Redefining Myself

It might seem odd but today I am reflecting on God's design for marriage and how it works for our good. I say odd because, well obviously, I no longer have a functioning marriage. I do, however, have a previous marriage to think about and while I may sometimes make jokes about all that I can do now that I am single, my desire has never been to be without my partner.

This month marks five years since my husband walked out. I am assuming that most people reading this blog already know the Lord so I am also assuming that we can agree that the primary thing that defines us as Christians is that we are a child of God. That is of utmost importance. But during our brief time on this earth, there are other defining moments that shape our futures and our lives. Marriage is definitely one of those moments and so is parenthood. When our status changes from "single" to "in a relationship" to "married", we begin to redefine ourselves. "I'm Paul's wife". Everyone knew what that meant. And later, "I'm Sarah's mom". These descriptions tell another person a little bit about me and what is important to me.

It is a natural thing for our identity as a parent to change as our children grow into adults. We (theoretically) step back and our relationships adjust as they become more independent of us. This is as it should be. But marriage? By God's design that was never supposed to end except by death. Our commitment to our spouse is a picture of our faithfulness to God and His to us.

This morning, I read a news article about a pastor (now former pastor) who chose to "Live a Year Without God" and blog about it. At the end of his 12 months he has concluded that he "no longer believes in God".

A Year Without God

Now personally, I think it is safe to say that this man never did believe in God. A true follower of Christ would never sacrifice a year of his life for the sake of experimentation. Or would they? We are often derailed by sinful practices but repentance and forgiveness is always an option for us. This man though, is now redefining himself as a non-believer. When he let go of his supposed faith and the title of "pastor",  he needed to replace it with something else. It appears that he is becoming the spokesperson for disenfranchised former "Christians". What does that have to do with me?

For many years I was a wife. It defined me. That wasn't a bad thing. Yes, my status as a follower of Christ was more important but God had called me to be a wife also and for a long time that was my work, my job, my ministry. As such, it provided structure and purpose in my day to day living as well as numerous opportunities to learn more about the character of God (His grace, forgiveness, patience, etc.) and then more opportunities to extend what I was learning to others. After all, you don't live with a person 24/7 without either learning patience or resorting to violence. Marriage is also a protected environment, or should be. I had a partner, a husband who was designed by God to love me and care for me and be loyal and faithful to me and he had that same thing in me.

Fast forward to today. I am no longer a wife though I still feel the loss of that part of me. I think I have been struggling to redefine myself but without an earthly anchor it's been hard. God is so patient with me though. Five years feels like a long time to me. I've often said that I think I should be further along in this whole process. But maybe I am looking at it with clouded vision. I know something about commitment. I was married for a very long time. I also know what it feels like to have that commitment end. As I have moved from simply reacting to the pain to a more balanced place of trust in God, I am realizing that my marriage has hammered home the concept of covenant. If I have suffered this much because of the loss of a husband, if the breaking of his covenant to me has caused this much pain - can I even imagine the pain of a person separated from God? Or can I imagine God's heartache when He is rejected by His creation?

I am secure in my position as His child. I know He will never walk out on me and He will NEVER be unfaithful. But I can still stray from Him. I can wallow in self-pity or give in to an addiction to avoidance or walk away from ministry and think only of myself. I can be unfaithful to God and suffer the consequences. However, because of the devastation caused by the dissolution of my marriage, I am terrified of letting that happen. I understand more fully what God meant by "the two shall become one". The oneness that I desire now is with the Lord. It should have always been that way and at times it was. In the busyness of life though we often are sidetracked a bit by the weight of responsibilities that clamor for our attention and edge out God. These responsibilities are most often God-given, i.e. a husband and children. It's just a struggle to keep our priorities in order. I have no excuse now other than the fact that an inherent pride often subtly keeps my mind on myself instead of focused on God.

So - now that I am no longer a wife - do I need to "redefine" myself? I think not. It isn't for me to do. God's purpose for me is to glorify Him, however He chooses to use me. I need to be willing to do and be whatever He desires. There is certainly freedom in that. I am His responsibility and not my own. But it's a little bit scary too. For my entire adult life I was a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I still am some of those things. Actually, I am still all of those things. But I am more. Above all, I am the daughter of the King and my desire is truly to serve and glorify Him, even though my worldly status has changed. I also need to be "less": Less about me, less about my marriage, even less about my family. The more I put God first the better mom, daughter, sister, friend I'll be anyway so it's a win-win for everyone! I am just Debbie, called by God to slog through this life in victory as His child. It's time for me to get back into the race.