has taken root and there is much that is unseen. We may tell ourselves that it is harmless, even attractive, until one day, we recognize that the sin is covering up our view of God and is a barrier to living in His light. When my husband and I split up I just about drove myself crazy wondering. I wasn't asking God why He had done this to me. I wasn't blaming God. I just felt that if I could understand my husband, if I could hear what was going on in his head, if I could glimpse my contributions to our problems, then I could make peace with my situation.

It wasn't until almost five years after my husband left me that God revealed my sin to me through a Bible study on God's sovereignty. God's wisdom is infinite and "His understanding has no limit." (Psalm 147:5) God's purposes are for HIS glory and for my good. And what is the good that God desires for me? The good that God works in my life is conformity to the likeness of Jesus Christ. God isn't obligated to explain what He does or allows. He is God! I can trust Him fully because, through His Word, I can know Him. God gently showed me that even in my "innocent" desire for understanding, I was unwilling to live with my circumstances without a rational (i.e. human) explanation for what had happened to me. I needed to surrender that desire for understanding to God. My pain, sadness, loss, and loneliness were not my sins. I needed to quiet my heart before God and simply allow Him to be God.

I'm grateful that God is so patient with me as I struggle to learn to trust Him more fully. My view is restored but I am aware that, at any time, a small twig of sin may burst forth. I'm praying that God will show that to me so that, with His divine guidance, I can nip it in the bud instead of allowing it to grow and thrive for years.

God's Sovereignty

I've had a semi-migraine for three days so since today was my day off, I decided to cry "Uncle" and take a sick day. I lounged around, puttered on the computer, watched Judge Judy, and then worked on my Bible Study lesson. Our study is on the sovereignty of God and it's a tough one. This week the study deals with His sovereignty over nations.

I spent some time on the lesson and then moved out to the kitchen for a snack. It was dusk so I decided to splurge and make a pomegranate margarita, my new fav. I went out front and relaxed on the swing. It was a great sunset, I was surrounded by hummingbirds, peace and quiet, and I began to reflect on the study. Here I was - not feeling well. But I was warm, well fed, had plenty of Advil at my disposal, beauty all around me, medical care if I needed it. I planned to go in the hot tub later and then get in my very comfortable bed and watch T.V.

I was a bit lonely. On a beautiful night like tonight it would be nice to share it with someone. I should have been at a wedding but since it was a young man that both Paul and I had been close to, I bowed out. Just too awkward. I was also feeling fearful tonight. I realized that anytime I feel a bit off, I start to worry. I haven't been the healthiest these last couple of years and my biggest fear is that I will get Parkinson's like my mom did. So...

How does the sovereignty of God play into this? First of all, I know that I am not supposed to worry or be anxious or be fearful. I thought about the verses in the Bible that I'd read earlier. I thought about God's control over authority, rulers, nations, and men. Here I was, whimpering about a future possible unknown, uncertain illness while thousands suffer under hideous conditions. I saw a picture on Yahoo of a nine year old girl who was mourning her mother's death due to Ebola. No one could come near her to comfort her because she was likely infected as well. And here I sat - crying into my margarita while I watched the sun go down. Shame on me!

I took some time to pray as I walked around my hilltop. I confessed my fears to God and asked His forgiveness. I was ashamed of many things. I expressed to Him that I truly did want to live for Him and glorify Him, no matter what that entailed.  I have no clue what my future holds. But if I begin to doubt God during difficult times, the entire fabric of my faith will begin to unravel. It's all or nothing. Either I can trust Him 100% or not at all. It's my choice to make and my stand to take. He is completely reliable. I am the weak one. He is completely in control. I am the one who only thinks I have some control. He is the One who sees the whole picture, for His glory. I only see a small fraction. He is God. I am not. That's the bottom line.

Am I lonely sometimes? Yes. Do I hurt sometimes? Yes. Am I blessed? All the time!! Could I do better on my own? Absolutely not! I don't think I will ever understand exactly how God's sovereignty works. How does it make sense that He allowed a Hitler? Not for me to know. If He is who He says He is, and if I truly put my faith in Him, then my life is simple. Go with it. Let God do His work in me and make the choice to obey Him and praise Him no matter what. It's a relief in a lot of ways. I don't have to worry about the future. I don't have to feel fearful. Do I want to be single? No. Do I want to get Parkinson's? Of course not. But I am and I could. It's all in God's hands. Can I leave my life there? I'm trying...one day at a time. And I won't regret it!

God Gave Me An Aisle Seat!

Ever since Paul and I split up I have rented out several bedrooms in my house to help pay the mortgage. My current roommate is Heather, a young woman that I actually knew years ago in Santa Barbara. Heather seems to have quite a knack for coming up with free stuff. Last Friday night, while attending her daughter's high school football game, she was given four free tickets to Crosby, Stills, and Nash at the Santa Barbara County Bowl. The concert was the very next night. Heather really isn't familiar with most of their music but she's game for fun so she wanted to go and invited me to go with her. She also invited her cousin, Paula, who lives in Santa Barbara, and Paula's boyfriend.

I was a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young fan to be sure. They weren't at the top of the list - that spot is reserved always for The Eagles, but CSNY was a contender. Now they tour without Young and I've seen them before at the Bowl and they weren't all that good. After all, they are older than I am. Still, as I debated about going, I realized that I rarely do anything apart from my job or my family. I always was a bit of a homebody to be sure. But since Paul left, I've taken shelter in what I know. That isn't a bad thing. Praise God, I have a job I enjoy and a family I love that has stood by me through this whole process. But here was an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and I immediately had a sense that it might be good for me. If you don't suffer from irrational fears occasionally then I'm sure you're thinking, "How crazy is this woman? Free tickets!" But I am a person who hates crowds, avoids unknown places, hesitates when confronted with strangers, and generally am anti-social. Don't judge. Anyway, I found myself saying to Heather, "Sure. Why not?"

We left town the next day with me driving. Heather said she had a tendency to fall asleep at the wheel later in the evening so I thought it prudent to take my car. We arrived at her cousin's house. Paula and her boyfriend were very nice and Paula had graciously fixed a salad and pizza for all of us. She also served pomegranate margaritas. I have never had one before but I'm telling you...they were awesome! I left with the recipe. Heather conveniently had another cousin who lives right across the street from the Bowl and had an extra parking place. Score! We arrived during the first song and really had to bust it up the hill to the concert. If you've been to the Bowl you know it's a beautiful venue but for an out-of-shape person such as myself, the hike up the side of the mountain was breath taking, if you know what I mean. Anyway, after a short breather, I was able to continue on to our seats. They were actually really good seats and as I sat down I realized, GOD GAVE ME AN AISLE SEAT!! Only some of you will realize the magnitude of that fact. For someone like me, crowds are threatening. Even on the aisle, I had to fight my way through a panic attack early on. But I gradually relaxed and began to enjoy the concert. I was struck by the beauty of the surroundings but mostly, I was amazed that I was there and I HAD AN AISLE SEAT! I knew God had provided that for me. I really did.

As it turned out, the concert wasn't very good. If you knew what they used to sound like you could sort of overlay that sound in your mind. For Heather, who didn't know how they used to harmonize, it was a bit harder. Graham Nash can still sing but he is really the only one. They all still play a mean guitar and I certainly appreciated that but the vocals? Let's just say you might want to stick with their C.D.s. But that isn't the point of this blog.

The point is that God is intimately involved in every aspect of our insignificant little lives. I doubt that it would have mattered if I went to that concert or not. It wasn't "life changing." But I was proud of myself for branching out just a little, I met some nice people, and Heather and I enjoyed the trip. Most importantly, I was reassured. If God cares enough to give me an aisle seat at a concert, why do I ever doubt that He will care for me during the trials of my life? He knows me intimately and loves me unconditionally. He blesses me just because He wants to and He is able. I have no idea what the future holds for me or for those I love. I certainly never expected to be single, for example. But nothing happens to us that is outside of God's sovereign will and I can count on that. I've got an aisle seat and God's on stage!!