Fuses

A couple of weeks ago, Melissa and I traveled down to Yucaipa for a baby shower for my niece. We took the Camry that my dad had recently handed down to me.

http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2013/04/another-car-story.html

It was a really long trip but Melissa is good company and we had a lot of fun. Anyway, the Camry enabled us to have a GPS plugged into one power outlet and a phone recharging on the other power outlet, a luxury that my Buick hadn't had. Everything worked great. But then, the next weekend, I plugged in my phone and realized that I was getting no power. I tried the other outlet - nothing. I was bummed. I mean, I've got to be able to have constant available power for all these gadgets, right? The car was going to be going into the shop soon for routine servicing but rather than depend on someone else I decided to break down and read the car manual and see if I could figure it out.

After a bit of studying, I came to the conclusion that it must be a fuse. I set about attempting to find and replace the damaged fuses. I was impressed to read in the manual that some extra fuses were provided. How convenient! And, there was even a little plastic fuse-getter-outer to use to try and grab those little suckers. My fat, stubby fingers didn't do so well with that, though, so I resorted to using needle nose pliers to remove the fuses. My first attempt, however, didn't produce any results. I realized that there were several fuse locations. I wasn't reading the manual carefully enough and the first fuse I replaced went to, well, I don't know what it went to. It just didn't fix my power outlets. I tried again and realized that I was in the totally wrong fuse area. I was trying to replace fuses that were in the fuse box under the hood when I needed to be replacing fuses located under my dashboard. O.K. Got it. I eventually figured out which fuses needed to be replaced, and voila! I had power again. I was so proud of myself! In fact, I was feeling so cocky that I even posted it on Facebook, like it was some miraculous accomplishment. I mean, I was really proud...

Now if you look at the picture in the following link, you will see the location of the spare fuses. This is an important detail that we will come back to later.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10200904439675596&l=33cb8b4dda

Several nights later I was out at Jenny's house visiting while Zac was working out of town. Melissa was there too and she walked me out when I got ready to head home. I started the car, turned on the headlights, and started to back out of Jen's driveway. Hmmm...I noticed that I had no headlights. Turned them off, then on again. Nope. Tried the high beams. Yea! I had high beams but still no low. I could have driven home with the high beams on all the way but I would have pissed off a few people.

It suddenly occurred to me that this just couldn't be coincidental. After all, I had been messing around with the fuses. Melissa thought I was crazy but I was determined to get to the bottom of this before I left Jenny's. So, once again, I got out the manual, my flashlight, and the fuse-getter-outer. Read the manual again. Turns out that I had grabbed fuses that were above the spares when I had done my fabulous repair job. Didn't read the diagram quite right. So...I had taken the low beam fuses from their proper position and put them in the spot for the power outlets. I could charge my phone but drive in the dark.

Back they went into their appropriate spots. I drove home happily and the next day I went to Wal-Mart and bought more fuses. Now my power outlets are once again working, as are my headlights, and I have extra fuses in my glove box. (It had turned out that I didn't have enough spares.)

The moral of this story? Does there need to be one? I still feel pretty good about getting it all fixed myself but I have to laugh about posting my good deed so early on Facebook. Ah, pride. Gets me every time.

Another Car Story

In case you haven't followed my previous car posts, you might want to get caught up first. You can look here,

http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-car.html

and here,

http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2012/04/birthday-tribute-to-my-dad.html.

And now, here is one more car story:

Thursday afternoon

Me:  "Good afternoon, Dr. Iversen's office. This is Debbie."

Man's voice:  "What time can you be at my house tomorrow to sign papers?"

Me:  "Dad?"

Dad:  "Yes. What time can you be at my house tomorrow?"

Me:  "What for?"

Dad:  "I'll tell you about it later. It has to do with my car. What time?"

Me:  "Dad! I'm at work. I can't talk about this right now. What have you done?"

Dad:  "Just give me a time."

Me:  "Oh, for heaven's sake. 2:00 p.m."

Dad:  "Great. I'll explain later. Bye."

I called my dad as soon as I got off work. He quickly explained that he had gone to San Luis that day and bought himself a car. Actually, another car! (See links to previous posts above.) I was speechless. My dad will be 87 in just a few weeks. He is a remarkable man and I admire him greatly. But I must say, in the last couple of years, he has gotten a bit impulsive. (For example, the inflatable kayak that showed up one day.) But this was the second car that he had bought, without a word to me, until after it was a done deal. He wanted me at his house the next day because the new car was being delivered. He puts everything in my name, as well as his these days, so my presence was required so that I could sign the DMV paperwork.

I wanted to get after him about his capriciousness but I couldn't. I knew why he had done it. I've been driving a very old Buick for quite a while. It has almost 200,000 miles on it, the driver's side window doesn't role down, the rear passenger door doesn't open from the inside, the driver's side headlight is duct-taped on, etc. He's been worrying about me, a poor, single, old, frail woman, driving alone in a questionable car. I knew what was coming.

Friday afternoon

"I want you to have my Camry. I'd feel better about that. Don't argue with me. Are you going to rob me of the joy I get in helping you out?"

Stab! Now I know where I get my ability to lay the guilt on my girls. I inherited it from him. What could I say? I'm a parent, too. The drive to care for our kids never really goes away. Wouldn't I do something similar for one of my daughters if I was able? About that time, the sales manager from the car dealership drove up in the new car, followed by one of his employees in another car. The new car is a bronze colored Honda of some sort, very nice looking, a couple of years old and only 12,000 miles on it.

While Dad was writing the check the sales manager said to me, "Where's your old Buick? This Camry will be a much better car for you." I looked at Dad and said, "What did you do? Tell him my life story?" I turned back to the salesman and said, "It's not that I'm not grateful. It's just that at 60, I'd sort of like to think I was a bit independent." He replied, "Oh, I imagine you're independent and probably a bit feisty!"

Feisty? Hmm, I gotta tell you honestly, just as an aside, that comment made my day. Anyway, as he was leaving I said, "Listen, the next time he shows up in your dealership, CALL ME FIRST!"

The business was concluded and I hugged my dad and told him how much I really did appreciate all he does for me. We then proceeded to admire his new car.

"I hope it at least has better visibility than your Camry. That has some pretty significant blind spots. Can you see out of it better?"

Long pause..."Well, I don't know." Another long pause..."I didn't test drive it."

I was stunned. "Does it have cruise control?"

Long pause..."Well, I don't know." Another long pause..."I didn't sit in it."

Who does that? Who buys a car on a whim just because it's a low mileage Honda? Who doesn't sit in the car or test drive it? And who gives away his perfectly good Camry?

My sweet, wonderful, loving, caring, humble father. Hasn't God blessed me?

The Race

Friday is my day off and I usually have an appointment or two in town that requires me to be presentable. I LOVE the Fridays where I get to stay home all day and be a slob. Today was one of those days. No appointments, the house reasonably clean, grocery shopping done, a day to sleep in...except I didn't. I woke up early and I was bummed about that. I am always operating on too little sleep and even when I do try, sleep is elusive. So when my eyes popped open before 7:30 a.m., I was not too happy. When by 8:00 a.m. I was still unable to go back to sleep, I decided that maybe today was a good opportunity to turn over a new leaf, at least for an hour or two. Why not get up and go for a walk/run up Peachy Canyon? Why not? Because I am a woman who hates exercise! Hates it!! However, I do tend to feel guilty about not exercising, and a walk up Peachy is pretty pleasant, especially when I have the time. O.K. I would do it. 

I staggered out of bed only to notice out the window that it was raining. Ah, shucks. There went my walk. I was up, though, so I decided to do some Bible Study. I got some coffee, turned on my electric blanket, and settled in. It was awesome just to relax, read the Bible, do my study, go off on rabbit trails about why the sons of Korah weren't destroyed (Numbers 16 and 26), and really take my time pondering the lesson. Eventually, I got up to start laundry and the dishwasher and realized that it was no longer raining. I figured I may as well get moving so I got dressed for a walk. I drove my car down to the bottom of the driveway where I left it. I'm no fool - I was going for a walk but I certainly had no intention of hoofing it back up my driveway. If you've been out to my house you understand why.

Anyway, off I went. There is a marker one mile up the road so on the rare occasion that I do go walking, I head for that marker and then turn around and come back and figure two miles is good enough. I tried to go at a pretty decent pace because I wanted this to count. After a while, when the road was level, I jogged (slowly) for short periods of time. Bear in mind that I am about as out of shape as I can be and I am also a bit old. I picked an object or spot some distance ahead of me, kept my eyes on that goal, and ran until I reached that spot. I don't like to breathe hard, I don't like to sweat, I don't like to get tired and winded. I have no stamina and really no discipline or determination to exercise. However, I found that by setting a goal and keeping my eyes on it, I was able to accomplish reaching that goal. 

I thought of Hebrews 12:1-3,

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

and also Philippians 3:13-14.

13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Definition of PERSEVERANCE: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition

It wasn't that easy for me but I was pleased to make it home and also glad that God brought to mind these verses as encouragement for me. I discovered that if I looked down, essentially taking my eyes off the prize (the prize being able to walk instead of run), I could not see the progress I was making. I could only see my steps right in front of me. I lost track of how far I had to go. It was only when I kept my eyes lifted up, fixed on my goal, that I was able to keep running and push myself to reach the spot and not give up. At one point, I chose to run towards a mailbox that I knew was up ahead but it was around the corner and unseen. But I knew it was there. I ran towards it and when I finally rounded the corner and could see the mailbox, I realized that it was a bit farther than I recalled. But I persevered because that was my goal and I made it.

I need to remember this as I plod through my days. I am headed for heaven, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I am definitely on my way! Eternal fellowship with Christ is my prize. It's easy for me to look down, to concentrate on all my struggles here on earth. My family is not unique - all families have troubles, concerns, tragedies, setbacks, sadness, disappointments, unfulfilled desires, and sickness. It's all part of living with the affects of sin. But we can make a choice to look up, to recognize that our goal and our prize is ahead of us. This life on earth, praise God, is not all there is. I forget to let God encourage me with this confidence and I get bogged down sometimes. I take my eyes off Him. The other thing I realized on my walk this morning is that I needed to keep going. When I got to the spots where I walked again instead of running, the temptation was to stop completely. I wanted to sit by the side of the road and wait for some stranger to drive by and take pity on me and drive me home. We don't get much traffic out this way, though, so I just kept moving. It didn't matter how slowly I went. The important thing was that I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, I caught my breath, and the walk was a little easier, and then I'd run a bit more. Isn't life like that too? God gives us breathers but we have to do our part. We have to keep going. It is keeping our eyes on Jesus that enables us to not grow weary or lose heart. Isn't God creative? I finally get myself my sorry self out the door for some exercise and He throws a spiritual challenge into the mix. 

And for that...I'm eternally grateful!

For Jenny

Tomorrow is Jenny's birthday. She is my second daughter. I remember how thrilled I was being a mother. Sarah, my first, filled my world. When I got pregnant with Jenny I was fearful. I couldn't imagine loving another child as much as I loved Sarah. I wondered how I could fit another one into my life without subtracting something from the first. But then sweet Jenny was born and I realized that as mothers, God gives us the capacity for unlimited love. Maybe it sounds silly now, to be afraid that I couldn't love enough, but I was a young mom and didn't know any better. All I wanted was to be the best wife and mother that I could be. Jenny was born  at 1:12 in the afternoon, 6 pounds, 9 ounces, 19 1/2 inches long, (yes, Jenny, I had to look that up ☺) with a full, uncontrollable head of hair. For months, her hair stuck straight up in a natural mohawk. When we took her out anywhere, that's all anyone commented on.

Her hair eventually settled down and she was a beautiful little girl. She was extremely shy and hated being the center of attention. For several years, she cried at her birthday parties or at Christmas when it was her turn to open presents. She would eventually relax but not while all eyes were on her.

Jenny developed a love for all animals. It started with Brandy, a half lab, half golden retriever, that we got when Jen was just a baby. She and Brandy were inseparable. In fact, the first year we had Brandy, every time I yelled at the puppy (because you know, puppies are a pain), Jenny would fall down crying because she thought I was yelling at her. Brandy lived a long and happy life. She made the move with us to Paso and lived to be 16 years old - the best dog we ever had.

Jenny managed to coax a stray cat home from the bus stop one day and convinced us to keep her. Snowball also lived a very long life and was so dear to Jen. Snowball was very patient - Jenny was known to put her in the basket of her two-wheeled bike and fly down the street with her.

Many other animals followed and all were loved. Jenny talked us into getting the infamous Dakota, a dog that was absolutely loyal but trouble from the get-go. Rabbits, turtles, and lots more cats filled our home and now  fill Jenny's own home.

Years flew by...

and then, she met the love of her life.

Jenny had trusted her life to Jesus when she was very young. And now, she knew that God had brought this young man, Zac Hanna, into her life. She met him while she was still in high school and they were working together at Big 5. They fell in love quickly and were engaged in 1999 and married June 17, 2000.

And the years continued to fly by. Seemingly, all of a sudden, my baby has four babies of her own! She is an amazing woman of God, wife, mother, teacher, seamstress, writer, photographer, gardener, homemaker, and now, not just my daughter, but my friend. I am so blessed by her! Happy Birthday, sweet Jenny! I love you so mush!*

*When Jenny was little, spelling was not her best subject. She wrote me many cards where she told me she, "loved me so mush."

Pride (or) My Husband Might Be Happier Without Me

Understand this - This is a positive post! My girls don't always get that and sometimes the things I write make them sad. (I'm so blessed by how much my four daughters care about me!) But for me, positive perspective and conviction usually come from painful reflection or realization. It's a process for me, one that feels like it has been very slow, a little like pulling a bandage off a tiny bit at a time. In the end, though, healing  can begin once the air hits that newly revealed skin.

I seem to go from one extreme to the other in terms of how I feel towards and relate to other people. I'm either a bit of a hard-ass and none too sensitive (my daughters have experienced far too much of this, sorry girls) or I feel so much compassion/pity/sympathy/whatever for someone that it clouds my judgement and inhibits me from really seeing them objectively. It is from this second viewpoint that I have often been looking at my ex and consequently, it has kept me in a state of confusion and conflict. I'm not saying that I shouldn't feel compassion for him. I mean, after all, he gave me up. Who wouldn't feel for him? ☺ He will always be the father of my children and he filled my whole adult life so there is no getting away from that. However, I have to learn a different way of living now and I've struggled with that.

My girls have told me, on a number of occasions, that they aren't convinced that he is that unhappy without any of us. I'll never believe that he's happier without much connection to his daughters or grandchildren but that, of course, is coming from my heart. But is he happier without me? There's the question. I haven't wanted really to even consider that possibility. And it doesn't matter if I wanted him back or not. It's the thought that maybe he is kicking himself for leaving me, bemoaning his miserable, lonely existence, missing what he had, begging God for resolution, etc. that has consoled me a bit. Consolation - weird word to use here, but fitting, I think. What is a consolation prize? It's a prize for someone who has already lost! A joke, really. A prize that says, "Here, you're a loser but thanks for trying." So I had lost my husband but have been hanging onto the thought that, at the very least, he regretted his actions. And I  believe he does have many regrets. But what if he isn't all that unhappy with the consequences of those actions?

Can I accept this idea? What if he didn't really want to be my husband and just didn't know how to get out of it? What if he is happier being on his own? What if, in his heart, he is too self-centered to sustain a viable relationship? I honestly don't know because we do not communicate and I don't want to assume or pretend to know what he is feeling or thinking. The important thing here is how this makes me feel.

When I began to consider, and then finally embrace, the idea that maybe he wasn't as miserable as I thought he should be, I got pretty down. I was surprised by how heavy that thought felt and struggled with discouragement and sadness. Normal, I believe, but still tough. I mean, if the man you committed your life to doesn't want you anymore, of course, you're going to feel like a piece of shit for a while. But then you move beyond that and I had. I knew that I hadn't been the perfect wife but I had at least gotten to the point where I also knew that the problems had to have gone so deep and it wasn't all about me. Nevertheless, to realize that he might not be thinking of me every single minute was somewhat of a revelation. (I know I should perhaps have  gotten to this point sooner but I'm slow that way.) And this week, after I worked through the depression of that insight, a new emotion emerged - FREEDOM!

That's right. It is a freeing thought. Don't get me wrong - there is still a lot of sadness. I never wanted my marriage to break up and will always live with that loss. But I've been so stuck and couldn't seem to let anything go. But now? Maybe he loved me, maybe not. Maybe he misses me, maybe not. Maybe he wishes he'd done things differently, maybe he never even ponders any of it. It doesn't have to matter to me anymore. It's done. While I'll always be connected to him, I don't have to let that strangle me. Sure, it hurts my pride to think that I didn't measure up, in his eyes. The Bible has so much to say about pride and none of it is good. It's definitely been a humbling experience since Paul left but I have clung to my pride, at times, like a lifeline. And it has been dragging me down, sinking me, overwhelming me - my connection to him defining me.

Hopefully, no longer. As God's child, I need to see my reflection in His eyes, not in the eyes of a human who rejected me. I'm no holier than Paul and I cannot expect him to be less sinful than me. I have worshiped him far too long! Thoughts of him have consumed me - that makes him an idol. He has crowded out the space that God should rightfully occupy. But truthfully, I've really been thinking mostly of myself and that is simple and sinful pride. What if it is true that Paul doesn't miss me that much? Does that make me any less in God's eyes? Praise God, no! So I'm working on hanging on to that lifeline! And God will never disappoint, fail, abandon, forget, or love me any less!

A.T. & T., Part 2

This is a short update to my previous post about my frustrating conversation with an A.T. & T. representative. If you need to get caught up, click
http://mostly-musing.blogspot.com/2013/02/hello-at-t.html.

Anyway, this particular rep was apparently quite efficient in his own way because not even four days after I had spoken with him, I got a letter in the mail from DIRECTV.

"Dear Paul Brown,

(Let me explain right here that the DIRECTV bill is the last remaining item that is in both our names and I will be rectifying that very soon.)

   Thank you for your recent order. You will begin receiving AT & T customer savings on your upcoming monthly statements. Here is your confirmation #... and the description of your order: 'request to opt-in to single bill with AT & T' for a bundled discount.

Sincerely,

DIRECTV"

Request? Single bill? Bundled? You have got to be kidding! If you read the last AT & T blog, you know that I did not request or order anything. So I called the 800 number on the back of the letter. I got DIRECTV so I told them that I never requested this "bundled offering".

Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am. You will have to call AT & T.

Seriously? You've got to be kidding! I was ticked off now. My poison oak had made me very cranky and I had no patience for AT & T. I called them.

Thank you for calling AT & T. How may I help you?

I got a confirmation letter today for a bundled discount with DIRECTV which I did not request or order. I DON'T want this offer.

Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am. Let me check into that for you. Oh, yes I see. It has been processed and approved.
(She sounded like I should be celebrating this fact.)

I don't want it.

Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am. Let me see if I can debundle this for you. Oh, it has been processed and approved.

I don't care. I don't want it. I didn't ask for it. I was so frustrated with the last AT & T rep that I wrote about him!

Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am. Let me see if I can debundle this for you.

Long pause.........

Still trying to debundle.

Long pause.........

O.K. ma'am. I have successfully debundled your order. Would you like a confirmation number?

Uh, YES! Thank you so much for your help. Did you register my complaint about the other rep?

Yes ma'am. We have his I.D. I have noted your dissatisfaction. Is there anything else I can do for you?

No, thanks. You've been very helpful. I won't write about you.

Thank you for calling AT & T.

One Day...

One day, I won't cry over you anymore.
One day, you'll be sorry.
One day, you'll look back and wonder.
One day, I won't.
One day, I'll thank God for what was.
One day, you'll thank Him too.
One day, you'll long for what you threw away.
One day, I'll look forward to what will be.
One day, I'll accept what's in the past.
One day, you'll wish you could do it all over.
One day, you'll let go of yourself.
One day, I'll let go of you, too.

One day...