I've had a semi-migraine for three days so since today was my day off, I decided to cry "Uncle" and take a sick day. I lounged around, puttered on the computer, watched Judge Judy, and then worked on my Bible Study lesson. Our study is on the sovereignty of God and it's a tough one. This week the study deals with His sovereignty over nations.
I spent some time on the lesson and then moved out to the kitchen for a snack. It was dusk so I decided to splurge and make a pomegranate margarita, my new fav. I went out front and relaxed on the swing. It was a great sunset, I was surrounded by hummingbirds, peace and quiet, and I began to reflect on the study. Here I was - not feeling well. But I was warm, well fed, had plenty of Advil at my disposal, beauty all around me, medical care if I needed it. I planned to go in the hot tub later and then get in my very comfortable bed and watch T.V.
I was a bit lonely. On a beautiful night like tonight it would be nice to share it with someone. I should have been at a wedding but since it was a young man that both Paul and I had been close to, I bowed out. Just too awkward. I was also feeling fearful tonight. I realized that anytime I feel a bit off, I start to worry. I haven't been the healthiest these last couple of years and my biggest fear is that I will get Parkinson's like my mom did. So...
How does the sovereignty of God play into this? First of all, I know that I am not supposed to worry or be anxious or be fearful. I thought about the verses in the Bible that I'd read earlier. I thought about God's control over authority, rulers, nations, and men. Here I was, whimpering about a future possible unknown, uncertain illness while thousands suffer under hideous conditions. I saw a picture on Yahoo of a nine year old girl who was mourning her mother's death due to Ebola. No one could come near her to comfort her because she was likely infected as well. And here I sat - crying into my margarita while I watched the sun go down. Shame on me!
I took some time to pray as I walked around my hilltop. I confessed my fears to God and asked His forgiveness. I was ashamed of many things. I expressed to Him that I truly did want to live for Him and glorify Him, no matter what that entailed. I have no clue what my future holds. But if I begin to doubt God during difficult times, the entire fabric of my faith will begin to unravel. It's all or nothing. Either I can trust Him 100% or not at all. It's my choice to make and my stand to take. He is completely reliable. I am the weak one. He is completely in control. I am the one who only thinks I have some control. He is the One who sees the whole picture, for His glory. I only see a small fraction. He is God. I am not. That's the bottom line.
Am I lonely sometimes? Yes. Do I hurt sometimes? Yes. Am I blessed? All the time!! Could I do better on my own? Absolutely not! I don't think I will ever understand exactly how God's sovereignty works. How does it make sense that He allowed a Hitler? Not for me to know. If He is who He says He is, and if I truly put my faith in Him, then my life is simple. Go with it. Let God do His work in me and make the choice to obey Him and praise Him no matter what. It's a relief in a lot of ways. I don't have to worry about the future. I don't have to feel fearful. Do I want to be single? No. Do I want to get Parkinson's? Of course not. But I am and I could. It's all in God's hands. Can I leave my life there? I'm trying...one day at a time. And I won't regret it!
