Pride (or) My Husband Might Be Happier Without Me

Understand this - This is a positive post! My girls don't always get that and sometimes the things I write make them sad. (I'm so blessed by how much my four daughters care about me!) But for me, positive perspective and conviction usually come from painful reflection or realization. It's a process for me, one that feels like it has been very slow, a little like pulling a bandage off a tiny bit at a time. In the end, though, healing  can begin once the air hits that newly revealed skin.

I seem to go from one extreme to the other in terms of how I feel towards and relate to other people. I'm either a bit of a hard-ass and none too sensitive (my daughters have experienced far too much of this, sorry girls) or I feel so much compassion/pity/sympathy/whatever for someone that it clouds my judgement and inhibits me from really seeing them objectively. It is from this second viewpoint that I have often been looking at my ex and consequently, it has kept me in a state of confusion and conflict. I'm not saying that I shouldn't feel compassion for him. I mean, after all, he gave me up. Who wouldn't feel for him? ☺ He will always be the father of my children and he filled my whole adult life so there is no getting away from that. However, I have to learn a different way of living now and I've struggled with that.

My girls have told me, on a number of occasions, that they aren't convinced that he is that unhappy without any of us. I'll never believe that he's happier without much connection to his daughters or grandchildren but that, of course, is coming from my heart. But is he happier without me? There's the question. I haven't wanted really to even consider that possibility. And it doesn't matter if I wanted him back or not. It's the thought that maybe he is kicking himself for leaving me, bemoaning his miserable, lonely existence, missing what he had, begging God for resolution, etc. that has consoled me a bit. Consolation - weird word to use here, but fitting, I think. What is a consolation prize? It's a prize for someone who has already lost! A joke, really. A prize that says, "Here, you're a loser but thanks for trying." So I had lost my husband but have been hanging onto the thought that, at the very least, he regretted his actions. And I  believe he does have many regrets. But what if he isn't all that unhappy with the consequences of those actions?

Can I accept this idea? What if he didn't really want to be my husband and just didn't know how to get out of it? What if he is happier being on his own? What if, in his heart, he is too self-centered to sustain a viable relationship? I honestly don't know because we do not communicate and I don't want to assume or pretend to know what he is feeling or thinking. The important thing here is how this makes me feel.

When I began to consider, and then finally embrace, the idea that maybe he wasn't as miserable as I thought he should be, I got pretty down. I was surprised by how heavy that thought felt and struggled with discouragement and sadness. Normal, I believe, but still tough. I mean, if the man you committed your life to doesn't want you anymore, of course, you're going to feel like a piece of shit for a while. But then you move beyond that and I had. I knew that I hadn't been the perfect wife but I had at least gotten to the point where I also knew that the problems had to have gone so deep and it wasn't all about me. Nevertheless, to realize that he might not be thinking of me every single minute was somewhat of a revelation. (I know I should perhaps have  gotten to this point sooner but I'm slow that way.) And this week, after I worked through the depression of that insight, a new emotion emerged - FREEDOM!

That's right. It is a freeing thought. Don't get me wrong - there is still a lot of sadness. I never wanted my marriage to break up and will always live with that loss. But I've been so stuck and couldn't seem to let anything go. But now? Maybe he loved me, maybe not. Maybe he misses me, maybe not. Maybe he wishes he'd done things differently, maybe he never even ponders any of it. It doesn't have to matter to me anymore. It's done. While I'll always be connected to him, I don't have to let that strangle me. Sure, it hurts my pride to think that I didn't measure up, in his eyes. The Bible has so much to say about pride and none of it is good. It's definitely been a humbling experience since Paul left but I have clung to my pride, at times, like a lifeline. And it has been dragging me down, sinking me, overwhelming me - my connection to him defining me.

Hopefully, no longer. As God's child, I need to see my reflection in His eyes, not in the eyes of a human who rejected me. I'm no holier than Paul and I cannot expect him to be less sinful than me. I have worshiped him far too long! Thoughts of him have consumed me - that makes him an idol. He has crowded out the space that God should rightfully occupy. But truthfully, I've really been thinking mostly of myself and that is simple and sinful pride. What if it is true that Paul doesn't miss me that much? Does that make me any less in God's eyes? Praise God, no! So I'm working on hanging on to that lifeline! And God will never disappoint, fail, abandon, forget, or love me any less!