Waking too early

Those who know me, even a little bit, know that I am NOT a morning person. I have struggled for years with the whole getting up process and would much rather be awake at 1 a.m. than at 6 a.m. So, yesterday, God woke me up at 4:15 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep. It was a work day so I finally decided to stay up and do a little Bible Study of some sort. Many loved ones and their situations seemed to be really heavy on my heart. I read some in the Bible, then read a little in a devotional. I had been feeling frustrated, knowing that God wanted more from me and yet, never feeling like I "did anything right" or that I had a clear sense anymore of what God wanted from me. I was obsessing over things that don't matter, like my weight and losing sight of the Lord. The devotional began to address that because it was talking about all the things we crave instead of God. As I read it, I remember thinking, "This is just what I needed!" Funny how God does that. Still sleepless, I decided to listen to an Andy Stanley sermon called "Asking Big". My sweet Tammera had sent it to me a very long time ago and I am ashamed to say that I had not taken the time to listen to it. As he talked about prayer, I realized that I had given up praying about many things, big things, heartbreaking things. While I completely believe that our God is a God of miracles, I had let my sadness over these situations and my heartbreak for the people involved discourage me from continuing to pray for them. My inability to do anything about another person's problems had kept me from the One who is capable of doing everything about their problems. How pompous of me!! I hadn't seen the lie for what it was. I thought I was burdened, weighed down for those I love, so much so that I couldn't pray any longer. But if I am truly burdened for them, I should be able to do nothing but pray. And pray. And pray. And pray!! The sermon challenged and convicted me. I also felt a little bit of excitement because I knew, without a doubt, that God had woken me for a purpose and that He was speaking to me. Last night at Bible Study, I listened as other women shared their own heartbreaks. We live in such a fallen, corrupt world but we have the hope! My fear now is that I won't pay enough attention to all that God has rattling around in my head right now and that I'll go back to old ways. I probably will, at times. But I also know that God lovingly tapped me on the shoulder yesterday morning, EARLY, and said, "Debbie, it's time. Time for you to get up and move on. Time for you to put some effort, some enthusiasm, some muscle, some desperation even, into your prayers. And time to listen better to Me." God has been so patient with me. I've spent several years now moping around in my own muck. My prayer today is, "Lord, let me be teachable. Give me ears to hear You better and a heart to obey." And if He has to wake me more often at four in the morning, so be it. Bring it on!

Profound Truths from "That 70's Show"

So don't mock me, but lately, I've been zoning out at night watching re-runs of the old classic, "That 70's Show". You know, I never realized how much truth was contained in those episodes. I mean, you do have to ignore the fact that all the kids want to do is get stoned or have sex. But beyond that? Well, there is an occasional nugget of wisdom.  For example...

I'm sure we've all known and even loved someone who just doesn't seem to have much to give. Their focus is always on themselves, though sometimes they can hide it pretty well, often for a very long time. Then, seemingly all of a sudden, lives are broken apart because they just can't keep it together any longer. The rest of us struggle to understand what happened.

Self-esteem:

"I figured it out. I know who I love the best. I love myself! I love myself the best! If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would!"  (Jackie)

I'm convinced that the hardest job in the world is raising kids. I did my best but it certainly wasn't always good enough. Kitty was the loving nurturer and Red was the hard ass but between them they opened their home to numerous teenagers trying to find their way and tag-teamed them to get them through. That's what I want for my own kids - to be moms and dads that work together, appreciating the differences that men and women bring to the parenting table and also always having room for someone else's kid.

Parenting:

"Are you trying to kill me? You're killing me. You know that? You're killing your mother. You only get one, you know."  (Kitty)

"How about a job stating the obvious because you're getting really good at that!"  (Red)

"Honey, I'm sorry if I smothered you. That's just what a mother does. But I've accepted that you're leaving and I'm ready to let you go."  (Kitty)

Eric sort of represents the sinner we all are. He tried hard, sometimes succeeded, often failed. He got down on himself a lot and always attempted to live his life using his own limited strength and know-how. He waited until he was desperate before he turned to anyone else for help. I'm embarrassed to say that is too often my approach and I leave God out of the equation until He graciously brings me to my knees.

Human Nature:

"I ruined it. And I knew I was ruining while I was ruining it. I just kept on ruining it."  (Eric)

"Bad things happen because I am stupid!"  (Eric)

It seems that throughout our lives we will be engaged in a strange dance with other people, trying to get along, understand each other, work and/or live together, and attain peace in our personal lives. It is fascinating to me to watch the people around me as they two-step their way through their day. However, it isn't so fascinating when it involves me. There are times when I feel pretty good about how I relate to others. And then there are the times when I am an idiot and there's nothing more to be said about it. No matter how you slice it, relationships take work.   

Relationships:

"You don't cut open the sausage. You just eat it."  (Hyde)

"But I love you, Donna." "I love you, too, Eric. But it's not enough." (Donna & Eric)

"Well, you know I love my family. It's just some times I want to get in the car and run 'em all over."  (Kitty)

We really are an entitled bunch and so often have the attitude that pain and suffering or inconvenience should not come to us. When my husband left, I was dumbfounded with disbelief and I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to twist away from that hurt. The reality is that we live in a world corrupted by sin and that is going to color our lives until we are reunited with Christ. Instead of stamping my feet and demanding to know why something has happened, I need to buckle down, deal with the situation, and look for what God will teach me through it. I also need to be grateful that though difficulties are all around us, I am NEVER alone. God walks right there next to me. 

Reality:

"You know what I got for my 18th birthday? A draft notice and a malaria vaccine. I never had time to think." (Red)

Honestly, I've struggled with boundaries. I am a people-pleaser and a peacemaker. I don't want anyone mad at me or disappointed in me. I usually try to do what people want me to do even if I don't have time or if I resent what they are asking of me. Often, I have not stood up for myself when I should have. It's something that I'm working on and something that I wish I had learned a long time ago.

Appropriate Boundaries:

"I can't touch an egg."
"Why not?"
"Because it came out of a chicken butt!"   (Jackie & Kitty)

I like to think that I am a fairly straightforward person, blunt even, but honest. So I always appreciated Hyde's approach. The only thing is, in my quest for honesty, I have frequently hurt someone's feelings and that's no good. I swing from one extreme to the other, blurting out something that is really how I feel to swallowing thoughts in order not to offend. Balance in life is tough. The Bible has much to say about our words and about truth. I need to study that more!!

Honesty:

"Well, I don't really have a speech prepared, but ... thanks for sucking."  (Hyde)

I don't have anything profound to say about food. I want to eat or drink whatever I want, whenever I want, and I want to weigh 120 pounds while doing it. Whatever...

Healthy Eating:

"Kitty, this isn't food. This is what food eats!" (Red)

I hate to admit it but, though I love Kitty's character on the show, I realize that I have a way about me that is similar to Red's. I want to encourage my kids, I try to encourage my kids, but in the end, I too often deliver the message in a backhanded way that makes them feel bad, or leaves them conflicted about what I'm saying. I've always got a "but..." or a "here's an idea..." or a "maybe you could have done this..." . Why can't I just say "good job" or "keep it up" or "I'm so proud of you" or "I'll pray for you" and then leave it at that? I am of the misguided opinion that the world is just waiting for my words of wisdom and that thriving in this world depends on me! It's foolishness on my part and another thing to work on.

Encouragement:

"I've got to admit, Eric. I had my doubts. But hell, you've hardly embarrassed me." (Red)

Lastly, at least for now, is the recognition that we are all in need of some serious rehabilitation. Thankfully, God is patient with us. He gently points out our faults and guides us in His way. We need to recognize His hand and trust that His way is the best way to go.

Sin:

"I can't believe any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames."  (Kitty)

Negative Thoughts

I've gotten into a bad habit lately. (Well, actually, I've developed quite a few bad habits over the last few years and those bad habits have led to the one that I am pondering today.) My very first thought, each morning, the second I awaken, is "How bad was I last night?" And then my mind replays the evening. How many hours did I waste watching mindless T.V.? Or how long did I do absolutely nothing on the computer? How bad did I overeat? Did I have wine with dinner? How many hours of much needed sleep did I miss out on because I refused to turn out the light and go to bed? Seriously, this scenario plays out every single morning. It's an assessment of my behavior, a scorecard in a way. I am not a morning person. If I could have a job where I didn't have to be at work until noon, I'd be a happy camper. So when morning is already a foreign time zone and I am already suffering from jet lag, to wake up to these sorts of thoughts just adds insult to injury.

Now, the truth is that I do usually do all those things. I especially overeat and stay up way too late. And I am paying for it physically. Every morning, when I tally up my failures, I end up feeling like I am such a disappointment to God. But this whole cycle frustrates me. I know that God doesn't want me to allow all His joy to be sucked out of me. I know He doesn't love me any less because I have gained weight. But I also know that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and I can't get me none of that!! I'm so tired of this constant self degradation. I could have been one of those super religious people long ago that went around beating on themselves.

So how do I find a balance? How do I live in the freedom of my position in Christ but also strive to be the woman He wants me to be? I know that I need to make changes in the way I live and truthfully, I want to make those changes. But I sense that God did not design me to live with this weight always on me. Maybe that is the bigger sin. If I am precious to God and if He loves me as I am, imperfect and struggling, then I think I need to have a different attitude about myself. It's as if I'm saying, "God, You didn't do a good enough job on me so I've got to help You. I've got to summon up my own strength to add to Yours. I've got to give You the boost You need so that together, we can make me good enough."

I force myself to write sometimes because as I get my thoughts written down I can hear how ridiculous I sound. It helps give me perspective. Obviously, God does not need my help with anything. And my salvation is assured, always and forever, whether I eat goldfish crackers and chocolate for dinner or not. Do I need to work on a few things? Of course. But do I need to obsess about them? No. I'm not sure what to do about all this and I have no answers but I'm hoping that by thinking and praying and searching the scriptures, I'll get a better handle on what God is asking of me.