A New Year

I never make New Year's resolutions. In my mind, that is a recipe for disaster and a sure fail. But if ever there was a year that needed something new, it's 2012. New habits, new perspective, new thoughts, new adventures. So I have some plans rambling around inside my head. I don't really want to voice them for fear I'll immediately realize my inability to carry out those plans but somehow, I must make some progress this year.

For example, how long can I continue to pretend that it is Paul's fault that I am eating chips and drinking wine at 10:00 at night? It's been two years this month since he left. I mean, really, it worked for a long time and justifiably so. What else could I have done but stuffed myself at all hours? But enough! So, I very timidly tell you that I have a "Healthy Eating Plan". I say "timidly" because I am so uncertain that any discipline or self-control will be summoned. I haven't exhibited moderation for a very long time. I don't mean that I get drunk or eat to the point of regurgitation. But I have been doing whatever I want, whenever I want, regardless of the fact that it is undoubtedly not good for me. I suppose I have felt "entitled". I've read that some women lose their appetites when their husbands bail. Why not me? At least I would have gotten something out of this deal gone bad. Oh well. I've got to work with what I've got and what I've got right now is a life that lacks self-control. I'd like to say otherwise. I crack jokes about it all the time. Truthfully, it's not funny anymore nor is it enjoyable. Well, maybe it's a little enjoyable but you know what I mean. When you do something all the time, it loses its specialness and ceases to be a party. If I'm going to sit in bed with a bag of Rollos, I WANT TO ENJOY THEM!! And then, of course, there is the guilt. There is nothing like a Rollo hangover laced with guilt to bring you down.

No New Year's plan would be complete without the mention of exercise. While I have eaten with abandon I have restrained myself from exercising. It's been tough but I wanted to make a statement. Not! If you know me at all, you know that I absolutely hate to exercise. I'm not sure what to do about this. Right now, Melissa has signed on as my personal trainer. (This might be a case of "the blind leading the blind".) She loves to dance and she got that Dance Party game for her Wii for Christmas. Our plan is to try to do that a few times a week. I can't dance, I've got no rhythm, and I think I'm going to have a heart attack before a song is even half over. I guess I could hope for that. If I had a heart attack I wouldn't have to worry about the exercise or the darn "healthy eating plan". Anyway, I have been mourning the fact that I am turning 60 this year for many months now so I need to shut up about it and figure that exercise might have a positive effect on this aging bod. It'd be a miracle but one can always dream.

I have some other plans. I want to pray more and complain less. I want to do more Bible Study and watch less HGTV. I want to organize my closets and stop spending needlessly. I want to shave my legs more often and quit biting my fingernails. I want to entertain some and enjoy family and friends and quit moaning about what's missing. I want to embrace contentment and nag less. I suppose I could go on and on but I don't want to be disappointed. More than that, I don't want to disappoint God. I want to be "good" for Him but I don't want to make it all about my "goodness". I want my life to be a relationship with Him and realize that, in the end, He may not actually care how many Rollos I eat. I want to recognize that He cares about me but my focus must be on Him.  He longs to spend time with me but it's so that I can come to know Him. So...lots of plans for 2012. For right now, I'm going to pick up all the Rollo wrappers from the floor next to my bed and go eat a grapefruit.  And then I'm going to take it a moment at a time.

By the way, that part about shaving my legs more often and not biting my fingernails? Never gonna happen!