Hope

I've been home sick for three days and done nothing but watch NCIS for hours at a time. As much as I am an NCIS fan, serious boredom has set in. Perhaps because of this, I have been looking through old pictures and looking back through the years, pondering the direction my life has taken. (That also may be because I am feeling my age these days.) I understand the concept of God using people and circumstances in our life to accomplish His purposes. Joseph's story in the Bible about how his brothers sold him only to have him save them from starvation is a classic example. I'm sure there have been countless times in my life when God has used people to somehow impact me; many times I am not even aware of it occurring.

I remember reconnecting with Paul when I was 19 or 20. We'd known each other for a few years but had gone to different high schools. I had been dating a very nice young man (now a nice older man) for a few years but he was not a Christian. I was, but I was a nominal one and it hadn't taken much for me to slide away from the church, Christian friends, etc. And then Paul and I started dating and his life revolved around "Jesus music" and the church and ministry. It was part of his attraction. He had, I thought, what I had forgotten I wanted. Falling in love with him drew me back into a close-knit circle of fellowship that I hadn't even realized I missed. Eventually, I was drawn back to God Himself in addition to His people.

As I thought about this, I sort of began to question God. How was it that this man, who I believe was used by God to change the direction of my life, now haunted me by his absence? How did that make sense? During a long, sleepless night, I struggled to put the puzzle pieces of my life together. I wasn't doubting God and it wasn't a demanding, arrogant questioning of Him. Just a wondering...about His ways, His times, His methods.

As the sun rose, I realized that 40 some years ago, Paul was used in my life in the precise manner that God meant for him to be used. And though I know that God intended marriage to last until death, human sin had torn mine apart. It occurred to me that God was, once again, using Paul to draw me back to Him. Paul's disappearance from my world was way beyond me and I had been laid low. So low that I was able to peek under the wall of my own pride and independence, grab hold of the "hem of His robe" and hang on for dear life. I really could do nothing else. I was powerless in the face of my sorrow.

It seemed ironic to me. Here was my life in a nutshell: Meet the boy, fall in love with the boy, fall back in love with God, move along for years with only a few bumps in the road with the boy by my side, then suddenly boy is gone and I grab the hand of the One who has been there all along.

Perhaps I should write Paul a thank you note for leaving me! Just kidding. Nothing justifies sin, his or mine and we are all sinners in need of grace. But maybe this little tiny tidbit of insight will give me a different perspective. Instead of looking at him as the villain in my story, maybe I just need to see him as another fallen, sinful, broken individual. No different from myself, an instrument in God's hands. Our paths crossed for a while and then, painfully, separated again. My focus needs to be on the One who designed my path. If it is, I won't lose faith when things get dark, dangerous, or depressing.

As a mom, I learned long ago that there is nothing like a child to bring you to your knees. Like alien soldiers, children are relentless warriors - capable of breaking down the walls of the most fortified parent. Seriously, how do any of us survive it? Why should a husband be any different? The Bible tells us to expect trouble and suffering. But I, for one, expected it from without, not from within! Yet the greatest pain comes through those we love the most - just as it did for Christ when He was murdered by those He had come to save.

This month marks the 5 year anniversary of Paul leaving. God has been so patient with me. I don't take pleasure in the dissolution of my marriage. But I do rejoice in His faithfulness, in His sovereignty, in His holiness. Five years ago, all I saw was a deep pit of despair, but even then, I knew it wouldn't last forever. Don't misunderstand me - I'm not so holy. I can't honestly say as Paul did (Paul in the Bible, you know, not the other one ☺), "I rejoice in my sufferings...". But I can say with confidence that God continues to gently turn my face toward Him and I can't deny that I see God a little more clearly today because of my invisible husband. Who am I to question the ways of God? Sad about it? Yes. Lonely and afraid? Sometimes. Struggling? Not always. Content? Mostly. A work in progress? Amen!! I don't have to understand why God does what He does and allows what He allows. I just have to know that there is no wrong in Him, no misguided intentions, no mistakes, no sin. In Him and Him alone is my hope. I'm so grateful.

5 “It is God who removes the mountains, they know not how,
When He overturns them in His anger;
6 Who shakes the earth out of its place,
And its pillars tremble;
7 Who commands the sun not to shine,
And sets a seal upon the stars;
8 Who alone stretches out the heavens
And tramples down the waves of the sea;
9 Who makes the Bear, Orion and the Pleiades,
And the chambers of the south;
10 Who does great things, unfathomable,
And wondrous works without number.
11 “Were He to pass by me, I would not see Him;
Were He to move past me, I would not perceive Him.
12 “Were He to snatch away, who could restrain Him?
Who could say to Him, ‘What are You doing?’  (Job 9:5-12)


Who indeed! Enough deep thoughts for one day. Right now, I'm hoping I sleep tonight!