I have been home sick for a week now and I am not a good patient. Watching hours of mindless T.V., cruising Pinterest and Facebook, or watching old movies can only occupy me for so long. I've been going out of my mind with boredom. Last night, I was so desperate that I found myself watching "The World's Worst Tattoos". That was a low moment. Anyway, I have also been reading whenever I felt like it but I have been reading my standard trashy murder mystery/detective stories. I decided, yesterday, that I might benefit from reading something a little more challenging and uplifting. A friend recommended that I read, "Same Kind of Different As Me". I had actually bought the book a long time ago but had never read it. Seemed like a perfect idea so I jumped right in and started the book. It was immediately captivating and I was enjoying it immensely. It's the story of a rich white guy and a homeless black man who are brought together by the white guy's wife (who is an amazing woman). Things were going along great, I was into the book, it was taking my mind off my confinement, and I was learning some stuff too. All good, right? Well, then I came to the part in the book where the white guy had an affair with a 19 year old woman. He confessed, under duress, and his wife called the girl, told her she forgave her and didn't blame her, and then told her husband that she forgave him and she'd commit to saving the marriage. I set the book aside.
Still determined to not resort to violence in my literary endeavors, I switched to Joyce Langdorf's, "Mourning Song". This is a book about grief. Now you might think this an odd choice for me to turn to after abandoning the previous book. But I had been wanting to read it again because I was curious about exactly where I might be in the process of grieving for my marriage. Two things struck me as I skimmed through the book. The first thing was that Joyce Langdorf was so dedicated to her mother during the process of her death. I immediately began to have doubts and regrets about how I had handled things during my mom's protracted illness and dying. Secondly, regarding my marriage (actually, the lack of a marriage), I had thought I had reached the "acceptance" stage but as I read, it began to look more like I was in the stage that usually preceded acceptance and that was labeled..."depression". I set the book aside.
Now, I could spend a lot of time explaining the differences in how my husband responded to his infidelity, what I experienced and felt during my mom's dying, etc. And now would be a good time for some profound insight that God gave me. In fact, after setting the second book aside, I literally turned to God and said, "Lord! What? What are You telling me?" The truth of the matter is that I got nothing! I went back to the first book today and finished it. It is a really good book and I would recommend it. I'm still not sure what God is saying to me. I do have a few tentative thoughts though.
I'm very up and down. Sometimes I seem really tuned into God and other times I don't seem to hear Him at all. How much I hear Him, or, better yet, how well I listen to Him, is affected by how regularly I talk to Him, read His Word, etc. Duh...I mean that should be a given and at 60 years of age, I know that. However, I'm still irregular in my communication with Him. Secondly, I may not know what He is trying to tell me today, but I will. And I'm confident of that. I didn't used to feel that way but I know He'll never leave me completely in the dark. My life here on earth seems to be on a "need to know" basis and I need to be O.K. with that. In fact, I actually feel almost excited. I feel like I'm on the cusp of discovering something - maybe just a small little truth - but a truth nonetheless, that will move me forward a bit. I've been in a "dry" spot. I thought I was accepting my new "single" status because I wasn't crying anymore about you-know-who but honestly, I think I've just been temporarily shut down. Maybe that's why I zeroed in on "depression" in the second book. Joyce Langdorf talks about the "apathy of grief". I think that's a good description of what I've been feeling. Apathy. I have loved and cared deeply and now I'm tired. But as I'm pondering all this, I think, "that's o.k.". It's all a process and I'm getting there. I'm honestly not discouraged. I have no idea what my future holds and I totally know that I need to get much less "irregular" about spending time with God. I say that I know He hasn't abandoned me. I say that I know He's in charge. I say that I trust Him. I say that I'm not angry with Him. I need to put my money where my mouth is. And maybe that's my message for today.
While I think about that, I'm going back to my murder mystery...
Friday, June 22, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
I Sing Because I'm Free
I drove over to Cambria today for a massage. What a treat! I found Rhoda here,
http://cambriadayspa.com/massage/ ,
shortly after my mom had died. I had a few days off and I spent them at a little motel on Moonstone Beach and took a chance and booked a massage with her after finding her online. She is fabulous! At the time, I was driving over to Cambria about once a month or so to see a counselor. I began to make a day of it. I would go to my counseling appointment, get a massage, and then sit at the beach and ponder life. Talk about a day of therapy! Anyway, this blog isn't really about a massage. But though I no longer go over to the coast for counseling (which, by the way, was with an awesome professional who now believes I'm healthy ☺ ), I have managed to occasionally continue the massage routine. It takes me about 45 minutes from my house to drive over and I tend to listen to praise music and pray most of the way. It has become a time for me to focus on the Lord in ways that I seem to struggle with when I'm at home. I wasn't feeling the greatest today because I had stayed up until 3:00 a.m. helping Melissa with a project and I'm a bit too old for that sort of thing. Nevertheless, I was looking forward to the afternoon.
As I drove and prayed, I was specifically asking the Lord for His joy. I have been realizing that if I truly grasped His enormous sacrifice and the gift of His grace I would be loudly rejoicing and singing His praises, no matter what the circumstances of life. He knows all the hurts of the past few years so today I didn't bore Him with my list of offenses. Instead, I looked more inward, at the sin that is so entrenched in my own heart. He gently revealed to me that even when I am praying, my motives are often so completely self-centered and sometimes an attempt at manipulation. (As if I could manipulate the Creator!) As I confessed sin to Him, I began to try to imagine what it might feel like to be completely rid of the burden of sin. Right about that time, the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow" began to play.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOm2mMusqUw
I was so struck by the words, especially as I heard,
"So I sing because I'm happy. And I sing because I'm free!"
I had asked God to speak to me on the drive over and wouldn't you know it! He did. I am free from the burden of sin. God has forgiven me and Christ paid my ransom. I can beat myself up about my sin all the time but it won't change the fact that God chose me and I am His! And someday, I won't sin anymore. That will be so awesome. Unimaginable, really. I spent the rest of the drive just reflecting on God's goodness to me and singing along to my C.D. Also, I figure in heaven, I'll be able to carry a tune!
God wasn't done talking to me, though. I might be weird, but when I'm lying on the massage table, I think some pretty deep thoughts and I also do some praying. It takes me probably half an hour to actually relax and turn my mind off. Anyway, as I mentioned, I wasn't feeling too great. I was praying that God would enable me to relax enough to enjoy what I had paid for and I found myself thinking about our physical bodies. Let's face it - when you are naked, face down on a table, and your clothes are out of reach, there is a lot to think about. Seriously, though, I began to think about Jesus and his physical body. I seem to avoid remembering that while He was on earth, He had physical and emotional constraints just like me. He hurt and felt sorrow, I knew that. But then I found myself wondering if He felt embarrassment or humiliation. Did He cringe inside as He was led to His crucifixtion? Was He ashamed of His nakedness when He was hung on the cross? On a less significant scale, did He ever wonder when the next bush was going to appear because He had to go to the bathroom? I don't mean to sound irreverent. Not at all! I just don't slow down enough to contemplate some of these mysteries. For those moments, as I considered these things, Christ assured me, in a new way, that He definitely knows my struggles - my physical limitations (as you know, I have entered my 60's and I am going kicking and screaming) and He also understands all my emotional dilemmas. I am not alone! Finally, I relaxed, with a smile on my face, as I rested in the knowledge that God had been waiting for me. I just needed to listen. I returned home, rejuvenated in body and spirit. And I sang, because I'm free!!
http://cambriadayspa.com/massage/ ,
shortly after my mom had died. I had a few days off and I spent them at a little motel on Moonstone Beach and took a chance and booked a massage with her after finding her online. She is fabulous! At the time, I was driving over to Cambria about once a month or so to see a counselor. I began to make a day of it. I would go to my counseling appointment, get a massage, and then sit at the beach and ponder life. Talk about a day of therapy! Anyway, this blog isn't really about a massage. But though I no longer go over to the coast for counseling (which, by the way, was with an awesome professional who now believes I'm healthy ☺ ), I have managed to occasionally continue the massage routine. It takes me about 45 minutes from my house to drive over and I tend to listen to praise music and pray most of the way. It has become a time for me to focus on the Lord in ways that I seem to struggle with when I'm at home. I wasn't feeling the greatest today because I had stayed up until 3:00 a.m. helping Melissa with a project and I'm a bit too old for that sort of thing. Nevertheless, I was looking forward to the afternoon.
As I drove and prayed, I was specifically asking the Lord for His joy. I have been realizing that if I truly grasped His enormous sacrifice and the gift of His grace I would be loudly rejoicing and singing His praises, no matter what the circumstances of life. He knows all the hurts of the past few years so today I didn't bore Him with my list of offenses. Instead, I looked more inward, at the sin that is so entrenched in my own heart. He gently revealed to me that even when I am praying, my motives are often so completely self-centered and sometimes an attempt at manipulation. (As if I could manipulate the Creator!) As I confessed sin to Him, I began to try to imagine what it might feel like to be completely rid of the burden of sin. Right about that time, the song "His Eye Is On The Sparrow" began to play.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOm2mMusqUw
I was so struck by the words, especially as I heard,
"So I sing because I'm happy. And I sing because I'm free!"
I had asked God to speak to me on the drive over and wouldn't you know it! He did. I am free from the burden of sin. God has forgiven me and Christ paid my ransom. I can beat myself up about my sin all the time but it won't change the fact that God chose me and I am His! And someday, I won't sin anymore. That will be so awesome. Unimaginable, really. I spent the rest of the drive just reflecting on God's goodness to me and singing along to my C.D. Also, I figure in heaven, I'll be able to carry a tune!
God wasn't done talking to me, though. I might be weird, but when I'm lying on the massage table, I think some pretty deep thoughts and I also do some praying. It takes me probably half an hour to actually relax and turn my mind off. Anyway, as I mentioned, I wasn't feeling too great. I was praying that God would enable me to relax enough to enjoy what I had paid for and I found myself thinking about our physical bodies. Let's face it - when you are naked, face down on a table, and your clothes are out of reach, there is a lot to think about. Seriously, though, I began to think about Jesus and his physical body. I seem to avoid remembering that while He was on earth, He had physical and emotional constraints just like me. He hurt and felt sorrow, I knew that. But then I found myself wondering if He felt embarrassment or humiliation. Did He cringe inside as He was led to His crucifixtion? Was He ashamed of His nakedness when He was hung on the cross? On a less significant scale, did He ever wonder when the next bush was going to appear because He had to go to the bathroom? I don't mean to sound irreverent. Not at all! I just don't slow down enough to contemplate some of these mysteries. For those moments, as I considered these things, Christ assured me, in a new way, that He definitely knows my struggles - my physical limitations (as you know, I have entered my 60's and I am going kicking and screaming) and He also understands all my emotional dilemmas. I am not alone! Finally, I relaxed, with a smile on my face, as I rested in the knowledge that God had been waiting for me. I just needed to listen. I returned home, rejuvenated in body and spirit. And I sang, because I'm free!!
Matthew 11:28-30
New International Version (NIV)
28 “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
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